Spring Holidays with Special Needs Kids

As our bodies adjust to the time change our minds start thinking about celebrating, and/or enduring, the spring holidays.  The excitement and chaos of any holiday brings challenges along with joy to the parents of special needs kids.  


I grew up with Easter but now celebrate Passover in my family. I converted to Judaism when I got married and honestly Easter is the only holiday I miss. I hope I can offer some useful tips on de-sensitizing some of the traditional festivities. 


I may be using some vocabulary that is unfamiliar so I will offer links to definitions instead of verbose explanations. 


Easter Bunny: 
Everyone has a vision of their children in their Sunday finest perched on the lap of the Easter Bunny. But even for typically developing children this can be a scary experience. Practicing is best. Sounds silly I know but showing your kids pictures of the Easter Bunny and walking through the experience with words and pictures is the best way to give them a heads up, and to let you know what issues could arise. Finding a low traffic time to visit the bunny at the mall, and of course offering a treat as soon as they slide off his lap will sweeten the deal, and give the Grandparents a picture worth framing. 


Easter Egg Dyeing: 
Even an hard-boiled egg can be fragile in the hands of a child with a deficit in fine motor skills. When I was a child we just had the dyes and that thin metal tool used to hold the egg as we dipped into the colored water. And my mother added apple cider vinegar to the dyes to help them set better. That tool was hard to manage and I can't imagine using vinegar anywhere near my son with Sensory Processing Disorder.  He has the sense of smell of a wolf and would recoil at that strong scent. There are so many great alternatives to dyes.  Stickers, markers, a crayon used on a still warm egg. Or you can just use plastic eggs filling them with stickers and candy to avoid a choking incident. 


Easter Egg Hunt:
This stresses me out just thinking about it! The noise, the scrambling about frantically, the competitiveness, it's a recipe for a world class meltdown. You are brave if you attempt a community egg hunt, but I suggest a fun hunt at home. How do you avoid the fights and disappointment over who found more eggs? Set aside an equal amount for each kid and write their initial on it with a Sharpie. Or one kid gets all the eggs with the red star stickers and their sibling gets the gold star sticker eggs. Hide them according to their skill level.  My sons can't find an elephant in a phone booth but my daughter is more determined. For wheelchair bound children hiding eggs among table tops in plastic grass gives them an advantage. My grandfather would hide eggs as cleverly as he could and in mid July would find the ones we missed, he would just follow his nose. Trade the kids candy for their hard-boiled eggs and make deviled eggs to avoid misplaced stink bombs. 


Easter Church Services: 
While doing research for this article I found an excellent blog post about worshipping with your special needs child. Her suggestions and gentle words are fantastic and I really can't offer more without plagiarizing the author. 


Passover Seder:
If you are unfamiliar with what a Seder is you can read the above link or I can give you a very brief definition. A Seder is a meal where you sit and read from a book called a Haggadah. Yes sitting with an ASD or ADHD child for more than an hour while you read from a book does sound awful doesn't it?  But there are plenty of opportunities during the ritual to engage your child. When you first arrive, or if you are brave enough to be hosting, set aside a time that your child, all children present, can get their wiggles out. Weather permitting take them outside and run them, or have a room set aside for them to dance and move. 


The Seder Table:
It is customary to set the table as beautiful as you can for Passover,  but fine china and  vases of flowers just don't mix with active children. This is when the holiday tradition of a kids table is of utmost importance. Target now carries lots of  plastic Passover tableware. 


Passover Foods:
Bitter herbs, horseradish roots, hard-boiled eggs, Gefilte fish are common on the Seder table. But these foods aren't popular with picky eaters. Putting some kid friendly snacks on the table for them to munch will keep them at the table longer. And having them sniff those strong foods ahead of time will help desensitize them to the ick factor. 


The Haggadah:
Now that we are seated the real challenge begins, keeping them in their seat, or at least in the room so you can participate. Kid friendly Haggadahs do exist this is the one we use. Less words and more pictures, even the adults appreciate it. Twice during the ritual guests are asked to wash their hands, but instead of everyone getting up and rushing to the sinks, get your most active child to be the hand-washing representative. He can symbolically wash his hands for everyone. The story of the exodus has many exciting scenes that can be re-enacted by your energetic child. The parting of the sea, jumping like a frog, building a pyramid out of blocks. And if they are readers they of course can take turns reading with adult help. 


Yachatz:
Like Easter, Passover has a hide and seek tradition. This time it is with a matzoh instead of an egg. Hiding half of the broken matzoh according to your child's skill level is best to avoid a meltdown. Maybe a game of hot and cold to help them locate it can speed up the process. 


Singing and Communal Prayer:
My son calls it creepy and loud. And my other son gets the giggles. Bringing ear plugs for the singing will dull down the volume, and lucky them maybe completely drown out their tone deaf Uncle. A week ahead of time, practicing the Passover songs will get more participation, instead of hiding under the table with their hands over their ears. 




Whatever holiday you celebrate this season I hope these tips will help and I hope you have a wonderful time. 

The Most Priceless Gift

 February 14^th, Valentine's Day, a day of hearts, cupids, candy, a day of unrealistic expectations and disappointment. This day reminds me of the joy of being pregnant. All the fantasies you have of giving birth to a ballerina, a rock star, a world class athlete or the person who cures cancer. When you hold your son or daughter for the first time, so excited and so proud, never in a million years did you think that you would ever send them to school on a shorter than average bus.

Often when we are pregnant we are lucky to share that pregnancy with another couple. How exciting to plan future camping trips together, maybe our kids will end up being married to each other and we will be family. A friend of mine bought our soon to be born kids matching teddy bears with their names engraved on the bellies of the bears. I never see them anymore. We used to go to all their parties, and then kid's birthday parties. But I saw the pictures from the recent party on Facebook, and we weren't invited.

When my oldest was a baby he belonged to a regularly scheduled playgroup. As he grew older and his ADHD became more obvious. And I had 2 more kids, one with Autism, it got harder to attend this playgroup. But I always responded to the emails, and I was so happy when I could get all of us there even if my youngest didn't last long. Suddenly the emails stopped coming. I checked my spam folder and saw nothing. I let it go. I saw this group at a park and they look so ashamed.

Having kids lets you know who your real friends are, whether your kids are typically developing or have special needs. Now I only gravitate to friends who support me and the struggles I have with my kids. The friends who share in the choices I make, and the joys of small successes. I don't bother with people who act like my kids are contagious or are just “naughty”.

With the prevalence of Autism in our society these parents are going to find it harder and harder to shield their children from “different” children. I am sad and disappointed to think that people I considered close friends are raising their children to be intolerant. And being the parents of special needs kids we really don't have the time to coddle those who don't “get it”. To hold your hand, while you decide whether my family is worth your time and effort. I know it's important to educate others but I don't have the time to do that if my son is getting ready to run out into the street.

Real friends, and loving family take the time to educate themselves, to ask questions, to reserve judgment and just be there. These cherished people offer an attentive ear, an open mind and a big hug. The most priceless gift you can receive for Valentine's Day, or any other day of the year, is to know that you are loved and supported. Chocolate doesn't hurt either.

Eyes on the Prize

I realize it's been awhile. I started blogging way back when all three kids still napped and we haven't had a real nap around here since my youngest was 2 years old and now he is almost 5!  I promise to add more content to my blog this year.  As well as carving more time for working out and not eating like a pig. I have a wedding cruise to attend in May and I don't want to be all matronly looking. 

In the meantime I got myself a job. A once a month gig writing for a newsletter for an agency that offers services to kids with Autism. I will not name the agency here just in case anything I have written here pisses anyone off.  This is my kind of job too! Once a month effort and I get paid in beer. Below is my first endeavor, it's rated G but enjoy anyways. 

"First let me introduce myself. My name is Charlotte Gracer and I am a stay-at-home mother to 3 kids. My oldest son is 7 years old and was diagnosed at the age of 5 years old with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. My youngest son is 4 years old and was diagnosed with Autism before age 3, and just recently we added ADHD to make life more fun. I also have a 6 year old daughter who is typically developing, and very sassy. I'm also responsible for a 41 year old husband and a 6-toed cat.

I am in no way an expert on parenting, in any form, and I am not even being paid to write this. I am merely sharing my experiences, and if anything I share makes you feel less alone, or better about your choices, than my job here has purpose.

The experts in this newsletter will be educating you about establishing changes in behavior and the minimum amount of time that takes for a change to stick. An excruciating 6 weeks. If you want to learn, read her article, I am just here because misery enjoys company.

As I am writing this we are smack dab in the middle of Regression Time, or Winter Break. But this year I was much smarter than last, when I thought the Fall would be an excellent time to start potty-training. Wrong. Just when we would get the youngest using the potty, it would be time for Thanksgiving Break. Loads of laundry later, he would go back to school, and tons of success. Then Winter Break. Laundry, carpets cleaned, van detailed, then we are back in school and back on track. Well I guess you can see a pattern here. It wasn't until after MLK day, and Spring break where we finally had a nice, solid, chunk of time for him to get the routine down pat. Including wiping his own butt!!

This year I was smart enough to realize that if we can just maintain behaviors, expect some regression, and not launch into any new challenges then we are golden. The key, for our family, was to maintain as much of a normal, consistent schedule as we possibly could during the holidays. Which is hard, I know. We let them stay up 30 minutes later, but the bedtime routine was exactly the same. And if they had a late night then we would try our hardest to make the next day, or next evening mellow.

This habit of sticking to our routine has rewarded us with only minimal backsliding in behavior. My daughter has been whining a bit more, I can tell my oldest is a little anxious because he will ask me continually what we are doing that day, and my youngest has started his screaming again. But just a little screaming, and only twice in public. I will take what I can get.

Now it's back to school time. Back to established bedtimes, back to homework, back to not putting whipped cream in my coffee every morning. I have made a New Year's resolution to lose weight. So I am all too aware that I have 6 torturous weeks of changing my eating habits to look forward. Well after these wonderful holidays it's going to be more like detox. No more beer, bacon and cookies. But I have been down this road before, and I know if I can make it through the 6 weeks it takes to change my behavior, I will re-establish a habit of healthy eating. I need to keep my eyes on the prize. Just in time for the heart shaped boxes of chocolate of Valentine's Day to tempt me back into regression. "

KGO-The Loss of a Local Landmark

On December 1st 2011 the bay area lost a landmark. Every body's favorite news talk radio station completely disemboweled themselves and fired the majority of their popular talk-show hosts.  With no warning at all. No warning to their staff and no warning to their loyal listeners.  This blog post by a media insider explains it best. 


I realize I just lost some readers who cannot understand why I would write about something so silly as a radio station changing their format, but this station was over 30 years old.  I am 41 years old, as of today, and I have been listening to this station since I was a child. It has been a constant, just like watching Saturday Night Live or The Simpsons. You tune in and they are there, always. KGO was a landmark of the bay area. 


KGO fired all of their talent and now just do news 24/7, with the exception of their 9a-Noon program, which I will discuss later. (grumble, grumble). The bay area is a diverse, even eclectic micro-climate of micro-climates. You can visit the beach and then some snow, in one day, if there is a light dusting on our bay area mountain peaks. You can witness the Tea Party of Contra Costa County and visit a Nuclear Free Zone in Berkeley, all in one day.  The former KGO was a perfect example of this diversity. You may not like every host, agree with every host, but they were real people with real opinions and they were all the best of the industry. And now they are gone. The station is now generic news. Generic does not represent anything about the bay area. 


But wait, not all of their talk show hosts are gone! We still have Ronn Owens from 9am-Noon. Who is currently on vacation for two weeks so don't bother tuning in to him yet.  On the first day of this format he pleaded with his listeners to give the new format a chance and he said he would set aside some time for people to call in and discuss this drastic change. Uhm, 20 minutes of call in time. Over 30 years of content and we get 20 minutes of grieving time. I have always been a huge fan of Ronn Owen's until Friday December 2nd.  His "concern" was so insincere, so contrived. When a caller started to bemoan the loss of all those talented hosts Ronn Owens actually said, "You still have me.". He just doesn't get it. KGO is not just Ronn Owens, it was a total package. 


Now the package has been ripped to shreds and will soon completely disintegrate. I am not being overly dramatic, in the wake of this horrible business move made by Cumulus quite a few Facebook and twitter accounts have sprung anew lamenting the loss of our local talent. We are peons next to this corporate giant but our pleas are not futile.  Some sponsors have already suspended their accounts;
        Thank you so much for writing and I guess taking a look at the Gene
Burns/KGO page on our website. We are just as shocked as you and just as
upset. I am the advertising agency for both Just Remnants and Burgermeister.
All advertising on KGO for both clients was suspended at 9:00 am this
morning.

I was one of the first advertisers to recognize the genius of Gene Burns
some 16 years ago.
I am heartbroken after a 37 year relationship with KGO and a 50 + year
relationship with Mickey Luckoff and a 16 year personal relationship with
Gene.

Jerry

And angry loyal fans are pressuring other advertisers to do the same. 

KGO will never be the same but if they work hard to hire back their dearly missed hosts, and go back to the format we loved, we may just be able to forgive them.