Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Fear of the Unknown

Hi, I'm Unknown Mami and I'm here to help you conquer your fear of the unknown. Not really. I'm here because the lovely Charlotte invited me to post while she is off having sex somewhere. It doesn't seem fair that she gets to go off and have sex while I'm left babysitting her blog so...

Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex....
-Salt N Pepa

I have nothing shocking or risque to share with you. It's true, I have sex, I like it. I'm insecure in other areas of my life, but when it comes to sex I feel good. If someone wants to see me naked, then I'm not going to be shy. I get what I want and I give as good as I get. The thing is I have no idea how I became so confident and secure in this area of my life because growing up my sex ed was just fucked up (pardon the pun).

Let me share some highlights.

The first time I found out about sex was after asking my mom about maxi-pads. I didn't know what they were for and she explained what a period was and the basics of how a baby is made.

Great!

But she led me to believe that maybe there was more than one way to get pregnant. For years, I was terrified of swallowing watermelon seeds because I was convinced the seeds would sprout and turn into a baby. Thank God for seedless watermelons! I remember being offered a slice of watermelon with seeds in first grade and saying, "No thank you, I don't want to get pregnant." Someone was kind enough to let me know that I could enjoy the fruit without becoming a "statistic".

In the 70's and 80's I would hear the term "humping". I hated the way it sounded. So vulgar! I knew that a man's penis went into a woman's vagina and then a baby was made (I didn't know that people had sex just for fun or that sometimes it wasn't a man and a woman). Sex was for making babies only. Why would anyone call that humping? Well, we got cable and I saw my first sex scene and apparently there was work involved. The man didn't just stick his penis into the vagina; there was movement involved from both the man and the woman. It wasn't like sticking a plug into a socket; it required the plug to be moved in and out of the socket. This was so shocking to me that I started crying. My mother asked me what was wrong and I said, "They're humping!"

In junior high I thought I had a handle on things. We saw the sex ed video and I trusted that everything was accurate, if not romantic. Then one day my mom got drunk at a party and started talking gibberish. She told me never to use a tampon because no one would want to marry me. Her point was that if I used a tampon I would no longer be considered a virgin and if I was not a virgin no man would want me. Okay?! That wasn't in the video.

Another relative taught me a wonderful lesson. She kept moving a sewing needle and asked me to thread it. Of course I couldn't. Then she said, "There is no such thing as rape." Whoa! Seriously?! So if I got raped it was my fault?

I could go on and on. So why am I telling you these stories? Because I know I'm not the only girl that grew up with these kinds of experiences and although I think they're funny now, it's bullshit. Knowledge is power and I wasn't being raised to be a powerful woman in charge of her sexuality.

I have a daughter and when she comes to me with questions about sex I am going to give her truthful, honest, age appropriate answers. I'm not going to wrap up her sex ed with religion or politics.

Sex is natural - sex is good
-George Michael

Remember don't fear the unknown, especially not Unknown Mami! Stop by and visit me sometime.

31 comments:

Frau said...

Unknown I agree with knowledge is power. Great post and I was raised the same way..the lies!

JosiahsMommy said...

Ohhh wow. the no such thing as rape... wow. I am glad to hear you will not be perpetuating that bit of "knowledge." Good for you for wanting to be truthful with your daughter.

Trudy said...

Great post! I don't really remember having too many conversations about sex with my parents or even my friends. We were just given a book to read and told we should ask questions if we had them. So, naturally we just skipped it and looked at the pictures!

JennyMac said...

Great post Mami!

brainella said...

When I was 13 my mother handed me the Family Illustrated Encyclopedia on reproduction. Horrifying. She wasn't shy about sex or babies. I was rather fortunate, I believe. :)

Sassy Chica said...

Great post Unknown Mami! I agree sex is natural, sex is good!

Smooches,
Sassy Chica

Ekanthapadhikan said...

Yeh! I know how bad it is to mix sex with religion! And unlike boys, women seem to have the worst misconceptions about sex. And guys, they don't have any conception about it at all! They watch porns and believe that's what sex is all about - humping!

Steven Anthony said...

want to talk fucked up sex ed...I grew up with an overly stricked, abusive pastor as a dad..my mom his shadow...we were taught the only reaqson to have sex was to make babies.....imagine my sheer joy at finding out in my late teens that sex could be fun! :)

great post;)

Peterson Family said...

Great post. I had to read the part about the relative telling you that there is no such thing as rape a few times. I thought I had misread it. And then I was horrified to realize that I had not. I have an older daughter and have been straight up honest with her about sex, relationships, marriage, etc. I think that children will seek out the information and if you provide them with accurate and honest info they will be better off. (And I hope that someone, somewhere corrected the lady who thought there was no such thing as rape. That's just a terrible way to think.)

Kathy B! said...

Great post!

As a mom of four girls I COMPLETELY agree.

sarah @ life {sweet} life said...

Great post!! The watermelon seeds thing cracks me up...ha!!

Lisa Anne said...

I jumped ontop of my son once who was laying on teh couch. he was 7 yrs old. he told me to get of of him that I was humping him. A 7yrs old knew this. I started the whole sex talk right then and there. He told me sex was when a girl puts a boys penis in her mouth. I told him no thats disgusting. He was like i know. I said sex is when you love someone so much your heart flutters.

He is 9yrs old now and when I ask him what sex is, he tells me its when your heart flutter then laughs. Which means I know he knows the truth. He watches movies. He learned about masterbation from transformers, Sam's happy time.

Kids these days are too smart!!

Kekibird said...

Hello friend and congrats on the guest post!

Yes, I had the overly sharing mom who told me about sex when all I wanted to know was why on TV when they kissed good night, they woke up with a baby (the wonders and magic of television and time progression totally escaped me at 10). I could have lived with a "Kissing doesn't make babies" and moved on. But no, it was then my mom saw her opportunity to share in the wonders that was sex.

I didn't need to know it then. I just wanted to know about kissing.

Ms. Lovely said...

Love the post Mami. Sex is a great thing, but it involves responsibility too, so good for you for being honest with your daughter.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You give good sex talks Mami. GREAT post!!!!
xo

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Wonderful post and blog! I learned everything on my own. My girls will know a lot more than I did when the time is right for them.

I'll be back!

Hugs!!

Charlotte said...

I love your mom but that other relative needs some intensive therapy, holy shit!

I absolutely agree with you on the importance of honesty but is it ok if I still encourage my daughter to wait until she is 30 to have sex?

Thanks for filling in for me!!! And no thanks for getting a George Michaels song stuck in my head!!

Helen McGinn said...

Excellent! Just sheer effing brilliance, U.M. I couldn't even tell my mum when I started my period, I was so embarrassed and mortified. Amazing what it does to you, that lack of knowledge; I answer every question with honesty when my children ask. I don't overdo it...don't want to scare the bejeesus out of them but everything they ask, they get the correct answer. And now that they are getting older, a little bit more. You rock!

Michelle said...

Wow, that is pretty f'ed up. Congrats to you for getting over it. You've got the right attitude now, and I can only hope that your daughter grows up more secure from the start. I'm not looking forward to those conversations, but I'll be having them right along with you.

blueviolet said...

Mami, this post rocked! It is actually a miracle that you have such a healthy outlook after being fed so many mistruths. At least you'll be able to give your daughter the real story, a healthy take on it.

Julie said...

Awesome Mami! I got the tampon scare too, but mine told me that women "masturbate" with them. I'm still trying to figure that out!

Jeanette said...

Honesty is the best policy! I'm very opened with my kids so they can talk to me about anything. I love it. Great post.

ck said...

Your thoughts on watermelon seeds made me smile. When I was 6 I thought that sleeping in a bed next to a boy got you pregnant. Our family went on vacation and I thought I was going to have to share a bed with my brother and panicked. How could I have a baby when I hadn't even entered Kindergarten? My mom assured me that I wouldn't get pregnant and I always wonder where on earth I got that from...

Life with Kaishon said...

I can't believe your Aunt told you that. Crazy! No one ever really talked to me about sex. It was hush hush in our conservative christian world. I don't remember when I first learned about it but I have to admit : ) I like it now too! What's not to love? : )

Kara @ His, Hers and Ours said...

Holy shiznit!! No such thing as rape?! I hope she knows differently now.

I wish I was raised with lies...stories...something. My mom was very 'hush, hush' about it, and flipped out when I was 10 and reading the book "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret", and I went to her and asked what a period was.

I have already begun the honest talks with my 9 year old. I don't want her to be scared or ashamed to ever ask me questions about sex, no matter how crude they may be. I want her to know the truth. I also feel like it will give her more power in the future to make wiser decisions, and won't have to feel the intense need to "experiment" as I did at the age of....yeah...we won't go there.

Congrats on your guest post!! Loved it!

and wha?! Word verification?! Yowza!!

Aunt of 14 said...

You..Are..The..Best..!! Love this post!

Anonymous said...

You are all so full of shit about your mothers! Anything to dramatize and victimize yourselves while you indulgently congratulate yourselves and each other on the wonder of you.

Charlotte said...

You know what's indulgent? Insulting people anonymously.

I am not a victim, I am survivor, the shit I have been through I save for my therapist. I don't need to dramatize anything that has happened to me in my childhood. I don't like people feeling sorry for me because there is no reason to, I am grateful beyond belief for the life I have made for myself and my children.

Unknown was simply conveying a message that she wants to be honest with her kids because of her experiences. I didn't hear a lot of whining from her.

There is one thing I will congratulate myself on, and that's telling you to go fuck yourself!!!!!

Unknown Mami said...

Wow! It's amazing what people will say under the cover of anonymity. BTW, I am many things, but I am not a liar and I do not have to dramatize anything about my life, not to mention that I am not a victim nor do I feel like one. Really, you've never heard these kinds of stories before? Shit I read my posts to my mother and she has no problem with them because they are true. She just shakes her head and tells me she did the best she could and she did pretty damn good.

It's okay to disagree with someone, but it's always best to attack the argument and not the speaker. When you attack the speaker anonymously you are saying a lot more about yourself and it ain't pretty.

magda said...

I have watched Oprah maybe 5 times in 5 years. I was fortunate enough to catch the one where she hosted a woman who wrote on, discussed, and recommends the teaching of girls about their sexual response systems. Teaching them early and encouraging self exploration. So, they could feel good about those sensations and therefore more responsible. Oh, the power of knowing what you have and that you are in charge of it. Great Post

Sissy said...

I adore you! On a side note, Anonymous is a pussy.