Fear of the Unknown

Hi, I'm Unknown Mami and I'm here to help you conquer your fear of the unknown. Not really. I'm here because the lovely Charlotte invited me to post while she is off having sex somewhere. It doesn't seem fair that she gets to go off and have sex while I'm left babysitting her blog so...

Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex....
-Salt N Pepa

I have nothing shocking or risque to share with you. It's true, I have sex, I like it. I'm insecure in other areas of my life, but when it comes to sex I feel good. If someone wants to see me naked, then I'm not going to be shy. I get what I want and I give as good as I get. The thing is I have no idea how I became so confident and secure in this area of my life because growing up my sex ed was just fucked up (pardon the pun).

Let me share some highlights.

The first time I found out about sex was after asking my mom about maxi-pads. I didn't know what they were for and she explained what a period was and the basics of how a baby is made.

Great!

But she led me to believe that maybe there was more than one way to get pregnant. For years, I was terrified of swallowing watermelon seeds because I was convinced the seeds would sprout and turn into a baby. Thank God for seedless watermelons! I remember being offered a slice of watermelon with seeds in first grade and saying, "No thank you, I don't want to get pregnant." Someone was kind enough to let me know that I could enjoy the fruit without becoming a "statistic".

In the 70's and 80's I would hear the term "humping". I hated the way it sounded. So vulgar! I knew that a man's penis went into a woman's vagina and then a baby was made (I didn't know that people had sex just for fun or that sometimes it wasn't a man and a woman). Sex was for making babies only. Why would anyone call that humping? Well, we got cable and I saw my first sex scene and apparently there was work involved. The man didn't just stick his penis into the vagina; there was movement involved from both the man and the woman. It wasn't like sticking a plug into a socket; it required the plug to be moved in and out of the socket. This was so shocking to me that I started crying. My mother asked me what was wrong and I said, "They're humping!"

In junior high I thought I had a handle on things. We saw the sex ed video and I trusted that everything was accurate, if not romantic. Then one day my mom got drunk at a party and started talking gibberish. She told me never to use a tampon because no one would want to marry me. Her point was that if I used a tampon I would no longer be considered a virgin and if I was not a virgin no man would want me. Okay?! That wasn't in the video.

Another relative taught me a wonderful lesson. She kept moving a sewing needle and asked me to thread it. Of course I couldn't. Then she said, "There is no such thing as rape." Whoa! Seriously?! So if I got raped it was my fault?

I could go on and on. So why am I telling you these stories? Because I know I'm not the only girl that grew up with these kinds of experiences and although I think they're funny now, it's bullshit. Knowledge is power and I wasn't being raised to be a powerful woman in charge of her sexuality.

I have a daughter and when she comes to me with questions about sex I am going to give her truthful, honest, age appropriate answers. I'm not going to wrap up her sex ed with religion or politics.

Sex is natural - sex is good
-George Michael

Remember don't fear the unknown, especially not Unknown Mami! Stop by and visit me sometime.

Bloody Nora, What Have I Let Myself In For?

When asked to guest post on Charlotte's wonderful blog, I was delighted; then she told me that the subject choices were sex, politics or/and religion. Oh dear, I thought, all those taboos our mother told us never to discuss in polite company. Then a smile slowly spread across my wee, rose-cheeked face and I rubbed my hands with glee.....sex, politics and/or religion....?

Excellent. Said in a Dr. No kind of way as opposed to Bill and Ted.

I considered politics; the recent spate of anti-Scottish websites and anti-Scottish feeling; you should see some of my emails that have sprung up because of a decision made by our Justice Minister was an option. People haven't read the actual facts and how Westminster were repeatedly contacted by the Scottish First Minister and the Justice Minister read his speech, it's pretty impressive to exclude the Lockerbie bomber from even being allowed possible consideration for transfer and that, despite reassurances, Westminster signed an agreement with Libya which did not exclude Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi. Scotland was outraged and spoke with Westminster who shrugged their shoulders, leaving Scotland no choice but to deal with this issue within the confines of Scottish law.

But then I decided against that as too emotive, not much chance for humour and religion or sex was much better suited to a guest position.

So talking of positions....apparently, a new Kama Sutra kama, kama, kama kama, kama chameleon, you come and blow, you come and blow oh oh oh has been discovered or a part of the Kama Shastra which contains amongst other works, the Kama Sutra. There are 64 types of sexual acts within 10 chapters but new revelation reveals there to be a further 5. That's right. Five positions you have NEVER even contemplated. Non Possible! I hear you proclaim in French somehow as it sounds better.

I know you're thinking right now what those 5 positions might be. I of course, get dressed in the morning with bluebirds tying my apron strings and mice fixing bows to my hair so I'd never think of such things.

Is it significant that this takes the number to 69? Are those extra 5 positions necessary to all sexual partnerships and have we been doing it wrong all those years? How awful. I was curious and searched the web, after seeing the original article in an obscure copy of a local paper but alas severe disappointment later, I can find no information/pictures or comments.

You'd have thought that at least some people would have gotten their hands on such relevant information and tried it out, simply for our amusement knowledge and potentially increased sexual health benefits. That's what the freaks sexperts are all about after all, isn't it? So keep your eyes peeled and if you hear of anyone extolling the virtues not really a word I should be using here, is it? of the 69, reconsider your opinion on what they may be talking about and ask them immediately to send a message to me, including feedback, pictures and real time footage. For research purposes only.

Ah, religion. I personally subscribe to His Noodleness, the Great Spaghetti Monster and would like him to be recognised as the all knowing, all powerful. But that's just me. I take my religion like I take my life; with a little humour. This doesn't go down well with everyone though; I've known intelligent, good, kind people turn into gnarling, scary beasts at the mention of this subject. "Sooooo, you're a HUMANIST?" a friend somewhat strangely spat at me, with barely disguised disgust at my questioning of certain....beliefs. Beliefs which he monologued. Beliefs which he knew I didn't share but proceeded to shove down my throat. Beliefs which he believes to mean my children and I will burn in hell. It's kinda hard not to retaliate to that.

It's like this; I'm confused when it comes to religion. My husband is a scientist and smiles when he reads Dawkins. My gran was a religious zealot, bordering on insanity. My father joined a strange lodge type religious culture didn't last long, they were against alcohol and my mother sent us to Sunday School. She rolled her eyes when we suggested she come with us. I understand the concept of belief but can't help but guffaw when the children mention Adam and Eve. It's an instinctual response. Lucy believes despite this, Kelly doesn't but then, she is easily influenced and Fraser is on the fence when I say fence, I mean playing the x-box 360, hoping we'll shut up anytime soon.

When it comes down to it, I respect everyones right to have faith, I believe that there may be a God but not in the traditional sense and whereas I like a good discussion, this is definitely one that should be kept behind closed doors, unless you are prepared for the raining of random nutters ready to harass you at a moment's notice.

A doctor friend of ours was harassed by some stranger who had read his views which he'd stupidly voiced a bit like me, eh? I'm Scottish, I can take it, we'll set aboot ye! on a website, sought him out and metaphorically tried to douse him with fire; he called his place of work making false accusations, he sent him hate mail, a thousand spam mail daily and hacked his computer. He got hold of sensitive information, he blackened his name and yet this person considered himself to be a good, religious man. He continues to feel he is doing the work of God. Yeah...ooookay.

I am not anti-faith or anti-belief but I may be anti-religion, if it spawns this type of zealot but of course, every walk of life, every area has it's group of crazies so why would this be any different? Therefore, anti-religious does not cover it either: I am anti-nutter and proud of it.

Helen x

While The Cat's Away The Mice Will Play

I am going on vacation starting Monday and I have the most amazing line-up of guest bloggers for all of you! Seriously, this is going to be good! I chose the topics of Politics, Religion, and Sex. The 3 topics you are not supposed to bring up in mixed company should make for an interesting read.

Monday will start off with a bang with a post written by a cool chick I met on twitter. Hell Is on Heels.

On Tuesday, September 8th, the author of The Lilac Grove will be here. I know that sounds like she is all fluffy and sweet and possibly boring. No, no, no this girl drinks whiskey and is not afraid to lay it on the line.

Wednesday we are going international. I am dying to know what a Scottish mother of 3, who authors a cooking blog has to say about religion, politics and/or sex.

Thursday the 10th of September I will be boarding a plane with my husband, mom and all 3 of my offspring. This is also the day that a dear friend Julie will tackle these heavy duty subjects. She does not have a blog, but she is a small business owner, has 2 wonderful teenagers, and a mini farm, with goats, dogs, cats and chickens. I can't believe she can find the time to write something on my blog so I am also eager to read what she has to say.

Friday 9/11, an unlucky day if you are superstitious, so I decided to hand my blog over to a controversial figure. Billy Bob Neck will give us a redneck's view of life. I want to test my readers and see if they are really Not Easily Offended.

Saturday I will be attending my brother's rehearsal dinner and visiting with family in beautiful San Diego. This is also the day that The Claw will rend my blog with her wit. If you like me you will like her. She is a smartass, has 2 boys, husband is a physician and she is also a Saggitarius. What's not to like?

Sunday September 13th is my brother's wedding. My boys will be the ring bearers and Bekah will be one of the 3 flower girls. I will show you so many damn pictures when I get home you will run when you see me coming! How's this for a blog title, "Official Buttwiper"? Aren't you just kicking yourself for not thinking of that title first? I do everytime I read it. She is an asshole Republican and I am dirty hippie but we manage to get along great. (Mickie you called yourself an asshole Republican first :) )

The 14th and the 15th are wide open right now but I am working on it. I will not let you down.

And back by popular demand is The Unknown Mami. She was a guest earlier this year and everybody loved her writing. An Hispanic mommy, aspiring actor and cool chick.

Enjoy yourself!!

Del Mar High School's 20 Year Reunion Class of 1989

So last weekend I went to my 20 year high school reunion. As soon as I got home Sunday morning the requests on Facebook for pictures and information were flying. Most of them were worded, "Give me the dirt!", "Inquiring minds want to know.", "Hurry and upload some pictures. ". I did upload a ton of pictures on Facebook, on my personal page, and I had some minor dirt to share with close friends who couldn't make it, but seriously folks it was pretty tame.

I had a ton of fun the night before at the pole-dancing class I took! By the way if you ever want to do that make sure you stock up on Motrin and prepared to be bruised. I have horrible bruises on the inside of my right arm from swinging on the pole and the inside of my thighs..............well I used to date this really skinny guy with bony hipbones, that's what it looks like. Eventually you build up calluses, but at my reunion I felt compelled to tell people that my husband does not beat me.

The reunion was at the Santa Clara Hilton which was really nice and there was booze and dancing and good conversation. But unlike my husband's reunion nobody got naked or passed out in public.

Some people went outside and toked up, as evident by their breath and red eyes, and some single ladies ditched the party and went out bar-hopping. And I swear one guy may have been coked up that night. In all the pictures he looks like the devil because his eyes are so dilated they look like they have red laser beams shooting out. He used to be such a sweet boy.

The 20 year is really different from the 10 year high school reunion. At your 10 year a lot of people are still single or just got married. 10 years later most everyone is married, with young kids and some people are already divorced. I thought my life was complicated but I do not have step-kids or visitation issues, so I really shouldn't complain.

The whole experience just made me feel so grateful for my mate, kids, situation. When you see somebody you may not have had a lot of respect for and they aren't doing so great in life, don't lie, there is a part of you that feels satisfied. But when you re-connect with somebody who you really liked and who has made some bad choices in the last 20 years........it's just sad. I went back to our hotel room and gave Erik a big smooch.

My husband is wonderful. I can take him anywhere. He will talk to anybody! He tells me, "Well honey talking to strangers about personal stuff is what I do for a living. ". I know that but he wasn't at work he was at a party and it's obvious that he enjoys talking to people and they enjoy talking to him. I can go off with my girlfriends, or go to the bar, or go dance, and he is fine. I could never be with a man that you have to baby-sit or that clings to you, or pouts in a corner. How awful!! And when he does get bored or tired, he just goes back to our room, he doesn't get annoyed or jealous or possessive.

I have only uploaded two pictures from that night because I didn't get permission from others and because my damn camera was having issues. Hint, hint my birthday is in December. As you can see by my giant smile and squinty eyes I had been drinking. Pictured with me is Meshell, who is one of the most beautiful people on the inside and out, she has not changed her heart since like 7th grade. We lost touch but she only lives about 10 minutes away so we will be hanging out again.

And there is my wonderful, awesome, not annoying husband. Stupid camera.

So I need to hook you all up with some guest writers. I will work on that later this afternoon or evening. Erik and I are doing a mini-vacation to San Francisco next week and then when we come back we are heading to San Diego for my brother's wedding. Taking all 3 kids on an airplane!! Eeeeek!!

Fat Bitch, Skinny Bitch

I have been both, so I can say fat bitch, skinny bitch, with authority. I was pushing 2 bills when I was pregnant with Michael. I tipped the scales at 197 pounds and then my water broke. So post-partum I was easily a size 16-18.

Those extra rolls certainly didn't stop my husband from impregnating me with 2 more kids. That's what freaks me out about our society's obsessiveness with being thin. Straight men don't like super skinny women! So the only reason women are starving themselves are for other women.

Leafing through a magazine in a waiting room I came across a pictorial of an overly skinny girl in a bikini. I thought for sure the captions were going to read about how this young woman continues to struggle with eating disorders. No, she was actually a bikini model. I was repulsed and once I got into the doctor's office I shoved that magazine into the Bio-Hazard bucket where it belongs.

Along with most women my age I struggle with my weight, and it wasn't until my Dad survived a major heart attack that I realized I have to get serious about healthy eating. Once I made weight loss about health, and not beauty, it became so much easier to keep it off. And if some weight creeps back onto my belly, I don't become stressed out and depressed about it. I am almost 5 ft. 6 inches tall and I am not petite. I have hips, wide shoulders, wrists, ankles and my hands are almost as big as my husband's. So I know that to be 125 pounds would be a completely ridiculous weight goal for me. My healthy weight is between 140-145 pounds. I could weigh less but my quality of life would suffer, I like food, I just want to be healthy, not a model.

And like I mentioned before, straight men, and normal women aren't attracted to super skinny women. I have had a lot of platonic and not so platonic guy friends in my life and I can say with confidence that the picture below is probably near perfection for most men. (Assume I am talking about straight men). That's Scarlett Johannsen by the way, so you don't have to be anorexic to be a super star. I love this picture. She has a tiny bit of meat on her tummy, some healthy hips, thighs, her arms aren't scrawny and just like most women I know; her breasts aren't even the same shape/size.

I know a lot of men who would much rather rub sunscreen on Scarlet above instead of this stick in the picture below.

This girl looks like she would be a lot of fun to have a beer with, or go to the gym with, or go skiing/camping/hiking.

This chick would probably run out of breath doing anything physical and barfs after 2 martinis.

I want my swim suit models to fill out their swim suits. Good ole Claudia Schiffer, she was no toothpick.

Ewww, she is not wearing a bikini but 2 rubber bands. I want to force feed her a cheeseburger.

This chick might have a hard time finding jeans for her luscious booty, but I would rather go shopping and have lunch with her than some non-eating size zero.

Nobody would dare call this woman fat. Can you imagine?

So here is where my authority on thinness comes from. Yep that's me. I am way too skinny in that picture. I wasn't eating healthy enough and cared way too much about what I looked like. Now before some of you get your panties in a bunch about how dare I post a half naked picture of myself on the internet. Don't I respect my kids and family blah blah blad. Yes I do. I have a daughter now and I want her to know that I am happier with my body now after having 3 kids than I was in that picture at age 22. And if I wore that same outfit and posed like that again you would not recognize those 2 bodies in a line-up. But I am more attractive now because I am smarter and got my shit way more together. And that is way sexier than being able to see my hip bone.

I would rather have a beer with this chick.

I am Alone

All 3 kids are in camp this morning! 9a-1pm M,W, and F. of this week they are in a day camp at our temple. I seriously can't decide what to do with myself.

Do I go get a mani/pedi, go shopping, drive home and masturbate with my bedroom door wide open? Nope. The first thing I did was finish filling out their paperwork, because of course I can't leave them there without it, and I hadn't done it yet. I am a master procrastinator. That took me a fucking hour and 15 minutes! Is this day camp or the secret service. Damn!

Jake cried when I left but he's in good hands, and Mike and Bekah were consoling him. I felt a twinge of sadness but it was fleeting. As soon as I saw the Starbucks sign I was over it. Now I am sitting here with my laptop, a quad shot non-fat mocha, a 1/2 eaten banana and I still don't know what the hell to do with myself.

I guess I will start with some blogging and schedule them to be posted periodically throughout the summer. You probably figured out that I gave up on my Weekly Weight Watchers recipes. Commitment is a challenge for me, probably why I didn't get married until I was 32 years old. I will post a recipe here and there, especially since I would really like to lose at least 5 more pounds before my 20 year high school reunion August 29th. But the weekly thing was an idea suited for somebody way more organized than I am.

Wednesday I do have an appointment and during this free time maybe I will go see the dentist and get my hair colored. That's not frivolity, the gray is coming in with vengenance. I believe I shall go as blonde as my eyebrows will let me. Why not?

I want to have fun and enjoy myself but I feel the need to balance this alone time with some real errands or work since my poor husband is slaving away at the moment.

Speaking of my husband we had a fight last week. We never fight. We snap at each other now and then, because we get tired and irritable but that's about it. Last week I was gently informing him that since my brother is getting married in September there are a bridal shower and a bacherlorette party on the books and I need his call schedule so I can figure out which one to go to. Of course I am leaning towards the bacherlorette party since that will be more fun. Well you think that I had asked him to serve me his balls on a platter.

He got all quiet and pouty looking and I asked him, "Are you pouting?". And he said, "A little." And I asked, "Why?". And he said, "Because you just got back from a bacherlorette weekend and left me with the kids.". "Well honey you are welcome to have a weekend alone with your guy friends too. You can go on that ski weekend with the guys from the hospital this year. As long as you stay away from the bad, slutty husbands.".

That didn't seem to cheer him up. And a few minutes later he said, "You can only go to one event! I am putting my foot down! You are only allowed to go to one event!".

At first I wanted to laugh hysterically! Then I realized he was serious. Dark anger washed over me, I had to take deep breaths, I was standing next to a block of knives, my hands were slippery from washing dishes, this could get very ugly.

Of course I was only planning to go to one event, not both. I may be a lot of things but I am not unfair. I wouldn't like it if he left me alone multiple weekends to party with his friends and family. Having kids is about sacrifice and I don't expect to have the carefree social life I used to lead. But I wasn't going to tell him that now, he pissed me off! And this wasn't drinking with my girlfriends, these are wedding events, for family, my brother!!!

I have come a long way baby when it comes to my anger management. I resisted the urge to yell and throw stuff and swear and call names. Well almost. I said, "What are you a fucking Promise Keeper?!". You know those right-wing Christian men that promise to uphold their marriage vows but really just boss their wives around? Erik said, "What?!" I said through clenched teeth, "You can't put your foot down and tell me what to do. What if this was your family member getting married? Do you think I wouldn't let you go?!." Then it deteriorated into the age old he works and I stay home and eat Bons Bons fight. Nice.

I walked away from that and went back to my Bons Bons, and dishes and kitchen floor and yelling at the kids. Then we both calmed down.

I sat on his lap and he apologized and said he was just really tired and he didn't mean to say that. And I said, "Honey I was only going to go to one event anyways, I am not an asshole. And you can go out and party with your buddies anytime, seriously, I owe you." . So we made up and it's all good!

I just didn't want you to think my life was perfect.

Breastfeeding a 3rd grader, Judgemental moms, Other random thoughts

The other night my husband and I happened upon a 20/20 episode on breastfeeding older children. I have read on other blogs that the entire show was on extreme mothering,but Erik and I only saw the breastfeeding segment.

Ok so one of my rules to be a N.E.O. mom is to let other women make the choice to do what they want to do with their bodies and children. Another rules is that rules are meant to be broken, and that is what I am going to do now. 20/20 showed a woman breastfeeding 2.5 year old twins, yawn, big deal. Then a woman was shown nursing a 5 year old, not my thing but he seemed rather babyish so maybe it was appropriate for their family. Then they showed a woman breastfeeding her 8 year old daughter. Ewwwww!

I was already wearing a bra by the time I was 8 years old! I realize I was an early bloomer, so I started thinking about my 8 year old niece,who is more average,and I could not see her being interested in breastfeeding either.

In a third world country where water is unsafe with an inadequate food supply, breastfeeding your children to the age of 8 makes sense. In a country such as the U.S. or U.K. I just don't see that it is necessary, or even beneficial, if we think about a child's emotional development. And I am not anti-breastfeeding at all, I nursed all 3 kids, I just had no desire to do it forever.

Ok I need to talk about something else now. I love evites. You can see who is attending the same party that you have been invited to and that's very important when you recently had to quit a mom's club that you accidentally blew up. So I was invited to a lovely child's birthday party this morning, and I was checking the evite to see who would be there. "Hmmm, oh good I like that chick, oh good I miss her too, phew thank G-d she won't be there, oh shit not her and her too!?". But I am a mature woman and would never do anything to ruin a child's birthday. And my sweet husband said, "I am your friend honey and I will talk to you.".

So I visited with the mom of birthday child who is a friend, and I hung out with some friends from my new and improved mom's club, and I got to visit with 2 women that I miss from the old mom's club. The other 2 women I ignored.

Unfortunately one of those women is not to easy to ignore. She falls into that extreme mothering episode from 20/20. Strongly opinionated and super judgemental. She doesn't vaccinate her child. Do I need to say more?

Well after free play the kids started munching on pizza and that always brings up the topic of picky eaters,of which my oldest is known for being the pickiest. Somebody said something about Dino nuggets (my oldest's favorite food) and annoying mom goes off, "Oh that is not the child,that is all the parents' fault. They just need to offer their kids other foods and they will eat them.". I had to leave the room. You are probably thinking that is no reason to be annoyed but she said this in a very loud voice, totally directed at me and I am not good at being quiet so I just walked out to check on my Dino nugget eating 4 year old.

Later , said 4 year old shows up to eat cupcakes. Don't worry I always feed him before parties because I know he doesn't eat pizza. I just feed him before the party so I don't have to fight with him about food, and then he can have cupcakes after everyone else is done eating their lunch. So Mike was being silly and said, "Look I have a moustache.". It was all frosting from his cupcake on his upper lip, cute. Annoying mom immediately starts asking him in the most patronizing voice possible, "What color is the frosting Mike? Can you tell me? Do you know what color that is?". My oldest looks at her blankly and makes an unintelligible noise like he just got off the short bus. Jeez Mike throw your mother a bone! It would have been the perfect time for him to say, "Why yes this frosting is a lovely shade of indigo.".

Once again I chose to leave the room instead of kicking her in the face. I am no Miss Manners but I am pretty sure that kicking another mother in the face is not appropriate behavior at a child's birthday party.

In her defense, annoying, judgemental mom was so busy pointing out other parents' faults she didn't say anything about the old mom's club being blown up. Another guest that I like very much did say that the club I quit is dead now! She said it's boring and nobody shows up to anything. So I asked her if she would like to join our new informal group and she was very enthusiastic. It makes sense the old club is dead, we stole all the women that don't have sticks up their asses.


So just when I think that old mom's club drama is dead it gets brought up again. Sometimes quite innocently like mentioned above when I am told it's boring now that I am gone. Which I find flattering. Other times that fiasco is brought up at the most bizarre moments.

Recently I recognized a woman from my oldest's previous preschool in the line at the grocery store. We said Hi and she mentioned that she heard of me recently because some neighbors were talking about what had happened with the mom's club. What?!! How small is this damn suburb?!!

This makes me nervous because I don't know who her neighbors are, but she puts me at ease and says that she agrees it was really stupid for me to have to quit. Phew. She then goes on to say that they miss me, "Especially Sharon.". That's great except I don't know anyone named Sharon! So Sharon misses me and she has never met me? These women need a new hobby.

Then at the gym wrapped in a towel,making small talk with another woman, this woman blurts out, "So what happened with your mom's club?". Unbelievable. So I try to briefly explain it, but I start to get fired up talking about it and I use my hands a lot when I am talking and my towel falls to my ankles. Awkward.

My advice is always be careful what you say and what you email, especially if you live in suburb, small town or associate with a lot of women that have sticks up their asses.

My Lazy Ass Weekend

Yesterday I did not shower or wear a bra all day. I was so lazy it was ridiculous. And today doesn't look much more productive.

Friday night I went to a sex toys party at Auntie M's and that was a blast. In fact it was sooo much fun my husband let me sleep in until 10am! I was hanging a little.

At 10:30am Saint Sarah, my kids' babysitter, picked up Michael for the day. On her own time and money she took him to the Academy of Sciences in San Francisco for his birthday gift. I offered her money but she wouldn't take it! Sarah also bought him lunch, a t-shirt, a toy and toys for Jake and Bekah. Can you understand why I call her a Saint? And no you can't have her phone number, she's mine, all mine!

Then my dear husband woke up from his nap and took Bekah to the gym with him and I put Jake down for a nap and slithered back into bed for another hour. LAZY!

I did manage to do some laundry, dishes and housecleaning and I took a picture of this cute faun below. But the majority of Saturday my ass was planted firmly on my couch with my laptop open. And I discovered the addictive properties of twitter. At first I just didn't get the concept, I update my status on Facebook all of the time why would I need twitter? But the whole Iran revolution thing got me hooked, and now I am finding all kinds of interesting characters out there. In fact I guess I was hungover enough yesterday to be gullible enough to think this guy was real. His stage name is Billy Bob Neck and he posted a petition on twitter for fetal consent to abortion. WTF?! It was so obviously a joke but I was moving so slow yesterday I thought it was for real. I actually sent him an outraged twitter. He is actually a comedian, and Billy Bob Neck is his character. How embarassing that I didn't figure it out right away.

So after we put the kids to bed I made an awesome steak and potato salad with a horseradish and red wine vineagrette. Erik and I drank 2 bottles of champagne and watched Jack Ass 2 (the movie). Being married to your best friend is, well, it's the best!!

This morning started off with Erik dragging both Bekah and Jake into our bed at 6am. Then he promptly fell back asleep and started snoring while they tortured me. So I kicked them all out of bed and slept until 8:45am. I relieved Erik so he could nap and I downed a pot of coffee and once again wasted time on the internet. After the caffiene kicked in I did manage to some more housecleaning and cooked everyone an early lunch. The steak and potatoes from last night scrambled up with some eggs, cheese, broccoli and red bell pepper made an awesome lunch.

I put Jake down for a nap, I showered and Erik took Mike and Bekah to the park to hang out with some of their buddies. I was holding the broom in my hand when they walked out the door but as soon as I heard the garage door close............well here I am again. Loser!

In my defense next week is going to be insanely busy:

Monday= Gym and swimming.

Tuesday= Going overnight to Santa Cruz with my monkeys, Auntie M, the cousins and crashing at a room my mom is renting for the week. That should be fun but exhausting. When my boys are around even a puddle of water they lose their minds, so the Pacific Ocean should be exciting for them. Bekah is a little more refined.

Wednesday= Recovery

Thursday= After the kids' morning music class, I have Saint Sarah all day. Grocery shopping, paying bills, filing, and if Erik is not on-call I would love to take him out to an early dinner date.

Friday= Single motherhood for me the entire weekend! Erik is scheduled to be on-call, which means he will be at the hospital most of the time.

Saturday=Going back to the Santa Cruz area for a mini high school reunion. I have a friend home from Australia and a friend home from Honduras and we are all meeting up at another friend's farm in Monterey. We are all bringing our small kids, doing bbq and potluck,playing music, and some clothing optional hot tubbing. We are spending the night too so nobody has to drive after beer and margaritas. My husband is very sad that he has to work both Tuesday and next weekend, these are his kind of events.

Sunday=Recovery.

So next week's busy schedule is my excuse for this weekend's extreme laziness. I did manage to shower today, but I am still not wearing a bra!

Just 4 Fun- Sex Toys Party

Me and my N.E.O. Moms had a sex toys party last night at Auntie M's house. Sex themed food was required for attendance. And not being easily offended helps of course. Dick cheese was Auntie M's contribution. Thanks to Meghan and her glorious rack for the dick cake. Kiwis make excellent balls.

The dick cake started to suffer from erectile dysfunction as the night wore on.

Danica's genius dessert was pound cake. Get it? Pound cake?

Pam's deviled boobie eggs on a Winnie The Pooh platter shows extra class.

Our newest bride Martine brought the nipple cookies. No discrimination here, all sizes and colors were represented.

Uhm, Julie was pressed for time. That tasted way better than it looked.

Jelly donuts. Use your imagination. I resisted posting a picture of Yvette rubbing cream on her nipples.

Chester the party dog wearing a dick nose disguise.

Looking good ladies. I ended up spending $158. and didn't realize it until I looked at the receipt this morning. Thankfully my husband let me sleep in until 10am.

Guest Bloggers, Party Pics, Renewed Commitment to Motherhood and Wifery

Wifery is not a word. If midwifery is a word why can't wifery be a word? I am still using it.

This is going to be a long post.

Thanks to all my guest bloggers!! Both in comments and in person, many of my friends told me how much they enjoyed the varied posts. You ladies rock!!

First things first. Last weekend kicked ass. Drunk before 5pm on a Saturday, girl-kissing, frontal nudity, pole-dancing, a penis whistle............that's what it's all about. For the sake of the bride I will not post nude pics (even though the nudity was my own), girl-kissing, or her face. She has a respectable job. Also her name really isn't "Lisa".

These pics are out of order, blogger hurts my brain sometimes. This is looking out the front door of the cabin. Excuse the wires I just wanted you to see that there is still snow in June. We stayed in a cabin in Truckee that belongs to Auntie M's in-laws. Way cool of them to let us stay there.

View off the back deck.

Mud-room. For native Californians, a mud-room is the entryway of a house in an area with bad weather. Like snow. I like that chandelier.




Front of the cabin, which is larger than my home by the way.

Living room of cabin and yes that is a feather boa you see in that box.

Stairs.

Awesome kitchen!!

I don't hunt either but I do have to say that the owner of this cabin "got" one of those bucks and his son "got" the other. And yes they do eat venison.

The view from the bedroom I stayed in.

I stayed in the "kid's" room and it was fine with me. I got to sleep in a bed by myself!!! For 2 whole nights!!!

Yep that's me. We were playing a card game and each card had a dare on it. "Lisa" picked dares for us to do and I got "Sip a drink from between a man's legs.". I am sipping beer from between this guy's legs. Yes my husband has seen this picture and no he doesn't care. I met this guy's wife too and she doesn't care either.

Drunk bride pole-dancing by 2pm. I told Auntie M she needs to do professional bacherlorette party planning.

Jack Black look-a-like with smelly pits. He was highly amusing. See the little penises on "Lisa's" veil.

I can't believe Auntie M and I look this good considering we had been drinking for hours!

She's beautiful. I am so glad my kids look like her. She is my husband's sister for those who are new to my blog. She is also my best friend and a total instigator of good times, and trouble.

Penis whistle.

Making money for the honeymoon.

I am sure you are wondering why we are taking a picture with a stranger in front of a train. Me and somebody else (I won't say who on this blog) flashed this train our titties. This guy is the conductor/engineer and he told us we made his day and took pictures with us. I will not post the flashing pictures because I was laughing so hard I couldn't suck my stomach in. That is not a pretty picture.

Damn that was fun! And I have to say that I took a cab back to the cabin from the bars, and was asleep by 10pm. I realized all of a sudden that, "Oh shit, I gotta go home and take care of 3 kids tommorrow.". That is really hard to do when you are hungover. I know because I have done it and I don't reccomend it.

So Truckee is about 3 hours from San Ramon and Auntie M did all the driving so it gave me time to think. Between reading trashy mags in the back seat I contemplated how just 2 nights away from my kids was a huge attitude adjustment. I felt so much better physically (sleep is good) and emotionally. I made a commitment to be less cranky, and sarcastic (who me?) and more engaged.

When I get stressed out I can emotionally dis-engage. I am sure I am not the only parent, or person to do this. So I may be blogging less because I need to talk to my husband more at night. And I want Erik to have a weekend away too, it's very beneficial.

Right now I am doing this post during naptime and we are stuck at home today because Mike has a fever. Poor monkey. Jake is getting over the croup too. Poor Bekah is healthy and is stuck at home with sick brothers. I am getting restless too but obviously I can't drag Mike and Jake out in public.

Anyways.......if any of my mom friends out there can take a break from your life I strongly urge you to do it! Vacations make better parents.

I Hate Prop 8

So today started off pretty awesome with a Hispanic woman being picked as a nominee, for our nation's Supreme Court. But then civil rights took a step backwards just as quickly as it progressed.



The horribly hateful Proposition 8 was upheld by California's Supreme Court. 6-1. To quote my brother Brandon, that is "6 justices who don't believe in civil rights.". I was angry and disappointed, but I turned off the television, and had a nice playdate with a friend and her adorable son. Then comes naptime, and my computer time, and now I am really angry after reading an article on S.F. Gate.

These are the paragraphs in particular that made me angry:



Among the first to go were Shawn Higgins and Robert Franco of San Francisco. The two men, who said they are engaged to marry, had stood for about an hour in the intersection calmly kissing while demonstrators all around them screamed, "Prop. 8 will go down, San Francisco (is a) big queer town" and other slogans.

Damn straight San Francisco is a big queer town! (excuse the pun) And don't you forget it! Who let the Prop 8 supporters over the bridges?!



Jorge Riley, 31, of Sacramento also got up early to make the drive to San Francisco to hoist his sign reading, "Gay = Pervert."

Seriously?! What a hateful, horrible person.

This is a civil rights issue, plain and simple. If you do not agree with me please do not read my blog, do not leave any comments on my blog, and do not follow my blog. Quietly go and unfollow me. And tell your friends not to read my blog. I am too angry and disgusted to be diplomatic right now.

I think rioting is completely warranted. I know that is a shocking statement, but think about it. Somebody is telling you that you can't get married. Think really hard about that........you can't marry the person you love. Wouldn't you feel outraged? Hurt? Demeaned? Feel less than a second class citizen? I would.

I want to take to the streets but I am ashamed to admit that I get caught up in the logistics of whose going to watch my kids while I am in jail. And honestly I don't want my kids around those hateful, ignorant Prop. 8 supporters. They frighten me, so I am sure they would frighten my kids.

This is the part of that article that gave me hope:

While some police officers kept watch from the outside of the protest circle, about 10 officers were positioned inside. Each of those 10 officers are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, said Lt. Lea Militello of the Tenderloin Station.


"Absolutely it affects me. I got married in October," she said.


Police Sgt. Carl Tennenbaum said the officers on the scene ranged from gay to conservative, and many had to say they had "mixed feelings would be putting it mildly." However, he said, "You just have to set the issues aside and do your job."

Maybe when supporters of Prop. 8 see that this truly affects "normal" citizens like police officers, they will begin to change their minds. I say this because I am under the impression that many supporters of this hateful legislation have only experienced stereotypes of homosexuals. They are not aware that gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals and transgender people come from every walk of life. So I believe we will have a chance to put this on the ballot again and make justice and equality for everyone.

More Blogging Nerdiness-Sexy Blogger

My awesome friend Clare has given me an award. I will take any recognition I can get.

So now I need to list 5 sexy things about myself:

1. After nursing 3 kids I still have a decent rack. Click on the word rack for proof. And if you don't agree I don't want to hear about it.

2. I am smart and funny. The type of person I am attracted to finds those qualities attractive, so to me, smart and funny is sexy.

3. I am NOT clingy and whiny. I guess there are some who find those 2 qualities endearing....... My husband does not get phone calls, text messages and emails from me all day long, even when we were just dating. I do don't jealous or posessive. I have no problem buying my man a lap dance, and I will go refill my drink while he is being entertained.

4. I love to be naked.

5. I am not afraid to talk, or be dirty. And I am not responsible where your imagination takes you with that one.

I am passing this award on to my blogging friend Sarah. I have not met her in person so I am not sure if she is sexy, but her picture is cute. And she is smart and funny, so she is 4/5 of the way there as far as I am concerned.

The Worth of a Mother

I am sure you have seen these calculators before. The ones that figure out how much a mother is worth in dollars. They always drag these out right before Mother's Day. Go check out the link above and enter your own stats, to see how much your paycheck would be. It figures in your zip code as well. Since I have 3 preschoolers and live in the San Francisco Bay Area I am worth $212, 000. That would be an awesome paycheck.

I guess I better get off my ass and earn that cash.

Has This Ever Happened To You?

Let me know if I am alone in this experience. Kids are bathed and it's storytime. I slip into some lingerie under a boring robe to let my husband know he is going to get lucky. Even better is the see-through negligee I put on is too big! I have lost so much weight even the string on the G is hanging. Don't worry I am not sick, I am a healthy 140 and a 36 D, I am not skipping meals.

We rush through some Dr. Seuss, fill up some sippy cups, rub some backs and turn out the lights.

20 minutes later I am on my back, each hand is clutching some freshly laundered sheets, my heels are dug in, my pelvis tilted and my eyes are ready to go double cherries and roll over and over like a slot machine. I am not exaggerating, I am seconds away from why I have 3 kids in the first place. And then screeeech, the brakes slam. An offspring is malingering at my bedroom door.

"Mom, it's me." This is done in a huge stage whisper.

"Mom, what are you doing?". Also hissed through the keyhole in my bedroom door. Why don't they ever ask for Daddy?

And I am so far gone, I actually think for a second that I can tune this voice out. I can go to a faraway place in my head and achieve my goal.

"Mom, it's me Michael." Really? Because I thought it was Brad Pitt coming to do back-up.

At this point 2 things go through my head: G-d hates me and if I was a man this would not phase me.

So instead I answer this voice.

"Go to bed", I hiss.

"NOW!", I growl, something like a werewolf.

"Mom?"

Ok that's it. I shove away source of pleasure, trying not to poke him in the eye, I levitate off the bed and fly towards locked bedroom door. At this point the gremlin has realized pain is coming his way and he starts to hustle off down the hallway. He's fast and he is through his bedroom door before I can get into the hallway. I am naked and enraged.

"Head on pillow, NOW!"

"ok.".

"Good-night!!!"

"good-night, I love you."

"sigh........I love you too, do not get out of this bed for anything got it?"

"yes".

Back to my bedroom and thankfully we were able to pick back up the thread. And then some.

Woo hoo!

Recession Proof Jobs

Being a doctor is not a recession proof job. That's what my husband does for a living and people always get sick right? True, but when they lose their jobs they lose their health insurance. And if people don't have health insurance they don't go see their family practice physician. They wait until they are really, really sick and then they go to the emergency room.

Usually at this time of year people are starting to suffer from seasonal allergies and our business is booming. Not this year. I took the boys to see daddy at his office this morning and it was empty. Just my husband and his 2 staff and the overhead meter is ticking away. This was 10:30 in the morning. Have you ever seen a doctor's office that was empty at 10:30 in the morning? There was a fucking tumbleweed blowing down the hallway.

Now when I use my credit card I get a hot, prickly feeling in my armpits. You know that feeling? It's the one you get right before you break into a cold sweat.

We are now upside down with our mortgage. A few months ago I would have been ashamed to admit that, but now it's downright trendy.

And today I heard of another friend losing a job! Dude! This isn't good.

Yesterday I was watching MSNBC while folding the never ending pile of laundry and the anchorwoman was interviewing a man from the Sacramento Tent City. I am sure you have heard of this, either from Oprah or some other news source. So they trotted this guy out for an interview, and he wasn't your random drug addicted homeless guy. This was a man laid-off from a construction job who is now living in a tent and using public transportation to look for work. A decent respectable guy who looks like one of my Uncles. And this is the part that killed me, the anchorwoman, after cutting him off in mid-sentence said, "Well the stock market is up today.". WTF?! This poor guy is living in a tent by the river and probably shitting in a bucket and you tell him about the stock market?! Un-fucking-believable. This gentleman just politely chuckled.

Ok here is the cherry on top..........my husband just got home from work at 3:15 in the afternoon and said he saw, drumroll please,....... 3 patients today. One patient in the office and 2 of his elderly patients in their nursing home. Last year he was seeing 25 or more patients a day.

My poor husband slumped in here and asked if he could go upstairs lay down. Of course!! If my kids weren't awake right now I would go up there and give him a beer and a blowjob.


Hmmmm blowjobs............sounds like a new career for me.

Father at 13

This story is down-right creepy! A boy in the U.K. was 12 when he knocked-up his then 14 year old girlfriend. He is now 13 and she is 15 years old and they are parents! There are so many disturbing components to this story:

1. I have to say in my personal opinion I would be less disturbed if the boy was the same age as the girl or 2 years older. Girls mature so much faster than boys and a 12 year old boy and a 14 year old girl just seem to be completely different animals. To make it worse he is only 4 ft. tall and looks like he is 10 years old. Ewww.

2. They were allowed to spend nights together.

3. The boy's father has 9 kids of his own.

4. When a reporter asked the young father how he was going to financially support his family he answered, "What's financially?". That is scary.

5. Two more boys have emerged claiming to be the father of this child.



Please feel free to comment.

Liberals Need to Have More Kids

Now anyone who knows me knows that I support a woman's right to choose. I strongly believe that family planning is hugely personal and none of my damn business. So you just need to hear me out while I try to sweet-talk you into having some kids.

This weekend I was at a party at a friend's house who has 3 kids, just like me, she has a set of twins though. I met this woman through my old mom's club that I unintentionally blew up. I have remained friends with her because she is way cool and because I don't feel like a freak of nature around her. This woman is also a member of a club for mother's of twins, triplets etc. A few months ago the 2 clubs collided at a kiddie museum, and I felt so much more at home with the mom's of multiple children. Recalling this experience with her, over a few glasses of wine last weekend, got me to thinking how come I can't find more like-minded people with more than 2 kids.

So I started searching on the internet, and basically it's divided into 2 camps: Conservatives with big familes and Liberals with zero, 1 or 2 kids. I could not find anything about Liberals embracing large families.

And yes I know the first argument I am going to hear; Carbon Footprint. I get it, more people on this planet depletes more resources. But what if Liberals have more kids than the Conservatives and the Liberals' kids grow up to be fiercely ecological and save the planet? It could happen.


Simply put the Xtian right wing are popping out babies all over the place, so some of us liberals have to do our part to stock the voting booths. Just because Obama got into office doesn't mean we can get all complacement, we need to think 4 years ahead. My genes gave me the hips and boobs, and society gave me the attitude needed to produce some compassionate, and informed, future voters. I have done my part what about you?

I truly understand your hesitation. Honestly for years I did not want kids at all, but then I met a man worthy of children. I dated many a guy I would marry, but not reproduce with. My standards for myself are much lower than the standards I set for a father of my children. My husband would have many more kids, but being pregnant is not my favorite state of being, so I am done.

Need a little more proof that Liberals need to have more kids. Check out the link below. It is an excellent article explaining in length, the diminishing population of progressives. Progressive is what you can call yourself if Liberal makes you feel funny. In summary, Conservatives have huge families mostly because they follow more evangelical religions. And it shows that statistically most kids do not rebel against Conservative parents, so therefore they also give birth to large Conservative families. Not good for the future of my America.

http://www.newamerica.net/publications/articles/2006/the_return_of_patriarchy


Even further proof that Liberals/Progressives need to outnumber the politically Conservative. Below is a disgusting racist article from a racist blog that I tripped upon while doing my half-assed research this evening. This moron cites the Duggar family (Mormons with 18 kids) as the perfect "White" family. Ewwww. The comments were just as revolting. The people who read this blog were going on about how wonderful it is that all of these children only have one father and that they are not minorities and hopefully the Liberal media won't villify them. Frightening.

http://www.amren.com/mtnews/archives/2008/05/happy_mothers_d.php



Leave it to S.F. Gate to put it into basic terms for the simple-minded like me. This chick cites Longman's essay, and breaks it down simply that Liberals need to have more kids, not pets. She closes the article by making a joke about putting birth control in the water system of Salt Lake City, Utah. That's one way to take care of a Red state.


http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/09/17/INGEJL45D11.DTL


So if you can afford them, have a few. Take one for the team, I sure did.