Favorite Facebook Status Updates

I love Crackbook, I mean Facebook. My favorite thing is when friends scan in old photos from high school, which is both hilarious, and frightening when I think that someday I will have teenagers too.

My second favorite thing about Facebook is the status updates. Those can be so informative and often hilarious. If you don't know what that is, uhm, let me try to explain. It's just a box on a website, called Facebook, that has your name, "Phil McCracken is...." and then you fill in the rest. For example "Phil McCracken is going to go see his friend Ben Dover and his Vietnamese wife Phuk U Dover.". I really can't explain it anymore simply than that.

Reading all of your friends' comments on your status update can also be enjoyable, and you never know where it's going to lead. Sometimes I actually try to be really witty and then I get no comments from my friends. One time I just wrote in my status that I was going to go make an egg salad sandwich. I had a ton of comments from my friends whether egg salad was yummy, stinky, etc. WTF? Recently my friend Mickie was contemplating whether she is the only person in America who will wait in line at McDonald's just to get a giant Diet Coke. Well, she certainly is not, because she had like 30 comments from friends agreeing with her ,or debating the best place to get a fountain drink. Wow, I never knew.


So below are some of my favorite status updates from Facebook:

These are from me:

Charlotte is going to get up and clean and do laundry right now. No really, I mean right now, no really, here I go, no really watch out, I am on fire, here I come laundry, dishes I am coming for you, vacuum get ready, ok no really here I come. I mean it this time, here I come, ok no really, I am ready now

Charlotte wants to know what it means when your 2 year old drags his face on the carpet while crawling. Mike did this too but not Bekah. How come I have weird sons?

Charlotte 's 2 year old is mad at a chair, 3 year old is naked, 4 year old is picking his nose.

Charlotte likes to click her mouse with one hand and her remote with the other, it feels bi-lingual.

Charlotte wants to know what people did before coffee.

These are from friends who shall remain nameless, but crack me up:

J. being locked out of the houes started the day, but the highlight was the tantrum in the doorway of his preschool because mommy (gasp) asked him to carry his own art project to the car because she was already juggling his lunch box, bag of peed on clothing, coat, and a sick, goopy baby all with, yes, just two hands. Cut me some slack, Kid!

K is your private dancer, dancer for money, do what you want me to do. (OK this status update was made by a man and look at all the comments that followed, they were made by women)


M.
Laundry?


Charlotte
dishes

K. (the original author)
can I still wear the high heels?

M.
If you can wash baby clothes you can wear and listen to whatever you feel like. I don't feel obliged to tell the neighbors why a cross-dressing Tina Turner impersonator is doing my laundry.



Charlotte
Only if the heels don't make you fall while you are doing dishes. I am not sure my homeowner's insurance covers that.

From a friend at Disneyland:

J. It's a small world after all... It's a small world after all... It's a small world after all... It's a small, small world.

My friend Mickie's updates are either about doing amazing stuff with her kids, her dogs doing something gross or her love of reality t.v.:

Mickie just finished baking and decorating 160 cupcakes. Then I had to individually "glue" about 600 marshmallows on them to look like popcorn....the things we do for our kids.

From a pregnant friend:

M. is really wishing she could have a drink - this kid is driving me nutty


But seriously my brother Brandon is freaking hilarious! Every single status update he does is a riot and I will have to stop myself from putting them all here:

Brandon not only do i have a tweaker threat level 3 alert going on, but i have a gastrochick coworker getting up on my peanut butter AGAIN. the PIGGYBAT SAYS NO MORE

(he has strange colleagues)

Brandon HEY WOW AN UGLY FAT BRITISH LADY SANG A PRETTY SONG... ON TELEVISION. STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES.

Brandon is being assaulted by everyone else's chemical imbalances. take your pills please.

Brandon ok why are people protesting taxes all of a sudden NOW. doesn't it make sense that we are in the effect phase of the cause:effect relationship of a shitty government for the last 30 years.

Brandon just coined the phrase "blogged down cleverness" - now please help me figure out what i meant by that.

Brandon i'll be all throwing wild punches and crying and finally the crying would turn into sweating.

Brandon do you ever find yourself prejudiced against people from Gilroy?


But nothing will ever beat my friend J. Q.'s status. It was a Sunday night after a good weekend and J. wrote:

J. wishes he could play Uno with G-d and throw down a Reverse card so we can start the weekend all over again.

( I just love the visual of playing a card game with G-d, and the weekend is the stakes, and you win. Now that would be awesome.)