Why Moms Can't Go To The Bathroom

Or take a shower, or pay some bills, etc. Usually when I take a shower at home when all 3 kids are present I leave out some snacks for them so they don't harass me. Because they have no problem barging into the bathroom and start begging for food while I am naked.

So I usually just put out this cupcake pan and fill it with snacks so they can help themselves. There is something for everyone in there: diced oatmeal cookies, cheerios and graham crackers, diced strawberries, diced apples, diced mozzarella cheese, and pretzels. Doing stuff like this makes me feel like a good little stay-at-home-mom. Everyone is happy! I get to shower with minimal harassment and they get to eat yummy snacks.

But today I just had to go to the bathroom. That's all. I wasn't even in there that long and everyone left me alone. Mike and Bekah were putting their clothes on in front of some cartoons, and well Jake was being quiet.

Jake was being too quiet. I left the bathroom to find him on the kitchen table chewing on apples. Not eating them, just chewing on them, spitting out the pieces and then throwing them on the floor.

I know exactly what happened, he was cruising along playing with that pink Care Bear and saw the sippy cup of water. So he decided to climb up there and get a drink and lo and behold a bowl full of apples.





Oh look there is another apple in front of the fridge. He threw that one pretty far.

The little monster is actually saying, "Cheese".

His cuteness is his best defense against child abuse.

I Hate Prop 8

So today started off pretty awesome with a Hispanic woman being picked as a nominee, for our nation's Supreme Court. But then civil rights took a step backwards just as quickly as it progressed.



The horribly hateful Proposition 8 was upheld by California's Supreme Court. 6-1. To quote my brother Brandon, that is "6 justices who don't believe in civil rights.". I was angry and disappointed, but I turned off the television, and had a nice playdate with a friend and her adorable son. Then comes naptime, and my computer time, and now I am really angry after reading an article on S.F. Gate.

These are the paragraphs in particular that made me angry:



Among the first to go were Shawn Higgins and Robert Franco of San Francisco. The two men, who said they are engaged to marry, had stood for about an hour in the intersection calmly kissing while demonstrators all around them screamed, "Prop. 8 will go down, San Francisco (is a) big queer town" and other slogans.

Damn straight San Francisco is a big queer town! (excuse the pun) And don't you forget it! Who let the Prop 8 supporters over the bridges?!



Jorge Riley, 31, of Sacramento also got up early to make the drive to San Francisco to hoist his sign reading, "Gay = Pervert."

Seriously?! What a hateful, horrible person.

This is a civil rights issue, plain and simple. If you do not agree with me please do not read my blog, do not leave any comments on my blog, and do not follow my blog. Quietly go and unfollow me. And tell your friends not to read my blog. I am too angry and disgusted to be diplomatic right now.

I think rioting is completely warranted. I know that is a shocking statement, but think about it. Somebody is telling you that you can't get married. Think really hard about that........you can't marry the person you love. Wouldn't you feel outraged? Hurt? Demeaned? Feel less than a second class citizen? I would.

I want to take to the streets but I am ashamed to admit that I get caught up in the logistics of whose going to watch my kids while I am in jail. And honestly I don't want my kids around those hateful, ignorant Prop. 8 supporters. They frighten me, so I am sure they would frighten my kids.

This is the part of that article that gave me hope:

While some police officers kept watch from the outside of the protest circle, about 10 officers were positioned inside. Each of those 10 officers are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, said Lt. Lea Militello of the Tenderloin Station.


"Absolutely it affects me. I got married in October," she said.


Police Sgt. Carl Tennenbaum said the officers on the scene ranged from gay to conservative, and many had to say they had "mixed feelings would be putting it mildly." However, he said, "You just have to set the issues aside and do your job."

Maybe when supporters of Prop. 8 see that this truly affects "normal" citizens like police officers, they will begin to change their minds. I say this because I am under the impression that many supporters of this hateful legislation have only experienced stereotypes of homosexuals. They are not aware that gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals and transgender people come from every walk of life. So I believe we will have a chance to put this on the ballot again and make justice and equality for everyone.

A New Classic Rock Station For Your Memorial Day BBQs

So the other day I was driving Bekah and Jake home after picking Bekah up from preschool and dropping Mike off at Pre-K. I put on the smooth jazz station which makes me want to stick ice-picks in my ears, but it's great for putting Jake to sleep. Instead of a whiny saxophone or cheesy keyboard music I heard Lynryd Skynrd. Sweet!

103.7 The Band, is the name of the new station and I know we already have The Bone and KFOG, but it certainly beats anymore Christian, Country, or Mexican radio stations. That's not a slam on Christians, Cowboys or Mexicans, just their music.

So have a rockin' Memorial Day, and turn it up.

Memorial Day 2009

Here is something that might shock you; I am both fiercely patriotic and spiritual. I know you just thought I was a hedonistic, smart-ass liberal. And I am. But I also love my country, the men and women that fight for my country, and I have my own complicated relationship with G-d.

I went searching for the perfect prayer for Memorial Day that would be all inclusive. I wanted something that honored men and the women of our military, that was generic of faith, and that wasn't choked with archaic language. I am not sure if I found all of that in the following prayer, but what I did find gave me goosebumps from my head to my toes.



"A Soldier's Prayer" - anonymous Submitted by the Rev. Daniel Schatz

(This poem by an unknown writer was found in the desert during the battle of El Agheila, in Tunisia, December 14th, 1942.)

Stay with me God.
The night is dark, The night is cold:
my little spark Of courage dies.
The night is long;
Be with me God, and make me strong.

I love a game; I love a fight.
I hate the dark; I love the light,
I love my child; I love my wife.
I am no coward. I love Life,

Life with its changes of mood and shade.
I want to live. I'm not afraid,
But me and mine are hard to part;
Oh, unknown God, Lift up my heart.

You stilled the waters at Dunkirk
And saved Your Servants.
All Your work Is wonderful, Dear God.
You strode Before us down that dreadful road.

We were alone and hope had fled;
We loved our country and our dead,
And could not shame them; so we stayed
The course, and were not much afraid.

Dear God, that nightmare road!
And then That sea !
We got there - we were men.
My eyes were blind, my feet were torn,
My soul sang like a bird at dawn !

I knew that death is but a door.
I knew what we were fighting for:
Peace for the kids, our brothers freed,
A kinder world, a cleaner breed.

I'm but the son my mother bore,
A simple man and nothing more.
But - God of strength and gentleness,
Be pleased to make me nothing less.

Help me,
Oh God, when Death is near
To mock the haggard face of fear,
That when I fall - if fall I must -
My soul may triumph in the Dust.



Happy Memorial Day! Have fun, get some rest, and take time to remember our fallen soldiers that fought for your right to eat bbq burgers, and drink ice cold beer on a Monday.

New Charges For Melissa Huckaby

Thursday, March 21, almost 2 months after 8 year old Sandra Cantu went missing, her alleged killer was charged with 3 new crimes.

Melissa Huckaby is due in a San Joaquin County courtroom today to hear these 3 felony counts. Huckaby will be charged with a single count of child endangerment and two felony counts of furnishing a harmful substance, poisoning. She is alleged to have poisoned an unidentified 7 year old girl and an adult man. Both of them recovered. The poisoning of the little girl was to have occurred on Jan. 17 2009, and even though it was reported to the Tracy police, it was unfortunately dismissed.

The adult male, the other alleged poisoning victim, is Daniel Plowman, and currently can't be located. With the judge's gag order placed on this trial, even if Daniel Plowman was located, he is not allowed to comment on his experience.

So far each chapter in this horrible story raises more questions than answers. Why would a single mother and Sunday school teacher be poisoning a playmate of her daughter and a male neighbor? Was Melissa Huckaby's own daughter abused by her? If a thorough investigation of the poisoning of the unidentified 7 year old, had been completed, would Sandra Cantu still be alive? Why did Huckaby kidnap and rape Sandra Cantu and dump her body in a pond? How could we have prevented this from happening?

It's highly likely that with an insanity defense Melissa Huckaby will not be sentenced to death. I hope that we can use the remainder of her life to study exactly what went wrong, so that nothing like this will ever happen again.

A Weekly Weight Watcher's Menu

Ok so I am trying to get back on the Weight Watchers wagon this week due to some chick thinking I was pregnant last weekend.

I am proud of myself because I have been sticking to it, and I have been to the gym 3 days in a row. I will go ahead and post my menu for the whole week below. I will fill in the recipes later and tell you if they tasted good or not. According to Weight Watchers I am supposed to eat 23 points a day but I have 35 extra points a week to use and exercise gives you some extra points too.

Monday
Dinner (I already posted breakfast and lunch earlier in this week)
An indescribable chicken and veggie soup. It was like a Mexican Minestrone. It was based on Weight Watcher's 0 points veggie soup but I had to add chicken for my husband the carnivore and beans and rice for me. I cant' do their 0 points soup because I am hungry 5 minutes after eating it and then I get a headache. But with the chicken, beans and rice it only bumped up the soup to 2 points for a giant bowl.

Tuesday
Breakfast= 1 pancake with butter only and a banana= 4 points
Lunch= Leftover soup from Monday
Snack= whole wheat mini bagel with 2 Tbs. of Lite Veggie Cream cheese= 4 points (eaten before going to the gym)
Dinner= Grilled Teriyaki chicken, grilled asparagus, grilled pineapple and brown rice (I didn't grill the rice). I just dumped some Teriyaki sauce over some chicken breasts early in the morning and let it thaw throughout the day. (Ken's Teriyaki marinade is pretty tasty). I grilled the chicken for roughly 4-5 minutes per side, by then the coals had cooled down a little so the pound of very thin and trimmed asparagus took about 4 minutes a side. The pineapple rings (straight from a can with juice not heavy syrup) I grilled on the very outside of the grill and they take about 2 minutes per side. I put salt and pepper on the pineapple (don't knock it until you have tried it). The asparagus I just poured some more Teriyaki sauce over it and those spears were sooooo good! The brown rice was Success boil in the bag for 10 minutes brown rice.

I dumped a palm size piece of grilled chicken, a handful of asparagus, and 2 pineapple rings over a 1/2 cup of rice and it was only 6.5 points and it was filling. I may have had a couple of beers while watching American Idol too. *

Wednesday
Breakfast= scrambled egg white, fat-free cheese slice (on a sandwich ok but I wouldn't eat this straight), and a whole wheat english muffin= 3 points
Lunch= More of the same soup and 1/2 english muffin with f.f. cheese melted on it=3-4 points, leftover asparagus from last night=0 points and a skinny cow popsicle= 1 point (yum!!)
Dinner= Going out to P.F. Changs with a couple of my buddies tonight so I will be eating Chinese food and drinking beer. These 2 friends are skinny though so I most likely won't be pigging out.

Thursday
Breakfast= same sandwich from yesterday
Lunch= Black Bean soup, 2 cups= 2 points (3 cans of black beans 2 of them drained and 1 undrained, dumped into pot with a can of fire-roasted diced tomatoes with juice, 1/2 cup chicken broth, a pinch of anise seeds, a pinch of dried sage and salt and pepper to taste, and Tabasco to taste. Simmer and eat with 2 Tbs of Fat Free Sour Cream, good stuff!
Dinner= Skim milk mozzarella sandwich on whole wheat bread with roasted red pepper strips and 1 tsp. of Pesto. Salad with Italian dressing and steamed broccolli and zucchini. I will give you recipe and points tommorrow or Friday.

Friday
Breakfast= Mini whole wheat bagel with 2 Tbs. lite veggie cream cheese and a cup of cantaloupe= 5 points
Lunch= More black bean soup
Dinner= Turkey burgers with minted yogurt cucumber dressing in whole wheat pitas. I will give points and recipes later when I figure it out.

Saturday
Breakfast= Sandwich, bagels or cereal= all of those are 3-4 points
Lunch= Soup if any is left or leftover turkey burgers or some kind of meat on a stick if we go to the Wind and Art Festival.
Dinner= I am trying to score a date with my husband if I can scrounge a babysitter. If I can't then I will might cook or not. If I cook I will make Tandoori chicken on the grill, with steamed broccoli, brown rice and pita bread. I will let you know.

Sunday
Breakfast= Same as Sat.
Lunch= Same as Sat. we don't know which day we are going to the Passing Wind and Fart Festival (I crack myself up)
Dinner= Same as Sat.

Monday
Breakfast=Same as Sunday
Lunch= Leftovers
Dinner= It's Memorial Day and points be damned! I am going to hit the gym all weekend so I can enjoy a good bbq!

Grilled beef burgers with all the fixings (mayo, catsup, mustard, horseradish, cheese, lettuce and grilled sweet red onions) on huge sourdough buns
French Fries
Hot dogs
Baked Beans
Strawberries with whipped cream
Lots of ice cold beer




* Look I don't mind telling you how many beers I drink, but there are some chicks who read this blog even though they don't like me. They come from an old mom's club I was a member of and I try not to give them too many things to talk about when it comes to my lifestyle choices. Of course it doesn't seem to occur to them that the wine and martinis they swill have more alcohol than my beers..........

Original Lyrics by my Monkeys

All of Jake's songs are sung to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star except one:

Shake, Shake, Shake
Shake, Shake, Shake
Shake your boo-pay
Shake your boo-pay

He learned this from his older brother, of course, who sings the orginal Shake Your Bootie. Jake's other tunes are:

Goggy, goggy, goggy, goggy (his word for doggy, this is sung to Twinkle, Twinkle)
Goggy, goggy, goggy, goggy

Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy,
daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy

Bekah's made-up songs, also have made-up sing-songy type melodies. All of her songs are about rainbows, butterflies, and super cats flying through the world. Except Bekah pronounces world, whirrrled. She trills her "r"s but not like Spanish, it's more like she has a Scottish brogue. She also pronounces all of her "L"s like "W"s, so a little rainbow, would be a "wittle rainbow" in a Bekah song. She also sings a song about her being a baby coming out of my vagina, but I discourage her singing that as much as possible. If you don't have children yet, you may just want to not tell them the correct names for body parts, that is totally backfiring on me.

D.J. Mikey G. in the house!! My oldest, almost 5 years old, is the best at making up songs, unfortunately they are all about body parts and bodily secretions.

Bootie Soap (sung to the tune of the Star Wars theme song)

Bootie soap,
bootie soap,
you are washing your butt
with bootie soooooap

I was serenaded with the above song while I was in the shower and yes I was washing my butt with bootie soap. At the time I was NOT amused AT ALL!

Poop My Butt (sung to the tune of If You're Happy And You Know It, except without the chorus)

If you're happy and you know it poop my butt
If you're happy and you know it poop my butt
If you're happy and you know it pee your eyeballs
If you're happy and you know it pee your eyeballs

This goes on forever, or until I yell at him, but those are his 2 favorite lines for sure.

Another Michael re-mix:

It's raining,
It's pouring,
The old man is snoring
He fell out of bed
And I kicked him in the head

Some other titles that I will most likely turn up on Mike's first professional recording:

Old MacDonald Had Some Poop
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Fart
Stupid, Weiner, Spider (went up the poopy spout)
A,B, C, Poop
Jingle Butts
Row, Row, Row Your Bootie


There are more, too many to remember in one sitting. I have to wake up Jake so we can pick Mike up from his Pre-K class. But can you understand why this is his 3rd preschool?! Do you get it now when I am thrilled by just one positive parent teacher conference? I love the dude, but he's crazy!!

Breakfast, Lunch and Snacks, Monday

So I managed to eat exactly the breakfast I said I was going to eat last night, for a total of 4 points.

I dropped off my daughter Bekah, picked up my 9 year old niece and took all of us to the gym. My boys Jake and Mike went off with their buddies and my niece made new friends of her own. I am not surprised she is super sweet.

I sweated for an hour and then I was starving. Which is ridiculous because I often skip breakfast when I am in a hurry so it's just a psychological reaction to me dieting. Stupid brain.

So I was a good and got a hard-boiled egg and a V-8= 2 points (6 points so far)

By the time I showered and picked up my boys and my niece I was hungry again. (Amazing). So when I got home I made lunch for the kids and did not eat any of their food, yay!!! I went to the freezer and grabbed a bag of Jolly Green Giant* broccoli, carrots and cauliflower in cheese sauce. Guess what? I did the math and the whole family size, 1 pound 8 oz. bag, is only 5 points! So I nuked it in my 4 cup pyrex measuring cup and ate it right out of the pyrex. I also ate a big green salad with 2 Tbs. of my favorite Lite Blue Cheese dressing, Marie's= 1 point and a few croutons= 1 point. Finally I am not hungry, but after all that fiber my husband is going to kick me out of bed tonight.

7 points total for lunch and 13 points for the whole day, so far.

*I just want everyone to know I am not getting paid when I use brand names. Wish I was, but I am not. I am just helping you if you want to go buy that particular food for yourself.

Something New

I am falling behind on my Weight Watcher recipes, sorry about that. It just got super busy around here. Well I am back on the wagon. Some chick thought I was pregnant this weekend, bitch.

I was at a bridal shower and I was making small talk with some very skinny moms and one of them said, "You look like you are pregnant.". WTF? No, seriously, What The Fuck?! I was stunned. I thought I looked pretty good too, a little bloated, but not enough to look pregnant.

So I need to get serious. I have a bacherlorette party to go to in a month. Thankfully that anorexic chick won't be there, but just in case she sees pictures of me from that weekend, I want her to say, "Oh shit I can't believe I thought she was pregnant! I am a truly horrible person and now I need to go eat a Double Whopper with cheese and maybe some onion rings too.".

So what I am going to do is post my meals for the entire week, with the points. And I will try to eat them too.

Monday, May 18th

1 cup Cheerios
1/2 cup 1% milk
sliced 1/2 a banana
At least 4 cups of coffee with 2 Tbs. of nonfat non-dairy Vanilla creamer
Points= 4

Ok so that's breakfast. I will post the rest of the meals as the day goes along. It's 10:14 pm here and I need to brush my teeth and go to bed. Wish me luck.

I don't need luck brushing my teeth, I mean good luck with sticking to a diet void of cheese and beer.

Superstition and Garden Statues

I have a confession to make, I am really superstitious. Some things don't bother me like spilled salt and broken mirrors. I don't go out of my way to spill salt or break a mirror but it doesn't cause me anxiety. The superstitions that get my heart beating sound ridiculous when I say them outloud but I can't help it. I am talking about bad mojo, evil eyes, restless spirits, negative energy.

It's such a dichotomy, I am blushing from shame for admitting this but I am looking over my shoulder for a wrinkled old gypsy lady.

The other day a giant, but stupid, turkey crashed into my backyard fence. During his collision he knocked down my plaque of Athena and broke her into 3 pieces (3 being a magical number). I loved that plaque. It was cool looking, and Athena, being the G-ddess of War, protects cities, homes, property etc. So now there is a hole in the bubble of protection I have around my home.
Trust me, I know that sounds completely goofy! But I can't be alone in these beliefs. I know there are other people reading this blog who have a similar superstition or ritual that gets you through the day. Right?

I really believe Athena works. At our old house I hung her on the fence on the side of the yard where we had a crazy neighbor. I was warned by other neighbors that he has a plate in his head and isn't afraid to call the police and tell them that you have toilet papered his house (even if there is no toilet paper in his yard) or find out where you work and call to tell your employer lies about you. This guy was a huge menace and in the whole 5 years that we lived there he never said so much as boo to us. We move out, I take Athena with me, and I run into some old neighbors a few months later. Turns out that guy is back to his old tricks. So either he had a great 5 years of mental health which ended when we moved away, or Athena kept us safe from him. But since I will never really know now I am committed to hanging her in my yard again.

Athena isn't our only source of protection. I have an angel in the front yard, and a mezuzah at our door.

In the backyard I had Athena and a totem pole. I guess he really isn't a totem pole because he came from Brazil and it's just one angry gorilla. But one of my husband's friends gave it to us as a wedding present (even though I don't remember registering for a wood carving of an angry gorilla) and I immediately thought he would look good outside, only outside. Now I think he looks menacing enough to keep bad mojo out of that corner of the yard.

But Mr. Angry Gorilla is working by himself now that Athena is gone and my anxiety is climbing sky high. So I started looking online for a replacement for Athena. She was a gift and I have no contact with that person anymore so I have no idea where he got Athena. And I can't find anything like her anywhere. I started to look at this great website named Design Toscano and found some really nice garden art. This angel below is adorable but my husband is barely tolerating the angel in the front yard and would definitely not tolerate much more figurines anywhere.

I found a lot of nice stuff on that site but no Athena. So then I just started to look at the ugly stuff. Look at this guy! I would have to put a fake pile of poop at his feet because to me it looks like he is having some issues with irritable bowel.

Forget my husband, I am pretty sure my homeowner's association would have something to say about this angel in my front yard.

It's true, I am Jewish, but to my Christian friends out there, would you put this in your yard?

This shark made me laugh but he is 8 ft. long and was priced at $750!! Who would buy that?

I am afraid this sheep would attract the wrong element if you know what I mean.

Outside of a theme park, why would you buy a brontosaurus?

I am sorry but that's just ugly.

Ok so this Yeti, or Bigfoot, tickled me so much I actually made it my profile picture on Facebook for a few days. You have way too much money if you are putting statues of Bigfoot in your yard! I couldn't even afford the shipping on this thing.

Have a great weekend if I don't have time to post anything else this! And yes I realize I owe everyone 2 Weight Watchers recipes next week.

For My Chicas

I know some of my lady friends think my little brother is cute so here is a picture for you. Bill is the one holding the gun. For new readers; Bill is a Navy Seal. He just got home from Iraq safe and sound and lives in San Diego. Bill has a beautiful wife, Ari and loves to surf. I also gave birth to his clone. That would be my oldest Mike. This fact makes my life challenging sometimes but if Michael turns out half as good as Bill than I have done a great job.

More Blogging Nerdiness-Sexy Blogger

My awesome friend Clare has given me an award. I will take any recognition I can get.

So now I need to list 5 sexy things about myself:

1. After nursing 3 kids I still have a decent rack. Click on the word rack for proof. And if you don't agree I don't want to hear about it.

2. I am smart and funny. The type of person I am attracted to finds those qualities attractive, so to me, smart and funny is sexy.

3. I am NOT clingy and whiny. I guess there are some who find those 2 qualities endearing....... My husband does not get phone calls, text messages and emails from me all day long, even when we were just dating. I do don't jealous or posessive. I have no problem buying my man a lap dance, and I will go refill my drink while he is being entertained.

4. I love to be naked.

5. I am not afraid to talk, or be dirty. And I am not responsible where your imagination takes you with that one.

I am passing this award on to my blogging friend Sarah. I have not met her in person so I am not sure if she is sexy, but her picture is cute. And she is smart and funny, so she is 4/5 of the way there as far as I am concerned.

Wildlife in San Ramon-Wild Turkey

This is how exciting it is here in the burbs. I went to put a poopy diaper in the outside garbage can and saw this guy. I went up to the fence and he just limped a few feet away and made cute turkey noises. So I went inside, washed my hands, grabbed the camera, the phone and took a couple of pics while I called animal control. I then loaded up all the kids and went to the gym.




Four hours later and he is still hanging out. Ding-dong, thankfully Jake wasn't napping anyways, otherwise I would be annoyed by the doorbell. It's animal control, and those guys carry real guns, did you know that? Mike tried to touch it.

All 4 of us escorted the officer to our backyard to show him the turkey. I showed him how to access the creek and as soon as he stepped up to the fence, the damn thing flew off. Scared the bejesus out of us! That turkey was easily 20 pounds, with a huge wing span and when he flew off it was no joke.

I felt kind of stupid for making the call to animal control, but I explained that I didn't want a turkey to, "expire" in plain view of my children or become a feast for some coyotes. I used the word expire, because my kids know what dead means, and I spelled coyote. The officer assured me I did the right thing and that if the turkey hadn't flown off, he would have transported it to the shelter.

We then escorted the officer outside and he informed me that he has a 1 and a 3 year old, so we talked about the cost of diapers and formula. He then gave Mike, Bekah, and Jake a tour of his truck. He showed us where the dogs, cats and smaller animals go before he takes them to the shelter. He showed us his tools of the trade, like nets and those poles with the lasso thingy on the end. And he explained in great detail how his radio works and how it allows him to talk to dispatch. Bekah was very intrigued by the button on his radio. It was like a preschool field trip at my house.

The friendly officer went on his way and we haven't seen the turkey since. As you can see by the dent in my fence, he was a hefty bird, and doesn't have very good eyesight. He flew right into it, and if you look really close you can even see a feather clinging.

Hopefully the turkey was just stunned, and sprained, and will heal. The real victim seems to be my plaque of the G-ddess Athena that was hanging from that section of the fence. Athena is the G-ddess of war and is supposed to protect cities, homes, property etc. But it looks like poor Athena is no match for a big, fat turkey.

Well there you go, it doesn't get more exciting than that here in the burbs. The rest of the afternoon was spent getting the boys' haircuts and going to Cost-co. They were out of Dino nuggets (dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets for you non-parents) but I will save that thrilling saga for another day.

Mother's Day Portraiture

As you can see by the header on this page I was able to get only one kid to pose with me for Mother's Day. And Mike could barely hold still.

I asked my dear husband to take pictures because I don't get dressed up very often. Especially in sundresses. Well you can see why my husband likes sundresses. Next time I will ask somebody else to take pictures.

Weekly < 30 minute Recipe #16

Let me explain my header picture. We are coming up on Mother's Day and seated in that picture is 4 generations of women. Starting with the youngest we have my wiggly 3 year old Rebekah Hazel, and then comes me, Charlotte Noel, at the ripe old age of 38, next would be my mom, Louise Ann, 61 years and the cherry on top is my grandmother Hazel Louise (Bekah's middle name came from her) she is 85 years old.

So I was racking my brain for a Mother's Day type recipe that is less than 30 minutes and semi healthy. Not happening. Ok, sure you can stick with an egg-white omelet and a slice of cantaloupe, but it's Mother's Day!! So I am just going to list the points values for favorite Mother's Day munchies. My source is the Weight Watchers Complete Food Companion, don't worry I am not making this stuff up as I go along.

Chocolate-Covered Strawberries = One point per yummy strawberry, my husband was being an ass and didn't believe me so I had to set him straight. I sent him a bazillion links proving me right.

Eggs Benedict (my fave) 2 english muffins, 2 poached eggs and a 1/4 cup of Hollandaise sauce= 16 points. I love to sprinkle Tabasco all over, yummy.

Mimosa 6 fluid ounces (that's a big one)= 2 points. I will have 12 of those thank you very much.

Bacon= 1 point each. Real bacon, crispy and yummy.

Deviled Eggs, 2 halves= 4 points

Doughnut, the good kind with frosting= 7 points

Cinnamon, 1 large,=6 points

My husband wants to have sex with me so I need to stop this post and go to bed.

Poll Results

I was making everyone go cross-eyed with the last background design so I have opted for a mellow blue and green background. Those colors make me happy and chill me out. And hopefully won't give anyone a headache or put you to sleep.

Thanks for the opinions they definitely helped.

New Poll

Check out the poll to your right---------------->

Vote and tell me what you think of this new background. I like the colors. I am not too crazy about the theme. I think a theme that would match the vibe of this blog would be poopy diapers and crazy, screaming women but I can't find that anywhere.

My Poll

I took down my poll. 4 votes, 50% keep it, %50 dump it. That's not helpful!!

I will pick out a new background later and let you all vote on it again. Right now I gotta bust a move on housework and get ready for a parent-teacher conference for Michael.

Sigh, it's a regularly scheduled one, so at least it's not an emergency one. I still get anxious though because Mike is a darling but, VERY CHALLENGING boy. He already hates school and he is only in Pre-K. It's going to be a long-ass road to get this boy through school.

Cinco De Mayo

So last Saturday we were in San Jose for the Chelsea Handler show. That Sunday morning after breakfast we got to catch some of the city's Cinco De Mayo parade.

This kid is a bad ass. And I mean that in a good way.

The Worth of a Mother

I am sure you have seen these calculators before. The ones that figure out how much a mother is worth in dollars. They always drag these out right before Mother's Day. Go check out the link above and enter your own stats, to see how much your paycheck would be. It figures in your zip code as well. Since I have 3 preschoolers and live in the San Francisco Bay Area I am worth $212, 000. That would be an awesome paycheck.

I guess I better get off my ass and earn that cash.

Chelsea Handler Review

So last night we saw Chelsea Handler live. She was awesome. Hilarious.

Below is a picture of the lounge in the Fairmont Hotel in San Jose where we stayed. We had drinks there when we checked in and before bed.


The Center of Performing Arts has been around forever. That place was packed last night and They had bars open on every floor of that place and the lines were long, this was a heavy drinking crowd.

Before we saw Chelsea perform we hit up a restaurant called Morton's for appetizers and drinks. This is my main squeeze with his sister.

This is me and my main squeeze.

This is one of my favorite drinking buddies Meghan. She is preggers though so only a sip or two here and there for her. Lucky Jason has a designated driver.

Me and my awesome sister-in-law, Merrill.

After the show we had some more munches at Gordon-Biersch brewery and then went back to our hotel for a nightcap. Merrill was obviously having a really good time.

Uncle Chrissy is trying to be a tough guy in this picture.

Me and my main squeeze, Erik.

I love him so much he is such a good husband and daddy.

Swine Flu School Closures Contra Costa County

So according to KCBS, news radio in the bay area, these are the current schools, in my county, to be closed to due to the Swine Flu virus.




CONTRA COSTA COUNTYLone Tree Elementary School in Antioch.

Brentwood Elementary in Brentwood.

Coyote Creek Elementary in San Ramon will close Monday, May 3 and remain
closed, for at least one week and possibly two weeks, in accordance with federal directives from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (We live in San Ramon so this sucks. I am starting to think this is hype but I don't want my kids to get it so I guess I will be staying away from the gym for another week.)

Shore Acres Elementary in Bay Point.

Highlands Elementary School in Pittsburg, remain closed after children became ill.

Chelsea Handler, and why I need her.

That's right, just in case you are new to this blog you may have missed the fact that I am going to go see Chelsea Handler live this weekend. No kids. Good friends, good food, potent alcohol and a night in a fancy hotel. I am not going to tell you where Chelsea is playing, what night she is playing or what hotel I am staying at..........just in case I have a stalker. I will give you a review when I come home, and after I have recovered.



Please don't waste your time getting too jealous of me. I deserve this. I adore my life, at home with my 3 kids and managing the household but I need a break sometimes to keep up my sense of humor.



This week for instance I was convinced my kids had Swine Flu. What a coincidence they would get sick after a visit from my brother and his wife who live in San Diego, right next to Swine Flu central. Fortunately it turns out to be nothing but a couple of common colds and ear infections. So I dope them up with vitamins and amoxycillin and we head to the mall.



For years I could wear the same clothes over and over again but once you hit motherhood you actually need new clothes. I am not talking about maternity clothes, that's obvious, but you actually get too big for some clothes and too small for other clothes as you lose your baby fat and don't get me started on what happens to your ever-changing shoe size. Then your kids will actually gnaw on and tear your clothing and stain your favorite outfits with who knows what. So I am not exaggerating when I say I need a couple of new outfits.



Taking a 2, 3 and 4 year old to the mall is usually one of my least favorite things to do but somebody has to do it. And the fact that I managed to find a $48 skirt for $18 is worth a little pain.



As soon as we get to Macy's Bekah and Mike find a sofa and sit down. I am stunned! I expect them to stay with me but not actually sit and behave. This is looking really good. I am super happy. Jake is in the stroller munching on Cheerios and I actually find a skirt and 2 shirts right away. My luck is improving. I ask Mike and Bekah to follow me to a different part of the store and they listen, and they stay with me.



As I rummage around looking for a pair of jeans that will make my legs look thin, I hear a voice ask, "What brand of stroller is that?". I look up and see a cute mom with 2 girls. So I tell her the brand and then she just stares at me. I recognize the look on her face. It's the please talk to me and don't make me go home by myself and be alone with small children look. I know that feeling, I don't want to abandon her in her time of need, but I am working on borrowed time here. My kids are behaving and who knows how long that's going to last. But I can't leave her. So I ask, "How far apart are your girls?" Less than 2 years apart.


I knew it. Us moms that have kids less than 2 years apart can find each other anywhere. Across a crowded room with rainbows and hearts coming out of our eyes. She didn't know that was the reason she was talking to me because she is right in the middle of it, but I knew. Her youngest is 3 months old and her oldest just turned 2 years old. Now I was torn. I had a mission, find some clothes that didn't make me look fat, feed my kids, and get home in time for naptime. But now I just found an overwhelmed mom in the mall who needs company. So I took a deep breath and talked to her for a few minutes. As soon as Jake started throwing Cheerios everywhere and trying to wipe his boogers on clothes, and Mike really wanted to kiss her sleeping 3 month old, (which is sweet but germy), and Bekah was getting jealous that I was talking to other little girls, it was time to pull the plug.


I headed to the dressing room. In the past I have grabbed clothes, bought them, and then tried them on at home, and then returned the ones that don't fit. But I am feeling brave and we get the giant dressing room that is fully enclosed so nobody can sneak under the stall walls. Macy's is having a massive sale so the dressing rooms are packed with women.


Once in the dressing room I actually let Jake out to run around since it's fully enclosed and I start to disrobe.


"Mommy, I see your panties."


"Of course you do, I just took off my pants.". I could have sworn I heard a giggle outside our stall. I take off my shirt.


"Mommy you're fat."


"Michael!"


"Mommy you're fat", Bekah chimes in, she has to do everything Michael does.


"Bekah and Michael, that's not nice."


"But Mommy you are fat." Now I can definitely hear laughing outside our dressing room.


"Ok that's enough you are lowering my self-esteem.". More snickers
"What's self-esteem?"


"You are making me feel bad about myself by calling me fat."


"But you are fat.". More laughter. Sigh.


"You are fat because you had 3 babies in your pouch." Ok somebody actually snorted. They laughed hard enough to snort.


"Like a kangaroo." Bekah chimes in.


"I didn't have 3 babies at once and it's not a pouch, it's a tummy.". And I don't care how much I work out and lose weight and do sit-ups I do, I still have a pouch of skin around my belly-button.


So now Mike takes this opportunity to grab that excess skin and try to fold it into a taco and start kissing it. And saying,


"But Mommy your tummy is so cute and soft and cuddly and you had babies inside it, mwah, mwah, mwah "(those are kissy sounds).


At this exact moment Jake realizes that the door only locks on the inside and he can leave this joint. So he turns the handle and starts to open the dressing room door,


"Noooooo!!"


I lunge at the door just in time and slam it shut with the palm of my hand. In the meantime I knock over Mike and Jake has grabbed my leg and is trying to bite me.


"Jake no biting!" Nobody is trying to hide their laughter now and I want to dissappear.
I slam the stroller in front of the door and lock all 4 brakes.


"Mommy you pushed me down!"


"I didn't push you down, I tripped over you because you were standing right on top of me!"


"Get off the floor and go sit next to your sister! Look how good Bekah is."


"She is licking the mirror."


"Bekah! Don't lick the mirror, that is disgusting!"


I have managed to get my clothes back on and Jake has figured out he can't move the stroller away from the door and he is in a screaming rage. Nobody is laughing now. I have to wrestle him back into the stroller and that is like wrestling with a midget on PCP.


I am sweating as I back the stroller out of the dressing room and nobody will look me in the eye as they all try not to laugh.


At this point I still have to buy my clothes, feed the kids, do naptime, pay work bills, clean house, laundry, dinner, bathtime and bedtime.

Do you see why I think I deserve a night out?!