Friday, April 24, 2009

My Brother's Commentary on What Women Wish For



My brother Bill, pictured above, found a list of, "...things women wish men knew." and he decided to add his own commentary. It's hilarious but I still had to edit some of it because it did get pretty nasty. My brother's comments are the one's labeled "dude".








1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
Dude. Take what you can fucking get, if I'm saying it, it counts, unless I'm lying to you, which is gonna be a lot if you keep saying stupid shit like that.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
Dude. Just when the fuck did you become an expert on real men? You cry
during Grey's anatomy and sit when peeing, I don't give a fuck if Idrive a dumptruck and park it on your lawn or a vespa and do race tracks in your driveway, I am the judge of what a real man is, and while were on that subject your brother is a putz.
3. I will leave if you lie.
Dude. Pack your shit.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
Dude. I am never cute and never describe me as such. And what the fuck,….make up your mind do you want to date a real man or a twelve year old from some perverse little league.
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
Dude. I mean honestly, what the fuck do I even say to that, keep that shit to yourself.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
Dude. I love it when you blow me after the Chargers lose.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
Dude. Remember after we spent the holidays at your mom's house and you asked me that question and I said you looked plump? Cuz I remember,the neighbors remember, I think the goddamn dog remembers. You are wrong, Fine is a wholly appropriate response.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
Dude ummmm……. Yup ditto here.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
Dude see answer to question # 3
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
Dude. When did I email you?
11. I expect you to call me.
D. You also expect me to be nice to your alcoholic father and your enabling neurotic mother, I won't even go into your dipshit borrowing money putz brother, so calling you is the least of my worries but thanks for bringing it up.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
Dude. You can tell me what to wear at our wedding and any funerals I attend. Short of that just compliment me on my daring sense of style and be happy I deal with your shit.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
Dude. You go to the pisser in pre-planned groups, and the only independent chick in history I can think of was Amelia Aerhart and you see where that got her.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
Dude. You're not Katie Holmes and I'm not a Scientoligist so let's pull the reality train over and get you a ticket.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
Dude. I aint got no problem tongue whipping the Ham wallet but I would rather whack off with a hand full of broken glass then ever go shoe shopping with you again.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
Dude. Check, I will ignore you by going to Déjà vu (strip club in San Diego) until you are feeling more into it.
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm . . . a.) . . . having a fat day. b.) . . . not feeling "connected" to you. c.) . . . blackmailing you to get something I want.
Dude. You are using sex to get something you want they have a name for that and that name is whore.
19. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
Dude. Unless by nothing you mean G'day Mate.
20. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
Dude So you have a secret sexual fantasy about the Unabomber, JesusChrist what else.
21. You should never tell me what to do.
Dude. If I didn't tell you what to do you would be sitting in your room late for work in your underwear trying to figure out how to use the goddamn alarm clock.
22. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
Dude This is the least crazy thing you have said all day.
23. . I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
Dude. I hold your hand because if I didn't you would walk straight into oncoming traffic and fucking die, that is a semi truck, the guy driving it is on crack, he will kill you, wake up.
24. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
Dude. Sssshhh be quiet there about to say the score on the Chargers game.
25. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
Dude. If I truly fuck up I will get you flowers, if the surf was really good though I will probably just get them from the grocery store.
26. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you—and for you
to recognize this.
Dude. When I first moved to Hawaii I bought a 69 ford econoline van for 300 hundred dollars, it was awesome it could fit ten surfboards, had three on the tree and a max speed of 60 mph downhill in neutral, I can honestly say it was the greatest vehicle purchase of my life. Wait what was the question again.
27. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking.
Dude. you get like this for four days every month call me I'll be atDéjà vu again.
28. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don'tknow yourself.
Dude. O fucking kay this is what I want you to do, write down exactly what you just said and then read it out loud to yourself. If that does not sound like absolute gibberish I will let you buy me one complete getup from urban outfitters.
29. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months,earns major bonus points.
Dude. Not going to Thailand on a cocaine fueled hooker binge should earn me major bonus points, and by the way I have no idea when my own birthday is let alone anniversaries you should probably get me a calendar.
30. I love it when you're sweaty.
Dude. But you don't like it when I have body odor, you are a fucking walking contradiction.
31. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
Dude. Fair enough.
32. I like porn.
D. You like passionate late night cinemax porn. I like Max Hardcore porn, there is a colossal difference.
33. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
Dude. Strange enough that is where I keep my wallet.
34. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
Dude. I talked dirty to you and I thought you were gonna call the cops,you talked dirty to me and I couldn't stop laughing, how about we just watch that Max Hardcore I was talking about earlier.
35. I remember everything about our relationship.
Dude. All in all I'll give you that one.
36.You should know all this and more without my telling you.
Dude. You just had to end on a crazy note.

6 comments:

Fantastic Forrest said...

Bill makes a lot of sense. But don't tell him I said so. Wouldn't want him to get a swelled head or anything.

Actually, reading this helps me understand my husband a little better...

Charlotte said...

My brother may sound like a pig, but I have to agree with some of that. Maybe because I am not a clingy, annoying kind of woman.

Sarah said...

Those are great!

Charlotte said...

I love women with a sense of humor!

Patti said...

All those hawt pics of Billy had me waxing nostalgic about our torrid 2 week affair in 8th grade.

Billy's current level of angst makes even my agro-hubby look like a fucking piker.

PEACE!!!!!

Charlotte said...

What's scary is he is way more mellow now than in 8th grade or in his teens and twenties! 8th grade ha ha!

Hey Patti do you want me to link your photo website to any of my blogs?