Friday, November 19, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

I was reminded by an actual live person this morning that I have a blog. And she read it, and I think she liked it. Except for my re-post of the guest blogger. So that encouraged me to come home and, well.....instead of writing something new, due to time constraints, I am publishing a piece I know people have enjoyed. Happy Thanksgiving!


That's right, just in case you are new to this blog you may have missed the fact that I am going to go see Chelsea Handler live this weekend. No kids. Good friends, good food, potent alcohol and a night in a fancy hotel. I am not going to tell you where Chelsea is playing, what night she is playing or what hotel I am staying at..........just in case I have a stalker. I will give you a review when I come home, and after I have recovered.

Please don't waste your time getting too jealous of me. I deserve this. I adore my life, at home with my 3 kids and managing the household but I need a break sometimes to keep up my sense of humor.

This week for instance I was convinced my kids had Swine Flu. What a coincidence they would get sick after a visit from my brother and his wife who live in San Diego, right next to Swine Flu central. Fortunately it turns out to be nothing but a couple of common colds and ear infections. So I dope them up with vitamins and amoxycillin and we head to the mall.

For years I could wear the same clothes over and over again but once you hit motherhood you actually need new clothes. I am not talking about maternity clothes, that's obvious, but you actually get too big for some clothes and too small for other clothes as you lose your baby fat and don't get me started on what happens to your ever-changing shoe size. Then your kids will actually gnaw on and tear your clothing and stain your favorite outfits with who knows what. So I am not exaggerating when I say I need a couple of new outfits.

Taking a 2, 3 and 4 year old to the mall is usually one of my least favorite things to do but somebody has to do it. And the fact that I managed to find a $48 skirt for $18 is worth a little pain.

As soon as we get to Macy's Bekah and Mike find a sofa and sit down. I am stunned! I expect them to stay with me but not actually sit and behave. This is looking really good. I am super happy. Jake is in the stroller munching on Cheerios and I actually find a skirt and 2 shirts right away. My luck is improving. I ask Mike and Bekah to follow me to a different part of the store and they listen, and they stay with me.

As I rummage around looking for a pair of jeans that will make my legs look thin, I hear a voice ask, "What brand of stroller is that?". I look up and see a cute mom with 2 girls. So I tell her the brand and then she just stares at me. I recognize the look on her face. It's the please talk to me and don't make me go home by myself and be alone with small children look. I know that feeling, I don't want to abandon her in her time of need, but I am working on borrowed time here. My kids are behaving and who knows how long that's going to last. But I can't leave her. So I ask, "How far apart are your girls?" Less than 2 years apart.

I knew it. Us moms that have kids less than 2 years apart can find each other anywhere. Across a crowded room with rainbows and hearts coming out of our eyes. She didn't know that was the reason she was talking to me because she is right in the middle of it, but I knew. Her youngest is 3 months old and her oldest just turned 2 years old. Now I was torn. I had a mission, find some clothes that didn't make me look fat, feed my kids, and get home in time for naptime. But now I just found an overwhelmed mom in the mall who needs company. So I took a deep breath and talked to her for a few minutes. As soon as Jake started throwing Cheerios everywhere and trying to wipe his boogers on clothes, and Mike really wanted to kiss her sleeping 3 month old, (which is sweet but germy), and Bekah was getting jealous that I was talking to other little girls, it was time to pull the plug.

I headed to the dressing room. In the past I have grabbed clothes, bought them, and then tried them on at home, and then returned the ones that don't fit. But I am feeling brave and we get the giant dressing room that is fully enclosed so nobody can sneak under the stall walls. Macy's is having a massive sale so the dressing rooms are packed with women.

Once in the dressing room I actually let Jake out to run around since it's fully enclosed and I start to disrobe.

"Mommy, I see your panties."

"Of course you do, I just took off my pants.". I could have sworn I heard a giggle outside our stall. I take off my shirt.

"Mommy you're fat."


"Mommy you're fat", Bekah chimes in, she has to do everything Michael does.

"Bekah and Michael, that's not nice."

"But Mommy you are fat." Now I can definitely hear laughing outside our dressing room.

"Ok that's enough you are lowering my self-esteem.". More snickers
"What's self-esteem?"

"You are making me feel bad about myself by calling me fat."

"But you are fat.". More laughter. Sigh.

"You are fat because you had 3 babies in your pouch." Ok somebody actually snorted. They laughed hard enough to snort.

"Like a kangaroo." Bekah chimes in.

"I didn't have 3 babies at once and it's not a pouch, it's a tummy.". And I don't care how much I work out and lose weight and do sit-ups I do, I still have a pouch of skin around my belly-button.

So now Mike takes this opportunity to grab that excess skin and try to fold it into a taco and start kissing it. And saying,

"But Mommy your tummy is so cute and soft and cuddly and you had babies inside it, mwah, mwah, mwah "(those are kissy sounds).

At this exact moment Jake realizes that the door only locks on the inside and he can leave this joint. So he turns the handle and starts to open the dressing room door,


I lunge at the door just in time and slam it shut with the palm of my hand. In the meantime I knock over Mike and Jake has grabbed my leg and is trying to bite me.

"Jake no biting!" Nobody is trying to hide their laughter now and I want to dissappear.
I slam the stroller in front of the door and lock all 4 brakes.

"Mommy you pushed me down!"

"I didn't push you down, I tripped over you because you were standing right on top of me!"

"Get off the floor and go sit next to your sister! Look how good Bekah is."

"She is licking the mirror."

"Bekah! Don't lick the mirror, that is disgusting!"

I have managed to get my clothes back on and Jake has figured out he can't move the stroller away from the door and he is in a screaming rage. Nobody is laughing now. I have to wrestle him back into the stroller and that is like wrestling with a midget on PCP.

I am sweating as I back the stroller out of the dressing room and nobody will look me in the eye as they all try not to laugh.

At this point I still have to buy my clothes, feed the kids, do naptime, pay work bills, clean house, laundry, dinner, bathtime and bedtime.

Do you see why I think I deserve a night out?!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Guest Blogger: Billy Bob Neck

Ha, I am so damn proud!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Billy Bob Neck ended up on the Rachel Maddow Show this evening. But I can say that I knew him when.  When he guest blogged on my mediocre blog and received sparse comments. Which I loved, because that means I finally offended my followers. Think tongue in cheek, think "in character" like Stephen Colbert.

Guest Blogger Billy Bob Neck is too computer stupid to have been able to post this himself so he asked me to do it for him, hence: don't shoot the messenger.

9/11 - What So Proudly We Hailed

Eight years ago, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein unleashed the most evil attack the world had ever seen. No one knows why they did it. It came outta left field, a completely random act of hatred and violence. Using Iraq and Iran as a secret base, they cooked up a plot they hoped would put the nail in the coffin of a country the rest of the world looks up to for guidance, strength and as a role model of freedom and democracy - the United States of America.

But it didn't work.

Sure, America had got fat, lazy and stupid over the previous eight years. Just look at the president we had. If it hadn't been for God's ever watchful eye, Bill Clinton woulda destroyed the United States all on his own. We turned into a country of corrupt, drug-using, homo-loving, Internet addicted adulterers. Clinton couldn't even find a good war to keep the military sharp! And so America followed the "president's" lead and curled up in front of with a pile of cocaine and a chubby Jewess. Oh, sure, every now and again someone would question whether this policy of tune-in, turn-on and drop-out was wise but as soon as they started to get the message to the general public, Hellery's squad of lesbian domestic terrorists quickly killed the messenger. Our military, once full of proud, strong, manly MEN ready to jump on a grenade to save a regiment or romance a girl at a USO canteen, deteriorated to a nest of leather-clad S&M homos taking pictures of themselves engaged in the most vile acts ever imaginable.
Forced homo sex was common during "President" Clinton's term.
President Bush made it a top priority to stop homo sex in the military.
Our intelligence agencies fell apart, too. Under a Republican president, the FBI and the CIA woulda seen this coming down the pike and quickly moved to stop it. Instead, they were used to cover up TravelGate, find whores for the "president", start trouble in Africa and investigate and terrorize godly people and organizations like The Army of God.

Maybe they did it just cuz by the end of the Clinton "presidency" America had a great big sign on its back that said "Kick me".
At the end of "President" Clinton's administration, much
of the world thought that America, once proud and strong
had become a joke.
So on 9/11/01, they did.

Have you ever banged your funny bone? Y'all probably know that it ain't a bone and it ain't funny. It stings real bad and your arm feels kinda paralyzed and you wonder if your gonna be able to use it again but a couple of seconds later it's good as new. That's the whole of the effect that 9/11 had on America. We got stung, but not for long and we are back and kicking towelhead butt all over the Middle East! There was a lot of people who wanted America to live in a perpetual state of fear - they wanted the terrorists to win. But like Ronald Reagan - we don't got nothing to fear except fear!
Today, the dumbo-crats focus on the past. What could have been done to prevent it? How could it have happened? Why didn't President Bush stop it? Who was behind it all? And most important - how do we make this President Bush's fault? That kinda thing is called living in the past and it don't do no one no good. We gotta saying from where I come from - Whenever you point a finger, you got three fingers pointing back atcha. Lie-beral would do well to remember that before they open their big, fat, foul, lying, deceitful, slanderous, traitorous anti-American mouths.
The four pointing fingers of the lie-beral defeato-crat will never beat
the four points of the cross on which our savior was crucifed or even
the Holy Trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost. When will they understand
Instead, let's take this time to reflect on the good things and be proud of America!

Stock Market - When the stock market opened again on 9/17 it had fallen 684 points to 8920. At the end of the week it fell to 7551. Where is it now? Lemme tell you, it was higher when President Bush was president ! You towelheads wanna try to destroy our economy? Nice try, God-haters! I'm sure the lie-berals will find something bad about that.
Jobs - Since 2003, 8,000,000 new jobs got created. That's 8,000,000 new jobs. 8,000,000 of 'em! That's no small number. Since the election of a commie muslim president, the job numbers have done nothing but go down. Why ain't nobody making this connection? Thousands of kids found a new and fulfilling career in the United States Military. Military service is one of the first things that an employer looks for when they hand you a job application to fill out. These boys got a jump on everyone else! With Barack HUSSEIN Obama trying to put the army out of bidness, employment's gonna keep falling.

Security - Sometimes you need a catastrophe to point out the weak spots. During Katrina we found out that Negroes would rather spend their money on frivolous entertainment than on good reliable transportation. Now that we know that, we can start teaching them the need for having a car. With 9/11, we learned that "President" Clinton's "don't ask don't tell" policy also applied to policing the border. Anyone and everyone could just waltz on into the US regardless of their intent to destroy it. The fact that the FAA, under "President" Clinton's allowed deadly weapons on board airplanes points out just how badly the country was run. Whole cosmetic cases full of potential WMDs flew unchecked. Why do you think the favorite shampoo of terrorists was "Head and Shoulders"? How many phone calls from Buffalo to Baghdad went unchecked that updated Saddam on the sinister and ultimately unsuccessful plot to destroy America?

Morals - Some quick points to consider. Since 9/11
  • Islam is no longer considered as a "peaceful" religion. This has caused many former Islams to find Jesus Christ as their personal savior. This might never have happened without 9/11.
  • The fight against homo marriage intensified with many states passing anti-homo-marriage laws. A lotta folks see this as a return to God teaching from Genesis on that marriage is between a man and a woman.
  • The number of abortions since 9/11 steadily decreased. Americans understand that if we are to win this thing then every man will be needed and killing pre-borns is not only a sin against God but anti-American, too.

There's literally hundreds of thousands of examples of how our country took the lemons of 9/11 and made sweet, tasty lemonade that even Grandma would be proud to sip in the shade of a tree on a hot summer day.

So on this 9/11 Day, as we pause to honor the memory of the thousands of American men, women and pre-borns killed as the towers crumpled into the streets of Manhattan under the planes of terrorists and the hand of God, let's remember that it took a man of President Bush's stature and vision to bring the United States back from the brink of destruction to a place of almost unheard of prosperity and goodwill.

Are you gonna let a left-handed, commie, socialist, non-US citizen destroy all that? Barak HUSSEIN Obama wants to turn our government into a divisive instrument of partisanship. And that's why we gotta impeach him now!

God Bless America!

God is Love!