Reader's Choice; Regrets.

I have had writer's block lately. That thing called life keeps getting in the way. I asked my "fans" on my Facebook page to inspire me and give me some topics.  Both Clare and Jen asked if I had any regrets or if I could go back in a time machine what year would I change. 

The answer is no.  Every decision I have made, or experience that I have had, has made me the person I am today and I don't want to change that.  Even the bad stuff, because it's better the devil you know, than the devil you don't. 

I have been mulling about this topic all morning. When this happens my brain turns into a cable news channel. No matter what is happening on the main screen there is a line of words continuously scrolling across the bottom. I am engaged with my present life but there is that scroll of words, which are my thoughts, just moving and changing as I edit out or in what I am going to blog about later.

At first I thought I am going to list every decision or experience I have ever had and blog about why I don't regret it. But as I did a mental review of my life I got bored, sad, and embarrassed. I realized any readers were going to have those same feelings. I can handle you being sad or embarrassed but not bored! 

This blog is supposed to be about moms not easily offended by the realities of life so I decided to be real. No fluffy stuff. If you can't handle that right now then you are welcome to bail and go read Moms Who Drink and Swear (my favorite). 

I am going to write about experiences and decisions I have made, but only since becoming a mother. So as to keep it brief, and not bore the shit out of everyone. Below will be a list of the topics:

Having kids

Getting pregnant on my honeymoon

Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months

Getting a nanny even though I am a stay-at-home-mom

Abortion/Autism/The big V

Buying this house

Anti-depressants

Starting my blog

Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out of it

Mike's diagnosis

Re-joining the Mom's Club

Almost losing my colon

Right now

If you are starting to get bored already I will just tell that the question is do I regret any of these and the answer is no. But if you want to know why then read on.

Having kids: For those who have known me pre marriage I used to say that I didn't want to have kids at all.  And I meant it. But that's because I never met a man who I thought was capable of being a good father.  Then I found Erik. Problem solved, he is a kick ass dad, husband and my best friend. 

Getting pregnant on my honeymoon: I don't regret that though it was surprising and a tad inconvenient.  I was wearing maternity clothes and still sending out thank you cards for wedding gifts. 

Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months: I only lasted this long with Mike because he was a bad sucker and I mostly pumped and fed him breast milk from a bottle anyways. And I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Bekah if I had continued to breastfeed him.  I only lasted 6 months with Bekah because I needed to go on an antibiotic for  2 weeks so I just quit. I lasted 10 months with Jake because he was a good sucker and by then I could nurse and walk around and yell at the other two.

Getting a nanny: LOSER! You are a stay-at-home-mom and you have a nanny how fucking lazy are you?! This is what I used to think about women with nannies. Then when Bekah was 5 weeks old I was nursing her and Mike got mad because Sesame Street ended so he launched himself off the couch, did a flip, landed on his head, held his breath and passed out. I thought he was going to be a paraplegic.  I put Bekah on the floor and dialed 9-1-1.  Mike was of course fine and showed the super cute firemen his firetruck.  I was still in my jammies with milk leaking from my breasts and generally looked like shit. The next day I started the search for a nanny and I never looked back. When you find the right person to care for your kids you realize that there is nothing wrong with another person loving your children. 

Abortion/Autism/The big V: Life was perfect! I had a boy, I had a girl, my husband's practice was going great, our house had gone up in value and then blam I got pregnant again!  The birth control pill failed me for the first time in my life. I was NOT going to have 3 kids all under the age of 3 years old and all in diapers, oh hell no!!!!! But my husband talked me out of it, he said,"Families who can afford to feed their kids don't have abortions.". And I am glad I listened. He did schedule a vasectomy that day to be done in the future.


Some of you may be thinking that, "Wow she chose to have her son and then he ended up having Autism. I wonder if she regrets that.". No. He's the cutest one.  I don't regret, I don't resent. His dimples, big brown eyes and blonde curls are those of an angel. And that's what he is. A mystery, a challenge, an angel. Every day I am a better person because of him. That doesn't mean I don't yell at him like I do to my other two but sometimes when nobody is looking I give him extra candy. He's my baby. He's my heart walking outside of my body that I will never be able to fully protect.  

Please watch this video while I go dab my eyes. It never fails to make me laugh.

 Buying this house: I miss my old  house. It had a giant grassy yard with tons of trees. But it was too small for our growing family. So we put it up for sale, and selling that house and moving into this house, which tanked in value almost did me in.  I started to bite my fingernails for the first time in my life.  Keeping a house clean enough to sell with 3 kids under the age of 3 was brutal and then moving and unpacking......actually I never finished unpacking and we have been here for 4 years. But we have a bigger house and someday the value will be regained. And our old house was perfect for the family that moved into it. 

Anti-depressants: Shortly after we moved into this house I started to wean Jake. I had gotten pregnant so quickly after having Bekah and Mike that I never experienced any post-partum "feelings".  I really thought I had escaped it, and I was so happy because that sure didn't look fun. And then I weaned Jake and my body was not nursing and not pregnant for the first time in 3 years. I won't share the gory details, if you have been there yourself you don't want to hear it anyways. I used to think anti-depressants were for weak people. IDIOT!!!! I will never go off of them, ever. If momma ain't happy then ain't nobody happy.

Starting my blog:  I had another blog before this, "You Sure Do Have Your Hands Full." Erik suggested I write to help me get stuff off my chest.  Marrying him was the best choice I ever made even though he created a monster with the whole blog thing. It was a great idea but it got me in trouble and that blog is private now. Read below.

Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out: I promise not to rehash this embarrassing episode of my life.  You can read about it here. I don't regret that because I wouldn't have started this blog. 

Mike's Diagnosis: March 2 years ago my oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory Processing disorder and my youngest was diagnosed with Autism. Not a good month. I went through all the stages of denial etc. etc. and now I look at Mike's diagnosis as a gift and Jake's as a challenge. All my children are gifts I don't deserve.

Re-joining the Mom's Club: Yep after all that drama I asked to return. I still had a young one at home and he needed socialization.  I am totally glad I did even if I had to swallow my pride.

Almost losing my colon: The last year and a 1/2 were the worst for my health.  I have Ulcerative Colitis and almost lost my colon. Last ditch switch to a new medication and I am totally happy and healthy again. 

Right now: I am good! I am healthy, so are my kids.  All of them are excelling in school and we are taking Jake to a developmental pediatrician to get a more detailed treatment plan. My husband is moving into a brand new office and even though he is a grouchy ass nervous wreck right now, it's going to be wonderful.  I have an awesome support system of friends and family and I am so grateful for everything in my life. 

I don't regret anything. Here is a song to express my feelings. 

Wait for it.......right after the minute mark and it's worth it. 

Vote for me, me, me!! Please.

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If ever I have made you laugh, cry in a good way, made you spit some liquid out, say, "No shit.", "Amen Sister." No way fuck that!" outloud, made you mad, offended you, or just made you smirk appreciatively please go vote for me. 


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Grassy Ass
Thanks,
N.E.O. Mom

I Should Be Cleaning The Kitchen

The pic above are my 3 monkeys right before my oldest turned 7 years old. Every spring their birthdays line up.  The first year this happened, 1,2,3 years old, I took a picture of them holding up their ages and now I am committed to doing that every spring as long as they will let me. 


We hit a recent milestone.  With his goofy 3 missing teeth smile my oldest refused to kiss me good-bye in public this morning. I didn't cry but when I pick him up from camp this afternoon I am going to grab him and give him a big smooch. Payback for all the times he has farted, burped and yelled inappropriate words in public.


My youngest son just stuck a handful of coins in the oven. I don't know why he does that. Thankfully he only does it when the oven is off.


My daughter brought a Christmas stocking full of doll clothes to school this morning. We are Jewish and it's July. I like to choose my battles wisely. Otherwise known as too tired to fight about it. 


My husband and I like to add our own dialogue to The Bacherlorette reality show. It's R-rated and funny as hell. To the two of us.


OK I feel better.  The garbage disposal is dead after much abuse, so I guess I gotta take care of that. And clean the damn kitchen.  The floor is sticky like a movie theater.

Happy Thanksgiving

I was reminded by an actual live person this morning that I have a blog. And she read it, and I think she liked it. Except for my re-post of the guest blogger. So that encouraged me to come home and, well.....instead of writing something new, due to time constraints, I am publishing a piece I know people have enjoyed. Happy Thanksgiving!







That's right, just in case you are new to this blog you may have missed the fact that I am going to go see Chelsea Handler live this weekend. No kids. Good friends, good food, potent alcohol and a night in a fancy hotel. I am not going to tell you where Chelsea is playing, what night she is playing or what hotel I am staying at..........just in case I have a stalker. I will give you a review when I come home, and after I have recovered.



Please don't waste your time getting too jealous of me. I deserve this. I adore my life, at home with my 3 kids and managing the household but I need a break sometimes to keep up my sense of humor.



This week for instance I was convinced my kids had Swine Flu. What a coincidence they would get sick after a visit from my brother and his wife who live in San Diego, right next to Swine Flu central. Fortunately it turns out to be nothing but a couple of common colds and ear infections. So I dope them up with vitamins and amoxycillin and we head to the mall.



For years I could wear the same clothes over and over again but once you hit motherhood you actually need new clothes. I am not talking about maternity clothes, that's obvious, but you actually get too big for some clothes and too small for other clothes as you lose your baby fat and don't get me started on what happens to your ever-changing shoe size. Then your kids will actually gnaw on and tear your clothing and stain your favorite outfits with who knows what. So I am not exaggerating when I say I need a couple of new outfits.



Taking a 2, 3 and 4 year old to the mall is usually one of my least favorite things to do but somebody has to do it. And the fact that I managed to find a $48 skirt for $18 is worth a little pain.



As soon as we get to Macy's Bekah and Mike find a sofa and sit down. I am stunned! I expect them to stay with me but not actually sit and behave. This is looking really good. I am super happy. Jake is in the stroller munching on Cheerios and I actually find a skirt and 2 shirts right away. My luck is improving. I ask Mike and Bekah to follow me to a different part of the store and they listen, and they stay with me.



As I rummage around looking for a pair of jeans that will make my legs look thin, I hear a voice ask, "What brand of stroller is that?". I look up and see a cute mom with 2 girls. So I tell her the brand and then she just stares at me. I recognize the look on her face. It's the please talk to me and don't make me go home by myself and be alone with small children look. I know that feeling, I don't want to abandon her in her time of need, but I am working on borrowed time here. My kids are behaving and who knows how long that's going to last. But I can't leave her. So I ask, "How far apart are your girls?" Less than 2 years apart.


I knew it. Us moms that have kids less than 2 years apart can find each other anywhere. Across a crowded room with rainbows and hearts coming out of our eyes. She didn't know that was the reason she was talking to me because she is right in the middle of it, but I knew. Her youngest is 3 months old and her oldest just turned 2 years old. Now I was torn. I had a mission, find some clothes that didn't make me look fat, feed my kids, and get home in time for naptime. But now I just found an overwhelmed mom in the mall who needs company. So I took a deep breath and talked to her for a few minutes. As soon as Jake started throwing Cheerios everywhere and trying to wipe his boogers on clothes, and Mike really wanted to kiss her sleeping 3 month old, (which is sweet but germy), and Bekah was getting jealous that I was talking to other little girls, it was time to pull the plug.


I headed to the dressing room. In the past I have grabbed clothes, bought them, and then tried them on at home, and then returned the ones that don't fit. But I am feeling brave and we get the giant dressing room that is fully enclosed so nobody can sneak under the stall walls. Macy's is having a massive sale so the dressing rooms are packed with women.


Once in the dressing room I actually let Jake out to run around since it's fully enclosed and I start to disrobe.


"Mommy, I see your panties."


"Of course you do, I just took off my pants.". I could have sworn I heard a giggle outside our stall. I take off my shirt.


"Mommy you're fat."


"Michael!"


"Mommy you're fat", Bekah chimes in, she has to do everything Michael does.


"Bekah and Michael, that's not nice."


"But Mommy you are fat." Now I can definitely hear laughing outside our dressing room.


"Ok that's enough you are lowering my self-esteem.". More snickers
"What's self-esteem?"


"You are making me feel bad about myself by calling me fat."


"But you are fat.". More laughter. Sigh.


"You are fat because you had 3 babies in your pouch." Ok somebody actually snorted. They laughed hard enough to snort.


"Like a kangaroo." Bekah chimes in.


"I didn't have 3 babies at once and it's not a pouch, it's a tummy.". And I don't care how much I work out and lose weight and do sit-ups I do, I still have a pouch of skin around my belly-button.


So now Mike takes this opportunity to grab that excess skin and try to fold it into a taco and start kissing it. And saying,


"But Mommy your tummy is so cute and soft and cuddly and you had babies inside it, mwah, mwah, mwah "(those are kissy sounds).


At this exact moment Jake realizes that the door only locks on the inside and he can leave this joint. So he turns the handle and starts to open the dressing room door,


"Noooooo!!"


I lunge at the door just in time and slam it shut with the palm of my hand. In the meantime I knock over Mike and Jake has grabbed my leg and is trying to bite me.


"Jake no biting!" Nobody is trying to hide their laughter now and I want to dissappear.
I slam the stroller in front of the door and lock all 4 brakes.


"Mommy you pushed me down!"


"I didn't push you down, I tripped over you because you were standing right on top of me!"


"Get off the floor and go sit next to your sister! Look how good Bekah is."


"She is licking the mirror."


"Bekah! Don't lick the mirror, that is disgusting!"


I have managed to get my clothes back on and Jake has figured out he can't move the stroller away from the door and he is in a screaming rage. Nobody is laughing now. I have to wrestle him back into the stroller and that is like wrestling with a midget on PCP.


I am sweating as I back the stroller out of the dressing room and nobody will look me in the eye as they all try not to laugh.


At this point I still have to buy my clothes, feed the kids, do naptime, pay work bills, clean house, laundry, dinner, bathtime and bedtime.

Do you see why I think I deserve a night out?!

Beer and Politicians

I know most people think I am a crazy liberal. But I do have a fair criteria for picking politicians.  Can I have a beer with them? 

I could totally have a beer with Arnold, John McCain, Reagan, Nixon (ok the last 2 are dead). I used to think that I could have a beer with Palin, but then she started talking and I realized I would rather break a beer bottle on her face.

Tonight the Gubernatorial debates were televised. I tried, tried, tried to be neutral. But hands down I would much rather have a beer with Jerry Brown. Just for the record I did shake hands with him when I was a child. His hands are basketball player large and he fit both me and my brother's hand in his. He also told me I was pretty and since most of my childhood I was mistaken for a boy, even after I started wearing a bra, this went straight to my heart. Ok so let's put all the favoritism aside and look at Meg Whitman..........

So the bitch turned Ebay around , that's awesome. She can run a HUGE company, that's no joke, I get it. But her voting record in her own words is "atrocious". Belly up to my imaginary bar and it's acceptable if you wake up at the age of 23 years old and say, "Damn! I have had the priveledge of voting since I was 18 and I am such an asshole for not taking advantage of that. ".  Belly up to my bar at the ripe old age of Meg Whitman and display her erratic voting record and announce you are running to be the Governor of California.......I will not buy you a drink.

I am getting tired so I need to cut this short. Meg Whitman has spent, so far, $71 million of her personal fortune on her campaign.  Blink, blink, pace the room, go pee, open a beer and sit down and think.... how much is my personal fortune.  I bet you anything your personal fortune does not have room for $71 million in disposable cash. If you are a good person your disposable cash would go towards our suffering public schools, if you are a semi-decent person that cash would go for plastic surgery and if you are struggling with morals, that amount of cash could buy a lot of hookers and crack.

And I am so open-minded that I realize hookers have got to pay their mortgage and crack dealers need to pay rent.  But Meg Whitman does not deserve to be Governor of the state of California. And if I was a real writer I would not end with this paragraph...........but my cat is licking his ass within ear shot and I need to sign some permission slips and go to bed.

My Summer Vacation by Charlotte

I took some major time off from my blog and I missed writing, and offending and entertaining my friends. I'd like to give you a run-down on my summer before I go back to my usual erratic posts.

June
*  Kids did great with their swim lessons even though Jake and Bekah's class was monopolized by some helicopter parents. That means they hovered over the pool and bossed the swim coach around. All 3 of them: mom, dad and grandmother. The poor little boy was wearing a swim vest and goggles, neither of which fit properly. It was killing me! Poor little guy. My only advice to the swim coach was, drag Jake's ass into the pool if he tries to run away.

* Took my savages to Disneyland for their first time. Lots of family joined us and we dominated the park. My daughter is fearless, my sons are wimps. Mike heard the first chord of organ music in The Haunted Mansion and ran screaming for the door. Jake was catatonic for an hour after going on The Pirates of the Caribbean. Bekah went on Tower of Terror twice!  She's 4 years old.

July
* Husband was on-call Fourth of July weekend. Super suck.

* Took my 3 monkeys to the county fair by myself. Hot and expensive but I am not afraid to hit the beer booth. Best money spent was shooting water balloons out of a sling-shot, at each other. I have better aim than they do (evil laugh) that's what they get for waking me up at dawn.  Jake was on my team and Bekah and Mike had their own, ineffective team. We drew such an audience of people laughing that the booth's owner kept giving us free water balloons. We got him a whole new line of customers. It was really fun. One woman was laughing so hard she had to sit on the grass so as not to pee her pants.

*Kids did sports camp, craft camp, no girls allowed camp and a music class.

* I decided to take the kids camping for a weekend by myself. Not really, my Dad and Step-mom and other family were there to pick up some slack. My reasoning was that Erik would have a lovely weekend by himself and would be refreshed.

*We spent the whole weekend in the lake swimming. Jake practically hyperventilated when I tried to swim out to the buoys in the middle of the lake. I started to turn back and my dear Dad said,"No! Spend 5 minutes by yourself he needs grow out of this!". Thanks Dad. It was so nice to swim out past the pee warmed water and shiny slick of sunscreen,to the middle of the lake where it was nice and cool and quiet. Totally cleared my head.

* I was exhausted the next day and packed up camp around my sleeping kids. I then poured them into semi-clean clothes and packed them into the van. I told them we would stop for milk and donuts if they let me drive home with no stops or fighting. I was so excited thinking that I would dump them on my refreshed husband and take a giant nap. When I got home Erik was laid up with a sprained ankle..........no rest for the wicked.

*Mike flooded our downstairs. Our cat drinks from the bathroom sink and Mike turned it on full-blast, plugged the sink and then came back upstairs to snuggle with us in bed. While Erik and I are laying in bed listening to our 3 kids sing songs about farts we had no idea our bathroom was flooding beyond the walls and onto the hallway carpet. Such a lovely thing to come downstairs and see before I have even had a cup of coffee.

*Keep your records updated, I called the number my husband gave me for our insurance guy and it was phone sex chat-line!

*Happy ending: home owner's insurance is buying us new downstairs carpet.  I have decided to let my 6 year old live. Then I had a huge good-bye to the old carpet playgroup here with my friends and all their kids. At least 15 kids were here. Good times.

August (last weekend of July)
*My brother Bill and his woman, Ari,  came to spend a couple of nights. They were trying to catch a military flight out of Travis Air Force Base for Europe (the long way). Bill is a Navy Seal. Lots of family in and out all day feeding them brunch, lunch and grilled a couple of tri-tips. Tons of fun.

* After they left their travels took them to Spain and Morocco. They stayed here on there way home for a couple of more nights. I love having them here because they are very hands-on with the kids and not only are a huge help but really tire out my kids!

*The same day Bill and Ari went home Erik's grandmother came to stay a couple of nights. She came with me to Mike's camp talent show and Mike booed a little girl and made her cry. I wanted to fucking die!!  I dragged him out of the room and told him how he had hurt her feelings and was never allowed to boo again for the rest of his life. And he said,"Even at a football game?". And I said maybe. Then I made him apologize to her and by that time he was in tears.

*I took Grandma-in-law and kids to visit a cousin of hers in Marin. They were super nice and had 2 kids of their own. He is V.P. of Wordpress so I didn't mention I had a blog on Blogger and I told my Grandmother-in-law not to say anything either.

*The next day tons more family came for a bbq and then sister-in-law took her grandmother home with her.

*Erik was on-call this entire time. It sucked.

*Hooked up with friend of over 30 years and took our kids to Gilroy Gardens. Fun!

*Jake has taken to climbing the outside of the stairs. Like a rock wall. The first time I found him I couldn't even reach him  because he had climbed so high. I ran upstairs and dragged him over the railing to safety. I have weaved a crib bumper through the spindles but that's just slowing him down. Any ideas besides barbed wire or broken glass?

*Last night bbq here, tonight bbq at friends, tomorrow more bbq at friends. And then back to school on Monday. Three different schools, three different schedules.........wish me luck.

Awards and Why I don't Do Them

I am not one of those mommy bloggers who gives cute stuff away and awards their friends with heartfelt awards. Why?  Because I suck. I am lazy and unorganized.

This chick Angie who has her shit way more together than I do, gave me an award and I am very grateful. Please check out her blog, she's cute, sarcastic, is funny and drinks.

Coming soon: My kids will go back to school and I will have time to blog.  I want to tell you about my summer and otherwise bore or entertain you, and indulge myself.

Right now I have the news on and I guess our troops are leaving Iraq. My bro, who is a Navy Seal, was supposed to go to Iraq next month. Now I wonder if he is still going. It would be great if he stayed home and impregnated his wife instead of going to a shit-hole and getting his ass shot off. I think this calls for a cold one.

Your Baby Is An Asshole: babies under the influence

Tripped over this blog while on twitter. This is right up any N.E.O. Mom's well worn alley. Pictures of cute babies in silly situations with offensive text.  The best part is to click the links within each blog post, makes it even more hilarious.



Your Baby Is An Asshole: babies under the influence

Make Me Laugh

I have been dealing with some shit lately.  I strive to write funny, sometimes thought-provoking, but mostly funny posts. I am drawing a blank.  And I really need to laugh.

So I am going to try something new.  I am going to put this linky thing at the bottom of this post and I want you to add a link to either something funny on your blog or just a link to something you find hilarious. 

Go ahead, make me laugh (Clint Eastwood voice).  See, I am just not funny right now only dorky.

Mother's Day 2010

Since I am a mommy blogger I am obligated to write something on Mother's Day.

I celebrated on Friday by going wine-tasting with my N.E.O. Mom friends in Napa. That was awesome!

Saturday my 4 year old daughter and 5 year old son had dance recitals.  That was awesome!

Today, Mother's Day, not so awesome.

My husband has been oncall all weekend, I have barely seen him. My kids were beastly today and it was pouring rain, trapping us inside. I could have gone to the gym but the time I got my act together the daycare was closed.  They closed early for Mother's Day.

I dragged everyone to the grocery store, during the brief time Erik was home, so we could have some together time and get out of the house. A husband is almost as bad at the grocery store as 3 kids.

I planned to make an amazing dinner, because I love to cook.  But Erik got called back to the hospital, so I cancelled it.

I let the kids play in the mud once it stopped raining, bathed them and put them to bed.  Bekah was inconsolable, crying for her father. I ran out of patience. Now I feel like shit for yelling at her and want to wake her up and apologize.

But this Mother's Day is still marginally better than the Mother's Day we took the kids to Hooters for dinner.

Happy Mother's Day.

Spring Numbers

For the new readers of this blog I would like to inform you that every year I take pictures of my kids when their ages run concurrently. Since my oldest 2 are 17 months apart and my youngest 2 are 15 months apart, every spring they are very close in age, until my oldest's birthday in June. This year I am the proud owner of a 3,4 and 5 year old.

I used to do this big production where I cut out pieces of cardboard in the shapes of their ages and covered them with wrapping paper.  I started off having them hold them, but then found it was easier to tape them to the wall above their heads.

This year I got almost no cooperation from them at all.

At first Mike completely refused, then Bekah and then Jake. This may be my last year doing this. I know the grandparents will be very disappointed.

Their tshirts say "I'm 3/4/5 what's your excuse?"  My plan was for them to line up against the wall so you could read their tshirts. Whatever.

A Writing Exercise

Once again I have landed myself in the hospital.  Long story short; I tripped, fell on my face, the scrapes became infected with cellulitis and here I am getting I.V. antibiotics.

To keep myself from begging the nurses for narcotics I have decided to choose a writing exercise. I like this one:
       "List five products your father used, or uses,  and write a longer piece about, at least, one of them. "

1) Swisher Sweets Cigars, that came in that red carboard box.













2) McDonald's Playland.

3)Brut Cologne














4)  Polaroid Camera











5) Morton's Salt and Pepper shaker
















I was born in 1970 and my brother was born in 1973. My mother and father got a divorce when I was just barely three years old. This action made my father a swinging single Dad, smack dab right in the middle of the Seventies.We spent every other weekend in his lackadaisical custody and his nappy headed daughter and snot-nosed son never slowed his MILF(mothers I like to F) hunting prowress. In fact it only greatly honed his skills.  We were used as bait.

My Dad would pick us up on a Friday night with a Swisher Sweet Cigar lodged in his mouth. Rarely smoked, just chomped upon. And thank G-d for that because when lit they smelled anything but sweet, gag. Once those extra large cigar boxes were emptied of cheap cigars they were filled with fishing gear, nails and paperclips, and change for the Benicia toll bridge, these littered the floor of his truck.  In his home the boxes were used to store pictures and receipts.

But I digress, when it was his weekend, he promptly picked us up and took us out to a fine Scottish dining establishment. McDonald's. But it had to have an outdoor Playland.

Once we parked his truck, with ladder on top, in the parking lot he would spit out his cigar and splash on some Brut cologne. Another completely offensive, yet comforting odor, from my childhood. I asked my Dad once how Brut cologne was made.  My father told me that it came from a special gnat's armpits in Europe.

For years this answer haunted me. Many a sleepless night I wondered how they extracted this exotic pheromone from a gnat's armpit. Did the cologne lab technicians put the tiny gnat on a crucifix with I.V. needles and tubing sticking out of his armpits, draining away the precious scent?  Or did they just catch the gnats with a very fine net, ground them with a mortar and pestle and then use a sieve to extract all liquids?  Was the special armpit scent so strong that it overpowered the other liquified body parts, or did they have to extract only that particular fluid? And if it was so labor intensive to gather this manly scent then why was it so cheap?

Anyways, we would get our Happy Meals and eat at the picnic tables in the McDonald's Playland. My Dad would generously sprinkle his french fries with the Morton's salt he kept in the glove compartment of his truck.

After eating our food Billy and I would take off to play and my Dad would start prowling. McDonald's was an excellent place for single Moms to take their kids after work on a Friday night. My Dad was pure genius for figuring this out, because he was usually the only single Dad there. My Dad would approach his victim and put his foot up on the bench where she was seated and then lean on his knee and start chatting her up. If she shot him down, or seemed disinterested, my Dad would just move onto the next single mom. He was shameless! The next victim could be sitting less than 2 feet away but that did not deter him.

By the time me and Bill were started to get bored or tired my Dad would have at least one set of digits from a fine young mom. And the topper? He would take a polaroid picture. Two polaroid pictures. One of the cute mom and her kids which he would give to her and then one of all of us (he would use the timer setting) and he would keep that one. When we were back in the truck my father would write her name, the names of her kids and her phone number on the back of the polaroid for future reference.
Genius.

If she was lucky he would call her up for a date on a weekend when he was missing the company of his kids.

Back In Black

My glorious husband bought me a new laptop!!! Actually I got it last week but then my best friend, and sister-in-law, Auntie M's computer died. So of course I let her borrow my new baby. She is working on her Masters and, well, I am just working on a silly blog and trying to annoy friends and family on Facebook.

Now I can blog and annoy to my heart's content! Especially since I have decided to quarantine my family for the next week! Jake was sent home sick from preschool today and we are leaving for a cruise on Valentine's Day. I need healthy kids and a healthy me. This time of year is just ridiculous, last week we had ear infections and I had some mild virus and now Jake is coughing his brains out. But next week at this time I will be laying out by the pool so I am keeping my eyes on the prize.

The Blessed Holidays

Damn this whole parenting gig is getting in the way of my blogging. Not to mention my quality of sleep, social life and mental health. But they are cute kids, and I have decided to keep them.

I apologize to my handful of readers for falling off the face of the blogosphere but once your youngest child gives up naps your life becomes even busier. Now that my holiday season is over I will try to find some more time for writing.

In my house we celebrate Hanukkah and it's already over. So now I can sit back and watch my friends who celebrate Christmas run around like maniacs, just like I was doing last week. And since my husband will be on-call New Year's Eve, New Year's Day AND January 2nd and 3rd, this is really the end of my holidays. But I am not going to start dieting until January, I have too many leftovers and treats to finish off.

I was going to hit the gym today, especially since my breakfast consisted of a turkey, cranberry and gravy sandwich with a side order of fudge. But after his soccer game my strong-willed 5 year old refused to go to the gym. Now usually I would have forcibly changed him out of his soccer uniform, strapped him into the van and told him that if his behavior gets me called out of my work-out then he will get no t.v. for 24 hours. But we had 32 people here last night and all three of my kids were up until 9:30pm. I know he is legitimately tired and that I shouldn't push my luck. So I sacrificed my work-out to stay home with him, and my husband took the other monkeys to the gym. I have more time during the week to work-out than my husband does so it's only fair.

In the last month since I have last blogged this is what has been going on:

*Auntie M had that jewelry party at her house and it was fun and I bought some pretty jewelry including a custom made necklace for my Mom, which I ordered behind her back as a gift.

*We hosted my mother-in-law's birthday here at my house and a Thanksgiving, and also had Thanksgiving at my Dad's in Sacramento. And Mike stepped in dog poop at my Dad's house. Without fail, when we go to a party, either my sons or my husband will step in dog poop. I just don't get it. I have stepped in dog poop maybe 3 times in my whole life, and so far my daughter has never stepped in dog poop!!

*We celebrated my daughter's birthday, our office manager's birthday, my birthday and my sister-in-law Amanda's birthday. The cutest girl in the world turned 4 years old and partied at Chuck E. Cheese. I got a mani/pedi and went to a Raiders game with my husband.

*My N.E.O. Mom's Club went out for a 1 year anniversary fondue dinner. And we roped a pregnant club member into being our designated driver.

* Went to the hospital Christmas party with my husband. Mostly a snooze fest but not as boring as past parties.

*And last week was totally insane. Hanukkah party, got new blinds installed, carpets cleaned, finished off gift shopping, our business practice's lunch, brought donuts and read a Hanukkah story to my 5 year old and my 3 year old's classroom, got up early Friday morning and made latkes for preschool party, and then Saturday (yesterday) I hosted 32 people at my house for a Hanukkah/Xmas party.

*And today my house is a disaster zone. I got the kitchen put back together and 3 loads of laundry done but the rest of the house is a mess, and we are over capacity for both the recycling and the garbage can. I gotta sneak some trash into our neighbor's cans.


A little gossip about last night. A step-nephew I haven't seen in awhile showed up with tattoos on his face and a pregnant girlfriend. Sigh. I only hope the best for them, of course, and the baby is going to be gorgeous, no doubt about that. It's just hard to wrap my brain around the fact that my step-brother is going to be a grandfather when he also has a 7 year old daughter and he is only a few years older than I am!

My kids actually have school Monday and Tuesday of this week even though the public schools don't. I am totally cool with that! Wednesday I am hosting a small cookie decorating party here at my house. Thursday will probably be movies and Chinese food, a Jewish Christmas tradition but Christmas day we have been invited to hang out with my brother-in-law's giant family.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!!!

I seriously can't think of a title

Last Saturday Erik and I celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary with a day in Calistoga. The drive was amazingly scenic because of the fall colors. (Yes we do have fall colors in California!) I discovered one down-side to having a husband who does not have to commute to work; Erik has forgotten how to drive.

I kept slamming on an imaginary brake-pedal and eventually leaned back and closed my eyes. I wasn't resting ,I was praying, "Holy shit don't let him kill us!". What's even more amazing is that Erik's sister, Auntie M., is the best driver ever! I think she missed her calling as either a bacherlorette party planner or driving instructor.

Anyways we made it to Calistoga alive and had an awesome lunch at this place. This restaurant was at an actual resort which we decided we would stay at after we won the lottery. Totally not in our budget, but damn, it was gorgeous.

We walked around Calistoga a little bit and then went to a spa for bath treatments and massages. Erik went for the Volcanic Ash Bath and I chose a Lavender bath. These were done in a private bath-house for two. I am so immature that I can't say bath-house without giggling. And then we both got 60 minute massages.

I felt relaxed for the first time in weeks! This woman was really skillful and I felt great! Only thing is that she was a little small in stature with gigantic boobs. When she stood at the head of the table and went to rub down my upper back, well her boobs rested on my head. I opened my eyes in alarm and stared at the floor ,but the massage felt so good I quickly got over it.




Then I drove to Walnut Creek, where we met Auntie M., Uncle Chrissy and one of my several friends named Julie for dinner at Va de Vi. Excellent food and wine but towards the end we felt like we were being pushed out. For the amount of money I spent that day, they are lucky I didn't take off my pants and get really comfortable.



Weekend ended on a high note when Auntie M. calls the next day and asks if she can bring over a chicken enchilada casserole and if I can make a salad.............duh. Who would say no to that?!





I am not going to bore you with the details of my doctor's appointment, I am improving that's all.



I will also not give you all the details of my firstborn's horrible week at school. I will ramble on about that on my private blog. Just in case he does decide to run for president someday, I don't want people to not vote for him because they read on this blog that he was a complete spazz in Kindergarten.




And as of yesterday, all of us are vaccinated for the swine flu! I haven't felt this safe since Erik got his vasectomy. I feel like going out and licking shopping carts!!



H1N1 still struck close to home though, one of Erik's coworkers got it and now Erik is on call all weekend. Leaving me to do the solo mom thing. In fact I am writing this from our gym. I worked out, got to shower by myself, and am now enjoying the free WiFi. I have 15 minutes left before their time is up in the daycare. And roughly 3 hours before I can start drinking.

Thankfully I have a Raiders game to look forward to tomorrow. Raiderrrrrrrz! Hopefully Erik won't be too tired. Knock on wood is on call isn't too crazy tonight and that he can whip through his rounds in the morning. I am not a huge Raiders, or even a football fan, but nobody goes to a Raiders game to watch football. Oakland Raiders' games are all about beer, nachos, and fistfights. Raiders fans will even fight with each other. I have never been to a game where I didn't see somebody being led away in handcuffs. I went and saw the Raiders and a football game broke out. I crack myself up. Seriously, that's why I don't bring my kids! It's just going to be Erik and myself. My oldest would love to go but I told him he has to wait for his 18th birthday.

After we take BART home from the game then we will take the whole family to Auntie M. and Uncle Chrissy's house, for Uncle Chrissy's birthday party.

Our beloved Dr. Pants is in town with his wife from Madison, Wisconsin. We will see them Monday or Tuesday. Dr. Pants (nickname from his womanizing days) now has a P.h.d. to add to his M.D. I believe his area of expertise is Addiction medicine (wiping away tears of laughter and irony) One of these days he will actually finish school and get a real job. Just kidding! I LOVE his wife, a very cool, laid back chick and a real estate agent. Only bummer isthat they are not bringing their kids!! I understand they need a vacation but I wanted our kids to hang out. Maybe next time.

And next week is Halloween!!

Almost 1 year Blog Birthday

So N.E.O. Moms is almost a year old!! I am re-posting a blog post from my first blog. The below post is basically a precursor of N.E.O. Moms. It explains some of the drama that led to me creating a forum for moms/women/parents who don't get offended easily by the realities of life. This is review for long-term followers and necessary information for new followers.


So I am in a moms club, that has nothing to do with that other one, and have been since Mike was 6 months old. The camaraderie and support have been a lifesaver. In the 3 and a 1/2 years that I have been a member we have been mostly free of any controversy, until now. As the population of our club increases, so does the variety of personalities. We communicate by an email group, so of course the amount of emails have increased as well. This is where the conflict lies. Some of the moms were annoyed by the amount of emails,and then offended by content. This prompted our dear leader to send out an email that was basically a copy and paste of the bylaws. She is a cool chick and she is just fulfilling one of the roles of her position.

Well this prompted me, and some of my more vociferous friends, to wonder if it was something in particular that we wrote that provoked this smack down. Was it the email thread about penis water bottles, sex in exotic places, discarded foreskins or alcohol consumption, we will never know. So then everyone was on eggshells, sending out emails with disclaimers stating, I hope this is ok, I hope nobody is offended, I hope this is within our bylaws. I of course was one of those people and I sent it out tongue and cheek thinking this silliness would blow over and we could get back to the camraderie I thought all of us were enjoying. Wrong. I received a personal email back setting my ass straight.

This email was long, and swaddled in phrases of support for fellow moms, like respecting other mother's time and being sensitive to other mom's thresholds of offensiveness. But none of this could hide the underlying tone of condescension and control. I don't do condescending or authority very well. After reading this email I tried to sleep on it but that didn't work. I sent it to some very close friends to get feedback and that didn't quell my anger either. Then I sent out a smartass remark about mom's being too tired to use the delete button and that started a shit storm.

An onslaught of emails were posted by women whining about having to wade through a barrage of emails they found to be frivolous and inappropriate. They complained about their precious morning and afternoons being wasted because they had to read all these offensive emails. What ever happened to the delete buttons on their computers? When I am confronted by a boring thread of emails, I just delete them, no big deal.

As for offensiveness, this really gets my goat. We are mothers, we are women, we are adults. To paraphrase my friend Barb, you have to have sex to be a mother, it's kind of a prerequisite of a mom's club. So even if you adopted your child or used IVF, it's most likely that you at one point had sex and figured out it wasn't working like you planned. Even if you are a lesbian mother and have never had sex with a man, you at some point probably had sex with your partner. Considering the level of alarm that some of the mothers have expressed about the content of emails and conversations at our mom's night outs, I am thinking that their children are a result of virgin births or sex through a hole in a sheet. This is just my opinion of course.

Yes you heard right somebody complained about the adult conversations at one of our recent mom's nights out, that has nothing to do with any other mom's night out. Once a month we have a mom's night out event, that has nothing to do with any other event, with no children allowed, unless you are nursing. At the last event no children were present and somebody actually complained that we were talking about sex. If there are no children present then adult conversation is not inappropriate. Adult conversation should not be censored from email as well because it is assumed that a child is not reading an adult's emails. It is a parent's responsibility to make sure their children are not subjected to anything beyond their comprehension.

I am not alone in my opinion. I have received personal emails from women not easily offended, who agree with me and are dismayed by the path our club is taking. What is appropriate for adults is not appropriate for children. A successful mother's club realizes that distinction. What the new moms have yet to learn is that you can love and serve your children without sacrificing yourself. It is totally ok for you to be your true self and positively channel that into your childrearing practices. Otherwise you are going to be left alone with your husband, and you are going to be nothing but a shell. I am not talking about a pretty abalone shell, I am talking about an empty snail shell, with cobwebs.

It is absolutely fine for you to still hold onto the interests you had before becoming a parent. You may have to get a sitter to participate in them or even delay those activities for a few years, but you should not give them up. I enjoy cooking, dining out and reading. I can cook for guests while they watch my kids and keep them out of the kitchen. I get a sitter to dine out and I read before bed when my kids are asleep. What I really miss is listening to classical music and doing jigsaw puzzles. I know, I know, I am a closet nerd. I can put on classical music but my kids would eat and/or destroy a jigsaw puzzle so I don't even try. We are working up to camping and hiking. My point is that you don't have to completely give up who you are to be a good mom.

So is this division in the mom's club, different from that other mom's club, from new, inexperienced moms or is it a deeper division of philosophy? I recently went to a new member's house and saw a giant cross hanging on her wall. If I was a vampire or a werewolf, I would not feel safe in this neighborhood. As a Jew, I felt a little squirmy. I had a paranoid premonition that things in the mom's club were gonna change. Turns out I wasn't so paranoid. I really hope that is not it. If this sudden upheaval and outrage over behavior, we have grown accustomed to, is because of an infiltration of conservative christians, then I hope they join a mom's club in their church or I will just hit the road myself.

Well I think I have stirred up enough shit with this particular blog posting, what do you think? I need to watch t.v. with my husband now and go to bed soon.

Beach Party from Summer 2009

Ok no more I have dishes to do!

Video from San Diego

Warning: Making videos is addictive!

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Blog

So it's final, I need to stop talking about my colon. I had a normal bowel movement and I told my husband and he said, "OMG, are you going to blog about it? Take a picture and put it on Facebook? Are you going to tweet about it? Oh wait don't forget to upload that picture to twitpic.com!". I stood there with my jaw hanging and realized it's time to move on.



And my husband is a mother fucking smart ass.



But first, final shout outs to cool chicas taking care of me and my family.

Valerie= Super yummy casserole and those cookies were orgasmic! Seriously like fist-fight over the last one! And she is so sweet she brought me a mini-pumpkin and Halloween stickers, for me! Do you have one of those friends that are just pretty? I mean I can find beauty in anything but she is just so pretty. She's little with big hair and big eyes, and funny and smart.



Yvette G.= Off the hook chicken pot pie! I will get this recipe to you because you will lick the tin pie pan. And I have to say that the first week I was out of the hospital I could not handle extra monkeys around here, I was not too emotionally stable. But my dear friends who have showed up in the last week, I welcomed bringing their brood into my house. My kids are now more social after recovering from my absence so they welcome their monkey friends with open arms.



Debbie L. = Brought over like 5 days worth of food! And she works full-time! I love this chick because she is just who she is and that's it. I don't think I have ever met someone more secure in their own skin. And you know what's trippy? Her and her husband didn't want kids. And then one day her husband changed his mind and she was cool with it and they had the most perfect son. And I met her when she joined my old Mom's Club that I accidentally blew up.



Jen G.= I have known this chick forever. Our kids have been in the same playgroup since they were 6 months old. Her daughter, and the other baby girls, were all sitting up while the boys were rolling around drooling. Also she is an amazing cook!!! And I was so glad she brought her monkeys into play, even though she witnessed Michael beating the crap out of Bekah in a random moment of violence.



Chicken Pot Pie
Prep: 40 min;
Bake: 35 min
Make putting this all-time favorite together a snap by purchasing a ready-to-use pie crust.

1 (10-ounce) package frozen peas and carrots
1/3 cup butter or stick margarine
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup chopped onions
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 3/4 cups chicken broth - I use homemade stock
2/3 cup milk
2 1/2 to 3 cups cut-up cooked chicken or turkey - Rotisserie from Costco or Safeway

Pastry for 9-inch Two-Crust Pie (see recipe) - Pillsbury Pie Crust from refrigerated aisle

1. Rinse frozen peas and carrots in cold water to separate; drain.
2. Melt butter in 2-quart saucepan over medium heat. Stir in flour, onion, salt and pepper. Cook, stirring constantly, until mixture is bubbly; remove from heat. Stir in broth and milk. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir 1 minute. Stir in chicken and peas and carrots; remove from heat.
3. Heat oven to 425°.
4. Make pastry. Roll two-thirds of the pastry into 13-inch square. Ease into ungreased square pan, 9 ¥ 9 ¥ 2 inches. Pour chicken mixture into pastry-lined pan.
5. Roll remaining pastry into 11-inch square. Cut out designs with 1-inch cookie cutter. Place square over chicken mixture. Arrange cutouts on pastry.(Yvette made a heart on mine!) Turn edges of pastry under and flute.

* I use a standard pie plate.
6. Bake about 35 minutes or until golden brown.

NUTRITION FACTS: 1 Serving (about 1 cup):; Calories 685 (Calories from Fat 425); Fat 47g (Saturated 16g); Cholesterol 80mg; Sodium 1,050mg; Carbohydrate 44g (Dietary Fiber 3g); Protein 24g % DAILY VALUE:; Vitamin A 48%; Vitamin C 4%; Calcium 6%; Iron 20% DIET EXCHANGES:; 2 Starch; 2 Medium-Fat Meat; 3 Vegetable; 6 Fat My best friends and I have been making this recipe since college. I think it originally came out of a Betty Crocker cookbook.

I still can't hit the gym until my blood pressure is under control which won't happen until I am the Prednisone (evil steroid). So I decided to take advantage of my IV/liquid diet weight loss by scheduling professional family photos. Which means I have spent the last 5 days obsessively looking for the perfect outfits for my family to wear. And pick a location where there is no running water because there is no way in Hell Jake will pose for pictures with any water, anywhere. Even Michael would be too distracted. We are using Melinda Bunker. A N.E.O. Mom of course and a phenomenal photographer.

If you are a reader of this blog who lives closer to the San Jose area I have another N.E.O. Mom photographer to reccommend to you. In high school I knew her as Patti and she once called me, "A walking social disease", but I forgive her because that's a pretty funny line and I was a mess. Now she is professionally known as Patricia Martin Photography. The pictures of the newborns on her website make Anne Geddes look like she works at Sears Portraits.

Ok wow I serioulsy need to get off this couch and get my ass in gear. That laundry isn't going to fold itself. But before I lurch out of here I did pin Saint Sarah down to babysit the kids so Erik and I can celebrate our 6 year anniversary appropriately. I nailed her down for a whole Saturday. So maybe a couples massage and a dinner and a movie. Or maybe a hotel room and some hookers and crack like the good ol' days before we had kids. Any ideas?

A Post A Day Keeps the Vampires Away

This blog I never heard of called, NaBloWriMo, put me on their blog roll. It is a blog roll showcasing blogs committed to posting everyday. Basically to promote writing, reading and literacy. Always a good thing. Check them out!