Husband's Method of Removing Splinter:
Assemble nitrous spray, hypodermic needle filled with sterile water, sterile surgical tweezers and gauze. Grab toddler with one splinter in hand. Have toddler sit on toilet and spray hand with freezing cold nitrous spray. Yell at wife to find escaped toddler and bring him back to the bathroom and restrain him while husband pokes gently at splinter with tweezers. Think happy thoughts while toddler's screams shatter eardrums. Finally remove splinter, flush wound with fluid from hypodermic needle, dress wound, and then treat toddler with candy.
Elapsed time= 15 minutes
Mother's Method of Removing Splinters:
Move Revlon tweezers back and forth over flame from cigarette lighter to sterilize. Turn on toddler's favorite cartoon, grab toddler and put in basket hold (learned from working in pysch hospital), tweeze and stab 5 splinters with tweezers and acrylic fingernails, think happy thoughts while toddler's screams shatter eardrums. Remove all 5 splinters, stick lollypop in toddler's mouth and wash hands in bathroom sink with soap and water. Release toddler.
Elapsed time= 5 minutes