Stupid Assholes

Do you ever get really frustrated with your atypical child?  Most of the time you are patient, but sometimes you wish for a kid who doesn't think outside of the box.  Can't they just be a jock/cheerleader kid and not a blue-spiky-haired kid?


You draw a deep breath and look away only to see another parent look at your child with a disdainful look.  WTF?  Whoa Nellie!  I can be irritated with my child but you need to be grateful to be breathing the same oxygen as my kid!!


And 20 years from now when your kid turns over their paycheck to you for rent money you will see my kids signature on the bottom. 


That is all.

Pacifier Vs. Dirty Sock

Before you have kids most people know that you are going to be dealing with a lot of poop. Then you become a parent and realize you had no idea just exactly how many different bodily fluids you have to deal with on a daily basis. Then you become a seasoned parent and build up an immunity to grossness. Nothing seems to make you squeamish anymore. Yesterday I found something that made me very squeamish.


We went to the usual weekend little kid's birthday gathering with mandatory jumpy house in the backyard. Jake's shoes were off due to the jumpy house and he managed to make a few runs of the backyard in his socks so they got very dirty. He was very tired after the party and on his way home instead of popping a binkie (pacifier) into his mouth he peeled off one of his filthy socks and stuck it in his mouth! Retch!

Jake is 3 rows back in the mini-van so I couldn't reach him to tear the offending sock out of his mouth and I was driving so I couldn't climb back there. Erik can't turn around in a moving vehicle because he gets car sick. I was forced to look at the below image everytime I looked in my rearview mirror. Gag!

As soon as I got home I snuck that hideous thing out of his mouth. And took a picture of it. The toes of the sock were in his mouth and he was actually sucking on it like a pacifier. This nice family owns a large dog so you can just imagine the things that sock picked up. Heave!

I guess it's nice to know that I have not become as jaded as I thought I had. Maybe having a 4th child will finally make me immune to all things disgusting. Hurl!

I Should Be Cleaning The Kitchen

The pic above are my 3 monkeys right before my oldest turned 7 years old. Every spring their birthdays line up.  The first year this happened, 1,2,3 years old, I took a picture of them holding up their ages and now I am committed to doing that every spring as long as they will let me. 


We hit a recent milestone.  With his goofy 3 missing teeth smile my oldest refused to kiss me good-bye in public this morning. I didn't cry but when I pick him up from camp this afternoon I am going to grab him and give him a big smooch. Payback for all the times he has farted, burped and yelled inappropriate words in public.


My youngest son just stuck a handful of coins in the oven. I don't know why he does that. Thankfully he only does it when the oven is off.


My daughter brought a Christmas stocking full of doll clothes to school this morning. We are Jewish and it's July. I like to choose my battles wisely. Otherwise known as too tired to fight about it. 


My husband and I like to add our own dialogue to The Bacherlorette reality show. It's R-rated and funny as hell. To the two of us.


OK I feel better.  The garbage disposal is dead after much abuse, so I guess I gotta take care of that. And clean the damn kitchen.  The floor is sticky like a movie theater.

Passover For Those Afraid to Ask

Before I got married I converted to Judaism. My friends and family were supportive of my decision but I could tell they felt awkward when it came to asking questions.
The questions I would get were:"So do you go to church every Friday night?"
"How long is Hanukkah, 12 days?"
"What is the holiday where you eat that gross fish in a jar?"

When I was going through my conversion process I found that reading Jewish children's websites was the most helpful way to get the basics of everything Judaism.  When I had more complex questions, and wanted to delve into deeper issues, I would read the Jewish adult websites. 

Tonight at sundown Jewish people across America will be sitting down to a Seder for the holiday of Passover. It's a long dinner but it's not boring. Think Catholic wedding except with food and more wine. Lots of ritual and joyous. This is the bible story that covers the burning bush, parting of the red sea and the freedom of slaves.  Good stuff.

. . And yes, gross fish in a jar. It's called Gefilte Fish and this will offend some people, but I totally agree that it is gross! But there are other Passover delicacies that make up for the gross fish in a jar: 

Matzo Ball Soup

and

Flourless Chocolate Torte. 

So now you know just enough about Passover to get you through the week if you are not Jewish.  And here is another tidbit you can impress your friends with, Sammy Davis Jr. also converted to Judaism.  I am not going to pretend I am as cool as Sammy Davis Jr. but it is nice to be in such groovy company. And speaking of groovy you have to watch this video below. It's appropriate for Passover because A) Sammy is Jewish and B) Aretha briefly sings her song "Think" which has those great lyrics about freedom.

An Ode to my Sister-in-law

 I wrote this 2 years ago and nothing has changed. My sister-in-law, Merrill, pulls my ass out of the fire on a weekly basis and is my best friend.
Happy Birthday Auntie M.

Ok so this was supposed to go out for Auntie M's birthday but what can I say, I am slacker. I also didn't want to just bust out something half-assed.

I met Merrill for the first time briefly at her house in Fremont when Erik and I were on the way to a party in S.F. Auntie M and her husband Uncle Chrissy were very nice and Kaitlyn was about 2 years old and Haley was about 7 months old, so cute.

The first time I really hung out with her was at her in-law's ranch in Sunol. Very intimidating to go to a weekend camping trip where the only person you know is your boyfriend. And there were a lot of people there for this Memorial Day Weekend. And these were my kind of people. Beer, food, more beer, more food, some music, some dancing, guns, dogs and more beer and more food. I had just come off a graveyard shift with no sleep but I quickly pulled it together and had a great Friday night. The next morning Merrill asked me to put sunscreen on baby Haley. I felt honored that she would trust me and I remember holding Haley on my lap and as I went to rub sunscreen on her ears she leaned towards my fingers and closed her eyes. So cute. I got to know Merrill better that weekend and really liked her.

As me and Erik's relationship progressed I realized how close Erik is to his sister and how lucky I am that she is likable. I worked Christmas day at the psych hospital and Erik went home to do Hannukah/Xmas with his family. When he got back I went to visit him and Erik escorted me into his living room and pointed to one corner; that pile is the gifts I got from my family and that pile is the gifts you got from my family. My pile was way bigger. Yay, they liked me!!

One day Erik told me that Merrill told him, "If you ever break up with Charlotte I will fucking kill you. ". I asked, "You were talking about breaking up with me?!". "No!", he said.

In a conversation with Merrill somehow we were talking about Erik's exes and Merrill said she liked me, "......because you are so normal.". Damn who was he dating before?

Erik and I moved to San Ramon and he was working with his father. On a day that Erik was supposed to be home early, he was not around so I called his cell phone. "What are you doing?", I asked, "Nothing.". My husband does not know how to lie which is a great thing to have in a husband. "If you are doing nothing then why can I hear Merrill's voice in the background?". Duh. He hung up and Merrill called me back and asked what kind of engagement ring I was looking for. I told her and she got me exactly what I wanted, with Erik's money.

Merrill planned my bachelorette party, it was so awesome that I can't put anything about it in this blog.

Merrill planned my bridal shower, and it was girly and beautiful, and all my family and friends felt welcomed. Merrill did a ton of other stuff for my wedding as well as having her girls as my flower girls. She also spent the night with me in my hotel room the night before my wedding and knew that was the one morning that it would be safe to wake me up and jump on my bed. She jumped all around me and said, "You're getting married today, you're getting married today.".

On my wedding day she kept me safe from all drama.

She was the first one to know I was pregnant. I wanted to tell my husband first but when I called Merrill to ask why when the wind blew a mile away my boobs hurt, she accurately guessed I was pregnant.

Merrill was in the room when Mike was born. I was at first opposed to having so many people in the delivery room but after Mike was born I realized that Erik and my Dad were window dressing. Merrill, my step-mom Cherie and my MIL Jan were my pit crew. I needed them. Jan is good for cheerfulness and food and hugs and kisses. Cherie is the type of person that when you lean forward in bed she fluffs your pillows, she also takes over the care and feeding of my father who is very emotional in situations like this. And Merrill knows how to communicate with me as a peer. She tells me what I am feeling is normal or not normal, she steers me in the right direction, I even let her grab my nipple and shove it in Mike's mouth for his first feeding. By the time I got around to having Jake, Merrill was back in school finishing her degree. Jake's birth coincided with finals and Merrill told me she might not make his birth. I of course understood but on the inside I was panicky. Jake was a good boy and made sure she was in the room when his daddy delivered him.

And speaking of back to school. Merrill finished her degree with 2 kids in elementary school and took care of my family while I was on partial bed rest!! I will never stop being impressed by that. And I feel like I never truly told her to her face how grateful I was, I was sooo preoccupied with my uterus.

She also got honors. And when I took my monkeys to her graduation she snatched Jake and showed him off to all of her friends.

And now Auntie M has moved to San Ramon! And I love it because she picks up Mike and takes him places. And they come over here and party . And just last weekend I went and got the damn stomach flu. It was bad and Erik decided I needed to go to the E.R. for some I.V. fluids. I called Merrill that morning and not only did we wake them up but her girls were at their grandmother's! So she was kid-free and sleeping in and I woke them up and asked them to come watch my kids so Erik could take me to the E.R. When I got home my youngest was napping and Merrill had cleaned my house.

I did not grow up with sisters, I have 2 younger brothers, 5 step-brothers and 3 step-sisters. My step-sisters are sweet but we did not grow up together. Now at the ripe old age of 38 I get to have a sister. In fact Merrill is wearing my cute, new jacket out tonight and I recently borrowed a dress of her's to wear to Erik's 20th high school reunion. Unfortunately we don't wear the same shoe size. But damn just think if we did.................this would be the perfect relationship.

Bedtime Antics

I don't know about you but, once that obligatory bedtime routine is executed, and all the bedroom doors are shut, I am off-duty. As long they don't open their door and yell mom, and I don't smell any smoke, then I am enjoying me time. Except tonight. 

I tried to ignore the antics, until plaster from the ceiling started to rain on my head. The windows were shaking, the blinds were swinging and my cat looked terrified. I finally trudged upstairs to find 3 individual broadway acts going on. Except it was more like a combination of Vaudeville and mixed martial arts.

I witnessed singing, stuffed animal throwing and wrestling. I yelled at them to go to bed but without much enthusiasm.  I started to realize that if the three of them can do this much damage, wait until we have slumber parties.

Awards and Why I don't Do Them

I am not one of those mommy bloggers who gives cute stuff away and awards their friends with heartfelt awards. Why?  Because I suck. I am lazy and unorganized.

This chick Angie who has her shit way more together than I do, gave me an award and I am very grateful. Please check out her blog, she's cute, sarcastic, is funny and drinks.

Coming soon: My kids will go back to school and I will have time to blog.  I want to tell you about my summer and otherwise bore or entertain you, and indulge myself.

Right now I have the news on and I guess our troops are leaving Iraq. My bro, who is a Navy Seal, was supposed to go to Iraq next month. Now I wonder if he is still going. It would be great if he stayed home and impregnated his wife instead of going to a shit-hole and getting his ass shot off. I think this calls for a cold one.

Spring Numbers

For the new readers of this blog I would like to inform you that every year I take pictures of my kids when their ages run concurrently. Since my oldest 2 are 17 months apart and my youngest 2 are 15 months apart, every spring they are very close in age, until my oldest's birthday in June. This year I am the proud owner of a 3,4 and 5 year old.

I used to do this big production where I cut out pieces of cardboard in the shapes of their ages and covered them with wrapping paper.  I started off having them hold them, but then found it was easier to tape them to the wall above their heads.

This year I got almost no cooperation from them at all.

At first Mike completely refused, then Bekah and then Jake. This may be my last year doing this. I know the grandparents will be very disappointed.

Their tshirts say "I'm 3/4/5 what's your excuse?"  My plan was for them to line up against the wall so you could read their tshirts. Whatever.

A Writing Exercise

Once again I have landed myself in the hospital.  Long story short; I tripped, fell on my face, the scrapes became infected with cellulitis and here I am getting I.V. antibiotics.

To keep myself from begging the nurses for narcotics I have decided to choose a writing exercise. I like this one:
       "List five products your father used, or uses,  and write a longer piece about, at least, one of them. "

1) Swisher Sweets Cigars, that came in that red carboard box.













2) McDonald's Playland.

3)Brut Cologne














4)  Polaroid Camera











5) Morton's Salt and Pepper shaker
















I was born in 1970 and my brother was born in 1973. My mother and father got a divorce when I was just barely three years old. This action made my father a swinging single Dad, smack dab right in the middle of the Seventies.We spent every other weekend in his lackadaisical custody and his nappy headed daughter and snot-nosed son never slowed his MILF(mothers I like to F) hunting prowress. In fact it only greatly honed his skills.  We were used as bait.

My Dad would pick us up on a Friday night with a Swisher Sweet Cigar lodged in his mouth. Rarely smoked, just chomped upon. And thank G-d for that because when lit they smelled anything but sweet, gag. Once those extra large cigar boxes were emptied of cheap cigars they were filled with fishing gear, nails and paperclips, and change for the Benicia toll bridge, these littered the floor of his truck.  In his home the boxes were used to store pictures and receipts.

But I digress, when it was his weekend, he promptly picked us up and took us out to a fine Scottish dining establishment. McDonald's. But it had to have an outdoor Playland.

Once we parked his truck, with ladder on top, in the parking lot he would spit out his cigar and splash on some Brut cologne. Another completely offensive, yet comforting odor, from my childhood. I asked my Dad once how Brut cologne was made.  My father told me that it came from a special gnat's armpits in Europe.

For years this answer haunted me. Many a sleepless night I wondered how they extracted this exotic pheromone from a gnat's armpit. Did the cologne lab technicians put the tiny gnat on a crucifix with I.V. needles and tubing sticking out of his armpits, draining away the precious scent?  Or did they just catch the gnats with a very fine net, ground them with a mortar and pestle and then use a sieve to extract all liquids?  Was the special armpit scent so strong that it overpowered the other liquified body parts, or did they have to extract only that particular fluid? And if it was so labor intensive to gather this manly scent then why was it so cheap?

Anyways, we would get our Happy Meals and eat at the picnic tables in the McDonald's Playland. My Dad would generously sprinkle his french fries with the Morton's salt he kept in the glove compartment of his truck.

After eating our food Billy and I would take off to play and my Dad would start prowling. McDonald's was an excellent place for single Moms to take their kids after work on a Friday night. My Dad was pure genius for figuring this out, because he was usually the only single Dad there. My Dad would approach his victim and put his foot up on the bench where she was seated and then lean on his knee and start chatting her up. If she shot him down, or seemed disinterested, my Dad would just move onto the next single mom. He was shameless! The next victim could be sitting less than 2 feet away but that did not deter him.

By the time me and Bill were started to get bored or tired my Dad would have at least one set of digits from a fine young mom. And the topper? He would take a polaroid picture. Two polaroid pictures. One of the cute mom and her kids which he would give to her and then one of all of us (he would use the timer setting) and he would keep that one. When we were back in the truck my father would write her name, the names of her kids and her phone number on the back of the polaroid for future reference.
Genius.

If she was lucky he would call her up for a date on a weekend when he was missing the company of his kids.

Facebook Politics

It's Easter morning. My dear husband let me sleep in and then he took my place in bed when I got up. I staggered downstairs for some coffee. Checked on the monkeys who were doing various monkey activities and then I sat down with my laptop.



My Aunt Kitty posted something about Sarah Palin in her Facebook status. Palin is speaking at CSUS (Stanislaus) at $5oo. a head. You wanna get my panties in a bunch? Just mention Sarah Palin. And I am not the only one who feels that way, because Aunt Kitty's friends started chiming in about what an idiot Palin is. But then my dear sweet Uncle Ron (Kitty's brother), is a conservative (my label, not his) and starts to relate a different point of view. And in his defense, makes an excellent point that we are attacking her on her personal views and not her political actions.

This was a great mental exercise for me, to remind me why I don't support Palin, that's it's not just because her voice makes me want to stick ice picks in my ears. And since I spent 30 minutes organizing my thoughts, I realized I had better put my mini-article on my blog. It took me 30 minutes instead of 5, because as soon as my kids get a whiff of me actually concentrating on something, they descend from the ceiling to harass me!


I had to bribe them with cookies at 9:30am, so I wouldn't sound like a shrill, pissed off, brainless liberal.I explained why I don't support Palin, but I also put some issues where I agree with her because I try to be fair. I mentioned Harry Belafonte, because he was also a guest speaker at Stanislaus State and that dude is even too liberal for me. Below is what I wrote on my Aunt's profile page:






"I am an idiot, but I don't put it out there and try to run for political office. I try to keep my idiocy to myself, and I don't always suceed at that.

I also do not like Harry Belafonte, America should not be like any country but America, we are the best.

As for political views, I have to say Palin is the most consistent on fiscal responsibility, except charging rape victims for their rape kits is repulsive. How would you like to get that bill in your mail?

Areas I agree on with Palin (and it makes me nauseous to admit this in public): fiscal responsibility, she's tough on crime, and has a mostly open mind on education (except for creationism). She supports automatic death penalty for child murderers, I can't argue with that. And I know everyone thinks I am a crazy liberal but I believe in the right to bear arms and eco-responsible hunting. You kill it you eat it, and you better make a jacket too. Sarah shoots wolves from a helicopter, that's effed up.

On social issues I am the polar opposite of her. I am unapologetically pro-choice,and pro-gay marriage. I dont' even understand how you can argue that evolution and global warming are anything but fact. And for goodness sake if my teenage daughter turned up pregnant, I would take myself out of the public spotlight. Sarah or her husband should have quit their job and reformed their family structure. Not drag their kids and newborn special needs son around the country.

Sorry Aunt Kitty for blowing up your profile."

So what is your family doing this fine Easter morning?

World Autism Awareness Day

In the last year both of my sons have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders. ADHD and PDD are both on the spectrum. Please go to this link because I need to haul my flabby ass onto the treadmill at my gym. Even though I would love to sit here and explain it to you myself, skip the work-out and eat cookies, I just shouldn't.

Anyways, as I was saying. It's been a challenging year, and Hell it's only April 2nd!! My dear boys are receiving the help they need, and my family has access to amazing resources. Not all families are as fortunate.

April 2nd 2010, that is today, is World Autism Awareness Day . Now that you know this all you need to do is wear blue. That's it.

Dig out your favorite blue jeans and remember 1 out of 110 kids have an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

It's also my husband's 40th birthday so buy him a beer next time you see him.

Happy Easter to all that do the bunny/Jesus thing and I hope everyone had a nice Passover.

Bad Genes

I have sat on my ass, wasting time for 2 hours this morning! I kept my sweet 4 year old home from school for one more day to make sure she is 100% healthy, and she is entertaining herself. I could have done a lot of stuff in 2 hours instead of watching Max and Ruby with her, and screwing around on the Internet. But I am really, really anxious.

My dear, sweet, responsible husband, and I, have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician today. We are seeing her to come up with a plan of action in regards to our 5 year old's atrocious school behavior. And I feel like I am in trouble. I feel like I am being called to the Principal's office. And trust me I know exactly what that feels like.

I know because in first grade I got sent to the Principal's office for running away from school (and conning a friend to join me) because the teacher made me write lines. The lines were, "I will be quiet in class". Instead I wrote, "I will not shut-up in class" and then at recess me and Heather snuck off when the yard duty wasn't looking. It was really bad because they thought we had been kidnapped. That is the one and only time I have actually seen a person's face turn purple. The principal was a substitutePrincipal and he was sooo mad. As an adult I realize now what I put everyone through.

In the second grade I got sent to the Principal's office for refusing to pledge allegiance to the flag because of the phrase "under G-d". There is supposed to be a separation of church and state in America. I am still right on that one. I love G-d, and our flag, and I get goosebumps when I hear our anthem sung. I just get a bad feeling when we combine patriotism and religion. My mom was really embarrassed.

In the third grade they started the state testing (here in California) that our kids are tortured with now. And it was a big deal, just as it is now. When it came to gender, mark male or female, I made my own bubble, wrote the word "Other" next to it and filled it in. In my defense that wasn't my idea. Another girl dared me to do it, and I just can't resist a dare. Holy Crap that principal was mad. But he didn't call my mom. I came home and told my mom as a preemptive strike, and she laughed, and said, "I am so glad he didn't' call me and tell me that over the phone because I would have just laughed.". Phew, what a relief.

Remember in grade school when they would make you chew those red tablets that would stain the plaque on your teeth, to show you where you weren't not brushing adequately? I refused to do that. My reasoning being that my parents tax money could be better spent on academics, instead of wasting time picking up other parents slack when it comes to their children's poor dental hygiene. That teacher lasted one year at that school. That was 4th grade.

I could go on and on and on. But I need to shower and find an outfit that makes me look like a concerned parent. The point I am trying to make by sharing these anecdotes is I know exactly where my oldest child's behavior comes from. But if you ask me I just say, "He's exactly like my brother Bill.".

Sorry Mom.

Cruise 2010

I could have easily stayed another week on that cruise. Or just a week in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. For those that haven't read my blog in awhile my husband and I took our 3 monkeys on a 7 day cruise to Mexico. If you are feeling jealous, don't waste your time. We earned this vacation.




2 weeks before we left my kids had colds, and ear infections, my 33 year old brother got a blood clot in each lung, my mom had her appendix removed and 4 days before we were to leave on our cruise all 3 kids started on antibiotics for Scarlet Fever!!!! And then Erik got a sore throat on the cruise but my husband toughed it out.


The next 4 pictures are of me and our monkeys in the dining room. The food is a step above hotel food but that didn't stop me from making a complete pig of myself.

Erik and I were able to steal some time alone due to Camp Carnival. They have a program for 2-5 year olds so my kids were all together. Mike is 5.5 years old so he thought he was way too mature for the babies. We were met with some resistance from him but he got over it after making some new friends. Bekah loved the program and Jake is a mama's boy but he still managed to have fun as well.

One night was "Prince and Princesses" night and involved some face-painting. You gotta love Mike's moustache. I see future employment at Burger King.

Lot's of cute cuddling going on. The reason you don't see Bekah in her cute dress and make-up is because she was busy peeing all over it. Bekah was deathly afraid of the toilets on the cruise and had 4 accidents. We finally had to bribe her with candy to go poo. I was deathly afraid she was going to have a poo accident and you know who would end up cleaning that up.

Miniature golf on the cruise was fun! The kids loved it!

Bekah insisted that Erik hug this parrot good-bye. And our game did end abruptly when Jake decided to steal balls from other families to throw.

I am really glad there was activities like this on the ship because Puerto Vallarta was cold and rainy and even Mazatlan wasn't that nice, weather or scenery. In P.V. Erik and I checked the kids into Camp Carnival and got off the boat only to visit Wal-Mart. We needed a few supplies and it was pretty exciting considering I am way too liberal to shop at Wal-Mart when I am home. Luckily there are shows, a balloon guy, an arcade, trivia games, Scattergories, a library where you can take the kids to go color and do puzzles or play cards on the ship. Then of course the Camp Carnival is great so you can drop off the kids and you and your beloved can have privacy and get your drink and gamble on.

I won $800 on the slot machines!!!!!! I basically paid for half of my personal bar tab.

Here is a picture of our ship The Splendor from the beach in Cabo San Lucas. See how big that ship is? Well the rain was so bad in Mazatlan that visibility was down to zero and our ship hit a pleasure sail boat. Doh!! The Captain didn't even inform us of this collision until 12 hours later and they never did tell us what happened to the other boat. During the collision the water from the pools, hot tubs and the standing rain water sloshed around and flooded the elevators, breaking them for the whole day. The ship listed portside for the whole day. So when you took a shower all the water flooded the bathroom instead of going down the drain. Pretty crazy huh?

Cabo was absolute paradise. The weather was perfect and the ocean water was warm. We took the monkeys to the resort where Erik and I honey-mooned. They let us use their pool, towels and facilites if we bought food and drinks. Which was $20. And for $20 we got 2 Pina Coladas, 2 beers, 3 Sprites, chips and salsa.

After we got sick of saying, "No Gracias", to all of the beach vendors we moved to the resort's beautiful pool. We met some families with kids our age and who had them close together too, so they didn't think we were freaks.

Bekah is 4 years old now and 4 year old girls are so damn bossy and sassy!!! Mike was never this bossy or sassy. See her stance below? You know she is just giving her father some lip. Within 10 minutes of meeting these 2 other girls at the pool she was bossing them around like crazy. And they took it. And one girl was a year older than her.

Look how cute he is!

That pool was soooo warm!

We stopped for a family photo since this was the resort where Mike was most likely conceived. Mike named this statue behind us King Butt.

It's funny how sometimes just the littlest things can make a person so happy. Every night when the staff turned down our beds they made animals out of towels. I loved this towel monkey since I nicknamed my kids monkeys.

My favorite thing on the cruise was gambling and dropping the kids off at Camp Carnival. Mike's favorite thing was the arcade, the desserts and ordering room service. Bekah loved Camp Carnival, the towel animals and going to the library to color. Jake liked the copious amounts of food and the elevators. Erik just liked not being at work.

Coming home from vacation and going back to work is always hard but this week seems even more depressing. I really need another week!

Back In Black

My glorious husband bought me a new laptop!!! Actually I got it last week but then my best friend, and sister-in-law, Auntie M's computer died. So of course I let her borrow my new baby. She is working on her Masters and, well, I am just working on a silly blog and trying to annoy friends and family on Facebook.

Now I can blog and annoy to my heart's content! Especially since I have decided to quarantine my family for the next week! Jake was sent home sick from preschool today and we are leaving for a cruise on Valentine's Day. I need healthy kids and a healthy me. This time of year is just ridiculous, last week we had ear infections and I had some mild virus and now Jake is coughing his brains out. But next week at this time I will be laying out by the pool so I am keeping my eyes on the prize.

2009 Year in Review, for the Not Easily Offended

January 2009

*I hosted a kid-friendly New Year's brunch where we counted down to Noon instead of Midnight.

*My father-in-law turned 60 and a mess of in-laws came to town.

* I hosted over 50 people here for Super Bowl.

*The United States, in a moment of clarity, voted out the worst President we have ever had.

*The United States elected our first black man for President.

*I started this resolution of posting weekly less than 30 minutes Weight Watchers recipes. I lost interest in that though.

*Jake couldn't find his pacifier so he sucked on a dirty sock instead and feel asleep in his car seat.

Febuary 2009

*Jake becomes obsessed with wearing rain boots and biting. At one point he bit me on my ass and bit Erik's nuts. Ouch!!

*A blog post I wrote about Chandra Levy was published in an online newspaper.

*Everyone got the stomach bug and I ended up in the E.R. getting I.V. fluids. Jake also got a double ear infection and croup. Nobody was healthy for about 6 weeks, it sucked!!!!

*Since our Valentine's Day was spent cleaning up barf, Erik and I had a Valentine's Day date on President's Day weekend. Massages and dinner, very nice.

*I wrote a really nice post about my sister-in-law Auntie M. for her birthday. I love her.

*That crazy bitch Nadya Suleman gives birth to octuplets.

Ok these are just the first 2 months because I need to drag my fat butt to the gym. I will finish this up during the course of the next week. Erik is oncall New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, Jan. 2nd and Jan. 3rd, so I will have time to write.

Auntie M.'s Chinese/Aisan Chicken Salad

Chinese (ish) Chicken Salad*

Top Ramen noodles- 1 package crunched up
Spanish Peanuts- approx. 1 cup
green onions chopped
Red Bell Pepper- choppped
Cole Slaw Salad- precut in the package
Italian dressing
Chicken- I buy the chicken that is already grilled and cut. You could grill it yourself and then cut it when cool. Probably tastes better, but sometimes I am not that motivated. Make sure you cut into bite sized pieces.

Add all of the dry ingredients and then mix with Italian dressing. Sounds weird, but is always a hit.

*All of the above has been written by Auntie M. and we are grateful.

**Let's see if Auntie M. notices the tags

Grandma Estelle's Brisket

Grandma Estelle is my husband and Auntie M.'s grandmother. This is the recipe for her rockin' brisket. This is super easy, I promise:

1 packet onion soup mix (Safeway brand uses no MSG)
1 14 oz. can whole berry cranberry sauce
1 cup ketchup
1 can cola (coke or Pepsi and last night I used diet Dr. Pepper because that's all I had)
4-6 lb.beef brisket
A crock-pot with a 4,6,8 or 10 hour setting, the low or high settings just don't cut it.

**The night before cooking, shove brisket into pot, sprinkle onion soup mix all over the top. Open can of cranberry and dump on top. Measure out cup of ketchup and pour on top of brisket. Open can of soda and pour all over everything. Put just the ceramic pot insert into fridge overnight. In the morning pop ceramic pot insert back into crock pot element and set for 10 hours. Walk away. Go to work and flip the brisket when you get home from work. Or flip it every 4 hours or so. Whatever is convenient.

You can serve it right from the pot onto a plate or you can take out the brisket and let the gravy bubble some more in the crockpot and try to slice the brisket. But by this point the brisket is falling apart and doesn't really slice all pretty but still tastes awesome.

Last night I made a 4.5 lb. brisket for 10 adults 15 kids and there were leftovers.

**You can do this right before you cook it. The brisket does not need to marinade. But I am not a morning person and if you want this done by 5:30p it's going to have to start at 7:30a and I have other stuff to do at that hour.

Makes great sandwiches the next day that make you either want to take a big nap or hit the gym.

Yvette's Chicken Pot Pie

As the year ends I will be on a recipe posting frenzy. I want to load all of those fattening, and oh so tasty recipes before I have to get back on the diet wagon. January I will be posting mostly Weight Watchers recipes because in Feburary I am going on a cruise!!. Below is from my friend Yvette G.

Chicken Pot Pie

Chicken Pot Pie Prep: 40 min; Bake: 35 min

Make putting this all-time favorite together a snap by purchasing a ready-to-use pie crust.
1 (10-ounce) package frozen peas and carrots
1/3 cup butter or stick margarine
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup chopped onions
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 3/4 cups chicken broth - I use homemade stock or leftover turkey stock from Thanksgiving.
2/3 cup milk
2 1/2 to 3 cups cut-up cooked chicken or turkey - Rotisserie from Costco or Safeway, or leftover turkey from Thanksgiving
Pastry for 9-inch Two-Crust Pie (see recipe) - Pillsbury Pie Crust from refrigerated aisle

1. Rinse frozen peas and carrots in cold water to separate; drain.
2. Melt butter in 2-quart saucepan over medium heat. Stir in flour, onion, salt and pepper. Cook, stirring constantly, until mixture is bubbly; remove from heat. Stir in broth and milk. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir 1 minute. Stir in chicken and peas and carrots; remove from heat.
3. Heat oven to 425°. 4. Make pastry. Roll two-thirds of the pastry into 13-inch square. Ease into ungreased square pan, 9 ¥ 9 ¥ 2 inches. Pour chicken mixture into pastry-lined pan.
5. Roll remaining pastry into 11-inch square. Cut out designs with 1-inch cookie cutter.Or shape excess dough into a penis like I did recently for some dear friends.
Place square over chicken mixture. Arrange cutouts on pastry. Turn edges of pastry under and flute.
* I use a standard pie plate.
6. Bake about 35 minutes or until golden brown.

NUTRITION FACTS: 1 Serving (about 1 cup):; Calories 685 (Calories from Fat 425); Fat 47g (Saturated 16g); Cholesterol 80mg; Sodium 1,050mg; Carbohydrate 44g (Dietary Fiber 3g); Protein 24g % DAILY VALUE:; Vitamin A 48%; Vitamin C 4%; Calcium 6%; Iron 20% DIET EXCHANGES:; 2 Starch; 2 Medium-Fat Meat; 3 Vegetable; 6 Fat .

The Blessed Holidays

Damn this whole parenting gig is getting in the way of my blogging. Not to mention my quality of sleep, social life and mental health. But they are cute kids, and I have decided to keep them.

I apologize to my handful of readers for falling off the face of the blogosphere but once your youngest child gives up naps your life becomes even busier. Now that my holiday season is over I will try to find some more time for writing.

In my house we celebrate Hanukkah and it's already over. So now I can sit back and watch my friends who celebrate Christmas run around like maniacs, just like I was doing last week. And since my husband will be on-call New Year's Eve, New Year's Day AND January 2nd and 3rd, this is really the end of my holidays. But I am not going to start dieting until January, I have too many leftovers and treats to finish off.

I was going to hit the gym today, especially since my breakfast consisted of a turkey, cranberry and gravy sandwich with a side order of fudge. But after his soccer game my strong-willed 5 year old refused to go to the gym. Now usually I would have forcibly changed him out of his soccer uniform, strapped him into the van and told him that if his behavior gets me called out of my work-out then he will get no t.v. for 24 hours. But we had 32 people here last night and all three of my kids were up until 9:30pm. I know he is legitimately tired and that I shouldn't push my luck. So I sacrificed my work-out to stay home with him, and my husband took the other monkeys to the gym. I have more time during the week to work-out than my husband does so it's only fair.

In the last month since I have last blogged this is what has been going on:

*Auntie M had that jewelry party at her house and it was fun and I bought some pretty jewelry including a custom made necklace for my Mom, which I ordered behind her back as a gift.

*We hosted my mother-in-law's birthday here at my house and a Thanksgiving, and also had Thanksgiving at my Dad's in Sacramento. And Mike stepped in dog poop at my Dad's house. Without fail, when we go to a party, either my sons or my husband will step in dog poop. I just don't get it. I have stepped in dog poop maybe 3 times in my whole life, and so far my daughter has never stepped in dog poop!!

*We celebrated my daughter's birthday, our office manager's birthday, my birthday and my sister-in-law Amanda's birthday. The cutest girl in the world turned 4 years old and partied at Chuck E. Cheese. I got a mani/pedi and went to a Raiders game with my husband.

*My N.E.O. Mom's Club went out for a 1 year anniversary fondue dinner. And we roped a pregnant club member into being our designated driver.

* Went to the hospital Christmas party with my husband. Mostly a snooze fest but not as boring as past parties.

*And last week was totally insane. Hanukkah party, got new blinds installed, carpets cleaned, finished off gift shopping, our business practice's lunch, brought donuts and read a Hanukkah story to my 5 year old and my 3 year old's classroom, got up early Friday morning and made latkes for preschool party, and then Saturday (yesterday) I hosted 32 people at my house for a Hanukkah/Xmas party.

*And today my house is a disaster zone. I got the kitchen put back together and 3 loads of laundry done but the rest of the house is a mess, and we are over capacity for both the recycling and the garbage can. I gotta sneak some trash into our neighbor's cans.


A little gossip about last night. A step-nephew I haven't seen in awhile showed up with tattoos on his face and a pregnant girlfriend. Sigh. I only hope the best for them, of course, and the baby is going to be gorgeous, no doubt about that. It's just hard to wrap my brain around the fact that my step-brother is going to be a grandfather when he also has a 7 year old daughter and he is only a few years older than I am!

My kids actually have school Monday and Tuesday of this week even though the public schools don't. I am totally cool with that! Wednesday I am hosting a small cookie decorating party here at my house. Thursday will probably be movies and Chinese food, a Jewish Christmas tradition but Christmas day we have been invited to hang out with my brother-in-law's giant family.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!!!

"Mommy, What is Rich?" Dr. Karen Monroy

I have been fortunate enough to be allowed to read a yet to be released children's book. "Mommy, What is Rich?" by Dr. Karen Monroy. There are some excerpts and colorful illustrations, from the book on her website. This book ,written for small children, is perfect for my three kids ages 2-5 years old. The simple language conveys a very powerful message about the real value of wealth.

The young boy in, "Mommy, What is Rich?", asks his mother a series of questions about the definition of wealth, and how he can increase his. His mother's answers at first are obvious: family,friends, food, shelter and love, are all the richness you need. But the answers that I really loved, are less obvious. She took the time to point out that he is rich because of traits he already possesses: kindness, thoughtfulness, even his playfulness. What an excellent lesson to teach your child, that their innate positive personality traits are worth more than what is in their wallet.

Through the voice of the boy's mother, the author continues to explore the feeling of desire, as in acquiring more wealth. That the desire to acquire things is not a negative feeling, but it needs to be balanced with your love of life.

I look forward to actually owning this book when it's released. With the holidays approaching and the inevitable over-consumption of food and the gift exchanges, exploring the topic of real wealth, with my children, becomes even more relevant.