Grandma Hazel

This is the eulogy I delivered for my Grandmother yesterday. I wasn't the only one to speak kind words and my Aunt Kitty and Uncle Mike really put together a service as beautiful as my Grandmother. I wish I could say my gorgeous children sat quietly during the service but no, my dear husband ended up taking them to McDonald's.  The were the best dressed family there. And I am eternally gratefully to Erik for going beyond the call of husband and father yesterday, and just being a completely awesome and patient person. I also delivered this eulogy wearing my husband's right contact lens instead of my own, just to add some extra challenge to the whole public speaking tension.





There are several things that will always remind me of my Grandmother: the status of poodles, and Cadillacs. The luxury of perfume, and Cashmere sweaters. Grandma was always perfectly put together, her dogs were groomed, her house spotless, and she smelled wonderful and felt so soft. She was by far the most glamorous person I have ever met. Grandma Hazel could wear white slacks and gold sandals to a BBQ and stay stain free. My girl cousins and I would love to open her bathroom drawers and stare mesmerized at all the lipsticks and lotions.

But she didn't always have access to these conditions. There is no status in migrating to California during the Depression. No luxury in sleeping under a bridge ( pictured above is the 7th Street bridge my Grandmother slept underneath, which is still located in Modesto, Ca.)  with your siblings. There is nothing clean about having 6 kids of your own.  And there will never be any glamour in outliving one of your own sons.






The beauty and order Grandma surrounded herself was much deserved. Both her and Grandpa Bill worked hard to build their life. They were excellent role models for hard work and learning new skills. Grandma Hazel didn't learn to play the piano and do ceramics until later in life. And Grandpa was always reading and educating himself.






And even though Grandma loved her family unconditionally, that doesn't mean occasionally she wouldn't try to change you. Us grand kids learned early on not to mention if we were feeling under the weather. Grandma would take this opportunity to pump us full of vitamins or make you drink some strange herbal concoction. She wouldn't mind performing minor surgery on our dirty feet to get out a splinter or rubbing Vitamin E oil on some mystery rash. She was an excellent nurse but wasn't afraid to experiment on us either.






I know my Grandma Hazel loved me. She gave me tons of hugs and kisses and spoiled me rotten. But I am pretty sure she thought my hair was out robbing liquor stores at night. I worshipped her so much I really didn't mind the experiments she attempted on my unruly hair. My mom would leave me at Grandma's house and she would be instantly washing and conditioning my hair in the kitchen sink. It was like a spa day. I didn't mind the crazy hair cuts, I didn't mind the olive oil and the beer rinse didn't bother me at all. It was the homemade mayonnaise I objected to. I smelled like a bologna sandwich for 2 days!






I wasn't the only grandchild, my brothers and my cousins were always at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Often for days at a time. And they played with us. Grandma would play on the piano with us, take us to parks, bowling, shopping and dye Easter eggs with us. Grandpa played cards with us,played pool with us, and let us follow him around the garden, and read all of his books. We were never bored and felt safe and loved. All of us running around the backyard, sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags and crowded around the kitchen or patio table.






Over the years family, just like friends, drift apart. I am so grateful for the memories my grandparents gave me and my cousins. And now that I have kids of my own I realize it's not that easy to organize family gatherings or reunions. I do want to offer my kids the same positive experience that we all had. I know that Grandma would want today to be more of a happy reflection and celebration of life. A chance for everyone to re-connect, to forget any differences, and to be loving role models for our new family members.






One day I was out to lunch with Grandma and she told me there wasn't a lot of love and affection in her childhood home. And as an adult she went to visit her brother Clarence at his home one day. Clarence walked up to her and hugged her. She was very surprised, but she said it felt so good to her that she hugged him back. She told me to remember to hug people and tell them that you love them otherwise they may never know how you feel.






I found an Irish Blessing perfect for the wife of a roofer.






May the roof above us never fall in.


And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.





End of eulogy.

I asked a dear friend who currently lives in Stanislaus County if she knew of any non-religious type organizations that help homeless children.  Modesto, where my Grandmother migrated to as a homeless child is in Stanislaus County, and my Grandma Hazel was never strongly religious. |My friend Daphne found a couple of places. Thank you so much Daphne that really means a lot to me.

Hutton House

Pathways

Me, my mom Louise, Grandma Hazel and my daughter Rebekah Hazel. R.I.P. Grandma nobody will ever be as beautiful as you.

An Ode to my Sister-in-law

 I wrote this 2 years ago and nothing has changed. My sister-in-law, Merrill, pulls my ass out of the fire on a weekly basis and is my best friend.
Happy Birthday Auntie M.

Ok so this was supposed to go out for Auntie M's birthday but what can I say, I am slacker. I also didn't want to just bust out something half-assed.

I met Merrill for the first time briefly at her house in Fremont when Erik and I were on the way to a party in S.F. Auntie M and her husband Uncle Chrissy were very nice and Kaitlyn was about 2 years old and Haley was about 7 months old, so cute.

The first time I really hung out with her was at her in-law's ranch in Sunol. Very intimidating to go to a weekend camping trip where the only person you know is your boyfriend. And there were a lot of people there for this Memorial Day Weekend. And these were my kind of people. Beer, food, more beer, more food, some music, some dancing, guns, dogs and more beer and more food. I had just come off a graveyard shift with no sleep but I quickly pulled it together and had a great Friday night. The next morning Merrill asked me to put sunscreen on baby Haley. I felt honored that she would trust me and I remember holding Haley on my lap and as I went to rub sunscreen on her ears she leaned towards my fingers and closed her eyes. So cute. I got to know Merrill better that weekend and really liked her.

As me and Erik's relationship progressed I realized how close Erik is to his sister and how lucky I am that she is likable. I worked Christmas day at the psych hospital and Erik went home to do Hannukah/Xmas with his family. When he got back I went to visit him and Erik escorted me into his living room and pointed to one corner; that pile is the gifts I got from my family and that pile is the gifts you got from my family. My pile was way bigger. Yay, they liked me!!

One day Erik told me that Merrill told him, "If you ever break up with Charlotte I will fucking kill you. ". I asked, "You were talking about breaking up with me?!". "No!", he said.

In a conversation with Merrill somehow we were talking about Erik's exes and Merrill said she liked me, "......because you are so normal.". Damn who was he dating before?

Erik and I moved to San Ramon and he was working with his father. On a day that Erik was supposed to be home early, he was not around so I called his cell phone. "What are you doing?", I asked, "Nothing.". My husband does not know how to lie which is a great thing to have in a husband. "If you are doing nothing then why can I hear Merrill's voice in the background?". Duh. He hung up and Merrill called me back and asked what kind of engagement ring I was looking for. I told her and she got me exactly what I wanted, with Erik's money.

Merrill planned my bachelorette party, it was so awesome that I can't put anything about it in this blog.

Merrill planned my bridal shower, and it was girly and beautiful, and all my family and friends felt welcomed. Merrill did a ton of other stuff for my wedding as well as having her girls as my flower girls. She also spent the night with me in my hotel room the night before my wedding and knew that was the one morning that it would be safe to wake me up and jump on my bed. She jumped all around me and said, "You're getting married today, you're getting married today.".

On my wedding day she kept me safe from all drama.

She was the first one to know I was pregnant. I wanted to tell my husband first but when I called Merrill to ask why when the wind blew a mile away my boobs hurt, she accurately guessed I was pregnant.

Merrill was in the room when Mike was born. I was at first opposed to having so many people in the delivery room but after Mike was born I realized that Erik and my Dad were window dressing. Merrill, my step-mom Cherie and my MIL Jan were my pit crew. I needed them. Jan is good for cheerfulness and food and hugs and kisses. Cherie is the type of person that when you lean forward in bed she fluffs your pillows, she also takes over the care and feeding of my father who is very emotional in situations like this. And Merrill knows how to communicate with me as a peer. She tells me what I am feeling is normal or not normal, she steers me in the right direction, I even let her grab my nipple and shove it in Mike's mouth for his first feeding. By the time I got around to having Jake, Merrill was back in school finishing her degree. Jake's birth coincided with finals and Merrill told me she might not make his birth. I of course understood but on the inside I was panicky. Jake was a good boy and made sure she was in the room when his daddy delivered him.

And speaking of back to school. Merrill finished her degree with 2 kids in elementary school and took care of my family while I was on partial bed rest!! I will never stop being impressed by that. And I feel like I never truly told her to her face how grateful I was, I was sooo preoccupied with my uterus.

She also got honors. And when I took my monkeys to her graduation she snatched Jake and showed him off to all of her friends.

And now Auntie M has moved to San Ramon! And I love it because she picks up Mike and takes him places. And they come over here and party . And just last weekend I went and got the damn stomach flu. It was bad and Erik decided I needed to go to the E.R. for some I.V. fluids. I called Merrill that morning and not only did we wake them up but her girls were at their grandmother's! So she was kid-free and sleeping in and I woke them up and asked them to come watch my kids so Erik could take me to the E.R. When I got home my youngest was napping and Merrill had cleaned my house.

I did not grow up with sisters, I have 2 younger brothers, 5 step-brothers and 3 step-sisters. My step-sisters are sweet but we did not grow up together. Now at the ripe old age of 38 I get to have a sister. In fact Merrill is wearing my cute, new jacket out tonight and I recently borrowed a dress of her's to wear to Erik's 20th high school reunion. Unfortunately we don't wear the same shoe size. But damn just think if we did.................this would be the perfect relationship.

Pure Randomness

I forgot how evil sleep deprivation is. I had insomnia last night, and for no good reason at all. And then just as I fell asleep I had a visitor, and then I fell asleep and got another visitor. To new parents let me tell you something; just when you get your bedtimes perfect, your child will reach a new milestone, and their bedtimes go to Hell.

We have "potty-trained" our youngest, hence the new milestone, and tons more laundry. And washing a urine soaked Britax Marathon car seat......why it's just delightful. And I know because I have done it before. Just when you think it's safe to remove the beach towel, it's not.

So today I am tired and I have been running late all day and forgot one kid's lunch and had to hand-deliver another child's lunch after school started. Don't worry my oldest never eats his lunch anyways, I just pack him one so I look good.

I showed up late to a play-group this morning at a person's house I have just met. She has 2 boys, but when I walked in I saw a snow-globe on a side table. My heart leaped into my throat and I started to pray that my 3 year old didn't see it.  Phew! He immediately became obsessed with the ceiling fans instead. I used to own decorative holiday snow globes too. But my 2 boys look at a globe and think, "Hey, a ball!".  Shattered snow globes are not decorative. And they are a bitch to clean up.

At my oldest son's elementary school they are going to have a multi-cultural fair.  Families are to set-up booths representing their culture. I have been amusing myself all morning thinking how awesome it would be to have a White Trash booth. I could shape the booth like a trailer and wear cut-off shorts and nylons and serve Twinkies, Spam and Wine from a box. But that wouldn't be appropriate.

Original Lyrics By Michael

Michael: "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled poopers.".

Me: "That's not it."

Michael: "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a pistol in a pear tree.".

Me: "Please, do not sing that at school.".

Everyone is giving John Boehner a hard time for crying. Before I became a mother, I believed men should only cry when they are present at a birth, death or on mushrooms. Now I am trying to be more compassionate and fair. It's hard. I look at my kids' lives and can't imagine why they would be crying, except if they are in physical pain. I practice empathy daily. And as for John Boehner, you have to give credit to a guy who has convinced America that his last name rhymes with complainer not owner. 

Ha ha, you thought I was going to say boner.

One more thing. I just finished an excellent book! "A Quiet Belief in Angels", by R.J. Ellory.  Actually that is probably why I had insomnia last night, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's a little morbid but has a happy ending.

Weight Watcher's Menus Week #1

This is a re-run.  How funny that last year I was slimming down for a cruise and now I am slimming
for a trip to Las Vegas. And tonight Auntie M is coming over with her brood and we are having a last hurrah. This time a buffett of junk food. Tommorrow back to health and exercise and adequate sleep.



I am going on a cruise Feburary 14th so starting next week, I need to get serious about diet and exercise.

I will share my menus and recipes with you. It's your choice whether you follow it or not. I will list Weight Watchers points for the majority of food items and when I list a brand name it's not because I am getting paid (because I am not that smart), it's just for your convenience.

New Year's Eve, The Last Hurrah!

I am not listing the points for this meal, I don't want to know.

Breakfast= coffee, a couple of cookies

Lunch=leftover pizza

Dinner=Hamburgers with blue cheese and bbq sauce on sourdough buns.
Onion rings and/or french fries
lettuce and tomato for color
beers

Snack=sparkling wine
popcorn with frozen M&Ms

The Last Weekend of Indulgence

Breakfasts= omelettes with meat, cheese and veggies and toast with a ton of butter.
Lunches= Leftovers and cookies.
Dinners= Leftover fattening foods from freezer, leftover treats, finish off beers.

Detox Monday

Breakfast= Mini wheat bagel with 2 Tbs. lite veggie cream cheese = 4 points

Lunch= soup, 2 cups= 2 points (3 cans of black beans 2 of them drained and 1 undrained, dumped into pot with a can of fire-roasted diced tomatoes with juice, 1/2 cup chicken broth, a pinch of anise seeds(optional), a pinch of dried sage (optional) and salt and pepper to taste, and Tabasco to taste. Simmer and eat with 2 Tbs of Fat Free Sour Cream, good stuff!

Snack choices= hard-boiled egg and a V-8= 2 points, Jolly Green Giant 1 lb. 8 oz. bag cauliflower, broccoli, carrots and cheese (yes the whole bag)=5 points, lettuce with Marie's lite blue cheese dressing 2 Tbs. and a few croutons=2 pts., canned green beans, drained, add a splash of balsamic vinegar and dash of pepper= 0 pts.

Dinner= Teriyaki Turkey Burgers with Pineapple and Lettuce= 6.5 pts.

Oh Fuck, It's Only Tuesday?!

Breakfast= Egg, bacon, veggies. Scramble one egg, with 1/2 cup sliced mushrooms, slice Canadian bacon=3 pts. Scarf this down take kids to school.

Lunch= Soup from yesterday= 2pts.

Snack choices= 5 cups (over 90% Fat Free) microwave popcorn= 1 pt., 1 cup grapes=1 pt., 1 cup baby carrots with 2Tbs. Marie's lite blue cheese dressing=1 pt., small can of V-8 0 pts.,

Dinner= Thai Beef Salad 4 servings= 4 pts. a serving

Hump This, Wednesday!

Breakfast= whole wheat mini bagel 2 Tbs. lite veggie cream cheese

Lunch= Frozen Weight Watchers meal= 5 pts.

Snack choices= 2 slices FF (FF means fat free from now on) Swiss cheese, wrap around 1 oz slice sandwich meat, dip in mustard= 3pts. Shove in face, chug a diet soda = 0 pts., take kids to dance class, try not to burp on everyone.

Dinner= BBQ Chicken Salad = 6 pts.

It's Close Enough to Friday to Start Drinking (don't drink and drive, don't beat your kids)

Breakfast= Creamy Oatmeal= 1 packet plain instant oatmeal stir in 1/2 cup light yogurt= 3 pts. (No sugar! No Butter!)

Lunch= Sushi (I hate Sushi, I am just putting this here for my friends) 4 lrg pieces California roll, 6 small piece tuna roll= 5 pts.

Snack choices= 1 large orange = 1 pt., 1.5 oz. low-fat mozzarella cheese with two tomato slices, splash balsamic vinegar= 3pts.


Dinner= Bacon, Corn and Clam Chowder= 4 pts.
Beer= 3 pts.
Lite beer= 2 pts.

Family Friday
You made it through the work week!!! Don't blow your diet over the weekend, you can do it!

Breakfast= Any choices from above.

Lunch= Garden Veggie Soup= 0 pts. per serving, 4 servings.
Use as many pre-cut, pre-diced veggies as possible; carrot, onion, cabbage,canned green beans, tomato, zucchini. I use one small clove crushed garlic. (you can use more, I have a moderate allergy to garlic so too much is bad, remember that when reading my recipes). 3 cups fat free beef or chicken broth. Dried herbs to taste (basil, oregano etc.) and Salt to taste.
Saute all veggies in non-stick spray for 5 minutes THEN ADD GARLIC, then add broth and spices. Simmer 10 minutes, eat.

Snack Choices=1 medium apple= 1 pt., 1 large banana= 2 pts., breakfast choices from above.

Dinner= Order a large pizza 1/2 veggie. 1 large slice of veggie pizza= 6 pts.,salad with 2 tsp. olive oil and vinegar of choice= 2pts., bowl of zero points soup from lunch=0 pts., beer/wine=3 pts. Total= 11 pts.

Scrounging Saturday (no cook and finish off leftovers)

Breakfast= breakfast choices from week before. Finish off those bagels before they get stale, make a fruit salad before the bananas get brown.

Lunch= Leftovers from dinners and lunches. Pizza from last night, Salad, soups, load up those bagels with veggies, lite sandwich meats and lite cream cheese.

Dinner= Scrambled eggs with the FF Swiss or Cheddar cheese (1 egg white +1 whole egg per person) and tons of veggies. Sprinkle tabasco all over.= 3 pts., Beer= 3 pts., 2 slices wheat toast with tiny bit of butter= 4pts. Total 10 pts.

Starter Sunday (food to fuel your busy next week)


Breakfast= 3/4 cup bran flakes with 1/2 cup FF milk and 1 cup strawberries= 3pts.

Lunch= Make 0 pts. soup so it's ready for your lunches and snacks next week. 1/2 cup cooked whole wheat pasta mixed with 1/4 cup canned in water tuna drained, 1/2 cup chopped celery, 10 small black olives, 1/4 cup shredded FF mozzarella cheese, 1/4 cup white beans, toss with 2 Tbs. FF Italian dressing. All of that is 6 pts. that's alot of food.

Snack Choices= 1 oz baked tortilla chips with 1/2 cup FF salsa (most salsas are FF check label)=2 pts., 1 packet sugar-free fat-free hot cocoa made with 1/2 cup FF milk= 2 pts.

Dinner= Bacon Cheese Turkey Burgers with Special Sauce

Go to bed early. And tomorrow remember to drink more water.