Saturday, April 11, 2009

Has This Ever Happened To You?

Let me know if I am alone in this experience. Kids are bathed and it's storytime. I slip into some lingerie under a boring robe to let my husband know he is going to get lucky. Even better is the see-through negligee I put on is too big! I have lost so much weight even the string on the G is hanging. Don't worry I am not sick, I am a healthy 140 and a 36 D, I am not skipping meals.

We rush through some Dr. Seuss, fill up some sippy cups, rub some backs and turn out the lights.

20 minutes later I am on my back, each hand is clutching some freshly laundered sheets, my heels are dug in, my pelvis tilted and my eyes are ready to go double cherries and roll over and over like a slot machine. I am not exaggerating, I am seconds away from why I have 3 kids in the first place. And then screeeech, the brakes slam. An offspring is malingering at my bedroom door.

"Mom, it's me." This is done in a huge stage whisper.

"Mom, what are you doing?". Also hissed through the keyhole in my bedroom door. Why don't they ever ask for Daddy?

And I am so far gone, I actually think for a second that I can tune this voice out. I can go to a faraway place in my head and achieve my goal.

"Mom, it's me Michael." Really? Because I thought it was Brad Pitt coming to do back-up.

At this point 2 things go through my head: G-d hates me and if I was a man this would not phase me.

So instead I answer this voice.

"Go to bed", I hiss.

"NOW!", I growl, something like a werewolf.

"Mom?"

Ok that's it. I shove away source of pleasure, trying not to poke him in the eye, I levitate off the bed and fly towards locked bedroom door. At this point the gremlin has realized pain is coming his way and he starts to hustle off down the hallway. He's fast and he is through his bedroom door before I can get into the hallway. I am naked and enraged.

"Head on pillow, NOW!"

"ok.".

"Good-night!!!"

"good-night, I love you."

"sigh........I love you too, do not get out of this bed for anything got it?"

"yes".

Back to my bedroom and thankfully we were able to pick back up the thread. And then some.

Woo hoo!

8 comments:

Barbara said...

LOL Hasn't happened to me just yet but I am sure it is coming. Pun not intended. Glad the night was salvagable, and congrats on swimming in your old lingerie!

Sarah said...

A similar event is the reason we now have a lock on our bedroom door!

Charlotte said...

That's right Barb, it's coming!

Sarah, thankfully the door was locked as I am sure he would be traumatized for life!

Mama Ashley said...

LOL! A simmilar evenet happened yesterday afternoon. And I hardly ever get a nooner!

Charlotte said...

A nooner?! You are brave!

juls_dilly said...

Yes, this has happened to me and ironically, I think I said the same things ("head on pillow, NOW!") to mine, word-for-word. Worse, though, for me, is the baby waking and having to stop to nurse him half way through. That makes it really weird. I wish I had the feeling of a G-string being to big on me though. Jealous, but proud of you!

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

Naw, didn't happen to me...BUT when MK and I had the kids on vacation at the beach I did get caught naked on my way to the toilet. My youngest son had his first naked woman experience as me.
Hell, I don't know what any of this means. At least sex may or may not be uncomfortable regardless of sexuality, and just a myraid of other crap too.

Charlotte said...

Oh yes stopping to nurse does feel kind of creepy, I remember having to do that. I am glad I lost weight but that was some cute lingerie and I can't imagine just buying a new set like that just because......you know what I mean?

I am thinking any kid, interrupting any parental set, during any sexual act, is uncomfortable, you are exactly right. My 4 year old and 3 year old remember me nursing their younger brother, so my body, to them is just another piece of furniture. Seeing me naked is no biggie, seeing their father do something to me while naked, would be potentially alarming.