Reader's Choice; Regrets.

I have had writer's block lately. That thing called life keeps getting in the way. I asked my "fans" on my Facebook page to inspire me and give me some topics.  Both Clare and Jen asked if I had any regrets or if I could go back in a time machine what year would I change. 

The answer is no.  Every decision I have made, or experience that I have had, has made me the person I am today and I don't want to change that.  Even the bad stuff, because it's better the devil you know, than the devil you don't. 

I have been mulling about this topic all morning. When this happens my brain turns into a cable news channel. No matter what is happening on the main screen there is a line of words continuously scrolling across the bottom. I am engaged with my present life but there is that scroll of words, which are my thoughts, just moving and changing as I edit out or in what I am going to blog about later.

At first I thought I am going to list every decision or experience I have ever had and blog about why I don't regret it. But as I did a mental review of my life I got bored, sad, and embarrassed. I realized any readers were going to have those same feelings. I can handle you being sad or embarrassed but not bored! 

This blog is supposed to be about moms not easily offended by the realities of life so I decided to be real. No fluffy stuff. If you can't handle that right now then you are welcome to bail and go read Moms Who Drink and Swear (my favorite). 

I am going to write about experiences and decisions I have made, but only since becoming a mother. So as to keep it brief, and not bore the shit out of everyone. Below will be a list of the topics:

Having kids

Getting pregnant on my honeymoon

Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months

Getting a nanny even though I am a stay-at-home-mom

Abortion/Autism/The big V

Buying this house

Anti-depressants

Starting my blog

Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out of it

Mike's diagnosis

Re-joining the Mom's Club

Almost losing my colon

Right now

If you are starting to get bored already I will just tell that the question is do I regret any of these and the answer is no. But if you want to know why then read on.

Having kids: For those who have known me pre marriage I used to say that I didn't want to have kids at all.  And I meant it. But that's because I never met a man who I thought was capable of being a good father.  Then I found Erik. Problem solved, he is a kick ass dad, husband and my best friend. 

Getting pregnant on my honeymoon: I don't regret that though it was surprising and a tad inconvenient.  I was wearing maternity clothes and still sending out thank you cards for wedding gifts. 

Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months: I only lasted this long with Mike because he was a bad sucker and I mostly pumped and fed him breast milk from a bottle anyways. And I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Bekah if I had continued to breastfeed him.  I only lasted 6 months with Bekah because I needed to go on an antibiotic for  2 weeks so I just quit. I lasted 10 months with Jake because he was a good sucker and by then I could nurse and walk around and yell at the other two.

Getting a nanny: LOSER! You are a stay-at-home-mom and you have a nanny how fucking lazy are you?! This is what I used to think about women with nannies. Then when Bekah was 5 weeks old I was nursing her and Mike got mad because Sesame Street ended so he launched himself off the couch, did a flip, landed on his head, held his breath and passed out. I thought he was going to be a paraplegic.  I put Bekah on the floor and dialed 9-1-1.  Mike was of course fine and showed the super cute firemen his firetruck.  I was still in my jammies with milk leaking from my breasts and generally looked like shit. The next day I started the search for a nanny and I never looked back. When you find the right person to care for your kids you realize that there is nothing wrong with another person loving your children. 

Abortion/Autism/The big V: Life was perfect! I had a boy, I had a girl, my husband's practice was going great, our house had gone up in value and then blam I got pregnant again!  The birth control pill failed me for the first time in my life. I was NOT going to have 3 kids all under the age of 3 years old and all in diapers, oh hell no!!!!! But my husband talked me out of it, he said,"Families who can afford to feed their kids don't have abortions.". And I am glad I listened. He did schedule a vasectomy that day to be done in the future.


Some of you may be thinking that, "Wow she chose to have her son and then he ended up having Autism. I wonder if she regrets that.". No. He's the cutest one.  I don't regret, I don't resent. His dimples, big brown eyes and blonde curls are those of an angel. And that's what he is. A mystery, a challenge, an angel. Every day I am a better person because of him. That doesn't mean I don't yell at him like I do to my other two but sometimes when nobody is looking I give him extra candy. He's my baby. He's my heart walking outside of my body that I will never be able to fully protect.  

Please watch this video while I go dab my eyes. It never fails to make me laugh.

 Buying this house: I miss my old  house. It had a giant grassy yard with tons of trees. But it was too small for our growing family. So we put it up for sale, and selling that house and moving into this house, which tanked in value almost did me in.  I started to bite my fingernails for the first time in my life.  Keeping a house clean enough to sell with 3 kids under the age of 3 was brutal and then moving and unpacking......actually I never finished unpacking and we have been here for 4 years. But we have a bigger house and someday the value will be regained. And our old house was perfect for the family that moved into it. 

Anti-depressants: Shortly after we moved into this house I started to wean Jake. I had gotten pregnant so quickly after having Bekah and Mike that I never experienced any post-partum "feelings".  I really thought I had escaped it, and I was so happy because that sure didn't look fun. And then I weaned Jake and my body was not nursing and not pregnant for the first time in 3 years. I won't share the gory details, if you have been there yourself you don't want to hear it anyways. I used to think anti-depressants were for weak people. IDIOT!!!! I will never go off of them, ever. If momma ain't happy then ain't nobody happy.

Starting my blog:  I had another blog before this, "You Sure Do Have Your Hands Full." Erik suggested I write to help me get stuff off my chest.  Marrying him was the best choice I ever made even though he created a monster with the whole blog thing. It was a great idea but it got me in trouble and that blog is private now. Read below.

Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out: I promise not to rehash this embarrassing episode of my life.  You can read about it here. I don't regret that because I wouldn't have started this blog. 

Mike's Diagnosis: March 2 years ago my oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory Processing disorder and my youngest was diagnosed with Autism. Not a good month. I went through all the stages of denial etc. etc. and now I look at Mike's diagnosis as a gift and Jake's as a challenge. All my children are gifts I don't deserve.

Re-joining the Mom's Club: Yep after all that drama I asked to return. I still had a young one at home and he needed socialization.  I am totally glad I did even if I had to swallow my pride.

Almost losing my colon: The last year and a 1/2 were the worst for my health.  I have Ulcerative Colitis and almost lost my colon. Last ditch switch to a new medication and I am totally happy and healthy again. 

Right now: I am good! I am healthy, so are my kids.  All of them are excelling in school and we are taking Jake to a developmental pediatrician to get a more detailed treatment plan. My husband is moving into a brand new office and even though he is a grouchy ass nervous wreck right now, it's going to be wonderful.  I have an awesome support system of friends and family and I am so grateful for everything in my life. 

I don't regret anything. Here is a song to express my feelings. 

Wait for it.......right after the minute mark and it's worth it. 

No Excuse, Support Exists

A side effect of being a mom, and especially a stay-at-home mom, is isolation. When my oldest was born I was so lucky to have an awesome neighbor whose 2nd son was born the day after my firstborn.  We talked on the phone, we walked in the mornings, we traded dinners, we watched trashy reality t.v. together. I thought this whole mothering thing was a piece of cake.

Then my friend moved 2 states away. I had never felt so alone in my life. I found a mom's club and even though I eventually got kicked out because of my big mouth, I am still close friends with these women.  I have known them now for 5 years and they have been a huge support.

Now I have 3 kids.  Just a few months ago my oldest was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder and my youngest was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (which is basically Autism). I felt the same way that I did when my friend moved away, alone.

I cried and felt sorry for myself and drank too many beers and yelled at my kids and refused to have sex with my husband.   And then I sucked it up and started looking for help.

So we all know about 9-1-1 and 4-1-1 but have you heard of 2-1-1?  This number is somewhere in between 9-1-1 and 4-1-1, if you aren't having a full blown emergency but need more info than a phone number, than 2-1-1 is for you.  Crisis intervention, family counseling, parenting classes etc. Free of charge.

Through them I was able to find out about CARE Parent Network.  They hooked me up with another mom who has a son with ADHD and a son with Autism!!! That's better service than an online dating website, and it's free. This mom called me before mother's day when I just happened to be wine-tasting in Napa.  I told her I couldn't talk at the moment and she said she was extremely jealous.  But she called me back this evening, and Erik had taken the kids to the gym, so I was actually able to talk on the phone. We talked for an hour. We had a lot in common.

This hour long conversation was informative, but mostly therapeutic.  The kind of phone call where you are scrambling for a pen to write down what she has to say, but where you also can just take comfort that somebody has walked a mile in your shoes. And she is still standing.

I am not the only parent in this family, I am not a single mom and Lord above I never want to be!  So on my husband's day off I am dragging him to a Saturday full of parenting classes. Classes for parents of children with special needs; that's us.

After my firstborn got kicked out of his second preschool I found the ever so amazing School Of Imagination.  My friends always tell me that I should be their spokesperson because I praise them so often. I can't help my enthusiasm, I love this school.  Your kid could be as difficult as  you can imagine, and they will nurture and bring out the best. School of Imagination also offers parenting seminars and other community outreach projects.  One of these seminars are what we will be attending on Saturday.

A dear friend of mine, Danica, accused me of being so blue lately.  Meaning my blog posts haven't been light hearted and funny.  I agree. I have been dealing with some shit, I want perfection for my kids. And Danica isn't shallow by any means!  I know she just turns to my blog for humor to get her through the day.
:
Here is a joke just for Danica: What's the difference between a heterosexual woman and a bisexual woman?

4 drinks.

Almost 1 year Blog Birthday

So N.E.O. Moms is almost a year old!! I am re-posting a blog post from my first blog. The below post is basically a precursor of N.E.O. Moms. It explains some of the drama that led to me creating a forum for moms/women/parents who don't get offended easily by the realities of life. This is review for long-term followers and necessary information for new followers.


So I am in a moms club, that has nothing to do with that other one, and have been since Mike was 6 months old. The camaraderie and support have been a lifesaver. In the 3 and a 1/2 years that I have been a member we have been mostly free of any controversy, until now. As the population of our club increases, so does the variety of personalities. We communicate by an email group, so of course the amount of emails have increased as well. This is where the conflict lies. Some of the moms were annoyed by the amount of emails,and then offended by content. This prompted our dear leader to send out an email that was basically a copy and paste of the bylaws. She is a cool chick and she is just fulfilling one of the roles of her position.

Well this prompted me, and some of my more vociferous friends, to wonder if it was something in particular that we wrote that provoked this smack down. Was it the email thread about penis water bottles, sex in exotic places, discarded foreskins or alcohol consumption, we will never know. So then everyone was on eggshells, sending out emails with disclaimers stating, I hope this is ok, I hope nobody is offended, I hope this is within our bylaws. I of course was one of those people and I sent it out tongue and cheek thinking this silliness would blow over and we could get back to the camraderie I thought all of us were enjoying. Wrong. I received a personal email back setting my ass straight.

This email was long, and swaddled in phrases of support for fellow moms, like respecting other mother's time and being sensitive to other mom's thresholds of offensiveness. But none of this could hide the underlying tone of condescension and control. I don't do condescending or authority very well. After reading this email I tried to sleep on it but that didn't work. I sent it to some very close friends to get feedback and that didn't quell my anger either. Then I sent out a smartass remark about mom's being too tired to use the delete button and that started a shit storm.

An onslaught of emails were posted by women whining about having to wade through a barrage of emails they found to be frivolous and inappropriate. They complained about their precious morning and afternoons being wasted because they had to read all these offensive emails. What ever happened to the delete buttons on their computers? When I am confronted by a boring thread of emails, I just delete them, no big deal.

As for offensiveness, this really gets my goat. We are mothers, we are women, we are adults. To paraphrase my friend Barb, you have to have sex to be a mother, it's kind of a prerequisite of a mom's club. So even if you adopted your child or used IVF, it's most likely that you at one point had sex and figured out it wasn't working like you planned. Even if you are a lesbian mother and have never had sex with a man, you at some point probably had sex with your partner. Considering the level of alarm that some of the mothers have expressed about the content of emails and conversations at our mom's night outs, I am thinking that their children are a result of virgin births or sex through a hole in a sheet. This is just my opinion of course.

Yes you heard right somebody complained about the adult conversations at one of our recent mom's nights out, that has nothing to do with any other mom's night out. Once a month we have a mom's night out event, that has nothing to do with any other event, with no children allowed, unless you are nursing. At the last event no children were present and somebody actually complained that we were talking about sex. If there are no children present then adult conversation is not inappropriate. Adult conversation should not be censored from email as well because it is assumed that a child is not reading an adult's emails. It is a parent's responsibility to make sure their children are not subjected to anything beyond their comprehension.

I am not alone in my opinion. I have received personal emails from women not easily offended, who agree with me and are dismayed by the path our club is taking. What is appropriate for adults is not appropriate for children. A successful mother's club realizes that distinction. What the new moms have yet to learn is that you can love and serve your children without sacrificing yourself. It is totally ok for you to be your true self and positively channel that into your childrearing practices. Otherwise you are going to be left alone with your husband, and you are going to be nothing but a shell. I am not talking about a pretty abalone shell, I am talking about an empty snail shell, with cobwebs.

It is absolutely fine for you to still hold onto the interests you had before becoming a parent. You may have to get a sitter to participate in them or even delay those activities for a few years, but you should not give them up. I enjoy cooking, dining out and reading. I can cook for guests while they watch my kids and keep them out of the kitchen. I get a sitter to dine out and I read before bed when my kids are asleep. What I really miss is listening to classical music and doing jigsaw puzzles. I know, I know, I am a closet nerd. I can put on classical music but my kids would eat and/or destroy a jigsaw puzzle so I don't even try. We are working up to camping and hiking. My point is that you don't have to completely give up who you are to be a good mom.

So is this division in the mom's club, different from that other mom's club, from new, inexperienced moms or is it a deeper division of philosophy? I recently went to a new member's house and saw a giant cross hanging on her wall. If I was a vampire or a werewolf, I would not feel safe in this neighborhood. As a Jew, I felt a little squirmy. I had a paranoid premonition that things in the mom's club were gonna change. Turns out I wasn't so paranoid. I really hope that is not it. If this sudden upheaval and outrage over behavior, we have grown accustomed to, is because of an infiltration of conservative christians, then I hope they join a mom's club in their church or I will just hit the road myself.

Well I think I have stirred up enough shit with this particular blog posting, what do you think? I need to watch t.v. with my husband now and go to bed soon.

New Traditions & Thank You Cards

Before my 3 day hospitalization last week ,whenver anyone came to my door, friend or foe, it was like owning 3 Chihuahuas instead of 3 kids. Everyone came scrambling and chattering towards the front door. Total chaos. If you were a friend you were invited in, and if you were a foe I gave you major attitude, while I tried to keep my offspring from pissing on your leg.

Now a week after being released from the hospital, when somebody rings our bell, Mike and Bekah hide because they think mommy is going to leave again, and somebody else is going to take over. That is my theory. Jake doesn't hide, he has now realized there is food involved. this is how it goes:

Doorbell rings or there is a knock on door; Mike and Bekah dissappear and get silent.

Jake grunts and hustles to front door and looks up at me expectedly as I limp and sweat towards the front door.

Mom Friend: (These aren't exact quotes)
"Oh my G-d you look great" ( because we are all sick bitches who want to lost 10 pounds by I.V./liquid diet, don't lie!! )
"My kids are in the car and they are being horrible, so I have to run."
"This food is just awful and it's the best I can do".
or
"I really didn't cook this, because if I did cook for you then you would end up in the hospital again.".

So basically this is how we were raised right? As women we are to diminish our helpfulness? Like anything short of coming in and raising my kids and sucking off my husband is completely sub-par? Trust me it's not, I am grateful, for everything.

My response at the front door:
"Oh thank you hopefully I can keep up the weight loss momentum with a work-out in the gym when I have more energy.". (Pathetic, but true)

"Oh well I don't want your kids to overheat in the driveway and I am sorry my kids aren't saying Hi, I actually have no idea where they are."

"I totally appreciate any dinners that anyone brings because I know that everyone is super busy with their own lives. I am touched beyond belief by the overwhelming service to my family, and humanity as a whole ,and right now I would give my left tit for a cheeseburger." Ok that's definitely not an exact quote but my left tit is the best thing hanging on this body, so that's damn serious.

After we exchange those American born and raised female pleasantries I gather up the food and head for the kitchen. My plan is to keep food warm until dinner time and fix a plate for when Erik gets home. Jake climbs into his high-chair and looks at me with great expectation. Pupils wide, eyebrows raised, drool. Jake is now averaging 4 meals a day plus at least 3 snacks. This is the best thing that has ever happened to him, he loves food. His dinner was a bowl of turkey chili,with cheese, 3 corn muffins with butter, and a 1/2 can of pears in juice. He only weighs 36 pounds and that was just dinner!

Bekah and Mike crawled out of the woodwork looking for brownies and were thrilled to find corn muffins. A dozen corn muffins are now gone in less than 5 hours.

My diet sucks!! I am eating poached eggs in miso broth, pureed veggie soups, dairy free instant mashed potatoes and anything with a fiber content of less than 1 gram. I have actually ordered poached eggs in miso in a restaurant but it contained udon noodles and tempura shrimp, totally different entree. And the steroids make me nauseous and appetite free anyways. I need to find a physician who does medical marijuana.............because it's so hard to find weed in Northern California..........

Moving right along.

So here is another raised in the United States woman thing that you are supposed to do; thank you cards. It's right, it's polite, it's expected, it's just not going to fucking happen. And here is why; my attention span is ridiculous. If I were to actually send a thank you card on stationary, with a stamp, through the mail, it would take effort that would kill me. This is what happens when I go to send a thank you card for anything: I get a babysitter, I am excited to see another adult so I waste at least 15 minutes boring her to death with details of my life, I grab a huge coffee and go upstairs to my "home office", remove cat and other random shit, open blinds, stare at nothing for 15 minutes, pee, turn on computer, get completely sidetracked by email, Facebook, blog and twitter, gather up all addresses from hardcopy, email, and post-it notes,find $.32 stamps and realize that's not going to get me far, pee, get totally distracted by email, Facebook, blog and twitter, get hungry, eat lunch, find thank you card stationary, address 2 thank you cards, get so tired I can't keep eyes open, remove cat from bed, pass out. Get up, go to bank, pay sitter, feel like an asshole and yell at kids.


So I am going to thank you all here and now, because that's the best I can do at this point in my life.

Merrill= Bringing me mags in hospital and major kid wrangling.
Janice= Kid wrangling, food, visits, cute holiday decorations, laundry, phone calls, flowers, taking care of your son, etc.
My mom= kid wrangling, food, visits, spending the night, taking abuse.
Rebecca= Orchid which I have not killed, card, taking Mike for playdate, anything else you have ever done.
Julie B.= Much appreciated food and my mom was ready to go home with you. I swear you are the nicest person.
Barb= Even though you are completely sick with the first trimester love you came over and took care of my boys. You even did laundry and fed them. I will tell you right now that they so heavily medicated my ass that I barely remember you being here, so it was imperative that another adult was here and I am so glad it was you.
Julie C.= Ladybug card and banana bread showed up at the exact same time poison meds hit my blood stream. That was good because the extra emotiaonality made me re-set my priorities. I totally honor your breast cancer walk thing even though I am preoccupied with another body part right now.
Courtney M.= You seriously crack me up. Talking to you on my doorstep yesterday gave me a great chuckle. You are one of the few people that can understand that even though I am upset my 5 year old dropped the "F" bomb at school, I was grateful that he used it in a sentence. I love your sense of humor, and since your food is all gone it was obviously EDIBLE!!
Pam P. = So you brought turkey chili tonight and corn muffins that are already gone! This is the ridiculous part of me having ulcerative colitis, I like veggies, I like beans, I like legumes!! A healthy colon lives off low-fat/high fiber foods right? Basically my colon should have a fucking cape and fly around the world. Give me your Dal, your split pea, your cruciferous vegetables, your whole grains, a giant pot of 5 bean soup, and a pint of Guinness! No!!!!!!!!!!!! I can live like that until a flare-up and then it's all Wonder bread and whatever................
I took one whiff of your chili tonight and immediately split it in half and put it in the freezer. I can't wait until I am healthy because I will thaw that and put cheese, onions and fat free sour cream and eat it with a high fiber bread.

Love and gratitude

3 Days in the Hospital

Well if you are a regular reader you would know that last weekend I wrote about having a tough time with my illustrious colon. I was bemoaning the misfortune of having feeling like hell and having a disease that nobody wants to talk about, especially me!

The final chapter on last weekend was that I decided to continue on the steroids my gastroenterologist had prescribed me, and things will be looking up soon. That was last Sunday, by Tuesday I could barely get out of bed. I was in pain and had lost more blood than I was comfortable with. I personally called my gastroenterologist, and when I have time I will be shopping for a new one. All this time I had been in remission or had mild flare-ups but now that I was really sick, he was not helpful. He agreed that a trip to the E.R. might not be out of the question, but warned me I might lose my colon. I am not sure how he could tell that over the phone but it certainly didn't quell my anxiety.

I called my sitter Saint Sarah to come in early to get the kids dressed and to school and I insisted on showering. Erik drove me to the hospital and I won't lie I went straight to a bed instead of the waiting room and I was grateful for that perk. Erik gave the staff a quick update, kissed me and went to check on his patients. It's so embarassing talking about my symptoms that all 3 people were leaning towards me to hear what I had to say. I am not a quiet person, most people in my family don't own indoor voices. I just didn't want everyone to hear. And then I started to cry and then they took my blood pressure. 203/122! That spoke louder than words. I was in a lot of pain. The E.R. doctor was so nice and ordered some Ativan, "To step this crying down. ". He didn't say it in a rude way, it was helpful. I can't talk if I am crying and I couldn't stop crying because I was anxious, and the anxiety and pain was making my blood pressure go through the roof.

I was there less than an hour, and they decided who was taking over and that I was spending the night, and was scheduled a sigmoidoscopy for the next morning. Moms aren't supposed to go into the hospital.

San Ramon is a small town and Auntie M had seen Erik driving me to the hospital that morning so she called me on my cell and asked what's up. It was perfect because I could immediately begin to arrange child-care, and school transportation, and meals. When I got off the phone the nurse joked that I had been spotted by the paparazzi.

I was quickly whisked upstairs into a room and Auntie M came shortly after bearing trashy mags, a smile and a promise to keep the kids in line. After she left 2 nurses came back and started tossing stuff onto my bed and said we are moving you. "Why?", "Aren't you Dr. Gracer's wife?", "Yes". "Well we have a bigger room with a view for you.". "Oh that's really nice but that's not necessary I just need a toilet and a bed and a tv.". But they wheeled my groggy self to a bigger room, it was sweet but the view was wasted, because I immediately passed out.

They woke me for my clear liquid diet lunch and dinner and I ate it out of self-defense. Jello and popsicles should never be an entree. I was still in pain and the steroids make me weepy. It's embarrassing because my husband has to work there and they are going to think his wife is a crybaby. Thankfully my night shift nurse was a ray of sunshine. Super attentive without nagging or being clingy. I am partial to people who work the graveyard shift ,because I did that in an emergency psychiatric hospital, it takes a different kind of person.

The next morning was the sigmoidoscopy and they wheeled me down to that unit. I overheard my friend's voice so I called him over. One of our closest friends is a gastroenterologist and he is usually the one who would be doing this to a patient. I don't mind getting drunk and having a guy friend see me naked in a hot tub but a sigmoidoscopy is where I draw the line. He laughed and said he understood.

Now it was time for the procedure and they had me turn on my side. I warned them that I metabolize medications very quickly and have a habit of waking up during times I was supposed to be sedated. The nurse said, "OK ," Gave me the shot in my I.V. and then turned around to do paperwork. I bored holes in her back with my eyes. She turned around, and I smiled, she said, "Just give it a few more seconds.". I was feeling rainbows and unicorns but I was still awake, and there was no way in hell they were going to stick a garden hose up my ass while I was conscious. She turned around again to meet my buggy eyes and then turned to the physician, "Can I give her more?", "What!?". He was a little surprised to see my unblinking stare, but he must have said yes because that's the last I remember.

After the procedure there was a huge chunk of time that is not very coherent. I know that I was told some stuff, but then I had to ask over and over again because my short-term memory was a mess. After many people repeating to me many times I finally understood that I was grateful to not have an infection or polyps, and though they did take a biopsy they didn't think it was cancerous. But it did look like my colitis had spread significantly. I was weepy and tired and wanted my kids. My husband was tired too and very stressed out and everyone was just trying to hold it together.

My monkeys did come to visit and ate my popsicle, which was my entree, and some licorice the nurses gave them. They made a sticky mess and crawled all over me and asked lots of questions. And I was sad to see their smily faces go. The rest of that night I was still uncomfortable but I got another night shift nurse who was a rock star. All night long she kept trying to get me to lower my blood pressure. At one point I was on a pain med, benadryl and ativan and it was still 188/103. I was just laying there doing nothing! Finally she looked at me and said, "Is it me? Do I stress you out?". I cracked up and said, "You are the least of me worries!". She then said, "Well maybe I am just too hot.". I suggested she wipe off her sexy lip gloss and we can try again later. I believe bantering and a sense of humor is something that should be taught in nursing and medical school. This woman was so nice she stopped by in the afternoon to check on me on her OWN time.

When the doctor came by to visit me the next morning I told him the truth about how I was feeling and all it got me was another night in the hospital!!! What?! I was feeling better than on Tuesday so I thought for sure they would let me go. But he made a good point, "You are going to go home and start chasing your kids and end up back here on I.V. again. I need to get in as many steroids in I.V. form inside of you before you go back home.". He's right but this is just not practical. More crying. And Erik was supposed to be on-call that night at the hospital I am a patient at. I had to pull out the big guns and asked my mom to come please spend the night at my house.

By now my kids were showing by their behavior the stress of not having mommy at home. They weren't being very nice to their Nana and Grandma Wheeze and Mike was crying at school. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. The only upside was that my MIL brought me some cute little scarecrow figurines to decorate for the holidays and my mom brought me some decent toiletries and panties (instead of the thong panties Erik brought me). And I was switched to a full liquid diet instead of clear liquid. Pureed soup tasted like a gourmet meal at this point.

Erik came by later with my laptop so I could order groceries online to be delivered, that made me feel a little more in control of my life. I told him to come back after tucking his patients into bed so he could give me a kiss. I tried to wait getting my pain meds until after he left but I couldn't wait. I have a fuzzy memory of somebody kissing me goodnight, I hope it was Erik and not the janitor.

Another Florence Nightingale got me through the night and in the morning I had one foot out the door. I told the doctor I was fabulous and was told to take it easy this weekend and eat a low-residue diet. Saint Sarah had to pick up the kids from school first and then I told her to just wait out for me out front so she wouldn't have to drag all 3 through the hospital. Well you know how hospitals insist on wheeling you out in a wheel chair? So here I am sitting waiting for a wheel chair and I can hear my kids over my cell screaming for mommy. Finally I flag down a nurse and tell her my ride is here. She asks if I can walk and I say hell yeah I can walk. We pass my volunteer in the hallway on the way to the elevator. A little old lady volunteer who practically needs the wheelchair as a walker. We told her it was ok, I can walk to my car, and the nurse and I laughed that maybe her volunteer duties should be stapling or giving out kleenexes instead of wheeling large adults around.

My kids were out of their little minds when they saw me. Mike and Bekah both unbuckled their seatbelts and lunged at me and Jake strained against his carseat and whined. I gave them lots of hugs and kisses and tried to get my bag from the nurse. She just stood there and said, "They are so happy to see you, oh it's so sad, they missed you. ". I thought she was going to cry. Oh jeez. So I just got in the van and buckled them back in and gave them hugs and kisses and then got my bag from the nurse and told her it was ok.

Wow coming home was not peaceful. The kids were hungry, whining and spinning out of control. The grocery guy showed up at the same time, to deliver the groceries and so did Erik with our new bookkeeper. It was total fucking chaos. I did not want to meet our new bookkeeper while dressed in pajamas and bruises from I.V.s on my arms and my kids in tears. She must think her new boss has the most dysfunctional family ever. The timing couldn't be worse.

We got the very nice grocery guy out the door even though I did want to talk to him about his daughter's wedding, she's a marine. I helped Erik seperate some personal and business files for our new bookeeper which she means she had to go in our home office in our messy bedroom. Then Saint Sarah and I tackled feeding the kids, cleaning the kitchen and putting the groceries away. I put Jake down for a nap and then sent Sarah to Target to pick up my meds while I did some more de-cluttering. But the hospital called the meds into Walgreen's instead of Target, sigh. So Sarah came back with the kids and made brownies with them and I went back to Target to straighten it out.

By this time my knees and ankles were starting to swell and I was really tired and irritable. But when I got home my dear friend Barb was here with her awesome monkey and everything was calm and quiet. Auntie M had come to pick up Bekah for some special girly time and Jake was napping. I was so grateful I teared up. This is more crying I have done in years, people who know me know I am not a crier. Another dear friend Danica brought dinner and we put the kids down for an early bed without a squawk.

This morning Erik came to the room and said, "Honey can you get up?", at first I was annoyed, thinking he should cut me some slack, but then he said, "It's 10:30a.m.". I was shocked I thought it was like 7 in the morning. I was so tired. I sent Erik back to bed and I got up to hang with the monkeys. I was feeling so much better and it's nice to be in my home. But I can really see the affect me being gone had on my young kids. When their Nana showed up today, my mother-in-law, the kids clung to me and were rude to her. Bekah ran into another room, Mike's rudeness was too much to ignore and he ended up on a time-out. I reassured them that Nana was just there to go to a birthday party with their Daddy and that I will be home the whole time. I am not going anywhere. Poor babies.

I just want to give a shout-out to all my friends and family that picked up the slack this week. Thank you for the orchid and the card, the magazines, tons of food, taking care of my kids and my husband, my laundry and just being here to listen. I really,really appreciate it and could not have done it without you.
Love,
Charlotte

Breastfeeding a 3rd grader, Judgemental moms, Other random thoughts

The other night my husband and I happened upon a 20/20 episode on breastfeeding older children. I have read on other blogs that the entire show was on extreme mothering,but Erik and I only saw the breastfeeding segment.

Ok so one of my rules to be a N.E.O. mom is to let other women make the choice to do what they want to do with their bodies and children. Another rules is that rules are meant to be broken, and that is what I am going to do now. 20/20 showed a woman breastfeeding 2.5 year old twins, yawn, big deal. Then a woman was shown nursing a 5 year old, not my thing but he seemed rather babyish so maybe it was appropriate for their family. Then they showed a woman breastfeeding her 8 year old daughter. Ewwwww!

I was already wearing a bra by the time I was 8 years old! I realize I was an early bloomer, so I started thinking about my 8 year old niece,who is more average,and I could not see her being interested in breastfeeding either.

In a third world country where water is unsafe with an inadequate food supply, breastfeeding your children to the age of 8 makes sense. In a country such as the U.S. or U.K. I just don't see that it is necessary, or even beneficial, if we think about a child's emotional development. And I am not anti-breastfeeding at all, I nursed all 3 kids, I just had no desire to do it forever.

Ok I need to talk about something else now. I love evites. You can see who is attending the same party that you have been invited to and that's very important when you recently had to quit a mom's club that you accidentally blew up. So I was invited to a lovely child's birthday party this morning, and I was checking the evite to see who would be there. "Hmmm, oh good I like that chick, oh good I miss her too, phew thank G-d she won't be there, oh shit not her and her too!?". But I am a mature woman and would never do anything to ruin a child's birthday. And my sweet husband said, "I am your friend honey and I will talk to you.".

So I visited with the mom of birthday child who is a friend, and I hung out with some friends from my new and improved mom's club, and I got to visit with 2 women that I miss from the old mom's club. The other 2 women I ignored.

Unfortunately one of those women is not to easy to ignore. She falls into that extreme mothering episode from 20/20. Strongly opinionated and super judgemental. She doesn't vaccinate her child. Do I need to say more?

Well after free play the kids started munching on pizza and that always brings up the topic of picky eaters,of which my oldest is known for being the pickiest. Somebody said something about Dino nuggets (my oldest's favorite food) and annoying mom goes off, "Oh that is not the child,that is all the parents' fault. They just need to offer their kids other foods and they will eat them.". I had to leave the room. You are probably thinking that is no reason to be annoyed but she said this in a very loud voice, totally directed at me and I am not good at being quiet so I just walked out to check on my Dino nugget eating 4 year old.

Later , said 4 year old shows up to eat cupcakes. Don't worry I always feed him before parties because I know he doesn't eat pizza. I just feed him before the party so I don't have to fight with him about food, and then he can have cupcakes after everyone else is done eating their lunch. So Mike was being silly and said, "Look I have a moustache.". It was all frosting from his cupcake on his upper lip, cute. Annoying mom immediately starts asking him in the most patronizing voice possible, "What color is the frosting Mike? Can you tell me? Do you know what color that is?". My oldest looks at her blankly and makes an unintelligible noise like he just got off the short bus. Jeez Mike throw your mother a bone! It would have been the perfect time for him to say, "Why yes this frosting is a lovely shade of indigo.".

Once again I chose to leave the room instead of kicking her in the face. I am no Miss Manners but I am pretty sure that kicking another mother in the face is not appropriate behavior at a child's birthday party.

In her defense, annoying, judgemental mom was so busy pointing out other parents' faults she didn't say anything about the old mom's club being blown up. Another guest that I like very much did say that the club I quit is dead now! She said it's boring and nobody shows up to anything. So I asked her if she would like to join our new informal group and she was very enthusiastic. It makes sense the old club is dead, we stole all the women that don't have sticks up their asses.


So just when I think that old mom's club drama is dead it gets brought up again. Sometimes quite innocently like mentioned above when I am told it's boring now that I am gone. Which I find flattering. Other times that fiasco is brought up at the most bizarre moments.

Recently I recognized a woman from my oldest's previous preschool in the line at the grocery store. We said Hi and she mentioned that she heard of me recently because some neighbors were talking about what had happened with the mom's club. What?!! How small is this damn suburb?!!

This makes me nervous because I don't know who her neighbors are, but she puts me at ease and says that she agrees it was really stupid for me to have to quit. Phew. She then goes on to say that they miss me, "Especially Sharon.". That's great except I don't know anyone named Sharon! So Sharon misses me and she has never met me? These women need a new hobby.

Then at the gym wrapped in a towel,making small talk with another woman, this woman blurts out, "So what happened with your mom's club?". Unbelievable. So I try to briefly explain it, but I start to get fired up talking about it and I use my hands a lot when I am talking and my towel falls to my ankles. Awkward.

My advice is always be careful what you say and what you email, especially if you live in suburb, small town or associate with a lot of women that have sticks up their asses.

A Weekly Weight Watcher's Menu

Ok so I am trying to get back on the Weight Watchers wagon this week due to some chick thinking I was pregnant last weekend.

I am proud of myself because I have been sticking to it, and I have been to the gym 3 days in a row. I will go ahead and post my menu for the whole week below. I will fill in the recipes later and tell you if they tasted good or not. According to Weight Watchers I am supposed to eat 23 points a day but I have 35 extra points a week to use and exercise gives you some extra points too.

Monday
Dinner (I already posted breakfast and lunch earlier in this week)
An indescribable chicken and veggie soup. It was like a Mexican Minestrone. It was based on Weight Watcher's 0 points veggie soup but I had to add chicken for my husband the carnivore and beans and rice for me. I cant' do their 0 points soup because I am hungry 5 minutes after eating it and then I get a headache. But with the chicken, beans and rice it only bumped up the soup to 2 points for a giant bowl.

Tuesday
Breakfast= 1 pancake with butter only and a banana= 4 points
Lunch= Leftover soup from Monday
Snack= whole wheat mini bagel with 2 Tbs. of Lite Veggie Cream cheese= 4 points (eaten before going to the gym)
Dinner= Grilled Teriyaki chicken, grilled asparagus, grilled pineapple and brown rice (I didn't grill the rice). I just dumped some Teriyaki sauce over some chicken breasts early in the morning and let it thaw throughout the day. (Ken's Teriyaki marinade is pretty tasty). I grilled the chicken for roughly 4-5 minutes per side, by then the coals had cooled down a little so the pound of very thin and trimmed asparagus took about 4 minutes a side. The pineapple rings (straight from a can with juice not heavy syrup) I grilled on the very outside of the grill and they take about 2 minutes per side. I put salt and pepper on the pineapple (don't knock it until you have tried it). The asparagus I just poured some more Teriyaki sauce over it and those spears were sooooo good! The brown rice was Success boil in the bag for 10 minutes brown rice.

I dumped a palm size piece of grilled chicken, a handful of asparagus, and 2 pineapple rings over a 1/2 cup of rice and it was only 6.5 points and it was filling. I may have had a couple of beers while watching American Idol too. *

Wednesday
Breakfast= scrambled egg white, fat-free cheese slice (on a sandwich ok but I wouldn't eat this straight), and a whole wheat english muffin= 3 points
Lunch= More of the same soup and 1/2 english muffin with f.f. cheese melted on it=3-4 points, leftover asparagus from last night=0 points and a skinny cow popsicle= 1 point (yum!!)
Dinner= Going out to P.F. Changs with a couple of my buddies tonight so I will be eating Chinese food and drinking beer. These 2 friends are skinny though so I most likely won't be pigging out.

Thursday
Breakfast= same sandwich from yesterday
Lunch= Black Bean soup, 2 cups= 2 points (3 cans of black beans 2 of them drained and 1 undrained, dumped into pot with a can of fire-roasted diced tomatoes with juice, 1/2 cup chicken broth, a pinch of anise seeds, a pinch of dried sage and salt and pepper to taste, and Tabasco to taste. Simmer and eat with 2 Tbs of Fat Free Sour Cream, good stuff!
Dinner= Skim milk mozzarella sandwich on whole wheat bread with roasted red pepper strips and 1 tsp. of Pesto. Salad with Italian dressing and steamed broccolli and zucchini. I will give you recipe and points tommorrow or Friday.

Friday
Breakfast= Mini whole wheat bagel with 2 Tbs. lite veggie cream cheese and a cup of cantaloupe= 5 points
Lunch= More black bean soup
Dinner= Turkey burgers with minted yogurt cucumber dressing in whole wheat pitas. I will give points and recipes later when I figure it out.

Saturday
Breakfast= Sandwich, bagels or cereal= all of those are 3-4 points
Lunch= Soup if any is left or leftover turkey burgers or some kind of meat on a stick if we go to the Wind and Art Festival.
Dinner= I am trying to score a date with my husband if I can scrounge a babysitter. If I can't then I will might cook or not. If I cook I will make Tandoori chicken on the grill, with steamed broccoli, brown rice and pita bread. I will let you know.

Sunday
Breakfast= Same as Sat.
Lunch= Same as Sat. we don't know which day we are going to the Passing Wind and Fart Festival (I crack myself up)
Dinner= Same as Sat.

Monday
Breakfast=Same as Sunday
Lunch= Leftovers
Dinner= It's Memorial Day and points be damned! I am going to hit the gym all weekend so I can enjoy a good bbq!

Grilled beef burgers with all the fixings (mayo, catsup, mustard, horseradish, cheese, lettuce and grilled sweet red onions) on huge sourdough buns
French Fries
Hot dogs
Baked Beans
Strawberries with whipped cream
Lots of ice cold beer




* Look I don't mind telling you how many beers I drink, but there are some chicks who read this blog even though they don't like me. They come from an old mom's club I was a member of and I try not to give them too many things to talk about when it comes to my lifestyle choices. Of course it doesn't seem to occur to them that the wine and martinis they swill have more alcohol than my beers..........

Something New

I am falling behind on my Weight Watcher recipes, sorry about that. It just got super busy around here. Well I am back on the wagon. Some chick thought I was pregnant this weekend, bitch.

I was at a bridal shower and I was making small talk with some very skinny moms and one of them said, "You look like you are pregnant.". WTF? No, seriously, What The Fuck?! I was stunned. I thought I looked pretty good too, a little bloated, but not enough to look pregnant.

So I need to get serious. I have a bacherlorette party to go to in a month. Thankfully that anorexic chick won't be there, but just in case she sees pictures of me from that weekend, I want her to say, "Oh shit I can't believe I thought she was pregnant! I am a truly horrible person and now I need to go eat a Double Whopper with cheese and maybe some onion rings too.".

So what I am going to do is post my meals for the entire week, with the points. And I will try to eat them too.

Monday, May 18th

1 cup Cheerios
1/2 cup 1% milk
sliced 1/2 a banana
At least 4 cups of coffee with 2 Tbs. of nonfat non-dairy Vanilla creamer
Points= 4

Ok so that's breakfast. I will post the rest of the meals as the day goes along. It's 10:14 pm here and I need to brush my teeth and go to bed. Wish me luck.

I don't need luck brushing my teeth, I mean good luck with sticking to a diet void of cheese and beer.

New Poll

Check out the poll to your right---------------->

Vote and tell me what you think of this new background. I like the colors. I am not too crazy about the theme. I think a theme that would match the vibe of this blog would be poopy diapers and crazy, screaming women but I can't find that anywhere.

Things on my Mind

1. Nadya Suleman bugs the shit out of me. I can't get her out of my head. I was the same way with Brittany Spears when she was going through her nut job phase, but I had a ton of compassion for Brittany. I have no compassion for Nadya. For her 14 kids I have a ton of compassion, and concern.



The link above brings you to an article about the release of a 9-1-1 tape of Nadya frantically callling the police to look for her missing 5 year old son. Ok losing a kid sucks I will give her that. But on the tape she goes on and on about how she is going to kill herself, until the dispatcher rightly so, tells her to stop saying that in front of her other children. And Nadya is now quoted as saying she doesn't remember saying that about killing herself, and that she was just hormonal from the pregnancy with the octuplets.



I am telling you she can't do this by herself. And I know this for a fact because it's taken me 45 minutes just to write these 2 and a half paragraphs. I actually type pretty fast and Jake is napping, but both Bekah and Mike had to poo at the same time. Mike sprinted to the downstairs bathroom first so I had to escort Bekah upstairs to my bathroom and once I got her seated I hustled back downstairs to wipe Mike's butt. Then back upstairs to do the same for Bekah's tushy. As well as all the handwashing etc. etc. So does Nadya have 14 toilets in her house?

Two kids needing to use the toilet at the same time is really not a stressful issue. When I say Nadya can't do this by herself I mean all the other stuff and I mean all day long. And I know this for a fact.

2. So this is where I have to talk about feelings and hypocrisy. Unfortunately, my feelings and my hypocrisy. Last month I wrote about hearing of a local mom who committed suicide. I wrote about how it's important to reach out to others when we need help. But I am a big fat hypocrite because I didn't do that.

When I went to wean my youngest, Jake, from breast-feeding I suffered from post-partum depression. I was so lucky to not have gone through it before and really didn't know what was wrong with me. We had also just moved into a new house and I didn't have any help during the day with caring for the kids and unpacking, and I was beyond stressed out. Now I did share with others that I was stressed out but I usually talk about my feelings in a humorous way and downplay everything. So nobody knew that when Erik would go to round on his patients on the weekend, he would come home to find me in uncontrollable tears.

My children were never in any harm because I turned my anger and depression on myself and eventually, after a couple of months it all went away. But now 18 months down the road I realize that A) I was a complete coward for not seeking help. and B) It's only by luck that this period didn't last longer and ended up being detrimental for my kids. For which I would never forgive myself if that had happened.

Ok I don't necessarily feel better for admitting that I am not a super-mom but I do feel better being honest.

3. Excuse my need for numbering my thoughts but it's keeping me focused. The other issue that has been poking my frontal lobes this week is that story about the Army mom who brought her kids with her when she showed up to report for duty to go to Iraq. Her claim being that her husband travels for work and she does not have adequate care for her kids. Ok so I am not a mean person, don't get me wrong. I am all about choices though and so far in America we still have an all volunteer military. So she chose to be in the military. This woman also chose to have kids. After perusing the article it states that she had not been in active duty for quite awhile but she had to have known that we are at war and she could be called up for duty at any time. Which means she should have scrambled to have back up care for her precious kids ready to go.

Her actions/inaction pisses me off. I believe that this North Carolina Army mom did all working women and all military women a huge disservice. I have a friend in the military and I have seen her scramble for care for her kids, I also have family members active in the military, Army Ranger (cousin), a Marine (female cousin), Navy Seal (my brother Bill). These 3 do not have kids yet but I can't imagine my cousin Leah not having all her bases covered if she did have children. And I believe that if this woman had been a father he would not have been let go. I really believe this was sexist.


4. I didn't realize that people still listen to Rush Limbaugh! And not only do people still listen to him but whenever a Republican talks smack about Rush, a couple of days later that same Republican will go on his show and apologize. WTF!? He is just a radio guy. And the Democrats are playing into his bloated ego as well. I want people to ignore Rush Limbaugh because that is the worst we can do to him. So I will stop giving him attention as well.



5. American Idol is so damn boring this year!! And the new judge is pointless and the wildcard stuff is just hurting my small brain. It better pick up soon. They should have made the blind guy dance, give him a chance at least.



6. The California Supreme Court is weighing the constitutionality of Proposition 8. Hopefully they will come to their senses and realize that denying civil rights to humans is unconstitutional. So far I haven't seen any pics of guys wearing assless chaps. They are probably at work and I will have to wait for the evening news.


7. Here is the last thing I am going to talk about today; our economy now compared to The Great Depression. The article I have linked points out the similarities with our current situation to the events that lead to The Great Depression. They are very similar. That article talks about the financial factors. I want to talk about social factors.

My grandmother was born in 1923 and came to California during the depression. We are talking Grapes Of Wrath stuff here. They ended up in The Central Valley, living under a bridge in Modesto. The 7th St. bridge, also called Lion's Gate Bridge. There were 10 kids all together. Eventually they were able to get a dairy farm.

My Grandmother ended up being a mother of 6 and solidly middle class. Her house is spotless, and she prefers Cadillacs and poodles. But she saves everything. Even the very last swallow of root beer she will put in a jar and you can finish it the next day. Yuck. But I understand what drives those habits.

One time I was visiting my Grandmother while her sister Julia was in town. I was raiding her fridge and my Grandma Hazel and Great-Aunt Julia were being all cute, knitting and watch the Home and Garden channel on t.v. I was half listening to their chatter when Grandma says, "Remember when Dad tried to sell me?". I froze with my fork halfway to my mouth. "Grandma, what?!". "Oh yes my father tried to sell me to a Modesto doctor and his wife who couldn't have kids.". I was immediately concerned thinking, if this had happened I wouldn't exist. "What stopped your Dad from selling you?", I asked. "Well he felt bad because my mother and I couldn't stop crying while we packed my suitcase.". So my Great-Grandfather changed his mind and didn't sell his precious daugther. Yikes, that story gives me the willies.

I would hope it is not that easy to sell a kid in America at this present day and age but with the rise in unemployment and homelessness what are the permanent social changes we are going to see? What are my kids' generation going to be like when they are adults? I realize my kids are not being affected by any homelessness or unemployment and I am very grateful for that. But I am curious about their generation in totality.

Ok I am done, thanks for listening.

More Blogging Nerdiness

I was reading my horoscope in the S.F. Chronicle pink pages from Sunday and it actually mentioned blogging!

"Sagittarius (Nov.21-Dec. 20) Who knows you may become the world's best loved - no. Best hated? No, again. Let's settle for best-read blogger. As 2009 progresses, Jupiter acts as an executive secretary, adding zip and zest to your communications. You're already a top contender. Now take a shot at the title. In other news: Mars adds muscle to your bustle. No, it's not too late for resolutions."


All Sagittarians who don't blog were probably annoyed with that horoscope, but I am stoked. I realize that blogging is just a hobby, and I am not going to get rich off doing it. Even though that's my husband's fantasy, I am more realistic about it. So hobbyists still set goals even though it's just a hobby right? Scrapbookers make a goal to finish the Christmas album from 1998, a cook will set a goal to learn how to make Sushi, some moms make it a goal to talk as much shit as they possibly can about other moms to make themselves look better, etc. etc.

I have goals for my blog stored in my polluted brain but now I want to put them out to the universe:

Goal #1 Six months from now I want 10 followers for each one of my blogs.

Goal #2 By Jan. 2010 I want an average of 100 hits/readers to NEO Moms everyday. I now average 15 for NEO Moms and about 25 for You Sure Do Have Your Hands Full. I know this can be done because when I blew up my old moms club I was averaging 60 hits a day. I do not want to go through an experience like that again, I want people coming here for positive reasons. Most of those hits were from scabpickers who would read my blog and then call each other on the phone and be like, "Oh my G-d , you won't believe what that bitch is saying now! She is a horrible mother and her kids are going to grow up to be crack-heads.".

Goal #3 Be more tech savvy. I want to learn how to do that thing where you put a link in the middle of a sentence. I don't even know what is called. For example in the sentence above it would be fantastic if crack-head was a link and if you clicked it a picture of Whitney Houston would pop up. How cool would that be?

Help me achieve my dreams.

Inaugural Hangover, In-laws and the Super Bowl

I obsessively watched the inauguration almost 2 weeks ago. And I have been crazy busy since then so this is going to be a long read for you. I had a friend and her 2 kids over that morning of 1/20/09 and we feasted on bagels and donuts. As soon as Aretha, in her fabulous hat, started singing I was teary and sniffling and it lasted all day long. That evening Auntie M and I tried to come up with our own version of the inaugural feast for our dinner.


http://www.chow.com/food_and_cooking/7032


We ate shrimp cocktail, rotisserie chicken, mashed potatoes, green salad and apple pie and vanilla ice cream. And lots and lots of champagne.


The next day I had a teensy bit of a hangover and I am so jaded from the last administration that I just assumed Obama would take a few days off to play golf. He actually went to work after staying out all night dancing. And every time I see him sit down and sign a new pledge to the American people with his left-handed scrawl, I want to make-out with him.


Soon after the inauguration my inlaws came to town from Arizona. Must people would shudder at a week long visit by their inlaws but mine are really cool. We visited and ate and took pictures and celebrated my FIL's 60th birthday. That is the picture below. My children don't sit well for pictures, they are the squirmy ones. Don't worry that's just water on Jake's pants, he has a hole in his lip.







Right after that party was SUPER BOWL. I could really care less about the game but having 55 people over to party on a Sunday was very exciting! I made 2 huge vats of nacho cheese sauce and we had a make your own nacho bar. It was a potluck too so we had a variety of toppings, plus hotwings, taquitos, several desserts and tons of beer. Good times!!! I think Bekah basically ate a dozen cupcakes by herself as much as I tried to stop her. Well at least she didn't go to bed hungry. That's her picture below with the evidence on her face and trying to put her 3D glasses on for the halftime show.

Our other halftime show was my dear husband and his buddy playing guitar. They sounded way better than Springsteen but the video I took turned out really shitty so I didn't post it here. They also played a post-game show that included Uncle Chrissy singing made-up blues songs that were, uhm, very interesting.

We did some betting with squares and I am not even going to pretend how that works but some squares were empty and since the game went long everbody decided that Erik and I would get the cash from the 3rd and 4th quarters and the rest would go to the N.E.O. Mamas party fund.

Speaking of my new and improved mom's club. When the universe slams a door shut she opens a window. I feel bad for blowing up the last club but everyone seems happier and far more entertained and we get almost one new member a week. There is obvioulsy a need for a group of women that aren't easily offended, and their husbands like it too. I know because a couple of husbands have told me to my face that this club is better.

I also heard that a couple of scab pickers are still reading my blog/blogs. What I mean by this is that there are some women who read my blog only to get mad or to confirm their suspicions that I suck. Hey if that floats your boat be my guest. I personally avoid stuff that pisses me off or makes me feel bad. Life is way too short.

Even though I just said I avoid stuff that makes me feel bad, I do have to take a minute to get personal and talk about feelings. So skip this part if you want, I am fine with that. So all last week and yesterday, people kept commenting on how brave I am (and maybe a little crazy) to host a super bowl party with 55 guests. Most of these guests were under the age of 5 years old.

Let me tell you why I don't mind doing this. I grew up in a house with an asshole, alcoholic, drug addict. That would be my mother's current husband (sorry mom you might want to skip this part). Even though my friends were welcome to come to my house, they often did not want to because they were scared of my step-father. They told me this then, and they tell me this now as adults, how they felt as children. So don't think I am just projecting my feelings on others, this is a fact.

This is why I don't mind hosting parties, playgroups, potlucks, etc. I won't lie it's a killer on my carpets and I spent a huge part of my morning cleaning, and I am not done yet, but it's so worth it. To have a home where not only my kids feel safe, but where other parents' kids feel safe and have fun, is something that is very, very important to me.

Uh-oh now I am having some deep feelings so I better go eat the leftover pork ribs in my fridge until these feelings go away.

Happy New Year!!!!

Happy New Year!!! I am sooo looking forward to 2009. Much love and peace to everyone. Here are the highlights of 2008:

Janurary 2008

-Charlotte called the director of Mike's preschool a dominatrix in her blog and then had to go back and delete it because some nosy mom read it.

-Charlotte had her first mentstrual cycle in 3 years because she was finally not pregnant or nursing for the first time in 3 years. This happened the morning Erik and Charlotte were to fly to Vegas. This was supposed to be the first time Charlotte had been to Vegas in 3 years when she wasn't pregnant or nursing.

-Our beloved nanny Katie informed Charlotte she was moving back home to Washington. Noooooooo!

Februrary 2008

-All 3 kids got pink-eye so Charlotte took them to the beach.

-New nanny quit after one day, breaking the old record of a day and a half. At least she didn't just walk out like that other one did after Mike hit her in the head with a dump truck.

-Charlotte found another nanny, a keeper, Sarah.

March 2008

-Charlotte beat her Dad at Scrabble by 400 points.

-Charlotte pulled Mike out of his preschool before they kicked him out. Mike assaulted teachers, students, used bad language and ran with 3 pairs of scissors in his hand.

-Jake turned 1 year old! Giving Erik and Charlotte a 1 year old, a 2 year old and a 3 year old!

April 2008

-Charlotte had a root canal.

-Michael outgrew his kidney reflux that had been diagnosed when he was 20 weeks in utero. Erik and Charlotte were greatly relieved!

-Erik and Charlotte spent a weekend all by themselves in San Francisco. They did nothing but eat and sleep.

-Michael started his third preschool and finally found a place that could handle him!

-Erik had pneumonia.

May 2008

-Charlotte ripped almost her whole pinkie nail off while trying to wrestle Bekah into her carseat.

-Erik and Charlotte took all 3 kids to an open house in a 2.5 million dollar home that had just been remodeled. Erik and Charlotte strongly advise other parents to never do this.

-The whole family went to Auntie Kristin's 40th birthday party and had a great time.

June 2008

-George Carlin died

-Erik and Charlotte had a date day in Livermore for father's day. They had lunch and went wine-tasting.

-Charlotte dressed up all 3 monkeys in Giants baseball outfits and took them to Grandpa Rankin's baseball game for Father's day. Grandpa Rankin's team is named The Giants. Mike, Bekah and Jake are the unofficial mascots.

July 2008

-Jake gets a double ear infection and Roseola.

-Mike is the star of the end of year preschool show.

-A friend of a neighbor gets into a physical fight on 4th of July night and Charlotte has to call 911.

-Estelle visits.

-Merrill and Chris sell their house.

-Mike and Bekah go to Jewish Day Camp together.

-The whole family goes camping with Grandpa Rankin and Grandma Cherie.

August 2008

-Charlotte spends the whole month obsessively watching politics on t.v.

-Mike starts Pre-K

-Bekah starts preschool and doesnt' shed a single tear.

September 2008

-Sarah Palin

-Charlotte's brother Bill came to visit.

-Charlotte's brother Bill gets deployed to Iraq.

-Charlotte loses 26 lbs. in 9 months.

-Bekah feels her first earthquake and the boys don't even notice.

October 2008

-Rutting season starts in San Ramon and there are a ton of wild deer running behind Erik and Charlotte's house. Chris Grimmer wants to hunt them with a cross-bow.

-Charlotte takes all 3 kids to temple by herself for the High Holy Day services and survives.

-Charlotte's best friends of 30 years visit with their children.

-A semi-truck hauling 2 trailers of dirt, loses one of it's trailers and dumps dirt all over a sidewalk on Erik and Charlotte's street.

-The whole family visits numerous pumpkin patches and Mike pees on one of the pumpkins.

-Erik's sister Merrill and her husband Chris move into their new home in San Ramon, yipee!

-Charlotte quits mom's club before she gets kicked out.

November 2008

-Obama

-Erik and Charlotte go to Erik's 20th high school year reunion.

-Charlotte's friends start a new mom's club and let her join.

-Thanksgiving.

-Charlotte's dad beats her at Scrabble.

December 2008

-Bekah turns 3 years old.

-Bekah gets her first haircut in a salon and tries to scratch the hairstylist.

-Bekah gets potty-trained.

-Erik and Charlotte go to a Raiders game in the rain.

-Hanukkah/Xmas

-Happy New Year.

Peace.

Charlotte

For more details please visit the below blog:


http://yousuredohaveyourhandsfull.blogspot.com/

A Growing Population of NEO Moms

http://moms.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/san_clemente/


So it seems that there is a real need for mom's groups that restrict the membership of easily offended moms. In the above link I found 2 groups that state what they dont' want. Check out Hot Mommys and No Mama Drama. I love it!!

The Last Word on History-Disclaimers Are Good In The Land Of Lawsuits

I am an over-explainer, like most women, so that's why I am going on and on about why I started this blog for not easily offended moms. Otherwise known as N.E.O.Moms.


For somebody just tuning in; I am a nice person with a big mouth that got me into trouble and I was kicked off the Yahoo! groups of a mom's club and then I eventually quit the whole club because some women could seriously not get over it! They were calling each other and crying and reading my other blog and calling their friends and telling them to read it and then crying some more and sending me bitchy emails. Wow! It was like being a hermaphrodite in 8th grade gym class, or something similar.


So I quit the club thinking that if you take the fuel out of the fire it would die, right? Wrong. So below is a disclaimer I had to put on my other blog telling women to stop reading my blog and thinking it's about them. And actually it's a pretty good disclaimer for any blog, including N.E.O. Moms, so keep that in mind when you read it. Of course if you have gotten this far you are probably not one of those stick up your ass kind of chicks who needs disclaimers.


November 1st 2008

Last night I had a dream that I was in bookstore and found one of my old journals on a bookshelf. It doesn't take Freud to figure what that meant. My blog is my online journal that I let people look at. And even though this is my intellectual property if I put the names of real people in here I have to take responsibility for that.


A few times this week I have been asked to change some stuff on my blog. The first person to do so is a beloved friend. A rational, loving, kind and well-balanced person that I would take a bullet for with no hesitation. So I dropped everything I was doing and complied with her request.


Another person, quite unlike the person described above, also asked me to do so. No.

I have also received a thinly veiled threat of a lawsuit.


I know, I know. You are thinking "What?! Really?! Are you shitting me?!" No I am not. Even though this blog was originally started as a creative outlet for me some people actually enjoy reading it. I am very flattered by that. But there are also some people who enjoy reading it so they can cause drama and strife.


Some moms have started to read it because it's becoming a little bit like Jerry Springer and they think it's funny, I am ok with that too. I slow down on the freeway to look at car wrecks too. But some people are reading it because they are the type of people who like to pick scabs and then get upset when they bleed.


So today instead of sweating off Halloween candy on the treadmill I am going through my entire blog and removing names. I am using my gym's free WiFi and day care because I am paranoid enough to believe this thinly veiled threat.


I am very angry about this. After today if you read a description of a person and you think it's about you, it's not. I know the old saying is if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck then it must be a duck. When it comes to my blog that saying does not apply. If I don't name it duck, then it's not a duck, it's a unicorn.


Even if you swear up and down the person I am describing is you, it's not. Even if you really want it to be you, it's not. Even if anywhere I go or groups I belong to sound familiar, they are not. It's a coincidence or a complete fabrication. This blog now exists in a identical twin parallel universe. And my universe is better than your's and crazy, psycho, drama queens are not welcome.

Lawyers aren't welcome either. Unless I was already friends with them before today.


But if you are angry and just really, really have to say something to me about it. Don't email me, please feel free to leave a comment on my blog. That way everyone can share my joy. Save the drama for your mama and vote for Obama. That came from a friend but I can't put her name here anymore.


Remember it's all about me, not you!!!!!!