Thursday, April 30, 2009

Must-Do List for San Francisco, California

In 2001, almost a year after my husband graduated from his residency, we decided to take a road trip around the United States. We had 2 months and a little Toyota Tacoma pick-up truck with a camper shell.

Occasionally we stopped in a bar at night to visit with the locals. And so often we would discover that the people that had lived in that particular area their whole lives had never been to the landmark we had just seen that day. We were at first shocked but then after talking about it Erik and I realized we had never been to Alcatraz!

Erik has lived in the bay area before he started elementary school and I am like a 6th generation Californian native. I have lived in the bay area my whole life and neither one of us have ever been to one of San Francisco's biggest landmarks. So last year Erik and I took care of that problem, and had a great time.

I am telling you this anecdote because my friend Barb sent me a list of Must-Do/See for San Francisco. Embarrassingly enough I haven't done a lot of these, so I need to get to work. I couldn't resist some commentary.

Eat a hot fudge sundae at the St. Francis Fountain, open since 1918 on lower 24th Street in the Mission District.

Stick a penny into "Susie the Can-Can Dancer" at the Musee Mecanique.

Watch jet planes roar over San Francisco Bay during Fleet Week.

Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.

Build a sandcastle at Baker Beach.

Rent a rowboat at Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park.

Step inside Mission Dolores, the oldest intact building in SanFrancisco.

The neighboring Cemetery is the final resting place for numerous Ohlone, Miwok, and other First Californians. (I did not know that, very cool)

Play in the water at Julius Kahn Playground in Presidio Heights.

Take the Alcatraz tour. (I finally did that)

Pick out a pastry at La Victoria Mexican Bakery on lower 24th Street in the Mission District. (Mexican pastries are too hard)

Fly a kite at Crissy Field. (Kites don't like me)

Hike the Coastal Trail where some of the most intact natural habitat in the Presidio harbors rare plants. (Done that)

Visit North Beach's Washington Square in the early morning and watch the groups practicing Tai Chi. (I can see that at my gym)

Enjoy a picnic at Dolores Park. (And pick up a used hypodermic needle)

Ride bikes along the one-mile Lover's Lane in the Presidio. U.S. soldiers once used the trail to visit their lovers in the city. (Soldiers or sailors?)

Look for the wild parrots on Telegraph Hill. (Seen those)

Wade in the Bay at Crissy Field Beach.

Visit the kittens and puppies at the SFSPCA. (No way! I would come home with some.)

Check out books from the Children's Center at the Main Library. (And not return them.)

Slurp up a bowl of pho (Vietnamese noodle soup) at Turtle Tower in theTenderloin. (Yummy!)

Gaze at the Foucault Pendulum until it knocks over a pin at the Academy of Sciences.

Step inside City Hall and stand under the dome, which is the tallest in the United States, 42 inches higher than the one in the nation'scapital in D.C. Look up and scream "Wow!" (Scream?)

Take a walk down the Mission District's Balmy Alley, the most concentrated collection of murals in the city.

Look for turtles in the pond at the San Francisco Botanical Garden. ( I love that place)

Climb over the moon bridge in the Japanese Tea Garden.

Attend a sing-along movie at the Castro Theater. Sound of Music always plays over the Thanksgiving holiday; other favorites include Mary Poppins and Mamma Mia. (Of course)

Shop for vegetables in Chinatown and use them to make a stir-fry at home.(If you like melamine)

Ride the cable cars all the way from Union Square to Fisherman's Wharf.(very cool)

Walk the one-block stretch of Lombard that twists and turns between Hyde and Leavenworth.

Zip down the slides, climb up the rope structure, and swing across the
monkey bars at Golden Gate Park's Children's Quarter, originally built in 1887 and recognized as our nation's first-ever public playground. (I didn't know that either. Bring your kids or you will look like a child molester)

Attend the Meet the Animals presentation put on at the Randall Museum every Saturday at 11:15 a.m. Pet a snake, feed a turtle, feel a rabbit's soft coat.

Explore Cayuga Park in the Excelsior. Gardener Demitrio Braceros has transformed this spot right next to the Bart tracks into a wonderland with winding paths lined with wooden sculptures and flowers.

Go out for dim sum. (My fave thing to do in S.F.)

Shop for art supplies at Flax on Market Street.

Lick an ice cream from Mitchell's in Noe Valley.

Drive to the top of Twin Peaks.

Fill up on blueberry pancakes at The Ramp's weekend brunch.

Stroll Ocean Beach in the early morning and look for sand dollars.

Buy chocolate malt balls at Miette in Hayes Valley.

Check out the Fire Department Museum where you can see an engine from 1810.

Spend your savings at Ambassador Toys in West Portal.

Order the Bullet Train children's meal at Mifune in Japantown. It comes with cold soba noodles and tempura served on a toy train.(Which I would eat while my kids play with the train)

Zip down the 25-foot tube slide at the Yerba Buena Gardens Play Circle.

Glide across the ice at the Yerba Buena Ice Skating Center.

Knock down some pins at Yerba Buena Bowling Center.

Ride the carousel at Golden Gate Park.

Watch the 4 p.m. giraffe feeding at the San Francisco Zoo.(And get eaten by a Tiger)

Hike the Land's End Trail, from the Cliff House to the Palace of the Legion of Honor. Looking down at the rocky shoreline, you can see the remains of three shipwrecks.

Grab a dozen donuts at Dynamo on lower 24th St. in the Mission District.

Ride to the top of the tower at the De Young Museum.

Check out the Presidio's Battery Chamberlin, the last six-inch"disappearing gun" of its type on the West Coast. On the first full weekend of each month, take part in demonstrations of the gun.
Visit Fort Point and attend the Cannon Loading Demonstration and learn how soldiers were taught to load and fire a Napoleon 12-pounder cannonduring a Civil War artillery drill. (Hee hee, my dear sister-in-law's own in-law's fire a homemade cannon on their ranch a few times a year. Way more entertaining to watch drunk men shoot bowling balls.)

Attend a Family Art Encounter on some Sundays at the Asian Art Museum. It's a drop-in class in which parents and kids create art related to the museum's collection.

Say hello to the sea lions at Pier 39. (Done that)

Catch a Giants game at AT&T Park.(Did that with my MIL and we had awesome box seats)

Ride a ferry to Angel Island State Park.

Volunteer at the San Francisco Food Bank.

Attend a service at Glide Memorial Church in the Tenderloin.

Marvel at the 100-year-old giant Imperial Philodendron inside the Conservatory of Flowers in Golden Gate Park.

Visit the Golden Gate Fortune Cookie Factory in Chinatown.

Chow down on pizza at Giorgio's in the Inner Richmond.

Watch the trains circle round the tracks maintained by the Golden Gate Model Railroad Club in the basement of the Randall Museum. Saturdays only.

Suck on a fruity popsicle from Bi-Rite Creamery in the Mission District.

Step aboard the Balclutha at the Hyde Street Pier. The 1886 three-masted ship once transported cargo between California and theBritish Isles via Cape Horn.

Tour the Cable Car Museum.

Create gigantic bubbles at the Exploratorium.( I highly reccomend this)

Visit Coit Tower--and ride the elevator that takes you to the top of the 210-foot tower in the elevator.

Watch the break-dancers at the Powell Street Cable Car turn-table.(Michael loved that)

Listen to the ocean's song at the Wave Organ, just east of the yacht club on Bay Street. When the waves crash over sculpture of PVC pipes sound is created.

Watch the remote-control model boats sail around Spreckels Lake in Golden Gate Park.

Walk by the Painted Ladies, a row of elaborately painted Victorians facing Alamo Square Park on Steiner Street. Afterward, play in the park.

Catch one of the free summer performances at Stern Grove.

Read inspiring words from Martin Luther King Jr. behind the cascading fountain at Yerba Buena Gardens.

Attend a family concert at the San Francisco Symphony.

See a Concord Coach used by Wells Fargo in the 1860s at the WellsFargo History Museum on Montgomery.

View the Diego Rivera mural, "Making a Fresco," at the San Francisco Art Institute on Russian Hill.(Done that)

Order an ice cream cone at the first-ever Swensen's on Russian Hill.(Done that)

Take a docent-led tour of the Haas-Lilienthal House, the city's only Victorian house museum.

Zoom down the Winfield Street Slide on a piece of cardboard, nestled away amongst the trees and curvy hills of Bernal Heights.

View the collection of works by El Greco, Rubens, Rembrandt, Monet, Matisse, and Picasso at the Legion of Honor.

Savor scones spread with clotted cream and finger sandwiches at Lovejoy's Tea Room in Noe Valley.

Explore Justin Herman Plaza's Vaillancourt Fountain with walkways that allow you to walk over, under and through its waterfalls.

Chow down on a burger and fries at one of the city's old-fashioned Mel's diners.

Kayak along the waterfront.(Sure I will get right on that)

Go for a hike and watch the hang-gliders at Fort Funston.

Sit on the dock of the bay at India Basin Shoreline Park in Hunter'sPoint, known for its sun, birds, stunning views, and fishing dock.

Take the ferry to Sausalito.

Pay your respects to artist Keith Haring's "Three Dancing Figures"--an abstract sculpture featuring brightly colored figures with their arms and legs intertwined- -at Moscone Center between Howard and Third.

Eat a burrito at La Taqueria on Mission Street.( Oh Hell yes. )

That is a perfect note to end on.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

100th Post

Happenstance. Obama's first 100 days coincide with my first 100 posts on this blog. My last 100 days have certainly been better than my boyfriend's, I mean Obama.

1. The economy, basically the 2nd Depression.

2. Pirates.

3. North Korea

4. Iraq

5. Afghanistan

6. Swine Flu

7. Mexican Drug Lords (WTF is up with Mexico lately? I always thought of Mexico as our friendly neighbors over the backyard fence.)

8. Rush Limbaugh.

I am tired and drawing a blank on the other shenanigans that have gone on in his first 100 days. I am sure I can think of more if I put my mind to it.

In the spirit of the last 100 days/posts I am going to re-print my 1st post for this blog.

"I started this new blog because I feel responsible for blowing up my mom's club. Now it's cleaving into 2 groups and I am a member of neither! Me and my big mouth. The story is long and complicated, but funny in a squirmy-I-am-so-glad-I-am-not-her kind of way. I will get to that later.

When bitching and moaning about the fact that the newer members of my old mom's club were rather stodgy, I got so many emails and calls from friends in and out of that particular mom's club telling me that judgemental, prudish women were common! Really? And then I had to defend my old mom's club, saying, "Oh no we used to be really cool and mellow we just got too big. And then some conservative chicks joined and it went downhill.".

But alot of mom's were adamant that the majority of women in any mom's club are stuck-up, prudish and just plain mean. How sad. So 2 friends of mine started an informal group of moms and asked me to be an honorary "leader" since I am the one who started the need for a group of moms that aren't uptight. I also started this blog because I wanted a place where I could share stories, thoughts and activities of moms who don't get their panties in a bunch over nothing! So that's why I started this blog.

So let's see how this pans out."

Go back to 2008 if you wanna know how all of this started.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Weekly < 30 minute Recipe #15

OK I am going to continue to plagirize myself. I wrote an email a year ago to my old mom's club, before I blew it up, that was all about easy grilling recipes. My goals are: easy, fast, and healthy.

Grilled Mexican Chicken
1 cup favorite salsa
3 Tbs. apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup or less chopped cilantro
4 palm size chicken breasts
desired amount of lettuce

Stir salsa, cilantro and vinegar together. Reserve 1/2 cup for later. Pour other 1/2 cup over chicken breasts. Marinate for 2 hours or not. Pre-heat grill to med-high heat. Discard marinade so you don't die. Grill breasts 3-5 minutes per side. Slice against grain and serve over lettuce with remaining sauce. Per serving= 4 Points! Add some cheese or chips if you can have more points. Drink a beer with lime. A lite Mex. beer with lime is 2 points. Happy Cinco De Mayo.

Weekly < 30 minute Recipe #14

So last year I started reading this blog that had a brand new crock-pot recipe everyday! And I thought, "Hey I can do something like that but every day is too much so I will post one recipe a week. And I will have pictures too!". Uh, no. Once again I am behind so I owe you 2 recipes this week. I did get around to posting a pic of chocolate covered strawberries though if you want to check that out.

Let me tell you that food photography is almost as hard as taking pictures of children. I would take a picture and look at it and think, "Ewww look at that stain on my counter.". So I would wipe that up and take another picture, "Oh shit I left that knife laying in the background.". So I put the knife in the sink and take another picture, "Uh, if somebody showed me this picture it would not make me hungry.". So I try a different angle, etc. etc.

Anyways, my awesome friend Barb sent me a list of grilling recipes that I typed up and emailed a year ago! And forgot about! So now I can plagiarize myself and just figure out the Weight Watchers points.

So this is what I do all summer. I marinate some meat during nap time (or not) and then after nap time I drink beer (or iced tea) while monkeys play in the yard with the hose and then I grill meat while supervising them. Then I cut the meat in slices and serve over lettuce. Simple. Kids get to play, I get to cook, husband gets to eat, it's a win-win.

Grilled Mediterranean Chicken

Work with me on this one. It requires mixing salsa and spaghetti sauce, I know that sounds weird but I am not asking you to add raisins or anything so just trust me.

1/2 cup salsa, ( I am using Ortega thick and chunky salsa to obtain points, but most salsas are the same)
1/2 cup jarred spaghetti sauce ( I am using Bertolli Marinara because it does not give me garlic burps, a 1/2 cup is 2 points and not all jar sauces are the same so check your label)
4 palm size chick breasts
desired amount of lettuce

Mix salsa and spaghetti sauce in bowl scoop out a 1/2 cup of mixed sauces and reserve for later. Pour other 1/2 cup over breasts and turn to coat, you can marinate for 2 hours or not. Set aside and pre-heat grill to med-high (work fast to make this under 30 minutes). Grill each breast 3-5 minutes per side.(discard marinade so you don't die) Slice on the grain and serve over desired lettuce with remaining sauce. You can have sauce chilled, room temp., or warmed up. If you have time add chopped Basil leaves and lemon slices on side.

Ooops I published this without points, so here we go again. 1 serving of breast with sauce on top of lettuce is 4 points!! That's really low. You can have some wine, beer or even pasta or rice.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Pic of Chocolate Covered Strawberries

Hey I actually got around to posting a picture for one of my recipes. Those cooking blogs make food photography seem so easy, it's not!!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Beauty Goals Spring/Summer 2009

Ok so yesterday I was reading my friend Clare's blog and she was like hey take a pic of yourself and post it on your blog and we shall call it photo tag. So I did and then I looked at the picture and said, "Oh my fucking G-d! I look like shit!". So at first I refused to post it to my blog and play photo tag. But then I slept on it and started thinking, "That super hideous pic of you is a great way to get back on track with your diet and exercise plan, why don't you post your goals on your blog.".

So that's what I am going to do. I have a Chelsea Handler show to go to, a bridal shower, bacherlorette party and a wedding and my 20 year reunion is coming up in August. These are very important reasons to get myself back in shape. Below is the pic I am talking about. My roots are showing, you can plant corn in the rows in my forehead, my teeth need to be whitened and I have 8 chins. The only good thing about this pic is Jake peeking in the corner.

Below is a recent photo of me that I got compliments on, and you know why? Because you can't see my face!!! And I am grateful that I don't gain weight in my butt. All my weight goes right to my tummy, I am actually extremely jealous of my 4 year old's abs of steel. He is a mini Brad Pitt. I am a mini Michelin man.

This picture is from late last summer so I know I can lose the weight again. I can lose 10 pounds by August. Those are my brothers.

Maybe my husband will let me have a little shopping spree at Anthropologie, I love that store.

Allegedly these are the colors of eyeshadow that are supposed to look good on brown eyes. I shouldn't be wearing the same eyeshadow that I was in 1989 right?

I am sick of parting my hair on the side and it's cut for that right now so I want a new cut with layers for a middle part. My hair is too curly for bangs so I will just have to hide the forehead with make up. Below are a couple of pictures of hairstyles I think I can pull off.
Too bad I can't combine a Halle Berry hairstyle with a smoking hot Halle Berry body. Remember Monsters Ball? I was watching that movie with my husband and he blurts out, "You know they tried to dress her down in this movie but she's got a body that just won't quit!". It was a random comment but I couldn't disagree with him.

Now I know what you are thinking both of these pictures are of black women and I am a white girl. Well go look at those 3 pictures of me above. Did you notice that I don't have white girl hair? True I am so pale that if you lift my shirt you can watch me digest my food, but my hair is as kinky as Rick James. My Grandma said it's because there is a strain of Black-Irish blood that runs in our family and skips generations, and that's why amongst the blondes and blue and hazel eyes somebody like me shows up. My Grandma also told me when I was a pre-teen that she wouldn't disown me if I married a black guy but she doesn't understand why I would want to because "....they always get in knife fights.". So I think that Black-Irish thing is to make her feel better.
Whoa! Don't call my Grandma a bigot! Come on, she is old. And she is over it. I converted to Judaism and married a Jew and my Grandmother walked in my wedding, so cut her some slack. I personally don't care where my hair comes from as long as Bumble and Bumble Curl Conscious Creme remains an available hair product.

I also need to whiten my teeth. Did you know that beer drinking stains your teeth as much as coffee?! That explains A LOT!
Wish me luck.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

California Academy of Sciences

While my brother Bill was visiting last week we took a field trip the California Academy of Sciences.

We had a blast but we didn't see the whole museum because it's sooo big and there is no way my kids' would have lasted. But it was ok because kids aged 6 and under are free. This is Jake running around the living roof with a Fig Newton.

Here is a better picture of the living roof.

Here is a not very flattering picture of my Dad and Step-mom, it was windy up there.

San Francisco is one of the most beautiful cities in the world even if it's foggy all of the time.

Pretty blue butterfly. There is a rainforest section that gives you really frizzy hair.

Giant brown and yellow butterfly. Bekah talked to all of the butterflies she encountered.

Underneath the aquarium.

Rare White Alligator, this is what my nightmares are made of, especially if he hisses.

Thanks mom we love field trips!

See what the rainforest did to Bekah's hair?

Jake passed out almost before we left the parking garage, he was exhausted.

My Brother Bill's Visit, The Details

Because I know you can't sleep at night until you know how the visit with my brother went. Bill just got back from Iraq and drove up here from San Diego with his beautiful wife Ari.

My oldest, Michael, loves Uncle Bill, but Bekah is all about Aunt Ari.

That's the living roof at The California Academy of Sciences. We had a field trip there last Thursday. My Dad and awesome step-mom came along as well. My poor husband had to work though. That's what happens when you own your own business. We did see the guy who gave my husband a vasectomy, his wife, and all 4 of their kids. That's what happens when you are an urologist and your wife is a dentist. You get to take all 4 of your kids to the a museum on a Thursday. I am not bitter, I just wish my husband could have been there.

Aunt Ari loves me even if I take off my pants and scratch my mother's face hard enough to draw blood.

Jake gets jealous if I show attention to anyone but him. Did I mention that he scratched my face hard enough to draw blood? Little a-hole. We were having lunch at the museum and he decided to throw a classic 2 year old tantrum. Don't worry my tetanus is up to date.

Bill asked Michael to help carry his back-pack out to his car. Michael said, "No, because that means you will be leaving faster.". When Bill and Ari drove away Michael turned to me and said, "I'm sad.". I hugged him and said, " I am too.".

Swine Flu

Have you read/heard about this Swine Flu? Click on Swine Flu to go to the most recent info I have found about it, at 9:40a Saturday April 25th. Just gotta love that word pandemic.

I am not a germ phobic person but........when you have 3 toddlers living in your home......... Well we all know that preschoolers get sick often because of their notoriously poor hygiene and mouthing everything (both my sons still stick everything in their mouths). And to top it off my oldest, Michael, woke up with a 102 degree fever this morning.

Also my dear husband is on-call for the hospital this weekend, so he is just waiting for the phone calls from the citizens of San Ramon wondering if they have Swine Flu. When the Anthrax incidents were happening after 9/11 he got a ridiculous amount of phone calls from people thinking they had been exposed to Anthrax. Even though none of them had been exposed to any white powders and had no symptoms at all. The difference with this Swine Flu is that the symptoms are exactly like the seasonal flu. Below is from the CDC (Center for Disease Control) website:

What are the symptoms of swine flu in humans?The symptoms of swine flu in people are expected to be similar to the symptoms of regular human seasonal influenza and include fever, lethargy, lack of appetite and coughing. Some people with swine flu also have reported runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.

Have a nice weekend.

Friday, April 24, 2009

My Brother's Commentary on What Women Wish For

My brother Bill, pictured above, found a list of, "...things women wish men knew." and he decided to add his own commentary. It's hilarious but I still had to edit some of it because it did get pretty nasty. My brother's comments are the one's labeled "dude".

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
Dude. Take what you can fucking get, if I'm saying it, it counts, unless I'm lying to you, which is gonna be a lot if you keep saying stupid shit like that.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
Dude. Just when the fuck did you become an expert on real men? You cry
during Grey's anatomy and sit when peeing, I don't give a fuck if Idrive a dumptruck and park it on your lawn or a vespa and do race tracks in your driveway, I am the judge of what a real man is, and while were on that subject your brother is a putz.
3. I will leave if you lie.
Dude. Pack your shit.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
Dude. I am never cute and never describe me as such. And what the fuck,….make up your mind do you want to date a real man or a twelve year old from some perverse little league.
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
Dude. I mean honestly, what the fuck do I even say to that, keep that shit to yourself.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
Dude. I love it when you blow me after the Chargers lose.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
Dude. Remember after we spent the holidays at your mom's house and you asked me that question and I said you looked plump? Cuz I remember,the neighbors remember, I think the goddamn dog remembers. You are wrong, Fine is a wholly appropriate response.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
Dude ummmm……. Yup ditto here.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
Dude see answer to question # 3
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
Dude. When did I email you?
11. I expect you to call me.
D. You also expect me to be nice to your alcoholic father and your enabling neurotic mother, I won't even go into your dipshit borrowing money putz brother, so calling you is the least of my worries but thanks for bringing it up.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
Dude. You can tell me what to wear at our wedding and any funerals I attend. Short of that just compliment me on my daring sense of style and be happy I deal with your shit.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
Dude. You go to the pisser in pre-planned groups, and the only independent chick in history I can think of was Amelia Aerhart and you see where that got her.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
Dude. You're not Katie Holmes and I'm not a Scientoligist so let's pull the reality train over and get you a ticket.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
Dude. I aint got no problem tongue whipping the Ham wallet but I would rather whack off with a hand full of broken glass then ever go shoe shopping with you again.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
Dude. Check, I will ignore you by going to Déjà vu (strip club in San Diego) until you are feeling more into it.
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm . . . a.) . . . having a fat day. b.) . . . not feeling "connected" to you. c.) . . . blackmailing you to get something I want.
Dude. You are using sex to get something you want they have a name for that and that name is whore.
19. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
Dude. Unless by nothing you mean G'day Mate.
20. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
Dude So you have a secret sexual fantasy about the Unabomber, JesusChrist what else.
21. You should never tell me what to do.
Dude. If I didn't tell you what to do you would be sitting in your room late for work in your underwear trying to figure out how to use the goddamn alarm clock.
22. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
Dude This is the least crazy thing you have said all day.
23. . I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
Dude. I hold your hand because if I didn't you would walk straight into oncoming traffic and fucking die, that is a semi truck, the guy driving it is on crack, he will kill you, wake up.
24. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
Dude. Sssshhh be quiet there about to say the score on the Chargers game.
25. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
Dude. If I truly fuck up I will get you flowers, if the surf was really good though I will probably just get them from the grocery store.
26. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you—and for you
to recognize this.
Dude. When I first moved to Hawaii I bought a 69 ford econoline van for 300 hundred dollars, it was awesome it could fit ten surfboards, had three on the tree and a max speed of 60 mph downhill in neutral, I can honestly say it was the greatest vehicle purchase of my life. Wait what was the question again.
27. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking.
Dude. you get like this for four days every month call me I'll be atDéjà vu again.
28. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don'tknow yourself.
Dude. O fucking kay this is what I want you to do, write down exactly what you just said and then read it out loud to yourself. If that does not sound like absolute gibberish I will let you buy me one complete getup from urban outfitters.
29. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months,earns major bonus points.
Dude. Not going to Thailand on a cocaine fueled hooker binge should earn me major bonus points, and by the way I have no idea when my own birthday is let alone anniversaries you should probably get me a calendar.
30. I love it when you're sweaty.
Dude. But you don't like it when I have body odor, you are a fucking walking contradiction.
31. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
Dude. Fair enough.
32. I like porn.
D. You like passionate late night cinemax porn. I like Max Hardcore porn, there is a colossal difference.
33. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
Dude. Strange enough that is where I keep my wallet.
34. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
Dude. I talked dirty to you and I thought you were gonna call the cops,you talked dirty to me and I couldn't stop laughing, how about we just watch that Max Hardcore I was talking about earlier.
35. I remember everything about our relationship.
Dude. All in all I'll give you that one.
36.You should know all this and more without my telling you.
Dude. You just had to end on a crazy note.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Black Crowes - Rainy day Women

For the reason that I am putting this video on my blog, see below post. It's a 4/20 thing.

So I did not realize that the Black Crowes ever did a cover of this song. And then I watch this whole video and I am laughing my ass off. It's a concert in Moscow and Russians are effing crazy!! There may even be a goat in the audience.

Ben Harper "Burn One Down"

What's the date today? Gosh how could I not be cognizant of that?!! I live in the S.F. bay area and you could not avoid your knowledge of the Gregorian calendar today. It's 4:20, 4/20, 4-20, April 20th 2009.

If you don't know what that means then skip this post. If you do know what that means, and live in the bay area, then is it just me or do you feel like today is a National holiday?! I feel like I should buy my husband a card, a bouquet of balloons and maybe a box of candy..............or a baggie of something.

Well Happy 4/20 to you all. By the time we have grandkids this will be a Federal Holiday.

My Brother is coming to visit this Tuesday #2

Have I told you how excited my little brother Billy is coming to visit this Tuesday?

Brother is coming to visit on Tuesday #1

So if you have been reading this blog recently you should know by now that my brother is coming to visit. Bill just got back from Iraq and I am super happy to see him! Here he is pictured with our Dad and my oldest son Michael. Michael and Bill are clones. We call Michael a future Navy Seal because that is what Bill does and Mike seems just as crazy about the water as Bill. And as crazy as Bill in general.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Weekly < 30 minute Recipe #13

I am giving you the recipe for the easiest and best (healthwise) dessert ever! Chocolate-Covered Strawberries!!! People always get so intimidated by chocolate-covered strawberries that they don't even try to attempt them. They look so pretty sitting on a platter, all red and plump, covered with silky chocolate and a perky little green stem sticking out of the top. Just begging to be eaten. They must be hard to make right? Because nothing good in life is easy right? Usually that's true except for chocolate-covered strawberries.

People want to make them extremely difficult too, so if you look up a recipe it's going to call for a double boiler, 2 kinds of chocolate wafers, maybe even some butter. That is ridiculous!! Guess what I use? Strawberries, chocolate chips, microwave and wax paper. Does that sound difficult?

And the best part.............1 point each!

Chocolate-Covered Strawberries
12 large strawberries

Nestle semi-sweet chocolate chips
some paper towels
wax paper
a bowl

Rinse and COMPLETELY dry the strawberries. Line pretty platter with wax paper (or put wax paper on your kitchen counter, who cares?) Pour 1/4 to 1/2 the bag of chocolate chips into bowl and microwave for 45 seconds. Stir nuke some more if not melted. Don't let it turn into lava though. Once it's melted, grab strawberry and swirl into melted chocolate leaving enough space under stem so that when you pick them up you don't get chocolate under your fingernails. Lay them on wax paper. Repeat process with all strawberries and you may need to re-melt chocolate as it sets up, add more chips if you need to. Put in fridge until they are set, which is like 10 minutes. Lightly top with plastic wrap if you are not going to eat them right away so they don't take on the flavor of your fridge.

1 point per strawberry, Yummy!!!

Favorite Facebook Status Updates

I love Crackbook, I mean Facebook. My favorite thing is when friends scan in old photos from high school, which is both hilarious, and frightening when I think that someday I will have teenagers too.

My second favorite thing about Facebook is the status updates. Those can be so informative and often hilarious. If you don't know what that is, uhm, let me try to explain. It's just a box on a website, called Facebook, that has your name, "Phil McCracken is...." and then you fill in the rest. For example "Phil McCracken is going to go see his friend Ben Dover and his Vietnamese wife Phuk U Dover.". I really can't explain it anymore simply than that.

Reading all of your friends' comments on your status update can also be enjoyable, and you never know where it's going to lead. Sometimes I actually try to be really witty and then I get no comments from my friends. One time I just wrote in my status that I was going to go make an egg salad sandwich. I had a ton of comments from my friends whether egg salad was yummy, stinky, etc. WTF? Recently my friend Mickie was contemplating whether she is the only person in America who will wait in line at McDonald's just to get a giant Diet Coke. Well, she certainly is not, because she had like 30 comments from friends agreeing with her ,or debating the best place to get a fountain drink. Wow, I never knew.

So below are some of my favorite status updates from Facebook:

These are from me:

Charlotte is going to get up and clean and do laundry right now. No really, I mean right now, no really, here I go, no really watch out, I am on fire, here I come laundry, dishes I am coming for you, vacuum get ready, ok no really here I come. I mean it this time, here I come, ok no really, I am ready now

Charlotte wants to know what it means when your 2 year old drags his face on the carpet while crawling. Mike did this too but not Bekah. How come I have weird sons?

Charlotte 's 2 year old is mad at a chair, 3 year old is naked, 4 year old is picking his nose.

Charlotte likes to click her mouse with one hand and her remote with the other, it feels bi-lingual.

Charlotte wants to know what people did before coffee.

These are from friends who shall remain nameless, but crack me up:

J. being locked out of the houes started the day, but the highlight was the tantrum in the doorway of his preschool because mommy (gasp) asked him to carry his own art project to the car because she was already juggling his lunch box, bag of peed on clothing, coat, and a sick, goopy baby all with, yes, just two hands. Cut me some slack, Kid!

K is your private dancer, dancer for money, do what you want me to do. (OK this status update was made by a man and look at all the comments that followed, they were made by women)



K. (the original author)
can I still wear the high heels?

If you can wash baby clothes you can wear and listen to whatever you feel like. I don't feel obliged to tell the neighbors why a cross-dressing Tina Turner impersonator is doing my laundry.

Only if the heels don't make you fall while you are doing dishes. I am not sure my homeowner's insurance covers that.

From a friend at Disneyland:

J. It's a small world after all... It's a small world after all... It's a small world after all... It's a small, small world.

My friend Mickie's updates are either about doing amazing stuff with her kids, her dogs doing something gross or her love of reality t.v.:

Mickie just finished baking and decorating 160 cupcakes. Then I had to individually "glue" about 600 marshmallows on them to look like popcorn....the things we do for our kids.

From a pregnant friend:

M. is really wishing she could have a drink - this kid is driving me nutty

But seriously my brother Brandon is freaking hilarious! Every single status update he does is a riot and I will have to stop myself from putting them all here:

Brandon not only do i have a tweaker threat level 3 alert going on, but i have a gastrochick coworker getting up on my peanut butter AGAIN. the PIGGYBAT SAYS NO MORE

(he has strange colleagues)


Brandon is being assaulted by everyone else's chemical imbalances. take your pills please.

Brandon ok why are people protesting taxes all of a sudden NOW. doesn't it make sense that we are in the effect phase of the cause:effect relationship of a shitty government for the last 30 years.

Brandon just coined the phrase "blogged down cleverness" - now please help me figure out what i meant by that.

Brandon i'll be all throwing wild punches and crying and finally the crying would turn into sweating.

Brandon do you ever find yourself prejudiced against people from Gilroy?

But nothing will ever beat my friend J. Q.'s status. It was a Sunday night after a good weekend and J. wrote:

J. wishes he could play Uno with G-d and throw down a Reverse card so we can start the weekend all over again.

( I just love the visual of playing a card game with G-d, and the weekend is the stakes, and you win. Now that would be awesome.)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Mickie's Dog

I have a friend, Mickie, with a blog named Official Buttwiper. She just recently wrote the funniest post. Seriously...... I couldn't talk, or breathe, I had tears running down my face, it was out of control.

I have to warn you though it's graphic and you might be offended. Especially if dog boners offend you. At first I was a little grossed out but then the post really takes off and I was laughing my ass off.

I hope you enjoy her post!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Melissa Huckaby and Mothers with Mental Illness

As the community of Tracy gathers to mourn Sandra Cantu in a public memorial today, the bay area is still reeling from the twists and turns this tragic case has taken. The usual formula for a child abduction and murder, is some sick and twisted male sexual offender who nabs an innocent child, molests, murders and then dumps their destroyed body somewhere secluded.

That is not the case with the story of 8 year old Sandra Cantu. She was not abducted from her neighborhood by a male stranger, but by the mother of her 5 year old friend. This mother, 28 year old Melissa Huckaby, allegedly molested, and possibly raped with a foreign object, little Sandra. For this to be done by a woman, let alone a mother, is disturbing. This horrible act was done in a church, the same church where Melissa Huckaby taught Sunday School. Poor Sandra was stuffed into a suitcase, and then dumped only a few miles from her home in a shallow pond.

Then Melissa Huckaby makes a report to the police that her suitcase was stolen and sometime between her police report and her arrest she was hospitalized for attempting suicide. Melissa Huckaby swallowed 3 X-acto knife blades. Even her method of suicide is unusual. The majority of suicides by both men and women are by firearm, but the second most common method for women is poisoning. To inflict such pain upon yourself by swallowing razor blades, to me, denotes self-loathing and possibly severe guilt.

Only one in 10 sex crimes are committed by women, and now the Tracy police are having to investigate whether other children have been victims of Melissa Huckaby. As a trusted adult, a mother and a Sunday School teacher, she is the perfect front for a pedophile. What about her own daughter?

As a woman, and mother myself, I want to automatically label Melissa Huckaby as sick instead of evil. She must be suffering from mental illness. And this is no excuse for her behavior, please don't read me wrong. I just want a tangible explanation to hold onto when disturbing images of this case flicker through my head.

Something went tragically wrong with Melissa Huckaby, from when the below picture was taken, to the image of her mug shot.

Her daughter is 5 years old so we can't blame the hormones that cause postpartum psychosis. Unless there was another pregnancy or abortion not reported to the media. I used to work in an emergency psychiatric hospital in Stanislaus County, here in California. Less than an hour from the city of Tracy where both Sandra Cantu and her murderer lived so dangerously close to each other. The most frightening patient I ever encountered was a woman suffering from postpartum psychosis. Her infant daughter was only 3 weeks old and she had quickly deteriorated after coming home with her newborn. This woman was a blond, blue-eyed, third grade teacher. This patient had to be very closely monitored because the breast pump she used to keep herself lactating could be used by other patients to kill themselves. Lucky me, I got that task.

This was before I had kids of my own, so seeing an electric breast pump in action was a rather alarming experience in itself. But her frequent lapses in lucidity, and threats of violence to herself, and others, put all the staff on edge. We finally put her in a safe room to view her on a monitor with audio. She was free to move around this room and there was no way for her to harm herself or others, but we had to watch her regardless, and we were all so gentle with her.

This seemingly "normal" looking woman was ranting on and on, ".............Daddy, I am not your little girl anymore,.... now there is another little girl to take my place, ....don't you love me, what can I do to make you love me?.......". I finally could no longer handle it and asked my nurse supervisor if I could turn off the sound and just watch the monitor. My nurse looked at me and said, "Please do, she is scaring me to death.". Of all the violent and psychotic male and female patients I met she was the most disturbing.

Less than a week later the skilled nurses and physicians had convinced this woman to give up breastfeeding and take the medication she needed to get better. Within 10 days, she was a completely different woman. Bright-eyed, coherent, and ready to mother with help from her family. Thankfully her story had a happy ending.

What diagnosis, what treatment for Melissa Huckaby, could have helped Sandra Cantu still be alive? I am personally convinced there is a psychiatric diagnosis here to be had, which I don't think excuses her from criminal prosecution. The alleged location of the molest and murder, in a church, just smacks of delusional thinking. Often with the mentally ill, the goodness and beauty of spiritual rituals becomes way too ritualistic. The powers of good and evil become very black and white, the moral, historical teachings in the bible are too tempting for somebody suffering from delusions and magical thinking. All that sin, good, evil, power, forgiveness and damnation it's just too much for somebody barely holding on to reality.

I want to clarify I am not building a defense for this child murderer, I am just merely speculating on what would drive a woman to molest and kill a little girl. Is it highly possible that Melissa Huckaby herself is a victim of sexual abuse? It's not an uncommon notion that children who were sexually abused, turn into adults who sexually abuse children. Maybe she was acting out some horrible deed from her past, maybe that happened to her in a church as well.

This case continues to produce more questions than answers. That is what makes this story frightening to every parent and child that hears it. Melissa Huckaby was the perfectly disguised monster. Wasn't there anyone out there that had a glimpse behind the mask? Anyone besides a little girl named Sandra.

I am in another newspaper!

The Post Chronicle picked up another one of my "articles". I better go change a poopy diaper before I get too conceited.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

A New Post On My Other Blog

It's mostly a post bragging about one of my brothers.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Has This Ever Happened To You?

Let me know if I am alone in this experience. Kids are bathed and it's storytime. I slip into some lingerie under a boring robe to let my husband know he is going to get lucky. Even better is the see-through negligee I put on is too big! I have lost so much weight even the string on the G is hanging. Don't worry I am not sick, I am a healthy 140 and a 36 D, I am not skipping meals.

We rush through some Dr. Seuss, fill up some sippy cups, rub some backs and turn out the lights.

20 minutes later I am on my back, each hand is clutching some freshly laundered sheets, my heels are dug in, my pelvis tilted and my eyes are ready to go double cherries and roll over and over like a slot machine. I am not exaggerating, I am seconds away from why I have 3 kids in the first place. And then screeeech, the brakes slam. An offspring is malingering at my bedroom door.

"Mom, it's me." This is done in a huge stage whisper.

"Mom, what are you doing?". Also hissed through the keyhole in my bedroom door. Why don't they ever ask for Daddy?

And I am so far gone, I actually think for a second that I can tune this voice out. I can go to a faraway place in my head and achieve my goal.

"Mom, it's me Michael." Really? Because I thought it was Brad Pitt coming to do back-up.

At this point 2 things go through my head: G-d hates me and if I was a man this would not phase me.

So instead I answer this voice.

"Go to bed", I hiss.

"NOW!", I growl, something like a werewolf.


Ok that's it. I shove away source of pleasure, trying not to poke him in the eye, I levitate off the bed and fly towards locked bedroom door. At this point the gremlin has realized pain is coming his way and he starts to hustle off down the hallway. He's fast and he is through his bedroom door before I can get into the hallway. I am naked and enraged.

"Head on pillow, NOW!"



"good-night, I love you."

"sigh........I love you too, do not get out of this bed for anything got it?"


Back to my bedroom and thankfully we were able to pick back up the thread. And then some.

Woo hoo!

An Arrest in the Sandra Cantu Case

Just in case you don't live in the bay area, I will give you a quick update. 2 weeks ago an 8 year old girl, Sandra Cantu, went missing. This last Monday, April 6th, they found her small body packed into a suitcase that was at the bottom of an irrigation pond.

And last night, Friday April 10th, the Tracy police made an arrest. Of course we all assumed it was going to be another evil male child molester. A woman was arrested. The mother of Sandra's best friend. Her name is Melissa Huckaby and she reported that coffin of a suitcase stolen on the same day that Sandra went missing. It's her suitcase.

Melissa Huckaby lived in that same trailer park and was a Sunday school teacher. I have never believed that just because you call yourself a Christian doesn't mean you are a good person, but most Sunday school teachers are not murderers! I am dying to know the details of this story.

And this excerpt below really gets my imagination flowing:

"The Tracy Press also reported that Huckaby was released Thursday from Sutter Tracy Community Hospital, where she spent several days in intensive care for what she described as "internal bleeding." Huckaby declined to elaborate to the newspaper."

Internal bleeding from what? Did Sandra Cantu make a valiant effort to defend herself and inflict wounds upon this woman? Was there an accident, household or automobile, that Sandra did not survive, but Melissa was injured from? And Melissa Huckaby decided to get rid of Sandra instead of taking responsibility for an accident? Did Melissa Huckaby suffer a miscarriage and take out her grief on somebody else's child? Ok that one is a stretch, I told you I have an active imagination.

Of course there is no valid motive for murdering a little girl. This woman is sick and possibly evil, but we won't know until more details are released. It's just so sad, so very, very sad.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Earthquakes Vs. Tornadoes

Me, being a California native and all, have always been amused by people who say they could never live in California because they are scared of earthquakes.

Earthquakes, if you live in a developed nation, with up-to-date seismic improvements, are not a big deal. Tornadoes happen every year, and personally, they scare the shit out of me.

Study the 2 pictures below and tell me, which one makes you want to piss your pants?

Earthquake Fault?


Thursday, April 9, 2009


Freedom! That's what Passover is all about. Thank you for clarifying that Aretha.

If you are confused, this is how Jewish holidays go: they tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Last night we had Seder at my Aunt-in-law's house but I didn't get to eat much because I was on monkey patrol. So tonight I made a meal for me and my man. Horseradish crusted crossrib roast, matzoh ball soup, haroset (the best ever), matzah crackers with broccoli dip and champagne. I had the makings for chocolate covered straberries but I got lazy.
I will eat that for breakfast.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


On the way to taking Bekah to preschool this morning we were listening to the news on the radio. The lead story was about Somali pirates who took over a cargo ship with an American crew. Michael immediately perked up:

"Pirates?!" He yelped.

"Yes, these are bad pirates who took a ship with Americans on it."

"Bad pirates?"

"Yes, there are bad pirates, and good pirates..."

"And shy pirates?"

"Uh, yes there are shy pirates.". I have been laughing about that all morning. I just keep imagining a pirate hiding behind his mommy.

Then we launched into a conversation about how Scooby-Doo and Shaggy are afraid of pirates and that we should go to "Block-Bluster" and rent a Scooby-Doo movie.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Weekly < 30 minute Recipe #11

Last week got away from me, so I owe all of you 2, less than 30 minute recipes. I am going to focus on low-carb since this week is Passover.

By the way a matzoh-ball is 2 points, and chicken broth is zero, so if you have 3 balls in some broth you have 6 points. A matzoh cracker is 2 points.

This week my recipe is Thai Beef Salad. This is sooo yummy you can serve it to guests. Fresh sliced oranges are perfect with this as a sweet side dish.

10 ounces lean boneless beef loin cut into strips
3 Tbs. soy sauce
2 Tbs. minced seeded jalapeno pepper (don't rub your eyes)
1 crushed garlic clove (use more if you like, I am allergic too much garlic is not good)
1/2 tsp. powdered ginger or 1 tsp. fresh minced ginger root
1/4 cup finely chopped cilantro
2 tsps. sesame oil
8 cups washed baby spinach

Cook beef over med-high heat in nonstick skillet for 30 seconds or no longer pink. Add soy, jalapeno, garlic and ginger IF USING FRESH, cook and stir for 3 minutes. Add ginger IF USING POWDER and green onions and stir and cook for 2 more minutes. Remove from heat and add cilantro and sesame oil and toss.

Divide fresh spinach into 4 bowls and top with 1/4 of beef mixture each bowl. Each bowl is only 4 points so feel free to double up.

Monday, April 6, 2009

I am on the Chicago Sun-Times

Holy Shit!!! Something completely goofy, and random I wrote ended up on the Chicago Sun- Times! Ok, ok online version, but still kind of cool.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Dude Crashes on Bar Stool

This guy in Ohio chugged 15 beers and crashes on his motorized bar stool. Stories like this always make me laugh.

Neil Diamond - Forever in Blue Jeans (Stereo!)

This is why YouTube is so damn addictive. You are hanging out minding your own business and you hear a song that throws you into a complete timewarp. Before YouTube existed you could shake the feeling after a couple of hours, but now I know that my laptop is just waiting for me to go find the best video of the melody that is haunting me.

You are thinking, "Seriously, this song?" Yes. It reminds me of riding in my dad's truck as a kid. His truck smelled like roof shingles, fish bait and Brut cologne. the windows were open , and we were flying down the freeway to go camping/swimming/fishing. My dad would be chatting on his C.B. radio to some random truckers (his handle was The Michigander) and my brother and I would be muching on cherries and spitting the pits out the windows.

Ok I feel better now.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Iraq- My Brother

My brother is back from Iraq! I am so happy. Over everyone, even my husband, he knows me. He knows where I come from. He knows what drives me. If I flinch, raise an eyebrow, sneer, clench my fists, purse my lips, drop my shoulders and hang my head.........he knows what it means. He can make me laugh until I cry, and use the word "Dude" way more than a 38 year old woman should. He says I am meaner than any drill sargent he has ever met and sweeter than most women.

Phew, and he made it back alive. Bill came back late last week but I gave him space to hang out with his woman before I called and demanded his attention.

So I talked to him tonight and asked how he was. Fine. How was Iraq?, " Well you know some of the citizens were dumb as a box of rocks but they were just doing their own thing. So you know, different strokes for different folks. ". Cool. Then Bill said, "But you know there were others and you need to keep this to yourself.".

Sigh...........ok fine. The really cool stories will stay with me, close to the chest.

The only stories I have to share, are something that everyone can agree on:

1) If your fingerprints are on a bomb, that if blown up will hurt people of all color, creed and gender, then you deserve to have the shit beaten out of you.

2) If you use an infant to try to deflect bullets from you, then after this infant is gently extricated from your hands, you deserve to have the shit beaten out of you.

Do you dare disagree with that?