Invitation Only

For all people who enjoy my other blog "You Sure Do Have Your Hands Full" please give me an email address so I can invite you to read it. I have decided to make that blog private and this one public. I will be blogging a lot more on this site. As my kids get older, and less interesting, I will be blogging more about myself.

Just kidding! As my kids get older, I should respect their privacy more, so I will be blogging more about myself, because I really don't give a shit about my privacy.

Love,
Charlotte

Things On My Mind

The random thoughts in my brain are causing my frontal lobes to swell. I miss blogging, but I have been spending more time with the monkeys and Erik has been working a lot.

In preparation for my 20 year high school reunion I had my teeth whitened and my hair seriously lightened, to cover the gray. I was feeling vain and I got grumbling for my husband about the cash. Then I overheard some guy at the gym talking to his buddy, both of them were next to me on the treadmills. He said, "Hey dude I went to my 2o year high school reunion last weekend and it was really weird. Everybody had the same eyes and voice but their bodies were all misshapen."! I stepped off the tread and stumbled a little. His experience sounded like an episode of the Twilight Zone! I hope nobody thinks that way about me!

We took our kids to the circus for the first time last weekend. It was fun, but loud and intense. Looking at it through their eyes is rather scary. Mike hid under his seat when the elephants came out, he was terrified. Jake literally peed through his diaper and his little heart was beating, but he eventually relaxed. He was sitting on my lap and thankfully I was wearing black pants so the pee didn't show up, but I knew it was there, yuck. Bekah was perfectly fine except for the fit she threw over a $12 sno-cone that I refused to buy her. I thought the $12 cotton candy was sufficient.

My Dad calls me on Sunday to ask for a favor. I love my Dad so I say yes of course. He bought a baseball bat out of the trunk of some guy's car and left his other bat in there by accident. This man lives in Danville and my Dad wanted me to meet him to get his other bat. My Dad lives in Sacramento, 90 minutes away, so I said yes. I called this man and then met him in the Burger King parking lot to retrieve my Dad's bat. I guess the baseball bat business is good because the guy was driving a Jaguar. He was very nice and peeked into the van and said, "Oh wow you have 3 in there!". He then went on to say how funny my Dad is and how he has a million jokes and how nice he is. This provided me and the kids with at least 2 hours of conversation about Grandpa's baseball bat. Being Rankin Lyman's daughter has never been boring that's for sure. Yes my father's name is Rankin and his friends call him Rank.

My wonderful mother-in-law came and picked up Mike, my 5 year old, on Tuesday and took him shopping for a new backpack and lunch box and took him out to lunch. And she is babysitting for me this Saturday so I can go party with my N.E.O. Mom's Club. We are having our first annual N.E.O. Mom of the year and the margaritas will be flowing. Great thing about a mom's club is that there is usually a pregnant chick to drive your drunk ass home. The woman we are honoring has a masters in behavioral management, and I personally owe her thousands of dollars in consultation fees for the advice she has given me about my firstborn. Throwing her a party is the least we can do.

Octo-mom is back in the news with a documentary. I can't bring myself to watch it after hearing how sad it is with crying babies and children clamoring for attention. What a despicable woman.

And what's up with people bringing loaded guns to town hall meetings? In the George W. era they would have been squashed like bugs ,but Obama is letting them have the freedom to carry their guns. I am all about freedom but come on, that's so unsafe! What if one of these morons actually tried to assassinate our president and took out innocent men, women and children in the crossfire? When did health care reform become about the 2nd amendment? Unbelievable!

On the agenda:
My 20 year high school reunion in San Jose on the 29th of August

Mike and Bekah go back to school August 31st and honestly I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

Early September Erik and I are taking a mini-vacation, just the 2 of us in San Francisco.

And then drum roll please.........My brother's wedding in San Diego!! Mike and Jake are the ring bearers and Bekah is the flower girl so you know I will be torturing you with pictures. I will also find you some awesome guest bloggers to read while I am out of town. That went really well last time, I got a ton of appreciative comments and I enjoyed reading it too.

Peace out.

Two Free Tacos at Jack In The Box

Two Free Tacos at Jack in the Box today only.

Breakfast= 1 slice cold pizza thin crust (tomatoes, pineapple, ham and onion)=5 points
4 cups coffee, F.F. 1/2 and 1/2= 2 points
Lunch= 2 Tacos= 8 points
diet soda=0 points
Dinner=Tuna, Lentil, Feta, Spinach Salad= 3 points
Toasted Pita= 1 point
Fruit Salad=2 points
Wine= 2 points
Beer= 3 points

Don't eat shitty food while on a diet, it's not necessary!!!

The Blogs I Read

True you can scroll down this page and find a lot of these links on your own. But these writers need recognition. They inspire me and make me laugh. During the kid's naptime or while on a break at work you should check these blogs out. And follow them publicly too, so they feel validated and loved.





Other cool moms like me:


Crazy suburbia honest and open and funny. Tatoos and Diapers with a name like that you can't go wrong! I love this blog and she only has 7 followers!!? She is a 6 ft. tall tatooed mommy, I find her fascinating. The Claw, cute kids, smartass, husband is a doctor we have a ton in common!! And she let me guest blog on her blog once too and I want her to do that on N.E.O. Moms when I go to San Diego in September. Punkybean, I don't have any tatoos but I like tatooed blogging moms. Milk Breath and Margaritas, another I wish I had thought of that title for a blog! Wanna feel like a slacker? This chick has 7 kids and she still has enough brain cells to be funny.



Single Chicks I live Vicariously Through:

Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but sometimes I like to know what happens on the other side. Drollgirl is hilarious!! She finds the funniest pictures ever. Beauty is in the Eye of the Beerholder another why the hell didn't I think of that title. This chick puked in a cup on her 30th birthday and then got pissed and almost threw it on some rude party goers. A friend intervened. Love that story. A local girl and wicked smart, Shhhhhh. Young frustrated journalist, edgy, smart and funny. Sassy, sexy and Asian. I have nothing in common with her but I love her. This young woman teaches in a juvenile jail. She is deeply profound, artistic and black. I like variety in my life what can I say?

Thoughts From a Liberal Mom is political like me but writes better. Jocelyn's Corner is funny like me but writes better. Prepare to be offended!

And then of course there are my personal friends. I can't list all of them because some of their blogs are private. Mickie is the Official Buttwiper. Spanish Knitting Blog, her name is Sarah. Daphne used to be my boss. I went to college with her a long, long time ago. Clare wouldn't say shit if she had a mouthful, she's so nice. Barb is nice but she will say shit.

Enjoy!!!!

Fat Bitch, Skinny Bitch

I have been both, so I can say fat bitch, skinny bitch, with authority. I was pushing 2 bills when I was pregnant with Michael. I tipped the scales at 197 pounds and then my water broke. So post-partum I was easily a size 16-18.

Those extra rolls certainly didn't stop my husband from impregnating me with 2 more kids. That's what freaks me out about our society's obsessiveness with being thin. Straight men don't like super skinny women! So the only reason women are starving themselves are for other women.

Leafing through a magazine in a waiting room I came across a pictorial of an overly skinny girl in a bikini. I thought for sure the captions were going to read about how this young woman continues to struggle with eating disorders. No, she was actually a bikini model. I was repulsed and once I got into the doctor's office I shoved that magazine into the Bio-Hazard bucket where it belongs.

Along with most women my age I struggle with my weight, and it wasn't until my Dad survived a major heart attack that I realized I have to get serious about healthy eating. Once I made weight loss about health, and not beauty, it became so much easier to keep it off. And if some weight creeps back onto my belly, I don't become stressed out and depressed about it. I am almost 5 ft. 6 inches tall and I am not petite. I have hips, wide shoulders, wrists, ankles and my hands are almost as big as my husband's. So I know that to be 125 pounds would be a completely ridiculous weight goal for me. My healthy weight is between 140-145 pounds. I could weigh less but my quality of life would suffer, I like food, I just want to be healthy, not a model.

And like I mentioned before, straight men, and normal women aren't attracted to super skinny women. I have had a lot of platonic and not so platonic guy friends in my life and I can say with confidence that the picture below is probably near perfection for most men. (Assume I am talking about straight men). That's Scarlett Johannsen by the way, so you don't have to be anorexic to be a super star. I love this picture. She has a tiny bit of meat on her tummy, some healthy hips, thighs, her arms aren't scrawny and just like most women I know; her breasts aren't even the same shape/size.

I know a lot of men who would much rather rub sunscreen on Scarlet above instead of this stick in the picture below.

This girl looks like she would be a lot of fun to have a beer with, or go to the gym with, or go skiing/camping/hiking.

This chick would probably run out of breath doing anything physical and barfs after 2 martinis.

I want my swim suit models to fill out their swim suits. Good ole Claudia Schiffer, she was no toothpick.

Ewww, she is not wearing a bikini but 2 rubber bands. I want to force feed her a cheeseburger.

This chick might have a hard time finding jeans for her luscious booty, but I would rather go shopping and have lunch with her than some non-eating size zero.

Nobody would dare call this woman fat. Can you imagine?

So here is where my authority on thinness comes from. Yep that's me. I am way too skinny in that picture. I wasn't eating healthy enough and cared way too much about what I looked like. Now before some of you get your panties in a bunch about how dare I post a half naked picture of myself on the internet. Don't I respect my kids and family blah blah blad. Yes I do. I have a daughter now and I want her to know that I am happier with my body now after having 3 kids than I was in that picture at age 22. And if I wore that same outfit and posed like that again you would not recognize those 2 bodies in a line-up. But I am more attractive now because I am smarter and got my shit way more together. And that is way sexier than being able to see my hip bone.

I would rather have a beer with this chick.

Endometrial Ablation

That's what I had done yesterday, Friday July 31st. The brand name for it is called Novasure. Go to the website and you can read glowing testimonials from women who no longer have periods. And I am going to be one of them.

Most of my readers are women so I am just going to forge ahead here with the gory details. My periods were bad since the first one at age 12. So eventually I went on the pill and it controlled it nicely and that was that. Then 2 months before my wedding I go off the pill in anticipation of getting pregnant and I had some cramping but nothing too crazy.

Well I got pregnant on my honeymoon, and then again when Mike was 9 months old and then I got pregnant again when Bekah was about 7 months old. Basically for 3 years I was pregnant or nursing and did not have a period at all. Once I weaned Jake my monthly visitor came back riding a Harley, fully armed, and with a bitchy attitude.

My very first period came on a weekend to Las Vegas (I told you she was a bitch), and I was hit with a menstrual cramp so hard that I couldn't walk. I stopped in the middle of the casino floor and pretended to be searching through my purse for lipgloss. For anyone who has been in labor we are talking 5-6 cm. dilation with no epidural, that's how bad it hurt. I prayed that was just because it was my first cycle in 3 years.

Nope a few months later it continued and one Saturday morning while I was doubled over with cramps and irrationally yelling at my husband, he shot back, "You don't have to live like this and I don't want to live like this. You need to go see your OB. I wish I had an excuse to be a complete pyscho once a month.". He was forgiven for the last remark because he took the kids to the park so I could nap.

So I saw my nurse practioner who agreed that I am getting too old to go back on the pill and with a family history of strokes, that it's generally not a great idea. But before we went for the Novasure we decided to try large doses of naproxen (Aleve) 2 days before my period starts and continue it for 3 more days. And she prescribed some narcotics as well.

Genius! This method actually worked for a couple of months and I didn't even need the Darvocet. But then my cycle started to become irregular so I wasn't able to take the naproxen 2 days beforehand because I didn't know when it was going to start. Then the vomiting started. Then my cycle started to last 8-10 days leaving not too many good days out of the month to enjoy my life. I was ruining sheets and panties and losing sleep due to the painful cramping. I am sure you can figure out what a lovely mood this left me in and how parenting 3 small kids was a complete joy when you feel like Hell.

A recent blood test came back borderline anemic, and that made total sense, I was sooo tired. Finally I got an appointment with my busy OB and he cut me off in mid-sentence, "You really don't have to sell me on this, you are the perfect candidate for this procedure. You have 3 healthy kids, you are almost 40 years old, your body is healthy and your husband has had a vasectomy. Are you busy this Friday?". I was completely ecstatic!! That means for my upcoming 20 year high school reunion and my brother's wedding in September I would not be having a period!! Sign me up!

On my way home from that consultation appointment last Tuesday I was reminded of a friend whose mother had a full hysterectomy and asked her surgeon for her uterus. She took it home in a jar and I guess had a nice ceremony and buried it. I dug deep down into my heart but, I just could not dredge up the same feelings of sentiment towards my uterus.

I don't view this as a death, it's more like a divorce. We had an active 26 year relationship where she cradled 3 gorgeous babies for me. But then she turned into an unpredictable, belligerent hag and it was better for everyone to go our separate ways.