Friday, December 26, 2008

More Mama Drama-The Consequence of Being a Smart-Ass

So I will briefly explain what is below. I blew up a mom's club. It was an awesome group of women and then it got too big and some not so awesome women joined and they were too easily offended. Below is an explanation of what went down. It is from my other blog that has more to do with me and my kids, this new blog is just for moms who don't have sticks up their asses. Below is some of history about how this new blog needs to exist.

October 2008

Oh will it ever end? So I wrote in an earlier post about the drama going on in my mom's club. Drama that is completely new to us as we grow larger and less intimate. I will be brief in my explanation of this new shitstorm that I have apparently caused.

My friend and former President of the moms club's husband is running for water management board, and I am not using any names here or real positions. So our club was running a poll and I made a joke saying that a poll was a great way to practice voting for next week and that we should vote No on 8, Yes on Obama and Yes on this woman's husband. So a new member I have never met or heard of, sent out an email saying that the mom's club is not a political club and that I need to keep my opinions to myself. So I felt bad because I am causing problems for my friend who is president, so I sent out a nice apology. That is the email directly below. Well a bunch of other moms sent me personal emails expressing disbelief that somebody could actually be offended so I wrote a fake letter just for them. That one is below the real one that I sent out.

Dear L and anyone I offended,

As a former member of the board, I am aware of the bylaws and you are right this is not a political club. By the way the bylaws are a great way to cure insomnia, just ask Madame President M. I know she has had to peruse them quite frequently in the past few weeks and I sincerely apologize to her for causing any problems with my previous email. I also apologize to you L. and anyone else that was offended.

L. since you are new I am sure we haven't met and you may not be aware that there was a punchline in that email. Our former Moms Club President's husband is running for the San Ramon Water Management Board. Though this role is important, it is politically benign and he is a super nice guy so I was offering my support. So when it comes to apologies, I don't apologize for saying vote for him. Unless of course your partner is running against him for same position and then I do apologize to you again.

L. I encourage you to participate at club events and then you can see that we are all friendly, but it's hard to tell that by emails sometimes unless you rely heavily on emoticons to express yourself. # : ) I did not make it to all of the events this week and if you were at the Halloween party this morning I am sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself, I was chasing my boys.

Welcome to the club,
Charlotte mother to:Michael 4 years old, Rebekah almost 3 years old and Jacob 19 months old

Below is the fake email that I only sent to a few people, it was just my way of venting.

Dear L. and any other bitch that bursts into tears when somebody looks at you cross-eyed,

As a former member of the board, a thankless job just like motherhood, I am completely aware that I was breaking one of our million bylaws. I have to admit I was fishing people like you out of the moms club population so when we do split off I know where not to go. I do apologize to M for causing her to have to deal with more whining that seems to never end from the likes of you. Thing is M is a big girl and will probably get over it loooong before you do.

L. , and you other bitches, since you are new we probably haven't met and if we have it will probably take me a year to remember your face since all the pot I smoked in an earlier life and the ravages of motherhood have left me short on braincells. It would also help though if you actually showed up to moms club events. Before having kids I was never in a club so I really don't understand the point of joining something and never showing up. (Well except for my old gym membership. )Unless you actually like to sit home in your p.j.s feeling sorry for yourself and sending out snotty emails, then by all means party on.

But actually we are really friendly in person, in fact if you showed up in your p.j.s nobody would really care, especially if you bring us cookies. In fact I went to a moms club event today, without showering and wearing one of my husband's shirts and people still talked to me. My kids looked gorgeous and we were out of the house socializing and that is what is most important.

If you and the other spazzes would come to stuff you would also maybe get some inside jokes because you would meet other moms and know who they are and that their husband was running for city stuff. I mean really if I didn't know my friend do you think I would give a flying fuck about the water management board?!

Ok really we had 4 events going on this week, you could at least go to 1! And don't fucking whine to me how hard it is to get out of the house, I am well aware of that. My morning started before the sun came up and before noon I had changed 4 diapers, fed 6 mammals if you include all my kids, me, my husband and the damn cat,made a sack lunch,dressed 2 kids and yelled at the other to dress himself, brushed their hair, took one kid to preschool while the other 2 tagged along, delivered a bale of hay and cheese and crackers to a moms club event and made sure my boys ate something besides cookies and cigarette butts, returned the bale of hay, got the van washed and vacuumed all the hay out, fed the boys lunch, dropped off son at school and picked up daughter, put her and younger brother down to nap, ate my lunch, and drank roughly 600 milligrams of caffiene. I dare you to whine to my face about how hard it is to get out of the house.

Welcome to the club,

Charlotte mother to:
Michael 4 years old honey moon baby, Rebekah almost 3 years old didn't use a condom or birth control after I stopped nursing, Jacob 19 months old was on the birth control pill for the first 7 weeks of his gestational life.

L. you didn't tell us your political affiliation when you sent out your brief, albeit bitchy email, so I will just take a wild guess that you won't be needing any extra No On 8 signs from my front yard. Go ahead and call me a liberal queer loving fag hag, because I have been called worse. In fact if you have been in our moms club for awhile you would know that my 4 year old has been known to call me a poopy vagina.
Peace out.

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