Monday, July 27, 2009
Do I go get a mani/pedi, go shopping, drive home and masturbate with my bedroom door wide open? Nope. The first thing I did was finish filling out their paperwork, because of course I can't leave them there without it, and I hadn't done it yet. I am a master procrastinator. That took me a fucking hour and 15 minutes! Is this day camp or the secret service. Damn!
Jake cried when I left but he's in good hands, and Mike and Bekah were consoling him. I felt a twinge of sadness but it was fleeting. As soon as I saw the Starbucks sign I was over it. Now I am sitting here with my laptop, a quad shot non-fat mocha, a 1/2 eaten banana and I still don't know what the hell to do with myself.
I guess I will start with some blogging and schedule them to be posted periodically throughout the summer. You probably figured out that I gave up on my Weekly Weight Watchers recipes. Commitment is a challenge for me, probably why I didn't get married until I was 32 years old. I will post a recipe here and there, especially since I would really like to lose at least 5 more pounds before my 20 year high school reunion August 29th. But the weekly thing was an idea suited for somebody way more organized than I am.
Wednesday I do have an appointment and during this free time maybe I will go see the dentist and get my hair colored. That's not frivolity, the gray is coming in with vengenance. I believe I shall go as blonde as my eyebrows will let me. Why not?
I want to have fun and enjoy myself but I feel the need to balance this alone time with some real errands or work since my poor husband is slaving away at the moment.
Speaking of my husband we had a fight last week. We never fight. We snap at each other now and then, because we get tired and irritable but that's about it. Last week I was gently informing him that since my brother is getting married in September there are a bridal shower and a bacherlorette party on the books and I need his call schedule so I can figure out which one to go to. Of course I am leaning towards the bacherlorette party since that will be more fun. Well you think that I had asked him to serve me his balls on a platter.
He got all quiet and pouty looking and I asked him, "Are you pouting?". And he said, "A little." And I asked, "Why?". And he said, "Because you just got back from a bacherlorette weekend and left me with the kids.". "Well honey you are welcome to have a weekend alone with your guy friends too. You can go on that ski weekend with the guys from the hospital this year. As long as you stay away from the bad, slutty husbands.".
That didn't seem to cheer him up. And a few minutes later he said, "You can only go to one event! I am putting my foot down! You are only allowed to go to one event!".
At first I wanted to laugh hysterically! Then I realized he was serious. Dark anger washed over me, I had to take deep breaths, I was standing next to a block of knives, my hands were slippery from washing dishes, this could get very ugly.
Of course I was only planning to go to one event, not both. I may be a lot of things but I am not unfair. I wouldn't like it if he left me alone multiple weekends to party with his friends and family. Having kids is about sacrifice and I don't expect to have the carefree social life I used to lead. But I wasn't going to tell him that now, he pissed me off! And this wasn't drinking with my girlfriends, these are wedding events, for family, my brother!!!
I have come a long way baby when it comes to my anger management. I resisted the urge to yell and throw stuff and swear and call names. Well almost. I said, "What are you a fucking Promise Keeper?!". You know those right-wing Christian men that promise to uphold their marriage vows but really just boss their wives around? Erik said, "What?!" I said through clenched teeth, "You can't put your foot down and tell me what to do. What if this was your family member getting married? Do you think I wouldn't let you go?!." Then it deteriorated into the age old he works and I stay home and eat Bons Bons fight. Nice.
I walked away from that and went back to my Bons Bons, and dishes and kitchen floor and yelling at the kids. Then we both calmed down.
I sat on his lap and he apologized and said he was just really tired and he didn't mean to say that. And I said, "Honey I was only going to go to one event anyways, I am not an asshole. And you can go out and party with your buddies anytime, seriously, I owe you." . So we made up and it's all good!
I just didn't want you to think my life was perfect.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I had a mini high school reunion last weekend at a friend's house in Watsonville. We were having this pre-party because 2 of my friends live out of the country and won't be here for the real reunion in August. Kellie lives in Honduras and Jen lives in Australia. So our friend Julie opened up her home to us. It was perfect! Especially since her kids are 16 and 17 years old and the rest of us have toddlers.
Julie told me that I would be sleeping in a trailer with my 3 kids (my husband was on-call that weekend) but it was more like a cabin. It was so cute with a woodburning stove and wingback chairs. There was a kitchen, bathroom and a queen and a double bed. I took the double bed, and gave Mike and Bekah the queen. Jake was in his porta-crib but Jake and Bekah eventually all ended up in my sleeping bag with me squished in the middle.
Julie set up her music room downstairs, with window paints, toys, stuff to color with and play-dough. That's Kellie on the left, Jen on the right standing with the cocktail and Linda sitting down.
I have known Kellie and Linda since I was 9 years old, I met Julie in Jr. High and Jen in high school. Jen looks exactly the same, beautiful. Me and Linda tend to drink more beer than others.
Jen's daughter made this nice poem about Margaritas, hilarious!
Kellie was opening some red window paint for her daughter and accidentally poured it on Jake's head. As you can see she was more concerned than he was.
Linda's son. Freaking Cutest Boy!!!! I would die for his eyelashes. Him and my Bekah hit it off immediately. Linda you are right we need to get together for a playdate soon! They can play and we can drink beers.
Bekah and Jake enjoying the trampoline. Remember when we went camping and Jake was throwing rocks in the creek for Henry the rock fetching dog? Well Julie owns 4 goats and Jake was trying to throw rocks into their pen to make them fetch them. He was laughing and I was apologizing.
This is Julie and she is not only pretty and a gracious hostess but she made these crepes at midnight that kicked ass.
Jake had too many margaritas. Just kidding. I wish my kitchen floor looked that clean.
7 kids and 2 teenagers and no meltdowns! We lucked out! They were perfect angels.
Towards the end of the night I was feeling as fuzzy as this picture.
I didn't bother going straight home from Julie's the next morning. I left the nice cool weather of the coast and headed home to the Alameda County Fair where it was a 103 degrees. I have a wagon with a canopy that I can load all 3 kids into and we drank a gallon of lemonade each. I had sweat dripping off my chin, gross. But we had fun and it was the last day so I felt obligated to go. Mike is in the yellow t-shirt onstage with this silly band and Bekah is in the red t-shirt playing that tin can.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Ok so one of my rules to be a N.E.O. mom is to let other women make the choice to do what they want to do with their bodies and children. Another rules is that rules are meant to be broken, and that is what I am going to do now. 20/20 showed a woman breastfeeding 2.5 year old twins, yawn, big deal. Then a woman was shown nursing a 5 year old, not my thing but he seemed rather babyish so maybe it was appropriate for their family. Then they showed a woman breastfeeding her 8 year old daughter. Ewwwww!
I was already wearing a bra by the time I was 8 years old! I realize I was an early bloomer, so I started thinking about my 8 year old niece,who is more average,and I could not see her being interested in breastfeeding either.
In a third world country where water is unsafe with an inadequate food supply, breastfeeding your children to the age of 8 makes sense. In a country such as the U.S. or U.K. I just don't see that it is necessary, or even beneficial, if we think about a child's emotional development. And I am not anti-breastfeeding at all, I nursed all 3 kids, I just had no desire to do it forever.
Ok I need to talk about something else now. I love evites. You can see who is attending the same party that you have been invited to and that's very important when you recently had to quit a mom's club that you accidentally blew up. So I was invited to a lovely child's birthday party this morning, and I was checking the evite to see who would be there. "Hmmm, oh good I like that chick, oh good I miss her too, phew thank G-d she won't be there, oh shit not her and her too!?". But I am a mature woman and would never do anything to ruin a child's birthday. And my sweet husband said, "I am your friend honey and I will talk to you.".
So I visited with the mom of birthday child who is a friend, and I hung out with some friends from my new and improved mom's club, and I got to visit with 2 women that I miss from the old mom's club. The other 2 women I ignored.
Unfortunately one of those women is not to easy to ignore. She falls into that extreme mothering episode from 20/20. Strongly opinionated and super judgemental. She doesn't vaccinate her child. Do I need to say more?
Well after free play the kids started munching on pizza and that always brings up the topic of picky eaters,of which my oldest is known for being the pickiest. Somebody said something about Dino nuggets (my oldest's favorite food) and annoying mom goes off, "Oh that is not the child,that is all the parents' fault. They just need to offer their kids other foods and they will eat them.". I had to leave the room. You are probably thinking that is no reason to be annoyed but she said this in a very loud voice, totally directed at me and I am not good at being quiet so I just walked out to check on my Dino nugget eating 4 year old.
Later , said 4 year old shows up to eat cupcakes. Don't worry I always feed him before parties because I know he doesn't eat pizza. I just feed him before the party so I don't have to fight with him about food, and then he can have cupcakes after everyone else is done eating their lunch. So Mike was being silly and said, "Look I have a moustache.". It was all frosting from his cupcake on his upper lip, cute. Annoying mom immediately starts asking him in the most patronizing voice possible, "What color is the frosting Mike? Can you tell me? Do you know what color that is?". My oldest looks at her blankly and makes an unintelligible noise like he just got off the short bus. Jeez Mike throw your mother a bone! It would have been the perfect time for him to say, "Why yes this frosting is a lovely shade of indigo.".
Once again I chose to leave the room instead of kicking her in the face. I am no Miss Manners but I am pretty sure that kicking another mother in the face is not appropriate behavior at a child's birthday party.
In her defense, annoying, judgemental mom was so busy pointing out other parents' faults she didn't say anything about the old mom's club being blown up. Another guest that I like very much did say that the club I quit is dead now! She said it's boring and nobody shows up to anything. So I asked her if she would like to join our new informal group and she was very enthusiastic. It makes sense the old club is dead, we stole all the women that don't have sticks up their asses.
So just when I think that old mom's club drama is dead it gets brought up again. Sometimes quite innocently like mentioned above when I am told it's boring now that I am gone. Which I find flattering. Other times that fiasco is brought up at the most bizarre moments.
Recently I recognized a woman from my oldest's previous preschool in the line at the grocery store. We said Hi and she mentioned that she heard of me recently because some neighbors were talking about what had happened with the mom's club. What?!! How small is this damn suburb?!!
This makes me nervous because I don't know who her neighbors are, but she puts me at ease and says that she agrees it was really stupid for me to have to quit. Phew. She then goes on to say that they miss me, "Especially Sharon.". That's great except I don't know anyone named Sharon! So Sharon misses me and she has never met me? These women need a new hobby.
Then at the gym wrapped in a towel,making small talk with another woman, this woman blurts out, "So what happened with your mom's club?". Unbelievable. So I try to briefly explain it, but I start to get fired up talking about it and I use my hands a lot when I am talking and my towel falls to my ankles. Awkward.
My advice is always be careful what you say and what you email, especially if you live in suburb, small town or associate with a lot of women that have sticks up their asses.
Monday, July 20, 2009
As soon as we got into the room Bekah, Kaitlyn and Haley all piled onto my mom's cozy bed.
Kaitlyn just turned 11 years old. Can we say heartbreaker?
This is my future heartbreaker Bekah Boo.
I have one lean son and one tank. Jake continued to throw sand in the air even though it continued to get in his eyes. He's a little slow on the uptake sometimes. That's the beautiful resort on the hill in the background.
Remember that beer we drank? They don't have public restrooms on this beach.
After we hitched a ride back up to the resort we had another drink poolside. Their pool was warm and very kid friendly. We washed up and went to a pizza parlor for dinner that was within walking distance. After dinner some other cute guys from the resort built us a bonfire on the beach and brought us makings for smores. Those white boxes pictured below hold all the ingredients and we used those sticks to do the roasting.
Aforementioned cute guy took a family picture of us. From left to right back row first, Kaitlyn, my mother Louise (Grandma Wheeze), Auntie M, me Charlotte holding Jake, front row Bekah, Haley and Mike.
Mix melted marshmallow and add sand and you have cement.
Oh no! Oscar Garfield Super Flying Cat of the World the Second got melted marshmallow on him. I cleaned him with a wipe and everyone was happy.
Mike and the sunset.
Bekah watching the sunset with Auntie M
I can see the woman she will grow into in this picture.
Cuddling with Kaitlyn.
In the foreground was an air mattress shared by me and Auntie M. In the main bed my mom and Kaitlyn slept. Out of sight on the other side of the bed was another air mattress with Haley and Bekah. We put Mike by himself on some couch cushions because he was too wiggly to share a bed with. And Jake was in the portable crib. We packed that room to the ceiling and the amount of sand in that room could have been used to build a sand castle.
We had a lovely breakfast in my mom's room of bagels, fruit, donuts and coffee. Auntie M and the girls headed back to San Ramon for a swim meet and we headed to a park. After the park we had an awesome lunch where Bekah was so awful I had to yank her out of her seat and take her outside to talk. She was screaming in a very small restaurant because Mike got his lemonade before she did. People were covering their ears and staring at me. I was so embarassed. She pulled it together for our lunch but she was still fairly whiny when we took them to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.
Here is Bekah's, "No I don't want ice cream!", face. Obviously she was saying no for the sake of saying no. Who the hell says no to ice cream?! Criminally insane 3 year olds do.
This is my favorite picture from our trip. That's my mom and Mike on the Caveland Adventure Train. My mom spoiled my kids like crazy! Video games, she bought tickets for all the rides, cotton candy, ice cream, they were in Heaven! And my mom and I took turns watching the kids while we went on the Giant Dipper. She let me go first and it is still the best roller coaster in the Universe. My butt actually caught some air and my teeth rattled!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
In the meantime wish me luck dealing with my 3 year old. Her whining is making my ears bleed.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Friday night I went to a sex toys party at Auntie M's and that was a blast. In fact it was sooo much fun my husband let me sleep in until 10am! I was hanging a little.
At 10:30am Saint Sarah, my kids' babysitter, picked up Michael for the day. On her own time and money she took him to the Academy of Sciences in San Francisco for his birthday gift. I offered her money but she wouldn't take it! Sarah also bought him lunch, a t-shirt, a toy and toys for Jake and Bekah. Can you understand why I call her a Saint? And no you can't have her phone number, she's mine, all mine!
Then my dear husband woke up from his nap and took Bekah to the gym with him and I put Jake down for a nap and slithered back into bed for another hour. LAZY!
I did manage to do some laundry, dishes and housecleaning and I took a picture of this cute faun below. But the majority of Saturday my ass was planted firmly on my couch with my laptop open. And I discovered the addictive properties of twitter. At first I just didn't get the concept, I update my status on Facebook all of the time why would I need twitter? But the whole Iran revolution thing got me hooked, and now I am finding all kinds of interesting characters out there. In fact I guess I was hungover enough yesterday to be gullible enough to think this guy was real. His stage name is Billy Bob Neck and he posted a petition on twitter for fetal consent to abortion. WTF?! It was so obviously a joke but I was moving so slow yesterday I thought it was for real. I actually sent him an outraged twitter. He is actually a comedian, and Billy Bob Neck is his character. How embarassing that I didn't figure it out right away.
So after we put the kids to bed I made an awesome steak and potato salad with a horseradish and red wine vineagrette. Erik and I drank 2 bottles of champagne and watched Jack Ass 2 (the movie). Being married to your best friend is, well, it's the best!!
This morning started off with Erik dragging both Bekah and Jake into our bed at 6am. Then he promptly fell back asleep and started snoring while they tortured me. So I kicked them all out of bed and slept until 8:45am. I relieved Erik so he could nap and I downed a pot of coffee and once again wasted time on the internet. After the caffiene kicked in I did manage to some more housecleaning and cooked everyone an early lunch. The steak and potatoes from last night scrambled up with some eggs, cheese, broccoli and red bell pepper made an awesome lunch.
I put Jake down for a nap, I showered and Erik took Mike and Bekah to the park to hang out with some of their buddies. I was holding the broom in my hand when they walked out the door but as soon as I heard the garage door close............well here I am again. Loser!
In my defense next week is going to be insanely busy:
Monday= Gym and swimming.
Tuesday= Going overnight to Santa Cruz with my monkeys, Auntie M, the cousins and crashing at a room my mom is renting for the week. That should be fun but exhausting. When my boys are around even a puddle of water they lose their minds, so the Pacific Ocean should be exciting for them. Bekah is a little more refined.
Thursday= After the kids' morning music class, I have Saint Sarah all day. Grocery shopping, paying bills, filing, and if Erik is not on-call I would love to take him out to an early dinner date.
Friday= Single motherhood for me the entire weekend! Erik is scheduled to be on-call, which means he will be at the hospital most of the time.
Saturday=Going back to the Santa Cruz area for a mini high school reunion. I have a friend home from Australia and a friend home from Honduras and we are all meeting up at another friend's farm in Monterey. We are all bringing our small kids, doing bbq and potluck,playing music, and some clothing optional hot tubbing. We are spending the night too so nobody has to drive after beer and margaritas. My husband is very sad that he has to work both Tuesday and next weekend, these are his kind of events.
So next week's busy schedule is my excuse for this weekend's extreme laziness. I did manage to shower today, but I am still not wearing a bra!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Danica's genius dessert was pound cake. Get it? Pound cake?
Pam's deviled boobie eggs on a Winnie The Pooh platter shows extra class.
Our newest bride Martine brought the nipple cookies. No discrimination here, all sizes and colors were represented.
Uhm, Julie was pressed for time. That tasted way better than it looked.
Jelly donuts. Use your imagination. I resisted posting a picture of Yvette rubbing cream on her nipples.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
We went camping on private lands deep inside Sunol Regional Park. This Ranch belongs to Auntie M's in-laws and has been in the family since the 1930s. That's why it's deep in a regional park in the middle of the bay area. And they were really nice to invite me and my savages out there. The picture below is before we pulled out of our driveway, nice and clean.
Less than an hour later we get to the Ranch and the first thing Jake does is play in the dirt.
This is what he looked like all weekend.
The rest of the weekend was spent drinking beer, eating a ton of food, shooting cannonballs out of a homemade cannon and throwing rocks into the creek. Mostly a lot of beer and throwing rocks into the creek.
That's Bekah's rock-throwing face.
We chilled watermelons in the creek old school style.
Jake made a new friend this weekend. This is Henry, a 9 month old labradoodle and he likes to fetch rocks. He actually holds his breath, sticks his head under water and retrieves rocks. And Jake thought that was the funniest thing he had ever seen in his life.
Look at Henry's face dripping with water as he waits for Jake to throw another rock.