Reader's Choice; Regrets.

I have had writer's block lately. That thing called life keeps getting in the way. I asked my "fans" on my Facebook page to inspire me and give me some topics.  Both Clare and Jen asked if I had any regrets or if I could go back in a time machine what year would I change. 

The answer is no.  Every decision I have made, or experience that I have had, has made me the person I am today and I don't want to change that.  Even the bad stuff, because it's better the devil you know, than the devil you don't. 

I have been mulling about this topic all morning. When this happens my brain turns into a cable news channel. No matter what is happening on the main screen there is a line of words continuously scrolling across the bottom. I am engaged with my present life but there is that scroll of words, which are my thoughts, just moving and changing as I edit out or in what I am going to blog about later.

At first I thought I am going to list every decision or experience I have ever had and blog about why I don't regret it. But as I did a mental review of my life I got bored, sad, and embarrassed. I realized any readers were going to have those same feelings. I can handle you being sad or embarrassed but not bored! 

This blog is supposed to be about moms not easily offended by the realities of life so I decided to be real. No fluffy stuff. If you can't handle that right now then you are welcome to bail and go read Moms Who Drink and Swear (my favorite). 

I am going to write about experiences and decisions I have made, but only since becoming a mother. So as to keep it brief, and not bore the shit out of everyone. Below will be a list of the topics:

Having kids

Getting pregnant on my honeymoon

Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months

Getting a nanny even though I am a stay-at-home-mom

Abortion/Autism/The big V

Buying this house

Anti-depressants

Starting my blog

Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out of it

Mike's diagnosis

Re-joining the Mom's Club

Almost losing my colon

Right now

If you are starting to get bored already I will just tell that the question is do I regret any of these and the answer is no. But if you want to know why then read on.

Having kids: For those who have known me pre marriage I used to say that I didn't want to have kids at all.  And I meant it. But that's because I never met a man who I thought was capable of being a good father.  Then I found Erik. Problem solved, he is a kick ass dad, husband and my best friend. 

Getting pregnant on my honeymoon: I don't regret that though it was surprising and a tad inconvenient.  I was wearing maternity clothes and still sending out thank you cards for wedding gifts. 

Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months: I only lasted this long with Mike because he was a bad sucker and I mostly pumped and fed him breast milk from a bottle anyways. And I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Bekah if I had continued to breastfeed him.  I only lasted 6 months with Bekah because I needed to go on an antibiotic for  2 weeks so I just quit. I lasted 10 months with Jake because he was a good sucker and by then I could nurse and walk around and yell at the other two.

Getting a nanny: LOSER! You are a stay-at-home-mom and you have a nanny how fucking lazy are you?! This is what I used to think about women with nannies. Then when Bekah was 5 weeks old I was nursing her and Mike got mad because Sesame Street ended so he launched himself off the couch, did a flip, landed on his head, held his breath and passed out. I thought he was going to be a paraplegic.  I put Bekah on the floor and dialed 9-1-1.  Mike was of course fine and showed the super cute firemen his firetruck.  I was still in my jammies with milk leaking from my breasts and generally looked like shit. The next day I started the search for a nanny and I never looked back. When you find the right person to care for your kids you realize that there is nothing wrong with another person loving your children. 

Abortion/Autism/The big V: Life was perfect! I had a boy, I had a girl, my husband's practice was going great, our house had gone up in value and then blam I got pregnant again!  The birth control pill failed me for the first time in my life. I was NOT going to have 3 kids all under the age of 3 years old and all in diapers, oh hell no!!!!! But my husband talked me out of it, he said,"Families who can afford to feed their kids don't have abortions.". And I am glad I listened. He did schedule a vasectomy that day to be done in the future.


Some of you may be thinking that, "Wow she chose to have her son and then he ended up having Autism. I wonder if she regrets that.". No. He's the cutest one.  I don't regret, I don't resent. His dimples, big brown eyes and blonde curls are those of an angel. And that's what he is. A mystery, a challenge, an angel. Every day I am a better person because of him. That doesn't mean I don't yell at him like I do to my other two but sometimes when nobody is looking I give him extra candy. He's my baby. He's my heart walking outside of my body that I will never be able to fully protect.  

Please watch this video while I go dab my eyes. It never fails to make me laugh.

 Buying this house: I miss my old  house. It had a giant grassy yard with tons of trees. But it was too small for our growing family. So we put it up for sale, and selling that house and moving into this house, which tanked in value almost did me in.  I started to bite my fingernails for the first time in my life.  Keeping a house clean enough to sell with 3 kids under the age of 3 was brutal and then moving and unpacking......actually I never finished unpacking and we have been here for 4 years. But we have a bigger house and someday the value will be regained. And our old house was perfect for the family that moved into it. 

Anti-depressants: Shortly after we moved into this house I started to wean Jake. I had gotten pregnant so quickly after having Bekah and Mike that I never experienced any post-partum "feelings".  I really thought I had escaped it, and I was so happy because that sure didn't look fun. And then I weaned Jake and my body was not nursing and not pregnant for the first time in 3 years. I won't share the gory details, if you have been there yourself you don't want to hear it anyways. I used to think anti-depressants were for weak people. IDIOT!!!! I will never go off of them, ever. If momma ain't happy then ain't nobody happy.

Starting my blog:  I had another blog before this, "You Sure Do Have Your Hands Full." Erik suggested I write to help me get stuff off my chest.  Marrying him was the best choice I ever made even though he created a monster with the whole blog thing. It was a great idea but it got me in trouble and that blog is private now. Read below.

Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out: I promise not to rehash this embarrassing episode of my life.  You can read about it here. I don't regret that because I wouldn't have started this blog. 

Mike's Diagnosis: March 2 years ago my oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory Processing disorder and my youngest was diagnosed with Autism. Not a good month. I went through all the stages of denial etc. etc. and now I look at Mike's diagnosis as a gift and Jake's as a challenge. All my children are gifts I don't deserve.

Re-joining the Mom's Club: Yep after all that drama I asked to return. I still had a young one at home and he needed socialization.  I am totally glad I did even if I had to swallow my pride.

Almost losing my colon: The last year and a 1/2 were the worst for my health.  I have Ulcerative Colitis and almost lost my colon. Last ditch switch to a new medication and I am totally happy and healthy again. 

Right now: I am good! I am healthy, so are my kids.  All of them are excelling in school and we are taking Jake to a developmental pediatrician to get a more detailed treatment plan. My husband is moving into a brand new office and even though he is a grouchy ass nervous wreck right now, it's going to be wonderful.  I have an awesome support system of friends and family and I am so grateful for everything in my life. 

I don't regret anything. Here is a song to express my feelings. 

Wait for it.......right after the minute mark and it's worth it. 

I Should Be Cleaning The Kitchen

The pic above are my 3 monkeys right before my oldest turned 7 years old. Every spring their birthdays line up.  The first year this happened, 1,2,3 years old, I took a picture of them holding up their ages and now I am committed to doing that every spring as long as they will let me. 


We hit a recent milestone.  With his goofy 3 missing teeth smile my oldest refused to kiss me good-bye in public this morning. I didn't cry but when I pick him up from camp this afternoon I am going to grab him and give him a big smooch. Payback for all the times he has farted, burped and yelled inappropriate words in public.


My youngest son just stuck a handful of coins in the oven. I don't know why he does that. Thankfully he only does it when the oven is off.


My daughter brought a Christmas stocking full of doll clothes to school this morning. We are Jewish and it's July. I like to choose my battles wisely. Otherwise known as too tired to fight about it. 


My husband and I like to add our own dialogue to The Bacherlorette reality show. It's R-rated and funny as hell. To the two of us.


OK I feel better.  The garbage disposal is dead after much abuse, so I guess I gotta take care of that. And clean the damn kitchen.  The floor is sticky like a movie theater.

A Vow Deconstructed

in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish;
from this day forward,
until death do us part. 


On our wedding day, as we stand in our finest before our friends and family we repeat these vows and largely take them for granted. 


 Well of course I will bring you a blankie and the remote while you are laid up on the couch, I can make chicken noodle soup and rub your feet and I can run to the pharmacy.  If I must, I can clean up after you and I can definitely pick up the phone and call your mom to come save your ass.  


It's really when you have a few years of marriage under your belt and something arises that let's you really know what those vows mean. Maybe your husband falls off a bike and breaks a leg. All of a sudden your independent man needs your help and sometimes he's cranky about it. Or in my case I started a new medication this evening that is supposed to help with my ulcerative colitis.  


I read all the instructions and I even used the practice "pen" they gave me but lucky for me my husband is a family practice doctor and I asked him to do it for me. I laid on my back on the couch and he swabbed me with alcohol and gave me 4 different injections in my stomach. It hurt but I just pretended I was getting a tattoo. 


We cleaned up and I changed into some sweat pants since my tummy was sore and I asked him to please do bedtime and I would make him dinner.  After the kids were in bed I thanked him for giving me those injections and not being grossed out.  He said it was his pleasure and that he just wants me to feel better. 


To love and to cherish, he makes that very easy to do.

Hurricane Katrina 5 years later

I remember that August well. My oldest was 15 months old and I was hugely pregnant with my daughter. Mike was playing with a Hot Wheels track and I was watching super hottie Anderson Cooper on CNN while folding laundry.

That was Anderson Cooper's epic coverage of the Super Dome in New Orleans, with all the stranded victims of Hurricane Katrina. As he talked to the camera a hugely pregnant woman shuffled behind him. I gasped. Here I am cool, comfortable, safe and well-fed watching a woman as pregnant as me sweating, with no access to food or water. I started bawling.

Michael is the emotional barometer in our home and he was immediately concerned. Just then my husband opened our front door which faced our living room. And this is where it gets funny. My dear husband saw his crying pregnant wife, holding his son and Erik actually took one step backwards. He stood on the threshold of our home, one foot in and  one foot out, and stole a quick glance over his shoulder. He was thinking of making a run for it!!  Erik was struggling hard to think what he had done to make me cry and how he could escape punishment. What a chicken.

I explained to him why I was crying, and it wasn't until he realized he was not guilty of anything that he felt safe walking into the house and shutting our front door. In his defense I was a little psycho when I was pregnant.

Now I have a 6 year old, an almost 5 year old and a 3 year old. I am so happy to not be pregnant during another summer! But I still wonder about that other pregnant woman. Did she and her baby make it?  Is her child going to start Kindergarten next year like my daughter Bekah? Does she, or did she have more kids?  Does she still live in New Orleans? I can only pray that she is safe now.

My Summer Vacation by Charlotte

I took some major time off from my blog and I missed writing, and offending and entertaining my friends. I'd like to give you a run-down on my summer before I go back to my usual erratic posts.

June
*  Kids did great with their swim lessons even though Jake and Bekah's class was monopolized by some helicopter parents. That means they hovered over the pool and bossed the swim coach around. All 3 of them: mom, dad and grandmother. The poor little boy was wearing a swim vest and goggles, neither of which fit properly. It was killing me! Poor little guy. My only advice to the swim coach was, drag Jake's ass into the pool if he tries to run away.

* Took my savages to Disneyland for their first time. Lots of family joined us and we dominated the park. My daughter is fearless, my sons are wimps. Mike heard the first chord of organ music in The Haunted Mansion and ran screaming for the door. Jake was catatonic for an hour after going on The Pirates of the Caribbean. Bekah went on Tower of Terror twice!  She's 4 years old.

July
* Husband was on-call Fourth of July weekend. Super suck.

* Took my 3 monkeys to the county fair by myself. Hot and expensive but I am not afraid to hit the beer booth. Best money spent was shooting water balloons out of a sling-shot, at each other. I have better aim than they do (evil laugh) that's what they get for waking me up at dawn.  Jake was on my team and Bekah and Mike had their own, ineffective team. We drew such an audience of people laughing that the booth's owner kept giving us free water balloons. We got him a whole new line of customers. It was really fun. One woman was laughing so hard she had to sit on the grass so as not to pee her pants.

*Kids did sports camp, craft camp, no girls allowed camp and a music class.

* I decided to take the kids camping for a weekend by myself. Not really, my Dad and Step-mom and other family were there to pick up some slack. My reasoning was that Erik would have a lovely weekend by himself and would be refreshed.

*We spent the whole weekend in the lake swimming. Jake practically hyperventilated when I tried to swim out to the buoys in the middle of the lake. I started to turn back and my dear Dad said,"No! Spend 5 minutes by yourself he needs grow out of this!". Thanks Dad. It was so nice to swim out past the pee warmed water and shiny slick of sunscreen,to the middle of the lake where it was nice and cool and quiet. Totally cleared my head.

* I was exhausted the next day and packed up camp around my sleeping kids. I then poured them into semi-clean clothes and packed them into the van. I told them we would stop for milk and donuts if they let me drive home with no stops or fighting. I was so excited thinking that I would dump them on my refreshed husband and take a giant nap. When I got home Erik was laid up with a sprained ankle..........no rest for the wicked.

*Mike flooded our downstairs. Our cat drinks from the bathroom sink and Mike turned it on full-blast, plugged the sink and then came back upstairs to snuggle with us in bed. While Erik and I are laying in bed listening to our 3 kids sing songs about farts we had no idea our bathroom was flooding beyond the walls and onto the hallway carpet. Such a lovely thing to come downstairs and see before I have even had a cup of coffee.

*Keep your records updated, I called the number my husband gave me for our insurance guy and it was phone sex chat-line!

*Happy ending: home owner's insurance is buying us new downstairs carpet.  I have decided to let my 6 year old live. Then I had a huge good-bye to the old carpet playgroup here with my friends and all their kids. At least 15 kids were here. Good times.

August (last weekend of July)
*My brother Bill and his woman, Ari,  came to spend a couple of nights. They were trying to catch a military flight out of Travis Air Force Base for Europe (the long way). Bill is a Navy Seal. Lots of family in and out all day feeding them brunch, lunch and grilled a couple of tri-tips. Tons of fun.

* After they left their travels took them to Spain and Morocco. They stayed here on there way home for a couple of more nights. I love having them here because they are very hands-on with the kids and not only are a huge help but really tire out my kids!

*The same day Bill and Ari went home Erik's grandmother came to stay a couple of nights. She came with me to Mike's camp talent show and Mike booed a little girl and made her cry. I wanted to fucking die!!  I dragged him out of the room and told him how he had hurt her feelings and was never allowed to boo again for the rest of his life. And he said,"Even at a football game?". And I said maybe. Then I made him apologize to her and by that time he was in tears.

*I took Grandma-in-law and kids to visit a cousin of hers in Marin. They were super nice and had 2 kids of their own. He is V.P. of Wordpress so I didn't mention I had a blog on Blogger and I told my Grandmother-in-law not to say anything either.

*The next day tons more family came for a bbq and then sister-in-law took her grandmother home with her.

*Erik was on-call this entire time. It sucked.

*Hooked up with friend of over 30 years and took our kids to Gilroy Gardens. Fun!

*Jake has taken to climbing the outside of the stairs. Like a rock wall. The first time I found him I couldn't even reach him  because he had climbed so high. I ran upstairs and dragged him over the railing to safety. I have weaved a crib bumper through the spindles but that's just slowing him down. Any ideas besides barbed wire or broken glass?

*Last night bbq here, tonight bbq at friends, tomorrow more bbq at friends. And then back to school on Monday. Three different schools, three different schedules.........wish me luck.

Mother's Day 2010

Since I am a mommy blogger I am obligated to write something on Mother's Day.

I celebrated on Friday by going wine-tasting with my N.E.O. Mom friends in Napa. That was awesome!

Saturday my 4 year old daughter and 5 year old son had dance recitals.  That was awesome!

Today, Mother's Day, not so awesome.

My husband has been oncall all weekend, I have barely seen him. My kids were beastly today and it was pouring rain, trapping us inside. I could have gone to the gym but the time I got my act together the daycare was closed.  They closed early for Mother's Day.

I dragged everyone to the grocery store, during the brief time Erik was home, so we could have some together time and get out of the house. A husband is almost as bad at the grocery store as 3 kids.

I planned to make an amazing dinner, because I love to cook.  But Erik got called back to the hospital, so I cancelled it.

I let the kids play in the mud once it stopped raining, bathed them and put them to bed.  Bekah was inconsolable, crying for her father. I ran out of patience. Now I feel like shit for yelling at her and want to wake her up and apologize.

But this Mother's Day is still marginally better than the Mother's Day we took the kids to Hooters for dinner.

Happy Mother's Day.

Spring Numbers

For the new readers of this blog I would like to inform you that every year I take pictures of my kids when their ages run concurrently. Since my oldest 2 are 17 months apart and my youngest 2 are 15 months apart, every spring they are very close in age, until my oldest's birthday in June. This year I am the proud owner of a 3,4 and 5 year old.

I used to do this big production where I cut out pieces of cardboard in the shapes of their ages and covered them with wrapping paper.  I started off having them hold them, but then found it was easier to tape them to the wall above their heads.

This year I got almost no cooperation from them at all.

At first Mike completely refused, then Bekah and then Jake. This may be my last year doing this. I know the grandparents will be very disappointed.

Their tshirts say "I'm 3/4/5 what's your excuse?"  My plan was for them to line up against the wall so you could read their tshirts. Whatever.

Bad Genes

I have sat on my ass, wasting time for 2 hours this morning! I kept my sweet 4 year old home from school for one more day to make sure she is 100% healthy, and she is entertaining herself. I could have done a lot of stuff in 2 hours instead of watching Max and Ruby with her, and screwing around on the Internet. But I am really, really anxious.

My dear, sweet, responsible husband, and I, have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician today. We are seeing her to come up with a plan of action in regards to our 5 year old's atrocious school behavior. And I feel like I am in trouble. I feel like I am being called to the Principal's office. And trust me I know exactly what that feels like.

I know because in first grade I got sent to the Principal's office for running away from school (and conning a friend to join me) because the teacher made me write lines. The lines were, "I will be quiet in class". Instead I wrote, "I will not shut-up in class" and then at recess me and Heather snuck off when the yard duty wasn't looking. It was really bad because they thought we had been kidnapped. That is the one and only time I have actually seen a person's face turn purple. The principal was a substitutePrincipal and he was sooo mad. As an adult I realize now what I put everyone through.

In the second grade I got sent to the Principal's office for refusing to pledge allegiance to the flag because of the phrase "under G-d". There is supposed to be a separation of church and state in America. I am still right on that one. I love G-d, and our flag, and I get goosebumps when I hear our anthem sung. I just get a bad feeling when we combine patriotism and religion. My mom was really embarrassed.

In the third grade they started the state testing (here in California) that our kids are tortured with now. And it was a big deal, just as it is now. When it came to gender, mark male or female, I made my own bubble, wrote the word "Other" next to it and filled it in. In my defense that wasn't my idea. Another girl dared me to do it, and I just can't resist a dare. Holy Crap that principal was mad. But he didn't call my mom. I came home and told my mom as a preemptive strike, and she laughed, and said, "I am so glad he didn't' call me and tell me that over the phone because I would have just laughed.". Phew, what a relief.

Remember in grade school when they would make you chew those red tablets that would stain the plaque on your teeth, to show you where you weren't not brushing adequately? I refused to do that. My reasoning being that my parents tax money could be better spent on academics, instead of wasting time picking up other parents slack when it comes to their children's poor dental hygiene. That teacher lasted one year at that school. That was 4th grade.

I could go on and on and on. But I need to shower and find an outfit that makes me look like a concerned parent. The point I am trying to make by sharing these anecdotes is I know exactly where my oldest child's behavior comes from. But if you ask me I just say, "He's exactly like my brother Bill.".

Sorry Mom.

My Take on American Idol

I feel the need to comment on American Idol but my husband is doing work. And when I spout off about American Idol on Facebook people unfriend me.

The first singer was that teen-aged girl that sang Kelly Clarkson. Torture!! Boringggg. This is when I miss Paula, because then she would say, "But you look pretty.".

I love that Siobhan chick!! She is the one who sang House of the Rising Sun because that's her Dad's favorite song. I thought she did an awesome job! And then Simon ripped on her. Who pissed in his Cheerios?

That one chick is trying too hard to look like Pat Benatar. Her hair bugs me and I thought she was a snooze fest. But the judges liked her so what the fuck do I know?


That chick with the really cool blond, curly hair sang Carole King and she sang it too fast. I like her too, I don't want her to fail.


I hope I don't have to repeat this every week, but if you are going to sing Stevie Nicks, Pat Benatar, Heart etc. don't fuck it up. Just don't. The judges loved that weepy girl who sang Rhiannon (one of my favorite songs in the universe) and I thought it was too shrieky.

I liked the girl named Kaitlyn mostly because I have a niece named Kaitlyn. But the song she chose was just too old for her. She needs to sing something bubbly. The judges agreed with me but they really didn't need to tear her a new asshole on live television............that was kind of harsh.

Siobhan and dread locked single mom are my favorite contestants this year. She sang Tracy Chapman tonight, which is a no-brainer perfect song for her. I thought for sure Simon was going to say that was a "too safe" song choice but he didn't!!

I am into mandolins and banjos and all that but I thought that frosted hair wanna be Blondie sucked! But the judges loved her too! I guess I just couldn't get the original "I Fall to Pieces" out of my head.

Tomorrow night are the men and they are no Adam Lamberts. The only guy I like was the Hispanic guy with the tattoo on his neck. He didn't go home did he? I can't even remember what happened last week. Shit if my short-term memory is this bad at 39, what am I going to be like when I am 89?

Oh nevermind, Erik looked it up for me and that guy is still on the show and so is the guy who should never wear a shirt. We are so nerdy sitting here with our dueling laptops.

Cruise 2010

I could have easily stayed another week on that cruise. Or just a week in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. For those that haven't read my blog in awhile my husband and I took our 3 monkeys on a 7 day cruise to Mexico. If you are feeling jealous, don't waste your time. We earned this vacation.




2 weeks before we left my kids had colds, and ear infections, my 33 year old brother got a blood clot in each lung, my mom had her appendix removed and 4 days before we were to leave on our cruise all 3 kids started on antibiotics for Scarlet Fever!!!! And then Erik got a sore throat on the cruise but my husband toughed it out.


The next 4 pictures are of me and our monkeys in the dining room. The food is a step above hotel food but that didn't stop me from making a complete pig of myself.

Erik and I were able to steal some time alone due to Camp Carnival. They have a program for 2-5 year olds so my kids were all together. Mike is 5.5 years old so he thought he was way too mature for the babies. We were met with some resistance from him but he got over it after making some new friends. Bekah loved the program and Jake is a mama's boy but he still managed to have fun as well.

One night was "Prince and Princesses" night and involved some face-painting. You gotta love Mike's moustache. I see future employment at Burger King.

Lot's of cute cuddling going on. The reason you don't see Bekah in her cute dress and make-up is because she was busy peeing all over it. Bekah was deathly afraid of the toilets on the cruise and had 4 accidents. We finally had to bribe her with candy to go poo. I was deathly afraid she was going to have a poo accident and you know who would end up cleaning that up.

Miniature golf on the cruise was fun! The kids loved it!

Bekah insisted that Erik hug this parrot good-bye. And our game did end abruptly when Jake decided to steal balls from other families to throw.

I am really glad there was activities like this on the ship because Puerto Vallarta was cold and rainy and even Mazatlan wasn't that nice, weather or scenery. In P.V. Erik and I checked the kids into Camp Carnival and got off the boat only to visit Wal-Mart. We needed a few supplies and it was pretty exciting considering I am way too liberal to shop at Wal-Mart when I am home. Luckily there are shows, a balloon guy, an arcade, trivia games, Scattergories, a library where you can take the kids to go color and do puzzles or play cards on the ship. Then of course the Camp Carnival is great so you can drop off the kids and you and your beloved can have privacy and get your drink and gamble on.

I won $800 on the slot machines!!!!!! I basically paid for half of my personal bar tab.

Here is a picture of our ship The Splendor from the beach in Cabo San Lucas. See how big that ship is? Well the rain was so bad in Mazatlan that visibility was down to zero and our ship hit a pleasure sail boat. Doh!! The Captain didn't even inform us of this collision until 12 hours later and they never did tell us what happened to the other boat. During the collision the water from the pools, hot tubs and the standing rain water sloshed around and flooded the elevators, breaking them for the whole day. The ship listed portside for the whole day. So when you took a shower all the water flooded the bathroom instead of going down the drain. Pretty crazy huh?

Cabo was absolute paradise. The weather was perfect and the ocean water was warm. We took the monkeys to the resort where Erik and I honey-mooned. They let us use their pool, towels and facilites if we bought food and drinks. Which was $20. And for $20 we got 2 Pina Coladas, 2 beers, 3 Sprites, chips and salsa.

After we got sick of saying, "No Gracias", to all of the beach vendors we moved to the resort's beautiful pool. We met some families with kids our age and who had them close together too, so they didn't think we were freaks.

Bekah is 4 years old now and 4 year old girls are so damn bossy and sassy!!! Mike was never this bossy or sassy. See her stance below? You know she is just giving her father some lip. Within 10 minutes of meeting these 2 other girls at the pool she was bossing them around like crazy. And they took it. And one girl was a year older than her.

Look how cute he is!

That pool was soooo warm!

We stopped for a family photo since this was the resort where Mike was most likely conceived. Mike named this statue behind us King Butt.

It's funny how sometimes just the littlest things can make a person so happy. Every night when the staff turned down our beds they made animals out of towels. I loved this towel monkey since I nicknamed my kids monkeys.

My favorite thing on the cruise was gambling and dropping the kids off at Camp Carnival. Mike's favorite thing was the arcade, the desserts and ordering room service. Bekah loved Camp Carnival, the towel animals and going to the library to color. Jake liked the copious amounts of food and the elevators. Erik just liked not being at work.

Coming home from vacation and going back to work is always hard but this week seems even more depressing. I really need another week!

The Blessed Holidays

Damn this whole parenting gig is getting in the way of my blogging. Not to mention my quality of sleep, social life and mental health. But they are cute kids, and I have decided to keep them.

I apologize to my handful of readers for falling off the face of the blogosphere but once your youngest child gives up naps your life becomes even busier. Now that my holiday season is over I will try to find some more time for writing.

In my house we celebrate Hanukkah and it's already over. So now I can sit back and watch my friends who celebrate Christmas run around like maniacs, just like I was doing last week. And since my husband will be on-call New Year's Eve, New Year's Day AND January 2nd and 3rd, this is really the end of my holidays. But I am not going to start dieting until January, I have too many leftovers and treats to finish off.

I was going to hit the gym today, especially since my breakfast consisted of a turkey, cranberry and gravy sandwich with a side order of fudge. But after his soccer game my strong-willed 5 year old refused to go to the gym. Now usually I would have forcibly changed him out of his soccer uniform, strapped him into the van and told him that if his behavior gets me called out of my work-out then he will get no t.v. for 24 hours. But we had 32 people here last night and all three of my kids were up until 9:30pm. I know he is legitimately tired and that I shouldn't push my luck. So I sacrificed my work-out to stay home with him, and my husband took the other monkeys to the gym. I have more time during the week to work-out than my husband does so it's only fair.

In the last month since I have last blogged this is what has been going on:

*Auntie M had that jewelry party at her house and it was fun and I bought some pretty jewelry including a custom made necklace for my Mom, which I ordered behind her back as a gift.

*We hosted my mother-in-law's birthday here at my house and a Thanksgiving, and also had Thanksgiving at my Dad's in Sacramento. And Mike stepped in dog poop at my Dad's house. Without fail, when we go to a party, either my sons or my husband will step in dog poop. I just don't get it. I have stepped in dog poop maybe 3 times in my whole life, and so far my daughter has never stepped in dog poop!!

*We celebrated my daughter's birthday, our office manager's birthday, my birthday and my sister-in-law Amanda's birthday. The cutest girl in the world turned 4 years old and partied at Chuck E. Cheese. I got a mani/pedi and went to a Raiders game with my husband.

*My N.E.O. Mom's Club went out for a 1 year anniversary fondue dinner. And we roped a pregnant club member into being our designated driver.

* Went to the hospital Christmas party with my husband. Mostly a snooze fest but not as boring as past parties.

*And last week was totally insane. Hanukkah party, got new blinds installed, carpets cleaned, finished off gift shopping, our business practice's lunch, brought donuts and read a Hanukkah story to my 5 year old and my 3 year old's classroom, got up early Friday morning and made latkes for preschool party, and then Saturday (yesterday) I hosted 32 people at my house for a Hanukkah/Xmas party.

*And today my house is a disaster zone. I got the kitchen put back together and 3 loads of laundry done but the rest of the house is a mess, and we are over capacity for both the recycling and the garbage can. I gotta sneak some trash into our neighbor's cans.


A little gossip about last night. A step-nephew I haven't seen in awhile showed up with tattoos on his face and a pregnant girlfriend. Sigh. I only hope the best for them, of course, and the baby is going to be gorgeous, no doubt about that. It's just hard to wrap my brain around the fact that my step-brother is going to be a grandfather when he also has a 7 year old daughter and he is only a few years older than I am!

My kids actually have school Monday and Tuesday of this week even though the public schools don't. I am totally cool with that! Wednesday I am hosting a small cookie decorating party here at my house. Thursday will probably be movies and Chinese food, a Jewish Christmas tradition but Christmas day we have been invited to hang out with my brother-in-law's giant family.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!!!

Halloween is More Stressful than Christmas/Hannukah!

Remember how insanely happy you were at Halloween when you were a kid? Like seriously out of your mind? Even if your family didn't have a ton of money, and you didn't have the best costume in the world, Halloween was almost always guaranteed fun. That's because your Mom did everything.

Last Thursday, Oct. 29th, I started thinking about all the things I needed to get done to get the kids ready for their school parties, parade and then Halloween itself. Which includes dragging my crazy 2 year old along and trying to get him to maintain. Plus all the other usual crap I have to do. I started freaking out!

On my Facebook page I put my concerns in my status update. Sometimes you write something in your status update and everyone ignores you. Sometimes you accidentally start a shit-storm, this time it was a mommy vent-fest! Read below to see what I'm talking about. I have deleted the last names to protect the innocent.




Charlotte: is it me or is it kind of stressful getting kids costumed and to all of their activities on time with a smile on your face?




Beatrice
The sugar high afterwards is the best @@Is your parade today? Was hoping that we got to wrangle kids together on Friday!
October 29 at 9:42am ·

Barbara
Absolutely stressful! Hope you had fun once you got there.
October 29 at 10:30am ·

Sharon
Super stressful, in fact, this morning I was thinking that having kids and keeping crap organized is never ending, especially with school! And what is worse is when I finally show up all in one piece (kids fed and not a mess), I then have to pretend that I am really happy to be wherever the hell I am supposed to be!! :) It's sort of all BS! Last night at I.s swim class, K. was throwing this gigantic tantrum, (i.e. trying to jump in the pool and of course not listening to a damn word I had to say), and I felt like I was the mom from hell, wrestling with her to stay out of the pool, while all the other moms were gorgeous, hair all in place, smiling and watching me!!! :) Sorry, just had to vent! Off to pretend things are easy! :)
October 29 at 10:47am ·

Louise
Come on you guys, you love it and you know it. ( I'm Charlotte's mom)
October 29 at 11:13am ·

Stacy
14 year old still going trick or treating...he dressed up like a girl for years and pulled it off pretty good but now that he cut his hair....
October 29 at 12:02pm ·

Julie
Wait, we have to smile too???



Charlotte (me again)
I am stressing already and nothing starts until tomorrow. I just have to use babysitter time today to prepare for tomorrow's parade, party and baseball class. Also go to Dr.'s appt. bank, pay bills, pick up Mike from school, Target and throw a costume together for Jake that looks like his mother cares about him, even though he doesn't know Halloween from his elbow. And Jake just did something destructive but very impressive to one of our baby gates instead of napping. Tomorrow morning I get to dress them up for Halloween all super cute and fluffy get them to Mike's class party and convince Bekah that's better than going to her party because i can't be in 2 places at once and drag my insane 2 yr. old along who is already giving me chronic shoulder pain because he weighs more than that balloon boy kid who is 6 yrs. old and he constantly wants to run away. Do parade with kids' school, come home and try to feed them lunch and do nap and then baseball class which I hope Mike will behave at and Bekah and Jake will not want to join. I can fake smile through anything but I will be sweaty and have frizzy hair and I refuse to suck in my stomach. Mom it's time to start the Aricept. Love,Charlotte

Charlotte
Just kidding about the Aricept mom, I don't' want you to google that and get mad at me.
October 29 at 1:05pm ·

Charlotte
And if I don't' go get my eyebrows waxed soon people are going to start confusing me with my husband. Ok seriously now I am going to do filing because I am sure Jimmy Hoffa is buried under a pile of bills on my desk.
October 29 at 1:10pm ·

Pamela
Before I had kids I thought all the holiday stuff would be a blast. Now I realize exactly how hard it is and that it is a lot of work. It is not about me having fun, it is about the kids having fun, which is right, but kind of sad - especially since I doubt they are going to remember any of it. I always wanted to be a fun mom, but it is hard to be a fun mom when there is so much work that has to get done and you are the only one doing it. I guess you just have to do the best you can and write off the rest. Otherwise, it will make you crazy. :-)
October 29 at 3:28pm ·

Charlotte
I am less stressed now. I got a lot done today and Sarah helped me with creative ideas. Thank G-d for somebody younger with more energy. This was all sooo much fun when you were a kid, it's BECAUSE YOUR MOMMA DID IT ALL! Now for a walk and pumpkin carving.
October 29 at 3:41pm ·

Linda
I use to love dressing up for Halloween...but with kids, I forget about me and now tomorrow people expect us, teachers, to wear costumes...I don't have one! Where did the days go?
October 29 at 6:09pm ·



I hit a nerve didn't I?

We make it to the parties in time and the kids were adorable. I brought cheese and crackers to Mike's party and then Bekah wanted to go to her party with her peers. So I did end up dragging Jake back and forth between the 2 classrooms and just kept him in his stroller for basically 2 hours.

The parade of 2-5 year old's march to the city hall and the employees and police pass out candy and even the new mayor came out to greet the kids. Some asshole gave the kids whistles though!!! Who does that? I quickly confiscated those.

Halloween day dawns and Jake has a fever. So I stayed home with him while the kids hung out with Erik all day and then went to Auntie M.'s for pizza and trick and treating. Mike started to whine that he was tired before the third house, sure enough he woke up sick on Sunday.

Now it's Monday. Mike has a fever, Jake is healthy ,and surly, and so far (knock on wood) Bekah is healthy. It's 80 degrees today and I am watching Scooby Doo. I want to go to the park!

Below is Bekah as Dorothy and Michael as Optimus Prime. And Chester, Auntie M's dog, as Yoda.

Here's to Thanksgiving!

I seriously can't think of a title

Last Saturday Erik and I celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary with a day in Calistoga. The drive was amazingly scenic because of the fall colors. (Yes we do have fall colors in California!) I discovered one down-side to having a husband who does not have to commute to work; Erik has forgotten how to drive.

I kept slamming on an imaginary brake-pedal and eventually leaned back and closed my eyes. I wasn't resting ,I was praying, "Holy shit don't let him kill us!". What's even more amazing is that Erik's sister, Auntie M., is the best driver ever! I think she missed her calling as either a bacherlorette party planner or driving instructor.

Anyways we made it to Calistoga alive and had an awesome lunch at this place. This restaurant was at an actual resort which we decided we would stay at after we won the lottery. Totally not in our budget, but damn, it was gorgeous.

We walked around Calistoga a little bit and then went to a spa for bath treatments and massages. Erik went for the Volcanic Ash Bath and I chose a Lavender bath. These were done in a private bath-house for two. I am so immature that I can't say bath-house without giggling. And then we both got 60 minute massages.

I felt relaxed for the first time in weeks! This woman was really skillful and I felt great! Only thing is that she was a little small in stature with gigantic boobs. When she stood at the head of the table and went to rub down my upper back, well her boobs rested on my head. I opened my eyes in alarm and stared at the floor ,but the massage felt so good I quickly got over it.




Then I drove to Walnut Creek, where we met Auntie M., Uncle Chrissy and one of my several friends named Julie for dinner at Va de Vi. Excellent food and wine but towards the end we felt like we were being pushed out. For the amount of money I spent that day, they are lucky I didn't take off my pants and get really comfortable.



Weekend ended on a high note when Auntie M. calls the next day and asks if she can bring over a chicken enchilada casserole and if I can make a salad.............duh. Who would say no to that?!





I am not going to bore you with the details of my doctor's appointment, I am improving that's all.



I will also not give you all the details of my firstborn's horrible week at school. I will ramble on about that on my private blog. Just in case he does decide to run for president someday, I don't want people to not vote for him because they read on this blog that he was a complete spazz in Kindergarten.




And as of yesterday, all of us are vaccinated for the swine flu! I haven't felt this safe since Erik got his vasectomy. I feel like going out and licking shopping carts!!



H1N1 still struck close to home though, one of Erik's coworkers got it and now Erik is on call all weekend. Leaving me to do the solo mom thing. In fact I am writing this from our gym. I worked out, got to shower by myself, and am now enjoying the free WiFi. I have 15 minutes left before their time is up in the daycare. And roughly 3 hours before I can start drinking.

Thankfully I have a Raiders game to look forward to tomorrow. Raiderrrrrrrz! Hopefully Erik won't be too tired. Knock on wood is on call isn't too crazy tonight and that he can whip through his rounds in the morning. I am not a huge Raiders, or even a football fan, but nobody goes to a Raiders game to watch football. Oakland Raiders' games are all about beer, nachos, and fistfights. Raiders fans will even fight with each other. I have never been to a game where I didn't see somebody being led away in handcuffs. I went and saw the Raiders and a football game broke out. I crack myself up. Seriously, that's why I don't bring my kids! It's just going to be Erik and myself. My oldest would love to go but I told him he has to wait for his 18th birthday.

After we take BART home from the game then we will take the whole family to Auntie M. and Uncle Chrissy's house, for Uncle Chrissy's birthday party.

Our beloved Dr. Pants is in town with his wife from Madison, Wisconsin. We will see them Monday or Tuesday. Dr. Pants (nickname from his womanizing days) now has a P.h.d. to add to his M.D. I believe his area of expertise is Addiction medicine (wiping away tears of laughter and irony) One of these days he will actually finish school and get a real job. Just kidding! I LOVE his wife, a very cool, laid back chick and a real estate agent. Only bummer isthat they are not bringing their kids!! I understand they need a vacation but I wanted our kids to hang out. Maybe next time.

And next week is Halloween!!

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Blog

So it's final, I need to stop talking about my colon. I had a normal bowel movement and I told my husband and he said, "OMG, are you going to blog about it? Take a picture and put it on Facebook? Are you going to tweet about it? Oh wait don't forget to upload that picture to twitpic.com!". I stood there with my jaw hanging and realized it's time to move on.



And my husband is a mother fucking smart ass.



But first, final shout outs to cool chicas taking care of me and my family.

Valerie= Super yummy casserole and those cookies were orgasmic! Seriously like fist-fight over the last one! And she is so sweet she brought me a mini-pumpkin and Halloween stickers, for me! Do you have one of those friends that are just pretty? I mean I can find beauty in anything but she is just so pretty. She's little with big hair and big eyes, and funny and smart.



Yvette G.= Off the hook chicken pot pie! I will get this recipe to you because you will lick the tin pie pan. And I have to say that the first week I was out of the hospital I could not handle extra monkeys around here, I was not too emotionally stable. But my dear friends who have showed up in the last week, I welcomed bringing their brood into my house. My kids are now more social after recovering from my absence so they welcome their monkey friends with open arms.



Debbie L. = Brought over like 5 days worth of food! And she works full-time! I love this chick because she is just who she is and that's it. I don't think I have ever met someone more secure in their own skin. And you know what's trippy? Her and her husband didn't want kids. And then one day her husband changed his mind and she was cool with it and they had the most perfect son. And I met her when she joined my old Mom's Club that I accidentally blew up.



Jen G.= I have known this chick forever. Our kids have been in the same playgroup since they were 6 months old. Her daughter, and the other baby girls, were all sitting up while the boys were rolling around drooling. Also she is an amazing cook!!! And I was so glad she brought her monkeys into play, even though she witnessed Michael beating the crap out of Bekah in a random moment of violence.



Chicken Pot Pie
Prep: 40 min;
Bake: 35 min
Make putting this all-time favorite together a snap by purchasing a ready-to-use pie crust.

1 (10-ounce) package frozen peas and carrots
1/3 cup butter or stick margarine
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup chopped onions
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 3/4 cups chicken broth - I use homemade stock
2/3 cup milk
2 1/2 to 3 cups cut-up cooked chicken or turkey - Rotisserie from Costco or Safeway

Pastry for 9-inch Two-Crust Pie (see recipe) - Pillsbury Pie Crust from refrigerated aisle

1. Rinse frozen peas and carrots in cold water to separate; drain.
2. Melt butter in 2-quart saucepan over medium heat. Stir in flour, onion, salt and pepper. Cook, stirring constantly, until mixture is bubbly; remove from heat. Stir in broth and milk. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir 1 minute. Stir in chicken and peas and carrots; remove from heat.
3. Heat oven to 425°.
4. Make pastry. Roll two-thirds of the pastry into 13-inch square. Ease into ungreased square pan, 9 ¥ 9 ¥ 2 inches. Pour chicken mixture into pastry-lined pan.
5. Roll remaining pastry into 11-inch square. Cut out designs with 1-inch cookie cutter. Place square over chicken mixture. Arrange cutouts on pastry.(Yvette made a heart on mine!) Turn edges of pastry under and flute.

* I use a standard pie plate.
6. Bake about 35 minutes or until golden brown.

NUTRITION FACTS: 1 Serving (about 1 cup):; Calories 685 (Calories from Fat 425); Fat 47g (Saturated 16g); Cholesterol 80mg; Sodium 1,050mg; Carbohydrate 44g (Dietary Fiber 3g); Protein 24g % DAILY VALUE:; Vitamin A 48%; Vitamin C 4%; Calcium 6%; Iron 20% DIET EXCHANGES:; 2 Starch; 2 Medium-Fat Meat; 3 Vegetable; 6 Fat My best friends and I have been making this recipe since college. I think it originally came out of a Betty Crocker cookbook.

I still can't hit the gym until my blood pressure is under control which won't happen until I am the Prednisone (evil steroid). So I decided to take advantage of my IV/liquid diet weight loss by scheduling professional family photos. Which means I have spent the last 5 days obsessively looking for the perfect outfits for my family to wear. And pick a location where there is no running water because there is no way in Hell Jake will pose for pictures with any water, anywhere. Even Michael would be too distracted. We are using Melinda Bunker. A N.E.O. Mom of course and a phenomenal photographer.

If you are a reader of this blog who lives closer to the San Jose area I have another N.E.O. Mom photographer to reccommend to you. In high school I knew her as Patti and she once called me, "A walking social disease", but I forgive her because that's a pretty funny line and I was a mess. Now she is professionally known as Patricia Martin Photography. The pictures of the newborns on her website make Anne Geddes look like she works at Sears Portraits.

Ok wow I serioulsy need to get off this couch and get my ass in gear. That laundry isn't going to fold itself. But before I lurch out of here I did pin Saint Sarah down to babysit the kids so Erik and I can celebrate our 6 year anniversary appropriately. I nailed her down for a whole Saturday. So maybe a couples massage and a dinner and a movie. Or maybe a hotel room and some hookers and crack like the good ol' days before we had kids. Any ideas?