New Traditions & Thank You Cards

Before my 3 day hospitalization last week ,whenver anyone came to my door, friend or foe, it was like owning 3 Chihuahuas instead of 3 kids. Everyone came scrambling and chattering towards the front door. Total chaos. If you were a friend you were invited in, and if you were a foe I gave you major attitude, while I tried to keep my offspring from pissing on your leg.

Now a week after being released from the hospital, when somebody rings our bell, Mike and Bekah hide because they think mommy is going to leave again, and somebody else is going to take over. That is my theory. Jake doesn't hide, he has now realized there is food involved. this is how it goes:

Doorbell rings or there is a knock on door; Mike and Bekah dissappear and get silent.

Jake grunts and hustles to front door and looks up at me expectedly as I limp and sweat towards the front door.

Mom Friend: (These aren't exact quotes)
"Oh my G-d you look great" ( because we are all sick bitches who want to lost 10 pounds by I.V./liquid diet, don't lie!! )
"My kids are in the car and they are being horrible, so I have to run."
"This food is just awful and it's the best I can do".
or
"I really didn't cook this, because if I did cook for you then you would end up in the hospital again.".

So basically this is how we were raised right? As women we are to diminish our helpfulness? Like anything short of coming in and raising my kids and sucking off my husband is completely sub-par? Trust me it's not, I am grateful, for everything.

My response at the front door:
"Oh thank you hopefully I can keep up the weight loss momentum with a work-out in the gym when I have more energy.". (Pathetic, but true)

"Oh well I don't want your kids to overheat in the driveway and I am sorry my kids aren't saying Hi, I actually have no idea where they are."

"I totally appreciate any dinners that anyone brings because I know that everyone is super busy with their own lives. I am touched beyond belief by the overwhelming service to my family, and humanity as a whole ,and right now I would give my left tit for a cheeseburger." Ok that's definitely not an exact quote but my left tit is the best thing hanging on this body, so that's damn serious.

After we exchange those American born and raised female pleasantries I gather up the food and head for the kitchen. My plan is to keep food warm until dinner time and fix a plate for when Erik gets home. Jake climbs into his high-chair and looks at me with great expectation. Pupils wide, eyebrows raised, drool. Jake is now averaging 4 meals a day plus at least 3 snacks. This is the best thing that has ever happened to him, he loves food. His dinner was a bowl of turkey chili,with cheese, 3 corn muffins with butter, and a 1/2 can of pears in juice. He only weighs 36 pounds and that was just dinner!

Bekah and Mike crawled out of the woodwork looking for brownies and were thrilled to find corn muffins. A dozen corn muffins are now gone in less than 5 hours.

My diet sucks!! I am eating poached eggs in miso broth, pureed veggie soups, dairy free instant mashed potatoes and anything with a fiber content of less than 1 gram. I have actually ordered poached eggs in miso in a restaurant but it contained udon noodles and tempura shrimp, totally different entree. And the steroids make me nauseous and appetite free anyways. I need to find a physician who does medical marijuana.............because it's so hard to find weed in Northern California..........

Moving right along.

So here is another raised in the United States woman thing that you are supposed to do; thank you cards. It's right, it's polite, it's expected, it's just not going to fucking happen. And here is why; my attention span is ridiculous. If I were to actually send a thank you card on stationary, with a stamp, through the mail, it would take effort that would kill me. This is what happens when I go to send a thank you card for anything: I get a babysitter, I am excited to see another adult so I waste at least 15 minutes boring her to death with details of my life, I grab a huge coffee and go upstairs to my "home office", remove cat and other random shit, open blinds, stare at nothing for 15 minutes, pee, turn on computer, get completely sidetracked by email, Facebook, blog and twitter, gather up all addresses from hardcopy, email, and post-it notes,find $.32 stamps and realize that's not going to get me far, pee, get totally distracted by email, Facebook, blog and twitter, get hungry, eat lunch, find thank you card stationary, address 2 thank you cards, get so tired I can't keep eyes open, remove cat from bed, pass out. Get up, go to bank, pay sitter, feel like an asshole and yell at kids.


So I am going to thank you all here and now, because that's the best I can do at this point in my life.

Merrill= Bringing me mags in hospital and major kid wrangling.
Janice= Kid wrangling, food, visits, cute holiday decorations, laundry, phone calls, flowers, taking care of your son, etc.
My mom= kid wrangling, food, visits, spending the night, taking abuse.
Rebecca= Orchid which I have not killed, card, taking Mike for playdate, anything else you have ever done.
Julie B.= Much appreciated food and my mom was ready to go home with you. I swear you are the nicest person.
Barb= Even though you are completely sick with the first trimester love you came over and took care of my boys. You even did laundry and fed them. I will tell you right now that they so heavily medicated my ass that I barely remember you being here, so it was imperative that another adult was here and I am so glad it was you.
Julie C.= Ladybug card and banana bread showed up at the exact same time poison meds hit my blood stream. That was good because the extra emotiaonality made me re-set my priorities. I totally honor your breast cancer walk thing even though I am preoccupied with another body part right now.
Courtney M.= You seriously crack me up. Talking to you on my doorstep yesterday gave me a great chuckle. You are one of the few people that can understand that even though I am upset my 5 year old dropped the "F" bomb at school, I was grateful that he used it in a sentence. I love your sense of humor, and since your food is all gone it was obviously EDIBLE!!
Pam P. = So you brought turkey chili tonight and corn muffins that are already gone! This is the ridiculous part of me having ulcerative colitis, I like veggies, I like beans, I like legumes!! A healthy colon lives off low-fat/high fiber foods right? Basically my colon should have a fucking cape and fly around the world. Give me your Dal, your split pea, your cruciferous vegetables, your whole grains, a giant pot of 5 bean soup, and a pint of Guinness! No!!!!!!!!!!!! I can live like that until a flare-up and then it's all Wonder bread and whatever................
I took one whiff of your chili tonight and immediately split it in half and put it in the freezer. I can't wait until I am healthy because I will thaw that and put cheese, onions and fat free sour cream and eat it with a high fiber bread.

Love and gratitude