Yom Kippur

Today is a day of fasting and the most serious Jewish holiday on the calendar. It is Yom Kippur , until sunset.

But after spending 3 days in the hospital last week my very young kids need to get back to a completely normal, and as uneventful schedule as possible. Meals, school, nap time, quiet time. Services at our beautiful temple just aren't happening this year. I need mellow and peace for my stressed out little monkeys, who clung to me when I dropped them off at school this morning. An outing with just mommy after nap time would be nice, but nothing to0 wild and crazy.

Yom Kippur is all about atonement, and my prayer for today and my atonement for the new year is to take better care of myself. I was eating healthy and exercising but I really need to step it up even more. Just getting put on a simple anti-biotic and ignoring the ravages it did to my stomach, ended up separating me from my kids, my husband and my health and energy. I ain't doing that shit again!!!

I don't mind being separated from my kids if I am in Vegas but in the hospital where I feel like hell and my kids are super worried, is not acceptable.

So I will continue to gradually work up to a diet of low-fat and high-fiber after I get over this no fiber, almost full liquid diet. When my strength is back I will get back exercising and I will take all my meds even if they are poison and I will take lots of vitamins and probiotics to combat the poison meds. And I will ask for help if I need it and not put on a happy face.

And I promise to start being funny and irreverent again because I am starting to bore the shit out of myself. And please accept my apology for any offenses or yawns or tears I caused you in the last year. I would rather make my friends laugh.

I realize most of my readers aren't Jewish but if you want to write any goals, to-do lists, or link ups to your blog from this post feel free. Maybe you have a project to work on too and we can support you.

Bloody Nora, What Have I Let Myself In For?

When asked to guest post on Charlotte's wonderful blog, I was delighted; then she told me that the subject choices were sex, politics or/and religion. Oh dear, I thought, all those taboos our mother told us never to discuss in polite company. Then a smile slowly spread across my wee, rose-cheeked face and I rubbed my hands with glee.....sex, politics and/or religion....?

Excellent. Said in a Dr. No kind of way as opposed to Bill and Ted.

I considered politics; the recent spate of anti-Scottish websites and anti-Scottish feeling; you should see some of my emails that have sprung up because of a decision made by our Justice Minister was an option. People haven't read the actual facts and how Westminster were repeatedly contacted by the Scottish First Minister and the Justice Minister read his speech, it's pretty impressive to exclude the Lockerbie bomber from even being allowed possible consideration for transfer and that, despite reassurances, Westminster signed an agreement with Libya which did not exclude Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi. Scotland was outraged and spoke with Westminster who shrugged their shoulders, leaving Scotland no choice but to deal with this issue within the confines of Scottish law.

But then I decided against that as too emotive, not much chance for humour and religion or sex was much better suited to a guest position.

So talking of positions....apparently, a new Kama Sutra kama, kama, kama kama, kama chameleon, you come and blow, you come and blow oh oh oh has been discovered or a part of the Kama Shastra which contains amongst other works, the Kama Sutra. There are 64 types of sexual acts within 10 chapters but new revelation reveals there to be a further 5. That's right. Five positions you have NEVER even contemplated. Non Possible! I hear you proclaim in French somehow as it sounds better.

I know you're thinking right now what those 5 positions might be. I of course, get dressed in the morning with bluebirds tying my apron strings and mice fixing bows to my hair so I'd never think of such things.

Is it significant that this takes the number to 69? Are those extra 5 positions necessary to all sexual partnerships and have we been doing it wrong all those years? How awful. I was curious and searched the web, after seeing the original article in an obscure copy of a local paper but alas severe disappointment later, I can find no information/pictures or comments.

You'd have thought that at least some people would have gotten their hands on such relevant information and tried it out, simply for our amusement knowledge and potentially increased sexual health benefits. That's what the freaks sexperts are all about after all, isn't it? So keep your eyes peeled and if you hear of anyone extolling the virtues not really a word I should be using here, is it? of the 69, reconsider your opinion on what they may be talking about and ask them immediately to send a message to me, including feedback, pictures and real time footage. For research purposes only.

Ah, religion. I personally subscribe to His Noodleness, the Great Spaghetti Monster and would like him to be recognised as the all knowing, all powerful. But that's just me. I take my religion like I take my life; with a little humour. This doesn't go down well with everyone though; I've known intelligent, good, kind people turn into gnarling, scary beasts at the mention of this subject. "Sooooo, you're a HUMANIST?" a friend somewhat strangely spat at me, with barely disguised disgust at my questioning of certain....beliefs. Beliefs which he monologued. Beliefs which he knew I didn't share but proceeded to shove down my throat. Beliefs which he believes to mean my children and I will burn in hell. It's kinda hard not to retaliate to that.

It's like this; I'm confused when it comes to religion. My husband is a scientist and smiles when he reads Dawkins. My gran was a religious zealot, bordering on insanity. My father joined a strange lodge type religious culture didn't last long, they were against alcohol and my mother sent us to Sunday School. She rolled her eyes when we suggested she come with us. I understand the concept of belief but can't help but guffaw when the children mention Adam and Eve. It's an instinctual response. Lucy believes despite this, Kelly doesn't but then, she is easily influenced and Fraser is on the fence when I say fence, I mean playing the x-box 360, hoping we'll shut up anytime soon.

When it comes down to it, I respect everyones right to have faith, I believe that there may be a God but not in the traditional sense and whereas I like a good discussion, this is definitely one that should be kept behind closed doors, unless you are prepared for the raining of random nutters ready to harass you at a moment's notice.

A doctor friend of ours was harassed by some stranger who had read his views which he'd stupidly voiced a bit like me, eh? I'm Scottish, I can take it, we'll set aboot ye! on a website, sought him out and metaphorically tried to douse him with fire; he called his place of work making false accusations, he sent him hate mail, a thousand spam mail daily and hacked his computer. He got hold of sensitive information, he blackened his name and yet this person considered himself to be a good, religious man. He continues to feel he is doing the work of God. Yeah...ooookay.

I am not anti-faith or anti-belief but I may be anti-religion, if it spawns this type of zealot but of course, every walk of life, every area has it's group of crazies so why would this be any different? Therefore, anti-religious does not cover it either: I am anti-nutter and proud of it.

Helen x

The Genie's Out of the Bottle.....

I've never been asked to "guest-blog" before....... and as usual my feelings of joy and validation quickly evaporated and I'm right back to obsessing about shoes. Surely there's nothing of importance to be said by an unemployed blogger from Alaska on sex, religion or politics. Hey wait - there's that other unemployed blogger from Alaska who came up with that little catch phrase "death panel" - and got a whole lot of mileage out of it. What was her name again? Oh yeah - Sarah, Sarah Palin. The girl who is more at home on the pages of the National Enquirer than Newsweek....smack dab in between ads for psychic hotlines and the 7-page photo spread on celebrity cellulite.

But enough on our Sarah. Although she's one of my favorite right wing nutcases to skewer and roast ever so slowly over extra-hot coals, there's another issue that has popped up in recent days. Apparently a Presidential speech on the importance of education directed to students has been twisted into a dark conservative conspiracy that's adamant that a 15-minute speech will convert our nation's youth to Obama's evil socialist creed. Surely their soft, moldable minds will be forever branded with leftest ideologies that might lead to such subversive activities as examining a multitude of different ideas and using rational thought processes. Next thing you know there'll be armies of children with implanted electronic monitoring devices turning them into mindless, goose-stepping drones of the state. One push of a button from some evil bureaucrat's desk (safely hidden away in an underground bunker in east nowhere Kansas) will cause them to murder their parents in the night. Could the cross-breeding of dogs with cats and Paris Hilton receiving a Nobel prize for physics be far behind?

Are these just the ridiculous rants of an aging tattooed rebel with hair colors not found in nature? Thankfully some people can grasp the concept of parody. But my tirade is no more ridiculous than spewings of "good Americans" over an upcoming Presidential speech to students within publicly-funded (gasp!) schools - which surely are no more than a trip to commie hell in a hand basket. Good white "patriots" wrapping themselves up in the flag and pounding their chests accusing Obama of bringing politics into the classroom, saying it's akin "to the propagandizing of Hitler's Nazi Germany." That last blurb was an actual statement from a "concerned parent" from Anchorage, Alaska. The land of Palin, Uncle Ted and the Murkowski dynasty.....

Silly hysterics of a few whose cheese slid off their crackers, right? Then why are school districts throughout the nation are buckling right and left (no pun intended) to the paranoid rhetoric of racists, birthers, teabaggers, dittoheads, conservatives, FOX News fans, Christians zealots, ad nauseum. What's next? They are infiltrating lawful assemblies using hired gun-toting goons to intimidate those "commies" wanting health care... Hmmmm - where was all this self-righteous furor over George "Wingnut" Bush speaking to school children (speaking of the blind leading the blind) - including on 9/11? Or Carter, Reagan, Clinton, etc.?

Can any of these wingnuts actually define "socialism", "communism", "facism", "Nazi", etc. beyond words they like to sling out for shock value? Similar to a three year old saying "fuckhead" to shock mom and dad and earning street cred with the toddler set....

However, it's not the Dark Side's latest outcries over a Presidential speech that disturbs me the most. What disturbs me is the fact that a group of knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, hypocritical right wing zealots can essentially blackmail schools into throwing out the fundamentals of education, free speech and intelligent discourse out over the least bit of controversy (even when the controversy sprung from the voices in their heads). The genie is out of the bottle - even if it is just a rusty beer can.....

Yes, thanks to the right wingnuts, the genie is out of the bottle and poised for all sorts of mischief. Those suburban BBQ's will soon be fueled by burning books instead of briquettes. Soon entire curriculums will be changed to satisfy the politics of denial and bigotry. It'll be so much easier to raise a generation molded by fear and propaganda if we didn't have all this silly academic bullshit! Let 'em learn wood shop and the bible - it was good enough for our forefathers and it's good enough for us!

Yes, the old "dynamite the fish pond" approach. Start spouting bible verses, excerpts from the constitution and whatever Glenn Beck/Rush Limbaugh said that day. Kill enough fish and the smell will overcome the strongest nose (or intellect). Hey, if Sarah Palin can use fish analogies, so can I. We're the culture of celebrity and 30 second sound bites. I especially like the bible thumpers that mix government w/religion. They forget about separation of state FROM church in addition to their own holy scriptures advocating genocide, slavery, human sacrifice, rape, etc. I especially like Timothy ii, 12, St Paul is quoted thus: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” Guess someone better muzzle Sarah......and Michelle Bachman too.

I think I just stumbled across the Conservanuts' reasons for their outcry over a simple Presidential speech - if you control education, no one will question your version of the "truth." Not the first time that circus came through town though......but they are betting that suppression of an educational system - or a country - that is free to examine any and all ideas will at least keep their freakish side show going on a little longer......

While The Cat's Away The Mice Will Play

I am going on vacation starting Monday and I have the most amazing line-up of guest bloggers for all of you! Seriously, this is going to be good! I chose the topics of Politics, Religion, and Sex. The 3 topics you are not supposed to bring up in mixed company should make for an interesting read.

Monday will start off with a bang with a post written by a cool chick I met on twitter. Hell Is on Heels.

On Tuesday, September 8th, the author of The Lilac Grove will be here. I know that sounds like she is all fluffy and sweet and possibly boring. No, no, no this girl drinks whiskey and is not afraid to lay it on the line.

Wednesday we are going international. I am dying to know what a Scottish mother of 3, who authors a cooking blog has to say about religion, politics and/or sex.

Thursday the 10th of September I will be boarding a plane with my husband, mom and all 3 of my offspring. This is also the day that a dear friend Julie will tackle these heavy duty subjects. She does not have a blog, but she is a small business owner, has 2 wonderful teenagers, and a mini farm, with goats, dogs, cats and chickens. I can't believe she can find the time to write something on my blog so I am also eager to read what she has to say.

Friday 9/11, an unlucky day if you are superstitious, so I decided to hand my blog over to a controversial figure. Billy Bob Neck will give us a redneck's view of life. I want to test my readers and see if they are really Not Easily Offended.

Saturday I will be attending my brother's rehearsal dinner and visiting with family in beautiful San Diego. This is also the day that The Claw will rend my blog with her wit. If you like me you will like her. She is a smartass, has 2 boys, husband is a physician and she is also a Saggitarius. What's not to like?

Sunday September 13th is my brother's wedding. My boys will be the ring bearers and Bekah will be one of the 3 flower girls. I will show you so many damn pictures when I get home you will run when you see me coming! How's this for a blog title, "Official Buttwiper"? Aren't you just kicking yourself for not thinking of that title first? I do everytime I read it. She is an asshole Republican and I am dirty hippie but we manage to get along great. (Mickie you called yourself an asshole Republican first :) )

The 14th and the 15th are wide open right now but I am working on it. I will not let you down.

And back by popular demand is The Unknown Mami. She was a guest earlier this year and everybody loved her writing. An Hispanic mommy, aspiring actor and cool chick.

Enjoy yourself!!