On December 1st 2011 the bay area lost a landmark. Every body's favorite news talk radio station completely disemboweled themselves and fired the majority of their popular talk-show hosts. With no warning at all. No warning to their staff and no warning to their loyal listeners. This blog post by a media insider explains it best.
I realize I just lost some readers who cannot understand why I would write about something so silly as a radio station changing their format, but this station was over 30 years old. I am 41 years old, as of today, and I have been listening to this station since I was a child. It has been a constant, just like watching Saturday Night Live or The Simpsons. You tune in and they are there, always. KGO was a landmark of the bay area.
KGO fired all of their talent and now just do news 24/7, with the exception of their 9a-Noon program, which I will discuss later. (grumble, grumble). The bay area is a diverse, even eclectic micro-climate of micro-climates. You can visit the beach and then some snow, in one day, if there is a light dusting on our bay area mountain peaks. You can witness the Tea Party of Contra Costa County and visit a Nuclear Free Zone in Berkeley, all in one day. The former KGO was a perfect example of this diversity. You may not like every host, agree with every host, but they were real people with real opinions and they were all the best of the industry. And now they are gone. The station is now generic news. Generic does not represent anything about the bay area.
But wait, not all of their talk show hosts are gone! We still have Ronn Owens from 9am-Noon. Who is currently on vacation for two weeks so don't bother tuning in to him yet. On the first day of this format he pleaded with his listeners to give the new format a chance and he said he would set aside some time for people to call in and discuss this drastic change. Uhm, 20 minutes of call in time. Over 30 years of content and we get 20 minutes of grieving time. I have always been a huge fan of Ronn Owen's until Friday December 2nd. His "concern" was so insincere, so contrived. When a caller started to bemoan the loss of all those talented hosts Ronn Owens actually said, "You still have me.". He just doesn't get it. KGO is not just Ronn Owens, it was a total package.
Now the package has been ripped to shreds and will soon completely disintegrate. I am not being overly dramatic, in the wake of this horrible business move made by Cumulus quite a few Facebook and twitter accounts have sprung anew lamenting the loss of our local talent. We are peons next to this corporate giant but our pleas are not futile. Some sponsors have already suspended their accounts; Thank you so much for writing and I guess taking a look at the Gene Burns/KGO page on our website. We are just as shocked as you and just as upset. I am the advertising agency for both Just Remnants and Burgermeister. All advertising on KGO for both clients was suspended at 9:00 am this
morning.
I was one of the first advertisers to recognize the genius of Gene Burns
some 16 years ago.
I am heartbroken after a 37 year relationship with KGO and a 50 + year
relationship with Mickey Luckoff and a 16 year personal relationship with
Gene.
Jerry
And angry loyal fans are pressuring other advertisers to do the same.
KGO will never be the same but if they work hard to hire back their dearly missed hosts, and go back to the format we loved, we may just be able to forgive them.
I have had writer's block lately. That thing called life keeps getting in the way. I asked my "fans" on my Facebook page to inspire me and give me some topics. Both Clare and Jen asked if I had any regrets or if I could go back in a time machine what year would I change.
The answer is no. Every decision I have made, or experience that I have had, has made me the person I am today and I don't want to change that. Even the bad stuff, because it's better the devil you know, than the devil you don't.
I have been mulling about this topic all morning. When this happens my brain turns into a cable news channel. No matter what is happening on the main screen there is a line of words continuously scrolling across the bottom. I am engaged with my present life but there is that scroll of words, which are my thoughts, just moving and changing as I edit out or in what I am going to blog about later.
At first I thought I am going to list every decision or experience I have ever had and blog about why I don't regret it. But as I did a mental review of my life I got bored, sad, and embarrassed. I realized any readers were going to have those same feelings. I can handle you being sad or embarrassed but not bored!
This blog is supposed to be about moms not easily offended by the realities of life so I decided to be real. No fluffy stuff. If you can't handle that right now then you are welcome to bail and go read Moms Who Drink and Swear (my favorite).
I am going to write about experiences and decisions I have made, but only since becoming a mother. So as to keep it brief, and not bore the shit out of everyone. Below will be a list of the topics:
Having kids
Getting pregnant on my honeymoon
Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months
Getting a nanny even though I am a stay-at-home-mom
Abortion/Autism/The big V
Buying this house
Anti-depressants
Starting my blog
Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out of it
Mike's diagnosis
Re-joining the Mom's Club
Almost losing my colon
Right now
If you are starting to get bored already I will just tell that the question is do I regret any of these and the answer is no. But if you want to know why then read on.
Having kids: For those who have known me pre marriage I used to say that I didn't want to have kids at all. And I meant it. But that's because I never met a man who I thought was capable of being a good father. Then I found Erik. Problem solved, he is a kick ass dad, husband and my best friend.
Getting pregnant on my honeymoon: I don't regret that though it was surprising and a tad inconvenient. I was wearing maternity clothes and still sending out thank you cards for wedding gifts.
Not breastfeeding beyond 6 months: I only lasted this long with Mike because he was a bad sucker and I mostly pumped and fed him breast milk from a bottle anyways. And I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Bekah if I had continued to breastfeed him. I only lasted 6 months with Bekah because I needed to go on an antibiotic for 2 weeks so I just quit. I lasted 10 months with Jake because he was a good sucker and by then I could nurse and walk around and yell at the other two.
Getting a nanny: LOSER! You are a stay-at-home-mom and you have a nanny how fucking lazy are you?! This is what I used to think about women with nannies. Then when Bekah was 5 weeks old I was nursing her and Mike got mad because Sesame Street ended so he launched himself off the couch, did a flip, landed on his head, held his breath and passed out. I thought he was going to be a paraplegic. I put Bekah on the floor and dialed 9-1-1. Mike was of course fine and showed the super cute firemen his firetruck. I was still in my jammies with milk leaking from my breasts and generally looked like shit. The next day I started the search for a nanny and I never looked back. When you find the right person to care for your kids you realize that there is nothing wrong with another person loving your children.
Abortion/Autism/The big V: Life was perfect! I had a boy, I had a girl, my husband's practice was going great, our house had gone up in value and then blam I got pregnant again! The birth control pill failed me for the first time in my life. I was NOT going to have 3 kids all under the age of 3 years old and all in diapers, oh hell no!!!!! But my husband talked me out of it, he said,"Families who can afford to feed their kids don't have abortions.". And I am glad I listened. He did schedule a vasectomy that day to be done in the future.
Some of you may be thinking that, "Wow she chose to have her son and then he ended up having Autism. I wonder if she regrets that.". No. He's the cutest one. I don't regret, I don't resent. His dimples, big brown eyes and blonde curls are those of an angel. And that's what he is. A mystery, a challenge, an angel. Every day I am a better person because of him. That doesn't mean I don't yell at him like I do to my other two but sometimes when nobody is looking I give him extra candy. He's my baby. He's my heart walking outside of my body that I will never be able to fully protect.
Please watch this video while I go dab my eyes. It never fails to make me laugh.
Buying this house: I miss my old house. It had a giant grassy yard with tons of trees. But it was too small for our growing family. So we put it up for sale, and selling that house and moving into this house, which tanked in value almost did me in. I started to bite my fingernails for the first time in my life. Keeping a house clean enough to sell with 3 kids under the age of 3 was brutal and then moving and unpacking......actually I never finished unpacking and we have been here for 4 years. But we have a bigger house and someday the value will be regained. And our old house was perfect for the family that moved into it.
Anti-depressants: Shortly after we moved into this house I started to wean Jake. I had gotten pregnant so quickly after having Bekah and Mike that I never experienced any post-partum "feelings". I really thought I had escaped it, and I was so happy because that sure didn't look fun. And then I weaned Jake and my body was not nursing and not pregnant for the first time in 3 years. I won't share the gory details, if you have been there yourself you don't want to hear it anyways. I used to think anti-depressants were for weak people. IDIOT!!!! I will never go off of them, ever. If momma ain't happy then ain't nobody happy.
Starting my blog: I had another blog before this, "You Sure Do Have Your Hands Full." Erik suggested I write to help me get stuff off my chest. Marrying him was the best choice I ever made even though he created a monster with the whole blog thing. It was a great idea but it got me in trouble and that blog is private now. Read below.
Quitting the Mom's Club before getting kicked out: I promise not to rehash this embarrassing episode of my life. You can read about it here. I don't regret that because I wouldn't have started this blog.
Mike's Diagnosis: March 2 years ago my oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory Processing disorder and my youngest was diagnosed with Autism. Not a good month. I went through all the stages of denial etc. etc. and now I look at Mike's diagnosis as a gift and Jake's as a challenge. All my children are gifts I don't deserve.
Re-joining the Mom's Club: Yep after all that drama I asked to return. I still had a young one at home and he needed socialization. I am totally glad I did even if I had to swallow my pride.
Almost losing my colon: The last year and a 1/2 were the worst for my health. I have Ulcerative Colitis and almost lost my colon. Last ditch switch to a new medication and I am totally happy and healthy again.
Right now: I am good! I am healthy, so are my kids. All of them are excelling in school and we are taking Jake to a developmental pediatrician to get a more detailed treatment plan. My husband is moving into a brand new office and even though he is a grouchy ass nervous wreck right now, it's going to be wonderful. I have an awesome support system of friends and family and I am so grateful for everything in my life.
I don't regret anything. Here is a song to express my feelings.
Wait for it.......right after the minute mark and it's worth it.
Below is a picture of my 3 monkeys. My four year old on the far right is named Jacob and he has Autism. He's beautiful.
I get a lot of emails and Facebook postings in regards to Autism in an attempt to educate myself about my son's condition. I don't read all of them and I rarely watch a video. Today I did, and I am so glad. It's hard to explain how it feels to have a child with Autism and not everyone has the same experience. I find it hard to put my feelings about my son into words. I don't want to get emotional or sound flippant, I don't want pity and I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable. Questions are welcome, parenting advice is not.
The video I watched today.......nailed it. At least for me. This father, without using spoken words, said exactly what I feel. And when he held up the notecard that says, "They came to our house.", my tears started flowing. Ugh, I hate crying sooo much! But that day those people came to my house to assess Jacob was, excuse my language, absolutely shitty!
In fact the experience inspired me to write a poem, not something you will usually get from me unless it's more like a dirty limerick. I copied my poem below this video. Will you watch it for me? Will you read my poem? I appreciate you.
When I first had kids I joined a mom's club. The next best thing after playgroup was MNO (Mom's Night Out). But some of us interpret that differently. I would leave, "Goodnight ladies", and then I would get a six-pack and drive to Las Trampas. I would put my feet up, sip some brew and watch the owls hunt. Then I would go home, pump and dump, and pass out. If I didn't do that, then I would take my husband's Mercedes and drive 130 mph from San Ramon to Fremont and back again, with the sun-roof open and blasting The Stones.
We traded the Mercedes in for a Honda and we both turned 40. Yuck. I had a MNO this evening and the most rebellion I could scrounge up was a trip to the local watering hole (after the mom's visit was over). The scene was ridiculous, I drank half a beer and bailed.
I know most people think I am a crazy liberal. But I do have a fair criteria for picking politicians. Can I have a beer with them?
I could totally have a beer with Arnold, John McCain, Reagan, Nixon (ok the last 2 are dead). I used to think that I could have a beer with Palin, but then she started talking and I realized I would rather break a beer bottle on her face.
Tonight the Gubernatorial debates were televised. I tried, tried, tried to be neutral. But hands down I would much rather have a beer with Jerry Brown. Just for the record I did shake hands with him when I was a child. His hands are basketball player large and he fit both me and my brother's hand in his. He also told me I was pretty and since most of my childhood I was mistaken for a boy, even after I started wearing a bra, this went straight to my heart. Ok so let's put all the favoritism aside and look at Meg Whitman..........
So the bitch turned Ebay around , that's awesome. She can run a HUGE company, that's no joke, I get it. But her voting record in her own words is "atrocious". Belly up to my imaginary bar and it's acceptable if you wake up at the age of 23 years old and say, "Damn! I have had the priveledge of voting since I was 18 and I am such an asshole for not taking advantage of that. ". Belly up to my bar at the ripe old age of Meg Whitman and display her erratic voting record and announce you are running to be the Governor of California.......I will not buy you a drink.
I am getting tired so I need to cut this short. Meg Whitman has spent, so far, $71 million of her personal fortune on her campaign. Blink, blink, pace the room, go pee, open a beer and sit down and think.... how much is my personal fortune. I bet you anything your personal fortune does not have room for $71 million in disposable cash. If you are a good person your disposable cash would go towards our suffering public schools, if you are a semi-decent person that cash would go for plastic surgery and if you are struggling with morals, that amount of cash could buy a lot of hookers and crack.
And I am so open-minded that I realize hookers have got to pay their mortgage and crack dealers need to pay rent. But Meg Whitman does not deserve to be Governor of the state of California. And if I was a real writer I would not end with this paragraph...........but my cat is licking his ass within ear shot and I need to sign some permission slips and go to bed.
Being an old married hag I have to admit I live vicariously through my babysitter. Saint Sarah is young, pretty, and has way more energy and patience than I do. She is also single and 24 years old. That means I already had a driver's license when she was born.
Recently Saint Sarah was complaining about men, seriously afraid she was going to be an old maid. I tried to comfort her, telling her that true love sneaks up on you. I told her that Erik and I didn't go on an actual date until 2 years after we met and I was 33 years old when we got married.
I advised her that men are pretty much useless until they get closer to the age of 30, and even then they still need a lot of maintenance. Just wait, I told her, as I swept the room with my arm, you could have all this.........and then my 5 year old peed on her lap.
After we cleaned her up,I once again tried to comfort her. Look I went out with a younger guy once. He was 20 and I was 21 years old. One night we were supposed to go out on a date. I picked him up, took him to the liquor store and bought him a 12 pack of beer and then he broke up with me in his driveway.
I drove home to my roommate in shock. But instead of comforting me she started to laugh hysterically, "He used you to get beer!!". I joined in the laughter, she was right, this dude wasn't worth a broken heart let alone a mild annoyance, I was just killing time with him anyways.
Saint Sarah seemed to be amused by this story, and as far as I am concerned there are very few men on this planet that deserve to breathe the same oxygen that she does.
Well while we are on the subject of embarrassing moments.... I had a huge struggle at the gym earlier this week . I had a fabulous, sweaty workout, I was so proud. But while in the locker room I hit an obstacle. I peeled off my sweaty clothes, placed my glasses in a safe place and then attempted to take off my sports bra. I have been doing some lifting lately so my arms were like spaghetti and as I went to pull off my sports bra it got stuck. It got stuck on my face. I was naked, naked, naked except for a sweaty bra stuck on my face. I couldn't see and I could barely breathe. Eeeek. I decided that after one deep breath if I couldn't get that bitch off my face I would ask for help....and then I would quit this gym.
I faced the wall, counted to ten, took a deep breath and then ripped that thing off of me. Phew...
If you have any embarrassing moments you would like to share with us than please bring it!!
I have been dealing with some shit lately. I strive to write funny, sometimes thought-provoking, but mostly funny posts. I am drawing a blank. And I really need to laugh.
So I am going to try something new. I am going to put this linky thing at the bottom of this post and I want you to add a link to either something funny on your blog or just a link to something you find hilarious.
Go ahead, make me laugh (Clint Eastwood voice). See, I am just not funny right now only dorky.
A side effect of being a mom, and especially a stay-at-home mom, is isolation. When my oldest was born I was so lucky to have an awesome neighbor whose 2nd son was born the day after my firstborn. We talked on the phone, we walked in the mornings, we traded dinners, we watched trashy reality t.v. together. I thought this whole mothering thing was a piece of cake.
Then my friend moved 2 states away. I had never felt so alone in my life. I found a mom's club and even though I eventually got kicked out because of my big mouth, I am still close friends with these women. I have known them now for 5 years and they have been a huge support.
Now I have 3 kids. Just a few months ago my oldest was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder and my youngest was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (which is basically Autism). I felt the same way that I did when my friend moved away, alone.
I cried and felt sorry for myself and drank too many beers and yelled at my kids and refused to have sex with my husband. And then I sucked it up and started looking for help.
So we all know about 9-1-1 and 4-1-1 but have you heard of 2-1-1? This number is somewhere in between 9-1-1 and 4-1-1, if you aren't having a full blown emergency but need more info than a phone number, than 2-1-1 is for you. Crisis intervention, family counseling, parenting classes etc. Free of charge.
Through them I was able to find out about CARE Parent Network. They hooked me up with another mom who has a son with ADHD and a son with Autism!!! That's better service than an online dating website, and it's free. This mom called me before mother's day when I just happened to be wine-tasting in Napa. I told her I couldn't talk at the moment and she said she was extremely jealous. But she called me back this evening, and Erik had taken the kids to the gym, so I was actually able to talk on the phone. We talked for an hour. We had a lot in common.
This hour long conversation was informative, but mostly therapeutic. The kind of phone call where you are scrambling for a pen to write down what she has to say, but where you also can just take comfort that somebody has walked a mile in your shoes. And she is still standing.
I am not the only parent in this family, I am not a single mom and Lord above I never want to be! So on my husband's day off I am dragging him to a Saturday full of parenting classes. Classes for parents of children with special needs; that's us.
After my firstborn got kicked out of his second preschool I found the ever so amazing School Of Imagination. My friends always tell me that I should be their spokesperson because I praise them so often. I can't help my enthusiasm, I love this school. Your kid could be as difficult as you can imagine, and they will nurture and bring out the best. School of Imagination also offers parenting seminars and other community outreach projects. One of these seminars are what we will be attending on Saturday.
A dear friend of mine, Danica, accused me of being so blue lately. Meaning my blog posts haven't been light hearted and funny. I agree. I have been dealing with some shit, I want perfection for my kids. And Danica isn't shallow by any means! I know she just turns to my blog for humor to get her through the day. : Here is a joke just for Danica: What's the difference between a heterosexual woman and a bisexual woman?
For the new readers of this blog I would like to inform you that every year I take pictures of my kids when their ages run concurrently. Since my oldest 2 are 17 months apart and my youngest 2 are 15 months apart, every spring they are very close in age, until my oldest's birthday in June. This year I am the proud owner of a 3,4 and 5 year old.
I used to do this big production where I cut out pieces of cardboard in the shapes of their ages and covered them with wrapping paper. I started off having them hold them, but then found it was easier to tape them to the wall above their heads.
This year I got almost no cooperation from them at all.
At first Mike completely refused, then Bekah and then Jake. This may be my last year doing this. I know the grandparents will be very disappointed.
Their tshirts say "I'm 3/4/5 what's your excuse?" My plan was for them to line up against the wall so you could read their tshirts. Whatever.
So much for the weeks of Weight Watchers menus. I had the best of intentions but life came along and kicked me in the balls and I really didn't feel like blogging at all.
The week of MLK my youngest brother got a blood clot in each lung and landed himself in the hospital for almost a week. He is only 33 years old so it was a huge shock. He is at home resting now and hopefully healing fully.
That same week my laptop left this world for a better place. It had taken too much abuse and refused to work any longer under such heinous conditions. I have a new one coming in a few weeks so in the meantime I am on Erik's old laptop. This one has a messed up letter "P" key which you have to push really hard, so for the rest of this email just ut in a "P" where you think one should go. It's really hurting my inkie finger having to ress it so hard.
Another thing that has been reventing me from blogging is that my kids no longer na. They still do quiet time but it's not that quiet. They want me to read them stories, feed them snacks, change the t.v. channel, and lay games. I also have to hel my 5 year old with homework and mediate fights and kee Jake from causing roerty damage.
Jake is another reason I haven't felt like writing. Long story short, we knew as arents that Jake has a seech delay. We had him assessed and it turns out he may have some other delays as well. Fairly significant delays. I got this news a few days before Xmas and it was a kick in the balls for sure. We immediately enrolled him in seech theray and he is excelling. We also enrolled him in a class called Infant Devlopment Program at the same school his siblings attend. It's very intense and structured and he is doing very well there. Jake has no diagnosis yet and is scheduled for a sychological evaluation in March. Wish us luck.
My oldest son Mike is also scheduled for an aointment with a delomental ediatrician in March. I just breed quirky boys. Wish us luck for that one too.
I have realized now that my goal as a mother is to get my kids through high school, emloyed and living on their own. I just want them to be indeendent and self-sufficient. Anything else is gravy. College, healthy marriages, glorious grandchildren etc. is all gravy. I am just focusing on the fact that my kids are healthy and absolutely gorgeous and if they do become suer stars then I will burst with joy. My goal for Bekah was to cure cancer and Mike and Jake are to be outrageously wealthy rofessional athletes. That could still haen.
And what about Bekah you ask? She's fine. Sassy and bossy but that's comletely normal. And I am being esecially nice to her because I realize she will be the one taking care of me when I am old.
I feel better getting those events out there in the oen. Thanks for listening. Maybe my writer's block is over now that I have gotten those heavy things off my chest.
I am all about hay endings so here's what has been keeing me from going over the edge: WE ARE GOING ON A 7 DAY CRUISE AND LEAVING ON VALENTINE'S DAY! I can't fucking wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even care that I am still chubby from the holidays. If you are good while I am gone I will take a icture of my tits in a bathing suit and ost it here for you to enjoy.
I saw my new super fabulous gastroenterologist today. Don't laugh at me for putting a link for gastroenterologist because most people are lucky enough to not know what that is. He gave me the go ahead to eat salad, raw veggies and light dairy (with a lactaid tablet). And I can go back to the gym!
But, drumroll please.................I can start cutting back on the Prednisone, side effects I have experienced:
changes in vision filling or rounding out of the face headache high blood pressure muscle cramps or pain nausea pain in arms, back, hips, legs, ribs, or shoulders sensitivity of eyes to light swelling of feet or lower legs mood swings/irritability trouble in sleeping unusual bruising unusual tiredness or weakness sweating wounds that will not heal
I have changed the font on my emails to size 18 because my eyes are tweaky like this chick and I couldn't focus. The week after I came home from the hospital I was dizzy, felt faint and would see stars just sitting on the damn couch. Unfortunately while I have been taking Prednisone my kids' voices sound like fingernails on a chalkboard. I am grateful beyond belief that my husband is a rock star. He will say, "Hon..." and that's interpreted as, "Hey chick you're losing it with the kids.". And then I say, "Dude seriously, I am trying to hold it together as best I can. ". And then he says, "Hey kids, let's go upstairs/downstairs/outside.".
3o minutes after I take the Prednisone in the morning this is what is happening in my frontal lobes. I like my frontal lobes when they are undisturbed.
The first week after I was released from the hosptial I would burst into tears at the slightest provacation. Then my awesome nurse practitioner prescribed me something for sleep and my weepiness turned into irritability. Except that's an understatement. Irritability is when somebody chews with their mouth open, uses double negatives, orders 5 drinks at Starbucks before 9am when there is a long line. The feelings I have are more akin to like, cutting you off in traffic at a red light, and then pulling you out of your driver's seat and beating the shit out of you. Of course I would never do that.
So before my dear nurse practioner prescribed me something for sleep I felt like these chicks. Now I only feel like them in the middle of the night. After the stuff wears off. Some sleep is better than none. So back in the day I have done some partying. Waaaay back! Have you ever taken acid (LSD) that was cut with a ton of crank? Don't worry I will answer that for you. It sucks. The pretty colors wear off and you are wide awake and it's not good. You can literally drink a 12 pack of beer and run a marathon and still not feel tired. This experience has taught me that I will never have to worry about being addicted to Cocaine or any other drug in that family. Caffiene is the strongest upper I can handle. And an occasional Sudafed, when the air gets bad. Me likey mellow.
I tried to tell my new gastroenterologist how awesome he was today, how grateful I was for the considerate, thoughtful care that he gave me. Then I started to tear up and I clammed up. And this is how awesome he is, he said, "I know the Prednisone makes you cry, I know this isn't you. And it was my total pleasure to take care of you.". Uhm of course that didn't help my condition.I am not one of those chicks who can just cry and move on. When I cry my eyes immediately swell, my face, neck and chest get red and blotchy, my nose runs, my voice gets shaky and I sound like a 12 year old boy going through puberty. It's like I am allergic to tears. So as soon as I shut myself down out of embarassement, my new doc laughed and said, "Some people actually get giddy on steroids. ". Holy shit, giddy?! I love giddy!
Starting tommorrow I get to reduce the Prednisone by 10 mg and will continue to reduce by 10 mg each week for the next 4 weeks. Phew! I will soon feel like the garden below.
Ok not really but that's my goal.
And we forgot our anniversary. Erik and I just totally forgot that October 4th was our 6 year wedding anniversary. So this weekend I nailed down Saint Sarah and we are going for volcanic ash baths and 60 minute massages in Calistoga and some dinner.
Yesterday I was sitting around in my pajamas feeling sorry for myself when my phone rang. It was a dear friend telling me she didn't want to disturb me but that she did leave a treat on my doorstep. And then I started crying, again. Damn I hate crying. My usual moods run the gamut from happy, feisty, grumpy, sleepy, buzzed and hungry, but not weepy. I don't do weepy!
It's this fucking steroid Prednisone I am on for the next month. Like clockwork 30 minutes after I take it I start crying. For no reason! It's also making me short of breath, nauseous,sweaty and makes my legs and feet sore. So I am just limping around at home all sweaty and crying. My poor kids and husband, who the hell wants to live with that?
Well 30 minutes after I took my meds yesterday my friend showed up with her nice card and banana bread, so of course I started crying. I am now going to plagiarize what she wrote because it was directed not just at me but to all moms. I will tell you the author's name is Julie. But since I was born in 1970 pretty much all of my friends are named Julie, Stephanie, Megan, Michelle, Jennifer and a few Yvettes. So that really doesn't give you much of a clue.
The pretty card she gave me had some glittery ladybugs on it:
"I think it's time you take a second for yourself. I'm sure this flare-up was scary and humbling- health issues always are- so I hope that when (if?) you have a quiet moment you can reflect back on it and see it as a kind of wake-up call. It's so easy as mothers and wives to put ourselves on the back burner, and before you know it, the shit has really hit the fan! Please, next time you are in pain, don't try to hide it and ignore it. listen to your body, and lean a little on your support system when you need it- you clearly have an army of people around you who love you.
I hope you see this ashelpful, not preachy. I adore you and want only the very best for you. Take Care of Yourself!"
I promise I will and I want everyone else to do likewise.
I showed Erik that card last night and he totally agreed and thought it was very sweet. He told me he feels bad that I should have to cook 3 different kinds of foods every night: his dinner, my dinner if I even feel like eating, and then the kids' dinner. So I told him that some of my friends had volunteered to bring more meals and that I can ask if those are still available. Now we have 6 days of meals coming, Yay!!
I am also lettting the house go a little bit. When I get all sweaty, short of breath and start limping then I get to sit guilt free.
My oldest is having issues at school and I am not sure if he really is crying for me because he thinks I am going back to the hospital or if he is just milking it. My 5 year old is highly intelligent and OVERLY DRAMATIC. I am trying to toe the line of extra love and extra smackdown. He dropped an F bomb in class this week, but at least he used it in a sentence............. I sent an email to his teacher apologizing and asking for any brilliant ideas, she's a smart cookie so I can use her as a resource for sure. My other 2 monkeys are just more lovey dovey than usual, and that's totally fine.
And get this! My gorgeous husband has decided that waiting 3 more years for another vacation is absurb and not heathy for us as individuals, a couple and a family. I hid my sickness because I didn't want to ruin my brother's wedding and didn't want any attention on me. Fail!! So Erik wants me to book a weeklong family vacation in Februrary so that we have something to look forward to! I am on it! And Auntie M has forbidden me to take my kids to Disneyland without her. She told me she would be heartbroken and she wants to see their faces the first time they go. So we have to get planning on a early summer Disneyland trip! I haven't been to Disneyland in 26 years!!
Ok so this present nausea and sweating jag has passed and I need to clean the kitchen a little bit.
Today is a day of fasting and the most serious Jewish holiday on the calendar. It is YomKippur , until sunset.
But after spending 3 days in the hospital last week my very young kids need to get back to a completely normal, and as uneventful schedule as possible. Meals, school, nap time, quiet time. Services at our beautiful temple just aren't happening this year. I need mellow and peace for my stressed out little monkeys, who clung to me when I dropped them off at school this morning.An outing with just mommy after nap time would be nice, but nothing to0 wild and crazy.
YomKippur is all about atonement, and my prayer for today and my atonement for the new year is to take better care of myself. I was eating healthy and exercising but I really need to step it up even more. Just getting put on a simple anti-biotic and ignoring the ravages it did to my stomach, ended up separating me from my kids, my husband and my health and energy. I ain't doing that shit again!!!
I don't mind being separated from my kids if I am in Vegas but in the hospital where I feel like hell and my kids are super worried, is not acceptable.
So I will continue to gradually work up to a diet of low-fat and high-fiber after I get over this no fiber, almost full liquid diet. When my strength is back I will get back exercising and I will take all my meds even if they are poison and I will take lots of vitamins and probiotics to combat the poison meds. And I will ask for help if I need it and not put on a happy face.
And I promise to start being funny and irreverent again because I am starting to bore the shit out of myself. And please accept my apology for any offenses or yawns or tears I caused you in the last year. I would rather make my friends laugh.
I realize most of my readers aren't Jewish but if you want to write any goals, to-do lists, or link ups to your blog from this post feel free. Maybe you have a project to work on too and we can support you.
Well if you are a regular reader you would know that last weekend I wrote about having a tough time with my illustrious colon. I was bemoaning the misfortune of having feeling like hell and having a disease that nobody wants to talk about, especially me!
The final chapter on last weekend was that I decided to continue on the steroids my gastroenterologist had prescribed me, and things will be looking up soon. That was last Sunday, by Tuesday I could barely get out of bed. I was in pain and had lost more blood than I was comfortable with. I personally called my gastroenterologist, and when I have time I will be shopping for a new one. All this time I had been in remission or had mild flare-ups but now that I was really sick, he was not helpful. He agreed that a trip to the E.R. might not be out of the question, but warned me I might lose my colon. I am not sure how he could tell that over the phone but it certainly didn't quell my anxiety.
I called my sitter Saint Sarah to come in early to get the kids dressed and to school and I insisted on showering. Erik drove me to the hospital and I won't lie I went straight to a bed instead of the waiting room and I was grateful for that perk. Erik gave the staff a quick update, kissed me and went to check on his patients. It's so embarassing talking about my symptoms that all 3 people were leaning towards me to hear what I had to say. I am not a quiet person, most people in my family don't own indoor voices. I just didn't want everyone to hear. And then I started to cry and then they took my blood pressure. 203/122! That spoke louder than words. I was in a lot of pain. The E.R. doctor was so nice and ordered some Ativan, "To step this crying down. ". He didn't say it in a rude way, it was helpful. I can't talk if I am crying and I couldn't stop crying because I was anxious, and the anxiety and pain was making my blood pressure go through the roof.
I was there less than an hour, and they decided who was taking over and that I was spending the night, and was scheduled a sigmoidoscopy for the next morning. Moms aren't supposed to go into the hospital.
San Ramon is a small town and Auntie M had seen Erik driving me to the hospital that morning so she called me on my cell and asked what's up. It was perfect because I could immediately begin to arrange child-care, and school transportation, and meals. When I got off the phone the nurse joked that I had been spotted by the paparazzi.
I was quickly whisked upstairs into a room and Auntie M came shortly after bearing trashy mags, a smile and a promise to keep the kids in line. After she left 2 nurses came back and started tossing stuff onto my bed and said we are moving you. "Why?", "Aren't you Dr. Gracer's wife?", "Yes". "Well we have a bigger room with a view for you.". "Oh that's really nice but that's not necessary I just need a toilet and a bed and a tv.". But they wheeled my groggy self to a bigger room, it was sweet but the view was wasted, because I immediately passed out.
They woke me for my clear liquid diet lunch and dinner and I ate it out of self-defense. Jello and popsicles should never be an entree. I was still in pain and the steroids make me weepy. It's embarrassing because my husband has to work there and they are going to think his wife is a crybaby. Thankfully my night shift nurse was a ray of sunshine. Super attentive without nagging or being clingy. I am partial to people who work the graveyard shift ,because I did that in an emergency psychiatric hospital, it takes a different kind of person.
The next morning was the sigmoidoscopy and they wheeled me down to that unit. I overheard my friend's voice so I called him over. One of our closest friends is a gastroenterologist and he is usually the one who would be doing this to a patient. I don't mind getting drunk and having a guy friend see me naked in a hot tub but a sigmoidoscopy is where I draw the line. He laughed and said he understood.
Now it was time for the procedure and they had me turn on my side. I warned them that I metabolize medications very quickly and have a habit of waking up during times I was supposed to be sedated. The nurse said, "OK ," Gave me the shot in my I.V. and then turned around to do paperwork. I bored holes in her back with my eyes. She turned around, and I smiled, she said, "Just give it a few more seconds.". I was feeling rainbows and unicorns but I was still awake, and there was no way in hell they were going to stick a garden hose up my ass while I was conscious. She turned around again to meet my buggy eyes and then turned to the physician, "Can I give her more?", "What!?". He was a little surprised to see my unblinking stare, but he must have said yes because that's the last I remember.
After the procedure there was a huge chunk of time that is not very coherent. I know that I was told some stuff, but then I had to ask over and over again because my short-term memory was a mess. After many people repeating to me many times I finally understood that I was grateful to not have an infection or polyps, and though they did take a biopsy they didn't think it was cancerous. But it did look like my colitis had spread significantly. I was weepy and tired and wanted my kids. My husband was tired too and very stressed out and everyone was just trying to hold it together.
My monkeys did come to visit and ate my popsicle, which was my entree, and some licorice the nurses gave them. They made a sticky mess and crawled all over me and asked lots of questions. And I was sad to see their smily faces go. The rest of that night I was still uncomfortable but I got another night shift nurse who was a rock star. All night long she kept trying to get me to lower my blood pressure. At one point I was on a pain med, benadryl and ativan and it was still 188/103. I was just laying there doing nothing! Finally she looked at me and said, "Is it me? Do I stress you out?". I cracked up and said, "You are the least of me worries!". She then said, "Well maybe I am just too hot.". I suggested she wipe off her sexy lip gloss and we can try again later. I believe bantering and a sense of humor is something that should be taught in nursing and medical school. This woman was so nice she stopped by in the afternoon to check on me on her OWN time.
When the doctor came by to visit me the next morning I told him the truth about how I was feeling and all it got me was another night in the hospital!!! What?! I was feeling better than on Tuesday so I thought for sure they would let me go. But he made a good point, "You are going to go home and start chasing your kids and end up back here on I.V. again. I need to get in as many steroids in I.V. form inside of you before you go back home.". He's right but this is just not practical. More crying. And Erik was supposed to be on-call that night at the hospital I am a patient at. I had to pull out the big guns and asked my mom to come please spend the night at my house.
By now my kids were showing by their behavior the stress of not having mommy at home. They weren't being very nice to their Nana and Grandma Wheeze and Mike was crying at school. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. The only upside was that my MIL brought me some cute little scarecrow figurines to decorate for the holidays and my mom brought me some decent toiletries and panties (instead of the thong panties Erik brought me). And I was switched to a full liquid diet instead of clear liquid. Pureed soup tasted like a gourmet meal at this point.
Erik came by later with my laptop so I could order groceries online to be delivered, that made me feel a little more in control of my life. I told him to come back after tucking his patients into bed so he could give me a kiss. I tried to wait getting my pain meds until after he left but I couldn't wait. I have a fuzzy memory of somebody kissing me goodnight, I hope it was Erik and not the janitor.
Another Florence Nightingale got me through the night and in the morning I had one foot out the door. I told the doctor I was fabulous and was told to take it easy this weekend and eat a low-residue diet. Saint Sarah had to pick up the kids from school first and then I told her to just wait out for me out front so she wouldn't have to drag all 3 through the hospital. Well you know how hospitals insist on wheeling you out in a wheel chair? So here I am sitting waiting for a wheel chair and I can hear my kids over my cell screaming for mommy. Finally I flag down a nurse and tell her my ride is here. She asks if I can walk and I say hell yeah I can walk. We pass my volunteer in the hallway on the way to the elevator. A little old lady volunteer who practically needs the wheelchair as a walker. We told her it was ok, I can walk to my car, and the nurse and I laughed that maybe her volunteer duties should be stapling or giving out kleenexes instead of wheeling large adults around.
My kids were out of their little minds when they saw me. Mike and Bekah both unbuckled their seatbelts and lunged at me and Jake strained against his carseat and whined. I gave them lots of hugs and kisses and tried to get my bag from the nurse. She just stood there and said, "They are so happy to see you, oh it's so sad, they missed you. ". I thought she was going to cry. Oh jeez. So I just got in the van and buckled them back in and gave them hugs and kisses and then got my bag from the nurse and told her it was ok.
Wow coming home was not peaceful. The kids were hungry, whining and spinning out of control. The grocery guy showed up at the same time, to deliver the groceries and so did Erik with our new bookkeeper. It was total fucking chaos. I did not want to meet our new bookkeeper while dressed in pajamas and bruises from I.V.s on my arms and my kids in tears. She must think her new boss has the most dysfunctional family ever. The timing couldn't be worse.
We got the very nice grocery guy out the door even though I did want to talk to him about his daughter's wedding, she's a marine. I helped Erik seperate some personal and business files for our new bookeeper which she means she had to go in our home office in our messy bedroom. Then Saint Sarah and I tackled feeding the kids, cleaning the kitchen and putting the groceries away. I put Jake down for a nap and then sent Sarah to Target to pick up my meds while I did some more de-cluttering. But the hospital called the meds into Walgreen's instead of Target, sigh. So Sarah came back with the kids and made brownies with them and I went back to Target to straighten it out.
By this time my knees and ankles were starting to swell and I was really tired and irritable. But when I got home my dear friend Barb was here with her awesome monkey and everything was calm and quiet. Auntie M had come to pick up Bekah for some special girly time and Jake was napping. I was so grateful I teared up. This is more crying I have done in years, people who know me know I am not a crier. Another dear friend Danica brought dinner and we put the kids down for an early bed without a squawk.
This morning Erik came to the room and said, "Honey can you get up?", at first I was annoyed, thinking he should cut me some slack, but then he said, "It's 10:30a.m.". I was shocked I thought it was like 7 in the morning. I was so tired. I sent Erik back to bed and I got up to hang with the monkeys. I was feeling so much better and it's nice to be in my home. But I can really see the affect me being gone had on my young kids. When their Nana showed up today, my mother-in-law, the kids clung to me and were rude to her. Bekah ran into another room, Mike's rudeness was too much to ignore and he ended up on a time-out. I reassured them that Nana was just there to go to a birthday party with their Daddy and that I will be home the whole time. I am not going anywhere. Poor babies.
I just want to give a shout-out to all my friends and family that picked up the slack this week. Thank you for the orchid and the card, the magazines, tons of food, taking care of my kids and my husband, my laundry and just being here to listen. I really,really appreciate it and could not have done it without you. Love, Charlotte
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