Pacifier Vs. Dirty Sock

Before you have kids most people know that you are going to be dealing with a lot of poop. Then you become a parent and realize you had no idea just exactly how many different bodily fluids you have to deal with on a daily basis. Then you become a seasoned parent and build up an immunity to grossness. Nothing seems to make you squeamish anymore. Yesterday I found something that made me very squeamish.


We went to the usual weekend little kid's birthday gathering with mandatory jumpy house in the backyard. Jake's shoes were off due to the jumpy house and he managed to make a few runs of the backyard in his socks so they got very dirty. He was very tired after the party and on his way home instead of popping a binkie (pacifier) into his mouth he peeled off one of his filthy socks and stuck it in his mouth! Retch!

Jake is 3 rows back in the mini-van so I couldn't reach him to tear the offending sock out of his mouth and I was driving so I couldn't climb back there. Erik can't turn around in a moving vehicle because he gets car sick. I was forced to look at the below image everytime I looked in my rearview mirror. Gag!

As soon as I got home I snuck that hideous thing out of his mouth. And took a picture of it. The toes of the sock were in his mouth and he was actually sucking on it like a pacifier. This nice family owns a large dog so you can just imagine the things that sock picked up. Heave!

I guess it's nice to know that I have not become as jaded as I thought I had. Maybe having a 4th child will finally make me immune to all things disgusting. Hurl!

The 10 Rules For Being a N.E.O. Mom

1. NEO Moms promote a positive body image to their children.

2. NEO Moms get along with their parenting partner most of the time.

3. NEO Moms support a person's right to choose.

4. NEO Moms are patriotic.

5. NEO Moms like to party, laugh and just generally have a good time.

6. NEO Moms support, protect, and nurture their children.

7. NEO Moms expect their children to behave most of the time, especially in public.

8. NEO Moms take care of themselves.

9. NEO Moms have common sense priorities.

10. NEO Moms don't always follow the rules.


Ok so now I need to add some explanation to these rules.

1. Don't worry I don't expect you to feed your kids tofu and sprouts and make them do Yoga. What I mean by promoting a positive body image is don't be anorexic or obese. That's all. And I feel that I can speak with some authority on this issue because I have been both a size 16 and now I am somewhere between a 4 and a 6. But we all know women's clothing sizes are a scam so in reality I probably used to be a size 20 and now I am a size 8.

So what I am saying is that you just have to be as healthy as you can be for your kid's sake. Because if I didn't have kids I would be eating whatever I wanted and swilling alcohol and who knows what else. But now that I have 3 dependents I have to eat stuff like salad and get all gross and sweaty exercising. It's very important that I watch all 3 of them graduate college and of course my daughter will need me to take over all of her wedding planning.


2. I chose the term parenting partner because not all of us have a legal spouse. You may have a boyfriend or a lesbian lover or be single. I really don't care but my point was that you need to get along with them most of the time especially in front of your children. Domestic abuse is not cool.


3. Choice is important to me and to pretty much any mother who doesn't get offended easily. And I have a wide definition for rule #3. So I may lose some women with this, but I am including a woman's right to choose to terminate a pregnancy as a valid and respected choice.

I won't stop there though, a NEO Mom also respects a woman's right to breast-feed or not, to work or stay-at-home with the kids, to pierce their daughter's earrings or to circumcise their sons. It's really none of your damn business what other moms do if it is not hurting their child or your's. And real moms know this. A not easily offended mother knows that with every decision a mother makes, there are wakeful nights, and long discussions, and reading through baby books. It's never easy.

4. Ok so some of my friends are like WTF?! Yes that's right I am unapologetically patriotic and I think this is a very good rule. I get goose bumps and teary-eyed every time I hear the National Anthem. I love this country and it's people and it's founding prinicples. A lot of people think America sucks right now but it's our govt. that sucks not our people. So does patriotic mean you have to fly the flag in front of your house to be a NEO Mom? No, look at rule #3. Does this mean you can't burn the flag if you get pissed off? No, look at rule #3. Actually I think to deny somebody the right to burn the flag is very Un-American. But if you burn my flag I think you are an asshole. Of course I will fight for your right to be an asshole because that is the American Way.


5. So don't worry that you can't be a NEO Mom if you are in recovery. If I said you had to drink booze to be a cool mom then I would be like that jock in high school trying to get into your panties. No you don't have to drink, or whatever, but you do need to like at least cake or ice cream or chocolate and ,you realize life is way too short to not be able to laugh at least once a day.

6. This is kind of a no-brainer isn't it? Does this mean you can never yell at your kids or make mistakes? Shit I hope not! You just have to take a deep breath once in awhile and realize that you are all they have. You are mommy, the all powerful, and it is your job to protect, defend and nurture their little souls.


7. An adult woman is not afraid of a child. Even if that child is a criminally insane 3 year old. A competent mother expects their child to behave especially in public. But a NEO Mom expects only age appropriate behavior from their children. What I mean is that you can't take a 2 year old to a fancy restaurant and expect them to maintain, it's just not fair to all involved. Now if you are at a family pizza parlor, they are most likely going to be loud and squirmy but they still have to sit and eat some of their food and not throw most of it on the floor. I think that is reasonable.

I was at such an establishment recently and my 20 month old was boisterous and it was fine with me, he was eating his food and sitting for along time. This place has an arcade and a bar and is very loud and this one old man was actually giving my son dirty looks! Are you insane? This was not the place you take a date! So he was not a NEO Mom, he had no clue as to what a child's limits are. My 4 year old on the other hand was forced to sit and eat before he could play any arcade games, and he was ready to go out of his mind until I gave him the stink eye and that was it.


8. Sleep deprivation, stress, hormones, hunger. Those are 4 letter words when you are a mom. I know it's not always possible to take a nap but you have to eat, you have to breathe or you will lose it. I love those magazines that tell you to get a sitter and go get a massage.............well duh if we could we would right? How about locking yourself in the bathroom with a book and a glass of wine/beer? If you have toddlers like I do you know they are not going to get hurt because they will be on the other side of the door trying to get in. I just sit on the toilet and stare at their fingers as they slip them under the door and cry mommy. But for the safety of all I need a few minutes before I can open that door again.

9. This is another no-brainer. If you want a new pair of shoes and your kid is hungry..........the shoes can wait. Here is another analogy, what is more important dirty dishes or getting a 30 minute nap while you can? The nap wins everytime. You don't want to be yelling at your kids all of the time and seriously you will have tons of time to do dishes when they are in college. I live in a part of the country that has ants. This is what I do if I need sleep and I have dirty dishes. Pile them in the sink and then take dish soap and squirt it all the way around your sink, the ants will get lodged in the soap and die while you nap and then you can just wipe them up. Don't act all stuck-up and think I am gross, you know you are going to do it.

10. It's true, rules are for shitheads. These are more like guidelines or something amusing to read during the kids' naps.

A Vow Deconstructed

in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish;
from this day forward,
until death do us part. 


On our wedding day, as we stand in our finest before our friends and family we repeat these vows and largely take them for granted. 


 Well of course I will bring you a blankie and the remote while you are laid up on the couch, I can make chicken noodle soup and rub your feet and I can run to the pharmacy.  If I must, I can clean up after you and I can definitely pick up the phone and call your mom to come save your ass.  


It's really when you have a few years of marriage under your belt and something arises that let's you really know what those vows mean. Maybe your husband falls off a bike and breaks a leg. All of a sudden your independent man needs your help and sometimes he's cranky about it. Or in my case I started a new medication this evening that is supposed to help with my ulcerative colitis.  


I read all the instructions and I even used the practice "pen" they gave me but lucky for me my husband is a family practice doctor and I asked him to do it for me. I laid on my back on the couch and he swabbed me with alcohol and gave me 4 different injections in my stomach. It hurt but I just pretended I was getting a tattoo. 


We cleaned up and I changed into some sweat pants since my tummy was sore and I asked him to please do bedtime and I would make him dinner.  After the kids were in bed I thanked him for giving me those injections and not being grossed out.  He said it was his pleasure and that he just wants me to feel better. 


To love and to cherish, he makes that very easy to do.

Passover For Those Afraid to Ask

Before I got married I converted to Judaism. My friends and family were supportive of my decision but I could tell they felt awkward when it came to asking questions.
The questions I would get were:"So do you go to church every Friday night?"
"How long is Hanukkah, 12 days?"
"What is the holiday where you eat that gross fish in a jar?"

When I was going through my conversion process I found that reading Jewish children's websites was the most helpful way to get the basics of everything Judaism.  When I had more complex questions, and wanted to delve into deeper issues, I would read the Jewish adult websites. 

Tonight at sundown Jewish people across America will be sitting down to a Seder for the holiday of Passover. It's a long dinner but it's not boring. Think Catholic wedding except with food and more wine. Lots of ritual and joyous. This is the bible story that covers the burning bush, parting of the red sea and the freedom of slaves.  Good stuff.

. . And yes, gross fish in a jar. It's called Gefilte Fish and this will offend some people, but I totally agree that it is gross! But there are other Passover delicacies that make up for the gross fish in a jar: 

Matzo Ball Soup

and

Flourless Chocolate Torte. 

So now you know just enough about Passover to get you through the week if you are not Jewish.  And here is another tidbit you can impress your friends with, Sammy Davis Jr. also converted to Judaism.  I am not going to pretend I am as cool as Sammy Davis Jr. but it is nice to be in such groovy company. And speaking of groovy you have to watch this video below. It's appropriate for Passover because A) Sammy is Jewish and B) Aretha briefly sings her song "Think" which has those great lyrics about freedom.

Grandma Hazel

This is the eulogy I delivered for my Grandmother yesterday. I wasn't the only one to speak kind words and my Aunt Kitty and Uncle Mike really put together a service as beautiful as my Grandmother. I wish I could say my gorgeous children sat quietly during the service but no, my dear husband ended up taking them to McDonald's.  The were the best dressed family there. And I am eternally gratefully to Erik for going beyond the call of husband and father yesterday, and just being a completely awesome and patient person. I also delivered this eulogy wearing my husband's right contact lens instead of my own, just to add some extra challenge to the whole public speaking tension.





There are several things that will always remind me of my Grandmother: the status of poodles, and Cadillacs. The luxury of perfume, and Cashmere sweaters. Grandma was always perfectly put together, her dogs were groomed, her house spotless, and she smelled wonderful and felt so soft. She was by far the most glamorous person I have ever met. Grandma Hazel could wear white slacks and gold sandals to a BBQ and stay stain free. My girl cousins and I would love to open her bathroom drawers and stare mesmerized at all the lipsticks and lotions.

But she didn't always have access to these conditions. There is no status in migrating to California during the Depression. No luxury in sleeping under a bridge ( pictured above is the 7th Street bridge my Grandmother slept underneath, which is still located in Modesto, Ca.)  with your siblings. There is nothing clean about having 6 kids of your own.  And there will never be any glamour in outliving one of your own sons.






The beauty and order Grandma surrounded herself was much deserved. Both her and Grandpa Bill worked hard to build their life. They were excellent role models for hard work and learning new skills. Grandma Hazel didn't learn to play the piano and do ceramics until later in life. And Grandpa was always reading and educating himself.






And even though Grandma loved her family unconditionally, that doesn't mean occasionally she wouldn't try to change you. Us grand kids learned early on not to mention if we were feeling under the weather. Grandma would take this opportunity to pump us full of vitamins or make you drink some strange herbal concoction. She wouldn't mind performing minor surgery on our dirty feet to get out a splinter or rubbing Vitamin E oil on some mystery rash. She was an excellent nurse but wasn't afraid to experiment on us either.






I know my Grandma Hazel loved me. She gave me tons of hugs and kisses and spoiled me rotten. But I am pretty sure she thought my hair was out robbing liquor stores at night. I worshipped her so much I really didn't mind the experiments she attempted on my unruly hair. My mom would leave me at Grandma's house and she would be instantly washing and conditioning my hair in the kitchen sink. It was like a spa day. I didn't mind the crazy hair cuts, I didn't mind the olive oil and the beer rinse didn't bother me at all. It was the homemade mayonnaise I objected to. I smelled like a bologna sandwich for 2 days!






I wasn't the only grandchild, my brothers and my cousins were always at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Often for days at a time. And they played with us. Grandma would play on the piano with us, take us to parks, bowling, shopping and dye Easter eggs with us. Grandpa played cards with us,played pool with us, and let us follow him around the garden, and read all of his books. We were never bored and felt safe and loved. All of us running around the backyard, sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags and crowded around the kitchen or patio table.






Over the years family, just like friends, drift apart. I am so grateful for the memories my grandparents gave me and my cousins. And now that I have kids of my own I realize it's not that easy to organize family gatherings or reunions. I do want to offer my kids the same positive experience that we all had. I know that Grandma would want today to be more of a happy reflection and celebration of life. A chance for everyone to re-connect, to forget any differences, and to be loving role models for our new family members.






One day I was out to lunch with Grandma and she told me there wasn't a lot of love and affection in her childhood home. And as an adult she went to visit her brother Clarence at his home one day. Clarence walked up to her and hugged her. She was very surprised, but she said it felt so good to her that she hugged him back. She told me to remember to hug people and tell them that you love them otherwise they may never know how you feel.






I found an Irish Blessing perfect for the wife of a roofer.






May the roof above us never fall in.


And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.





End of eulogy.

I asked a dear friend who currently lives in Stanislaus County if she knew of any non-religious type organizations that help homeless children.  Modesto, where my Grandmother migrated to as a homeless child is in Stanislaus County, and my Grandma Hazel was never strongly religious. |My friend Daphne found a couple of places. Thank you so much Daphne that really means a lot to me.

Hutton House

Pathways

Me, my mom Louise, Grandma Hazel and my daughter Rebekah Hazel. R.I.P. Grandma nobody will ever be as beautiful as you.

An Ode to my Sister-in-law

 I wrote this 2 years ago and nothing has changed. My sister-in-law, Merrill, pulls my ass out of the fire on a weekly basis and is my best friend.
Happy Birthday Auntie M.

Ok so this was supposed to go out for Auntie M's birthday but what can I say, I am slacker. I also didn't want to just bust out something half-assed.

I met Merrill for the first time briefly at her house in Fremont when Erik and I were on the way to a party in S.F. Auntie M and her husband Uncle Chrissy were very nice and Kaitlyn was about 2 years old and Haley was about 7 months old, so cute.

The first time I really hung out with her was at her in-law's ranch in Sunol. Very intimidating to go to a weekend camping trip where the only person you know is your boyfriend. And there were a lot of people there for this Memorial Day Weekend. And these were my kind of people. Beer, food, more beer, more food, some music, some dancing, guns, dogs and more beer and more food. I had just come off a graveyard shift with no sleep but I quickly pulled it together and had a great Friday night. The next morning Merrill asked me to put sunscreen on baby Haley. I felt honored that she would trust me and I remember holding Haley on my lap and as I went to rub sunscreen on her ears she leaned towards my fingers and closed her eyes. So cute. I got to know Merrill better that weekend and really liked her.

As me and Erik's relationship progressed I realized how close Erik is to his sister and how lucky I am that she is likable. I worked Christmas day at the psych hospital and Erik went home to do Hannukah/Xmas with his family. When he got back I went to visit him and Erik escorted me into his living room and pointed to one corner; that pile is the gifts I got from my family and that pile is the gifts you got from my family. My pile was way bigger. Yay, they liked me!!

One day Erik told me that Merrill told him, "If you ever break up with Charlotte I will fucking kill you. ". I asked, "You were talking about breaking up with me?!". "No!", he said.

In a conversation with Merrill somehow we were talking about Erik's exes and Merrill said she liked me, "......because you are so normal.". Damn who was he dating before?

Erik and I moved to San Ramon and he was working with his father. On a day that Erik was supposed to be home early, he was not around so I called his cell phone. "What are you doing?", I asked, "Nothing.". My husband does not know how to lie which is a great thing to have in a husband. "If you are doing nothing then why can I hear Merrill's voice in the background?". Duh. He hung up and Merrill called me back and asked what kind of engagement ring I was looking for. I told her and she got me exactly what I wanted, with Erik's money.

Merrill planned my bachelorette party, it was so awesome that I can't put anything about it in this blog.

Merrill planned my bridal shower, and it was girly and beautiful, and all my family and friends felt welcomed. Merrill did a ton of other stuff for my wedding as well as having her girls as my flower girls. She also spent the night with me in my hotel room the night before my wedding and knew that was the one morning that it would be safe to wake me up and jump on my bed. She jumped all around me and said, "You're getting married today, you're getting married today.".

On my wedding day she kept me safe from all drama.

She was the first one to know I was pregnant. I wanted to tell my husband first but when I called Merrill to ask why when the wind blew a mile away my boobs hurt, she accurately guessed I was pregnant.

Merrill was in the room when Mike was born. I was at first opposed to having so many people in the delivery room but after Mike was born I realized that Erik and my Dad were window dressing. Merrill, my step-mom Cherie and my MIL Jan were my pit crew. I needed them. Jan is good for cheerfulness and food and hugs and kisses. Cherie is the type of person that when you lean forward in bed she fluffs your pillows, she also takes over the care and feeding of my father who is very emotional in situations like this. And Merrill knows how to communicate with me as a peer. She tells me what I am feeling is normal or not normal, she steers me in the right direction, I even let her grab my nipple and shove it in Mike's mouth for his first feeding. By the time I got around to having Jake, Merrill was back in school finishing her degree. Jake's birth coincided with finals and Merrill told me she might not make his birth. I of course understood but on the inside I was panicky. Jake was a good boy and made sure she was in the room when his daddy delivered him.

And speaking of back to school. Merrill finished her degree with 2 kids in elementary school and took care of my family while I was on partial bed rest!! I will never stop being impressed by that. And I feel like I never truly told her to her face how grateful I was, I was sooo preoccupied with my uterus.

She also got honors. And when I took my monkeys to her graduation she snatched Jake and showed him off to all of her friends.

And now Auntie M has moved to San Ramon! And I love it because she picks up Mike and takes him places. And they come over here and party . And just last weekend I went and got the damn stomach flu. It was bad and Erik decided I needed to go to the E.R. for some I.V. fluids. I called Merrill that morning and not only did we wake them up but her girls were at their grandmother's! So she was kid-free and sleeping in and I woke them up and asked them to come watch my kids so Erik could take me to the E.R. When I got home my youngest was napping and Merrill had cleaned my house.

I did not grow up with sisters, I have 2 younger brothers, 5 step-brothers and 3 step-sisters. My step-sisters are sweet but we did not grow up together. Now at the ripe old age of 38 I get to have a sister. In fact Merrill is wearing my cute, new jacket out tonight and I recently borrowed a dress of her's to wear to Erik's 20th high school reunion. Unfortunately we don't wear the same shoe size. But damn just think if we did.................this would be the perfect relationship.

Bedtime Antics

I don't know about you but, once that obligatory bedtime routine is executed, and all the bedroom doors are shut, I am off-duty. As long they don't open their door and yell mom, and I don't smell any smoke, then I am enjoying me time. Except tonight. 

I tried to ignore the antics, until plaster from the ceiling started to rain on my head. The windows were shaking, the blinds were swinging and my cat looked terrified. I finally trudged upstairs to find 3 individual broadway acts going on. Except it was more like a combination of Vaudeville and mixed martial arts.

I witnessed singing, stuffed animal throwing and wrestling. I yelled at them to go to bed but without much enthusiasm.  I started to realize that if the three of them can do this much damage, wait until we have slumber parties.

My Summer Vacation by Charlotte

I took some major time off from my blog and I missed writing, and offending and entertaining my friends. I'd like to give you a run-down on my summer before I go back to my usual erratic posts.

June
*  Kids did great with their swim lessons even though Jake and Bekah's class was monopolized by some helicopter parents. That means they hovered over the pool and bossed the swim coach around. All 3 of them: mom, dad and grandmother. The poor little boy was wearing a swim vest and goggles, neither of which fit properly. It was killing me! Poor little guy. My only advice to the swim coach was, drag Jake's ass into the pool if he tries to run away.

* Took my savages to Disneyland for their first time. Lots of family joined us and we dominated the park. My daughter is fearless, my sons are wimps. Mike heard the first chord of organ music in The Haunted Mansion and ran screaming for the door. Jake was catatonic for an hour after going on The Pirates of the Caribbean. Bekah went on Tower of Terror twice!  She's 4 years old.

July
* Husband was on-call Fourth of July weekend. Super suck.

* Took my 3 monkeys to the county fair by myself. Hot and expensive but I am not afraid to hit the beer booth. Best money spent was shooting water balloons out of a sling-shot, at each other. I have better aim than they do (evil laugh) that's what they get for waking me up at dawn.  Jake was on my team and Bekah and Mike had their own, ineffective team. We drew such an audience of people laughing that the booth's owner kept giving us free water balloons. We got him a whole new line of customers. It was really fun. One woman was laughing so hard she had to sit on the grass so as not to pee her pants.

*Kids did sports camp, craft camp, no girls allowed camp and a music class.

* I decided to take the kids camping for a weekend by myself. Not really, my Dad and Step-mom and other family were there to pick up some slack. My reasoning was that Erik would have a lovely weekend by himself and would be refreshed.

*We spent the whole weekend in the lake swimming. Jake practically hyperventilated when I tried to swim out to the buoys in the middle of the lake. I started to turn back and my dear Dad said,"No! Spend 5 minutes by yourself he needs grow out of this!". Thanks Dad. It was so nice to swim out past the pee warmed water and shiny slick of sunscreen,to the middle of the lake where it was nice and cool and quiet. Totally cleared my head.

* I was exhausted the next day and packed up camp around my sleeping kids. I then poured them into semi-clean clothes and packed them into the van. I told them we would stop for milk and donuts if they let me drive home with no stops or fighting. I was so excited thinking that I would dump them on my refreshed husband and take a giant nap. When I got home Erik was laid up with a sprained ankle..........no rest for the wicked.

*Mike flooded our downstairs. Our cat drinks from the bathroom sink and Mike turned it on full-blast, plugged the sink and then came back upstairs to snuggle with us in bed. While Erik and I are laying in bed listening to our 3 kids sing songs about farts we had no idea our bathroom was flooding beyond the walls and onto the hallway carpet. Such a lovely thing to come downstairs and see before I have even had a cup of coffee.

*Keep your records updated, I called the number my husband gave me for our insurance guy and it was phone sex chat-line!

*Happy ending: home owner's insurance is buying us new downstairs carpet.  I have decided to let my 6 year old live. Then I had a huge good-bye to the old carpet playgroup here with my friends and all their kids. At least 15 kids were here. Good times.

August (last weekend of July)
*My brother Bill and his woman, Ari,  came to spend a couple of nights. They were trying to catch a military flight out of Travis Air Force Base for Europe (the long way). Bill is a Navy Seal. Lots of family in and out all day feeding them brunch, lunch and grilled a couple of tri-tips. Tons of fun.

* After they left their travels took them to Spain and Morocco. They stayed here on there way home for a couple of more nights. I love having them here because they are very hands-on with the kids and not only are a huge help but really tire out my kids!

*The same day Bill and Ari went home Erik's grandmother came to stay a couple of nights. She came with me to Mike's camp talent show and Mike booed a little girl and made her cry. I wanted to fucking die!!  I dragged him out of the room and told him how he had hurt her feelings and was never allowed to boo again for the rest of his life. And he said,"Even at a football game?". And I said maybe. Then I made him apologize to her and by that time he was in tears.

*I took Grandma-in-law and kids to visit a cousin of hers in Marin. They were super nice and had 2 kids of their own. He is V.P. of Wordpress so I didn't mention I had a blog on Blogger and I told my Grandmother-in-law not to say anything either.

*The next day tons more family came for a bbq and then sister-in-law took her grandmother home with her.

*Erik was on-call this entire time. It sucked.

*Hooked up with friend of over 30 years and took our kids to Gilroy Gardens. Fun!

*Jake has taken to climbing the outside of the stairs. Like a rock wall. The first time I found him I couldn't even reach him  because he had climbed so high. I ran upstairs and dragged him over the railing to safety. I have weaved a crib bumper through the spindles but that's just slowing him down. Any ideas besides barbed wire or broken glass?

*Last night bbq here, tonight bbq at friends, tomorrow more bbq at friends. And then back to school on Monday. Three different schools, three different schedules.........wish me luck.

Summer is for Re-runs

";

I finally made it back to my blog only to release a re-run.  In my defense I gotta go bake a cake for a bbq and this particular entry makes me laugh.


My brother Bill, pictured above, found a list of, "...things women wish men knew." and he decided to add his own commentary. It's hilarious but I still had to edit some of it because it did get pretty nasty. My brother's comments are the one's labeled "dude".

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

Dude; Take what you can fucking get, if I'm saying it, it counts, unless I'm lying to you, which is gonna be a lot if you keep saying stupid shit like that.

2. Real men drive stick shift.

Dude: Just when the fuck did you become an expert on real men? You cry

during Grey's anatomy and sit when peeing, I don't give a fuck if Idrive a dumptruck and park it on your lawn or a vespa and do race tracks in your driveway, I am the judge of what a real man is, and while were on that subject your brother is a putz.

3. I will leave if you lie.

Dude. Pack your shit.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

Dude. I am never cute and never describe me as such. And what the fuck,….make up your mind do you want to date a real man or a twelve year old from some perverse little league.

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

Dude. I mean honestly, what the fuck do I even say to that, keep that shit to yourself.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

Dude. I love it when you blow me after the Chargers lose.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

Dude. Remember after we spent the holidays at your mom's house and you asked me that question and I said you looked plump? Cuz I remember,the neighbors remember, I think the goddamn dog remembers. You are wrong, Fine is a wholly appropriate response.

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

Dude ummmm……. Yup ditto here.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

Dude see answer to question # 3

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

Dude. When did I email you?

11. I expect you to call me.

D. You also expect me to be nice to your alcoholic father and your enabling neurotic mother, I won't even go into your dipshit borrowing money putz brother, so calling you is the least of my worries but thanks for bringing it up.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

Dude. You can tell me what to wear at our wedding and any funerals I attend. Short of that just compliment me on my daring sense of style and be happy I deal with your shit.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.

Dude. You go to the pisser in pre-planned groups, and the only independent chick in history I can think of was Amelia Aerhart and you see where that got her.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

Dude. You're not Katie Holmes and I'm not a Scientoligist so let's pull the reality train over and get you a ticket.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

Dude. I aint got no problem tongue whipping the Ham wallet but I would rather whack off with a hand full of broken glass then ever go shoe shopping with you again.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

Dude. Check, I will ignore you by going to Déjà vu (strip club in San Diego) until you are feeling more into it.

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm . . . a.) . . . having a fat day. b.) . . . not feeling "connected" to you. c.) . . . blackmailing you to get something I want.

Dude. You are using sex to get something you want they have a name for that and that name is whore.

19. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

Dude. Unless by nothing you mean G'day Mate.

20. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

Dude So you have a secret sexual fantasy about the Unabomber, JesusChrist what else.

21. You should never tell me what to do.

Dude. If I didn't tell you what to do you would be sitting in your room late for work in your underwear trying to figure out how to use the goddamn alarm clock.

22. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

Dude This is the least crazy thing you have said all day.

23. . I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

Dude. I hold your hand because if I didn't you would walk straight into oncoming traffic and fucking die, that is a semi truck, the guy driving it is on crack, he will kill you, wake up.

24. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

Dude. Sssshhh be quiet there about to say the score on the Chargers game.

25. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

Dude. If I truly fuck up I will get you flowers, if the surf was really good though I will probably just get them from the grocery store.

26. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you—and for you

to recognize this.

Dude. When I first moved to Hawaii I bought a 69 ford econoline van for 300 hundred dollars, it was awesome it could fit ten surfboards, had three on the tree and a max speed of 60 mph downhill in neutral, I can honestly say it was the greatest vehicle purchase of my life. Wait what was the question again.

27. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking.

Dude. you get like this for four days every month call me I'll be atDéjà vu again.

28. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

Dude. O fucking kay this is what I want you to do, write down exactly what you just said and then read it out loud to yourself. If that does not sound like absolute gibberish I will let you buy me one complete getup from urban outfitters.

29. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months,earns major bonus points.

Dude. Not going to Thailand on a cocaine fueled hooker binge should earn me major bonus points, and by the way I have no idea when my own birthday is let alone anniversaries you should probably get me a calendar.

30. I love it when you're sweaty.

Dude. But you don't like it when I have body odor, you are a fucking walking contradiction.

31. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

Dude. Fair enough.

32. I like porn.

D. You like passionate late night cinemax porn. I like Max Hardcore porn, there is a colossal difference.

33. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

Dude. Strange enough that is where I keep my wallet.

34. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

Dude. I talked dirty to you and I thought you were gonna call the cops,you talked dirty to me and I couldn't stop laughing, how about we just watch that Max Hardcore I was talking about earlier.

35. I remember everything about our relationship.

Dude. All in all I'll give you that one.

36.You should know all this and more without my telling you.

Dude. You just had to end on a crazy note.

Make Me Laugh

I have been dealing with some shit lately.  I strive to write funny, sometimes thought-provoking, but mostly funny posts. I am drawing a blank.  And I really need to laugh.

So I am going to try something new.  I am going to put this linky thing at the bottom of this post and I want you to add a link to either something funny on your blog or just a link to something you find hilarious. 

Go ahead, make me laugh (Clint Eastwood voice).  See, I am just not funny right now only dorky.

Summer Camps 2010

After picking up my 2 oldest kids from school, I informed them of all the wonderful camps and activities I spent the whole morning signing them up for. My 5 year old proceeded to give me an alternate list of camps that he would prefer to attend.  All the way home from school he cracked himself up with these perfect camps:

Fart Camp
No Underwear Allowed Camp
Killing Sharks with Nerf Guns Camp
Weirdo Camp
Butt Camp (just in case you didn't get enough of Fart Camp), and
Wrestling With No Shirts On Camp


Sigh...........

A Writing Exercise

Once again I have landed myself in the hospital.  Long story short; I tripped, fell on my face, the scrapes became infected with cellulitis and here I am getting I.V. antibiotics.

To keep myself from begging the nurses for narcotics I have decided to choose a writing exercise. I like this one:
       "List five products your father used, or uses,  and write a longer piece about, at least, one of them. "

1) Swisher Sweets Cigars, that came in that red carboard box.













2) McDonald's Playland.

3)Brut Cologne














4)  Polaroid Camera











5) Morton's Salt and Pepper shaker
















I was born in 1970 and my brother was born in 1973. My mother and father got a divorce when I was just barely three years old. This action made my father a swinging single Dad, smack dab right in the middle of the Seventies.We spent every other weekend in his lackadaisical custody and his nappy headed daughter and snot-nosed son never slowed his MILF(mothers I like to F) hunting prowress. In fact it only greatly honed his skills.  We were used as bait.

My Dad would pick us up on a Friday night with a Swisher Sweet Cigar lodged in his mouth. Rarely smoked, just chomped upon. And thank G-d for that because when lit they smelled anything but sweet, gag. Once those extra large cigar boxes were emptied of cheap cigars they were filled with fishing gear, nails and paperclips, and change for the Benicia toll bridge, these littered the floor of his truck.  In his home the boxes were used to store pictures and receipts.

But I digress, when it was his weekend, he promptly picked us up and took us out to a fine Scottish dining establishment. McDonald's. But it had to have an outdoor Playland.

Once we parked his truck, with ladder on top, in the parking lot he would spit out his cigar and splash on some Brut cologne. Another completely offensive, yet comforting odor, from my childhood. I asked my Dad once how Brut cologne was made.  My father told me that it came from a special gnat's armpits in Europe.

For years this answer haunted me. Many a sleepless night I wondered how they extracted this exotic pheromone from a gnat's armpit. Did the cologne lab technicians put the tiny gnat on a crucifix with I.V. needles and tubing sticking out of his armpits, draining away the precious scent?  Or did they just catch the gnats with a very fine net, ground them with a mortar and pestle and then use a sieve to extract all liquids?  Was the special armpit scent so strong that it overpowered the other liquified body parts, or did they have to extract only that particular fluid? And if it was so labor intensive to gather this manly scent then why was it so cheap?

Anyways, we would get our Happy Meals and eat at the picnic tables in the McDonald's Playland. My Dad would generously sprinkle his french fries with the Morton's salt he kept in the glove compartment of his truck.

After eating our food Billy and I would take off to play and my Dad would start prowling. McDonald's was an excellent place for single Moms to take their kids after work on a Friday night. My Dad was pure genius for figuring this out, because he was usually the only single Dad there. My Dad would approach his victim and put his foot up on the bench where she was seated and then lean on his knee and start chatting her up. If she shot him down, or seemed disinterested, my Dad would just move onto the next single mom. He was shameless! The next victim could be sitting less than 2 feet away but that did not deter him.

By the time me and Bill were started to get bored or tired my Dad would have at least one set of digits from a fine young mom. And the topper? He would take a polaroid picture. Two polaroid pictures. One of the cute mom and her kids which he would give to her and then one of all of us (he would use the timer setting) and he would keep that one. When we were back in the truck my father would write her name, the names of her kids and her phone number on the back of the polaroid for future reference.
Genius.

If she was lucky he would call her up for a date on a weekend when he was missing the company of his kids.

World Autism Awareness Day

In the last year both of my sons have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders. ADHD and PDD are both on the spectrum. Please go to this link because I need to haul my flabby ass onto the treadmill at my gym. Even though I would love to sit here and explain it to you myself, skip the work-out and eat cookies, I just shouldn't.

Anyways, as I was saying. It's been a challenging year, and Hell it's only April 2nd!! My dear boys are receiving the help they need, and my family has access to amazing resources. Not all families are as fortunate.

April 2nd 2010, that is today, is World Autism Awareness Day . Now that you know this all you need to do is wear blue. That's it.

Dig out your favorite blue jeans and remember 1 out of 110 kids have an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

It's also my husband's 40th birthday so buy him a beer next time you see him.

Happy Easter to all that do the bunny/Jesus thing and I hope everyone had a nice Passover.

2009 Year in Review, for the Not Easily Offended

January 2009

*I hosted a kid-friendly New Year's brunch where we counted down to Noon instead of Midnight.

*My father-in-law turned 60 and a mess of in-laws came to town.

* I hosted over 50 people here for Super Bowl.

*The United States, in a moment of clarity, voted out the worst President we have ever had.

*The United States elected our first black man for President.

*I started this resolution of posting weekly less than 30 minutes Weight Watchers recipes. I lost interest in that though.

*Jake couldn't find his pacifier so he sucked on a dirty sock instead and feel asleep in his car seat.

Febuary 2009

*Jake becomes obsessed with wearing rain boots and biting. At one point he bit me on my ass and bit Erik's nuts. Ouch!!

*A blog post I wrote about Chandra Levy was published in an online newspaper.

*Everyone got the stomach bug and I ended up in the E.R. getting I.V. fluids. Jake also got a double ear infection and croup. Nobody was healthy for about 6 weeks, it sucked!!!!

*Since our Valentine's Day was spent cleaning up barf, Erik and I had a Valentine's Day date on President's Day weekend. Massages and dinner, very nice.

*I wrote a really nice post about my sister-in-law Auntie M. for her birthday. I love her.

*That crazy bitch Nadya Suleman gives birth to octuplets.

Ok these are just the first 2 months because I need to drag my fat butt to the gym. I will finish this up during the course of the next week. Erik is oncall New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, Jan. 2nd and Jan. 3rd, so I will have time to write.

Auntie M.'s Packing Fudge

Ok not really but I just love to good naturedly harass her. This fudge is amazing! Even though I love chocolate I don't particularly like fudge. But this fudge was amazing! And it had walnuts in it and I don't even like walnuts and I still ate it.



Next....FUDGE*

One bag of chocolate chips
3/4 bag of Butterscotch chips
One can of Sweetened Condensed Milk
One teaspoon of Vanilla
Walnuts or currants as desired...really whatever you want to add

Grease a casserole dish- sometimes I put it in a jello mold to make it into a wreath shape

Heat up the pot over low heat
Add chocolate chips, butterscotch, and sweetened milk
Mix together until melted and blended
Add vanilla and whatever else you want to such as walnuts
Pour right away into greased dish- will start to set immediately. Chill in fridge or in the freezer.
*Recipe written by Auntie M.

The Blessed Holidays

Damn this whole parenting gig is getting in the way of my blogging. Not to mention my quality of sleep, social life and mental health. But they are cute kids, and I have decided to keep them.

I apologize to my handful of readers for falling off the face of the blogosphere but once your youngest child gives up naps your life becomes even busier. Now that my holiday season is over I will try to find some more time for writing.

In my house we celebrate Hanukkah and it's already over. So now I can sit back and watch my friends who celebrate Christmas run around like maniacs, just like I was doing last week. And since my husband will be on-call New Year's Eve, New Year's Day AND January 2nd and 3rd, this is really the end of my holidays. But I am not going to start dieting until January, I have too many leftovers and treats to finish off.

I was going to hit the gym today, especially since my breakfast consisted of a turkey, cranberry and gravy sandwich with a side order of fudge. But after his soccer game my strong-willed 5 year old refused to go to the gym. Now usually I would have forcibly changed him out of his soccer uniform, strapped him into the van and told him that if his behavior gets me called out of my work-out then he will get no t.v. for 24 hours. But we had 32 people here last night and all three of my kids were up until 9:30pm. I know he is legitimately tired and that I shouldn't push my luck. So I sacrificed my work-out to stay home with him, and my husband took the other monkeys to the gym. I have more time during the week to work-out than my husband does so it's only fair.

In the last month since I have last blogged this is what has been going on:

*Auntie M had that jewelry party at her house and it was fun and I bought some pretty jewelry including a custom made necklace for my Mom, which I ordered behind her back as a gift.

*We hosted my mother-in-law's birthday here at my house and a Thanksgiving, and also had Thanksgiving at my Dad's in Sacramento. And Mike stepped in dog poop at my Dad's house. Without fail, when we go to a party, either my sons or my husband will step in dog poop. I just don't get it. I have stepped in dog poop maybe 3 times in my whole life, and so far my daughter has never stepped in dog poop!!

*We celebrated my daughter's birthday, our office manager's birthday, my birthday and my sister-in-law Amanda's birthday. The cutest girl in the world turned 4 years old and partied at Chuck E. Cheese. I got a mani/pedi and went to a Raiders game with my husband.

*My N.E.O. Mom's Club went out for a 1 year anniversary fondue dinner. And we roped a pregnant club member into being our designated driver.

* Went to the hospital Christmas party with my husband. Mostly a snooze fest but not as boring as past parties.

*And last week was totally insane. Hanukkah party, got new blinds installed, carpets cleaned, finished off gift shopping, our business practice's lunch, brought donuts and read a Hanukkah story to my 5 year old and my 3 year old's classroom, got up early Friday morning and made latkes for preschool party, and then Saturday (yesterday) I hosted 32 people at my house for a Hanukkah/Xmas party.

*And today my house is a disaster zone. I got the kitchen put back together and 3 loads of laundry done but the rest of the house is a mess, and we are over capacity for both the recycling and the garbage can. I gotta sneak some trash into our neighbor's cans.


A little gossip about last night. A step-nephew I haven't seen in awhile showed up with tattoos on his face and a pregnant girlfriend. Sigh. I only hope the best for them, of course, and the baby is going to be gorgeous, no doubt about that. It's just hard to wrap my brain around the fact that my step-brother is going to be a grandfather when he also has a 7 year old daughter and he is only a few years older than I am!

My kids actually have school Monday and Tuesday of this week even though the public schools don't. I am totally cool with that! Wednesday I am hosting a small cookie decorating party here at my house. Thursday will probably be movies and Chinese food, a Jewish Christmas tradition but Christmas day we have been invited to hang out with my brother-in-law's giant family.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!!!

"Mommy, What is Rich?" Dr. Karen Monroy

I have been fortunate enough to be allowed to read a yet to be released children's book. "Mommy, What is Rich?" by Dr. Karen Monroy. There are some excerpts and colorful illustrations, from the book on her website. This book ,written for small children, is perfect for my three kids ages 2-5 years old. The simple language conveys a very powerful message about the real value of wealth.

The young boy in, "Mommy, What is Rich?", asks his mother a series of questions about the definition of wealth, and how he can increase his. His mother's answers at first are obvious: family,friends, food, shelter and love, are all the richness you need. But the answers that I really loved, are less obvious. She took the time to point out that he is rich because of traits he already possesses: kindness, thoughtfulness, even his playfulness. What an excellent lesson to teach your child, that their innate positive personality traits are worth more than what is in their wallet.

Through the voice of the boy's mother, the author continues to explore the feeling of desire, as in acquiring more wealth. That the desire to acquire things is not a negative feeling, but it needs to be balanced with your love of life.

I look forward to actually owning this book when it's released. With the holidays approaching and the inevitable over-consumption of food and the gift exchanges, exploring the topic of real wealth, with my children, becomes even more relevant.

I seriously can't think of a title

Last Saturday Erik and I celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary with a day in Calistoga. The drive was amazingly scenic because of the fall colors. (Yes we do have fall colors in California!) I discovered one down-side to having a husband who does not have to commute to work; Erik has forgotten how to drive.

I kept slamming on an imaginary brake-pedal and eventually leaned back and closed my eyes. I wasn't resting ,I was praying, "Holy shit don't let him kill us!". What's even more amazing is that Erik's sister, Auntie M., is the best driver ever! I think she missed her calling as either a bacherlorette party planner or driving instructor.

Anyways we made it to Calistoga alive and had an awesome lunch at this place. This restaurant was at an actual resort which we decided we would stay at after we won the lottery. Totally not in our budget, but damn, it was gorgeous.

We walked around Calistoga a little bit and then went to a spa for bath treatments and massages. Erik went for the Volcanic Ash Bath and I chose a Lavender bath. These were done in a private bath-house for two. I am so immature that I can't say bath-house without giggling. And then we both got 60 minute massages.

I felt relaxed for the first time in weeks! This woman was really skillful and I felt great! Only thing is that she was a little small in stature with gigantic boobs. When she stood at the head of the table and went to rub down my upper back, well her boobs rested on my head. I opened my eyes in alarm and stared at the floor ,but the massage felt so good I quickly got over it.




Then I drove to Walnut Creek, where we met Auntie M., Uncle Chrissy and one of my several friends named Julie for dinner at Va de Vi. Excellent food and wine but towards the end we felt like we were being pushed out. For the amount of money I spent that day, they are lucky I didn't take off my pants and get really comfortable.



Weekend ended on a high note when Auntie M. calls the next day and asks if she can bring over a chicken enchilada casserole and if I can make a salad.............duh. Who would say no to that?!





I am not going to bore you with the details of my doctor's appointment, I am improving that's all.



I will also not give you all the details of my firstborn's horrible week at school. I will ramble on about that on my private blog. Just in case he does decide to run for president someday, I don't want people to not vote for him because they read on this blog that he was a complete spazz in Kindergarten.




And as of yesterday, all of us are vaccinated for the swine flu! I haven't felt this safe since Erik got his vasectomy. I feel like going out and licking shopping carts!!



H1N1 still struck close to home though, one of Erik's coworkers got it and now Erik is on call all weekend. Leaving me to do the solo mom thing. In fact I am writing this from our gym. I worked out, got to shower by myself, and am now enjoying the free WiFi. I have 15 minutes left before their time is up in the daycare. And roughly 3 hours before I can start drinking.

Thankfully I have a Raiders game to look forward to tomorrow. Raiderrrrrrrz! Hopefully Erik won't be too tired. Knock on wood is on call isn't too crazy tonight and that he can whip through his rounds in the morning. I am not a huge Raiders, or even a football fan, but nobody goes to a Raiders game to watch football. Oakland Raiders' games are all about beer, nachos, and fistfights. Raiders fans will even fight with each other. I have never been to a game where I didn't see somebody being led away in handcuffs. I went and saw the Raiders and a football game broke out. I crack myself up. Seriously, that's why I don't bring my kids! It's just going to be Erik and myself. My oldest would love to go but I told him he has to wait for his 18th birthday.

After we take BART home from the game then we will take the whole family to Auntie M. and Uncle Chrissy's house, for Uncle Chrissy's birthday party.

Our beloved Dr. Pants is in town with his wife from Madison, Wisconsin. We will see them Monday or Tuesday. Dr. Pants (nickname from his womanizing days) now has a P.h.d. to add to his M.D. I believe his area of expertise is Addiction medicine (wiping away tears of laughter and irony) One of these days he will actually finish school and get a real job. Just kidding! I LOVE his wife, a very cool, laid back chick and a real estate agent. Only bummer isthat they are not bringing their kids!! I understand they need a vacation but I wanted our kids to hang out. Maybe next time.

And next week is Halloween!!

Bucket Head

I have a couple of numbers to share with you. At least 14 different people have recommended a leash/safety harness for my son Michael. And at least 11 different people have asked me, "Hey, do you remember that movie Parenthood? You know the one with Steve Martin?". And I say, "Yes" (and I know what's coming next.) "Your son Jake totally reminds of that kid from that movie with the bucket on his head!". I totally agree. The blond curls, the disarming smile, his lack of intelligible speech and the missing link qualities of his daily activities.

And I swear to you I did not set up this picture series on purpose!!! The little monkey came up to me with a bucket on his head today and I scrambled around like a maniac looking for my camera, and praying that there was battery charge and memory space. I got lucky!!! (Please excuse the condition of my house we live like slobs)

Ok I added the trailer to the movie Parenthood just in case you aren't following me. And I apologize ahead of time for the length of this trailer. "Dude, what length you ask it's 2 minutes and 35 seconds long?." "Yeah I know but my attention span is about 90 seconds and I refuse to watch videos longer than 2 minutes. And my friends send me videos and I lie and say that was great." And they are like," Really, because it was a snuff film?" And then I have to say, " Oh I must have missed that part. " .

Anyways Steve Martin is a comedic genius and Mary Steenburgen, she's so pretty, like the perfect mom. I hate Keanau Reeves but his role in this movie was quality.