Former Party Girls turned Moms are the only ones allowed to read this.

When I first had kids I joined a mom's club. The next best thing after playgroup was MNO (Mom's Night Out). But some of us interpret that differently. I would leave, "Goodnight ladies", and then I would get a six-pack and drive to Las Trampas.  I would put my feet up, sip some brew and watch the owls hunt. Then I would go home, pump and dump, and pass out. If I didn't do that, then I would take my husband's Mercedes and drive 130 mph from San Ramon to Fremont and back again, with the sun-roof open and blasting The Stones.

We traded the Mercedes in for a Honda and we both turned 40. Yuck. I had a MNO this evening and the most rebellion I could scrounge up was a trip to the local watering hole (after the mom's visit was over). The scene was ridiculous, I drank half a beer and bailed.

Is this it? 

Summer is for Re-runs

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I finally made it back to my blog only to release a re-run.  In my defense I gotta go bake a cake for a bbq and this particular entry makes me laugh.


My brother Bill, pictured above, found a list of, "...things women wish men knew." and he decided to add his own commentary. It's hilarious but I still had to edit some of it because it did get pretty nasty. My brother's comments are the one's labeled "dude".

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

Dude; Take what you can fucking get, if I'm saying it, it counts, unless I'm lying to you, which is gonna be a lot if you keep saying stupid shit like that.

2. Real men drive stick shift.

Dude: Just when the fuck did you become an expert on real men? You cry

during Grey's anatomy and sit when peeing, I don't give a fuck if Idrive a dumptruck and park it on your lawn or a vespa and do race tracks in your driveway, I am the judge of what a real man is, and while were on that subject your brother is a putz.

3. I will leave if you lie.

Dude. Pack your shit.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

Dude. I am never cute and never describe me as such. And what the fuck,….make up your mind do you want to date a real man or a twelve year old from some perverse little league.

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

Dude. I mean honestly, what the fuck do I even say to that, keep that shit to yourself.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

Dude. I love it when you blow me after the Chargers lose.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

Dude. Remember after we spent the holidays at your mom's house and you asked me that question and I said you looked plump? Cuz I remember,the neighbors remember, I think the goddamn dog remembers. You are wrong, Fine is a wholly appropriate response.

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

Dude ummmm……. Yup ditto here.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

Dude see answer to question # 3

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

Dude. When did I email you?

11. I expect you to call me.

D. You also expect me to be nice to your alcoholic father and your enabling neurotic mother, I won't even go into your dipshit borrowing money putz brother, so calling you is the least of my worries but thanks for bringing it up.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

Dude. You can tell me what to wear at our wedding and any funerals I attend. Short of that just compliment me on my daring sense of style and be happy I deal with your shit.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.

Dude. You go to the pisser in pre-planned groups, and the only independent chick in history I can think of was Amelia Aerhart and you see where that got her.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

Dude. You're not Katie Holmes and I'm not a Scientoligist so let's pull the reality train over and get you a ticket.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

Dude. I aint got no problem tongue whipping the Ham wallet but I would rather whack off with a hand full of broken glass then ever go shoe shopping with you again.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

Dude. Check, I will ignore you by going to Déjà vu (strip club in San Diego) until you are feeling more into it.

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm . . . a.) . . . having a fat day. b.) . . . not feeling "connected" to you. c.) . . . blackmailing you to get something I want.

Dude. You are using sex to get something you want they have a name for that and that name is whore.

19. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

Dude. Unless by nothing you mean G'day Mate.

20. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

Dude So you have a secret sexual fantasy about the Unabomber, JesusChrist what else.

21. You should never tell me what to do.

Dude. If I didn't tell you what to do you would be sitting in your room late for work in your underwear trying to figure out how to use the goddamn alarm clock.

22. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

Dude This is the least crazy thing you have said all day.

23. . I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

Dude. I hold your hand because if I didn't you would walk straight into oncoming traffic and fucking die, that is a semi truck, the guy driving it is on crack, he will kill you, wake up.

24. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

Dude. Sssshhh be quiet there about to say the score on the Chargers game.

25. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

Dude. If I truly fuck up I will get you flowers, if the surf was really good though I will probably just get them from the grocery store.

26. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you—and for you

to recognize this.

Dude. When I first moved to Hawaii I bought a 69 ford econoline van for 300 hundred dollars, it was awesome it could fit ten surfboards, had three on the tree and a max speed of 60 mph downhill in neutral, I can honestly say it was the greatest vehicle purchase of my life. Wait what was the question again.

27. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking.

Dude. you get like this for four days every month call me I'll be atDéjà vu again.

28. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

Dude. O fucking kay this is what I want you to do, write down exactly what you just said and then read it out loud to yourself. If that does not sound like absolute gibberish I will let you buy me one complete getup from urban outfitters.

29. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months,earns major bonus points.

Dude. Not going to Thailand on a cocaine fueled hooker binge should earn me major bonus points, and by the way I have no idea when my own birthday is let alone anniversaries you should probably get me a calendar.

30. I love it when you're sweaty.

Dude. But you don't like it when I have body odor, you are a fucking walking contradiction.

31. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

Dude. Fair enough.

32. I like porn.

D. You like passionate late night cinemax porn. I like Max Hardcore porn, there is a colossal difference.

33. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

Dude. Strange enough that is where I keep my wallet.

34. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

Dude. I talked dirty to you and I thought you were gonna call the cops,you talked dirty to me and I couldn't stop laughing, how about we just watch that Max Hardcore I was talking about earlier.

35. I remember everything about our relationship.

Dude. All in all I'll give you that one.

36.You should know all this and more without my telling you.

Dude. You just had to end on a crazy note.

Stupak Amendment to Health Care Reform Bill

I am going to make this explanation, of the Stupak Amendment, as simple as possible. Not because I think my readers are simple, but because I know that most of my readers are parents. And if parents concentrate too intently on something while their children are awake..........well see the picture below for what can occur.


I started to write this informative post roughly 2 hours ago. In the meantime my 2 year old hand painted the bathroom mirror with soap, I had to mediate fights between my 3 and 5 year old, my 3 year old wanted an egg salad sandwich and then my 2 year old needed a diaper change. Now my bathroom smells fresh and fruity like our hand soap, but my house smells like poop and egg salad. I finally gave up and planted all three kids in front of the t.v. with some Halloween candy.

You are probably disgusted and thinking, "Why bother?". I bother because I have 3 kids, and I want my children to grow to adulthood in a country where abortions are safe and legal.

So here goes, I am going to try to explain the Stupak Amendment which was added to the Health Care Reform Bill which was passed last Saturday night (Nov. 7th 2009).

1) If Stupak goes through in the final health care bill abortions will not be covered by private or public insurance. You will have to pay for an abortion out of your own pocket. Average price is anywhere from $500.-$1,000. You can purchase a rider for your insurance to cover abortion in case of an accidental pregnancy. Kind of like earthquake or flood insurance that you add to your home owner's insurance. Nice huh?

2)The only abortions to be covered are pregnancies that occur from rape or incest, or “where a woman suffers from a physical disorder, physical injury, or physical illness that would, as certified by a physician, place the woman in danger of death.” . But you must keep a baby with severe abnormalities.

3) Allows discrimination against abortion providers.

Sound too simple? Read here for more information, and if you want a cure for insomnia, then read here for even more information.

If you agree with me and want your children to grow up in a country where a woman has the right to choose what to do with her body, and where physicians are not punished, and penalized, for offering controversial but legal services. Then go here to enter your zip code and find out who you need to call and give an ass-chewing.

If you don't I will send this guy to wreck your house.

dirty deeds

Um, hello there. My name is Sherri, a.k.a. the claw. My blog, covers a variety of topics including but not limited to: the rock and the roll, film, angst, preschoolers and preschooler angst, talking about redoing rooms in my house, Bravo and Lifetime reality shows, starting various projects I don't finish and my love of Prozac and wine. Well, that last part isn't really "discussed" per se, but if you've ever read a comment I've left on your blog after 11:15 or so at night and there is quite a bit of rambling and non sequiturs and typos involved, I'm just saying. Which is worse? Drunk dialing in college or drunk commenting if you are forty? I suppose there is no record of drunk dialing on the world wide web...but I digress.


Charlotte was been kind enough to guest blog over at my place (here and here) and I was only too happy to return the favor. I say was. Until I learned of the topics we were to choose from as guest bloggers. I thought and thought and felt that politics and religion, even though they are a laugh a minute don't really provide that little something something that the topic of sex does.


So here we go.



My oldest son turned four years-old yesterday. So I've had sex once or twice.

I was thinking about how different he and his younger brother are. They couldn't be more different really. Nor could the way they were conceived be more opposite. If you are a parent - do you know which "time" your child or children were, uh, made? Where you were, under what circumstances?

I do. And I started thinking about whether or not this in some way colors a child's personality. Not seriously, really, but it is very interesting to me the correlation between the deed and the dude. At least my dudes and their respective deeds. Speaking of deeds, allow me to digress for a moment.


O.k., sorry bout that, Angus Young, I lurve you. Back on track.


Take my oldest son, for instance. We had been trying for over a year after two miscarriages in a row to have a child. I had become a bit, um, mildly obsessive about it. I would read books all the time about ovulation and things on the web about possible causes of miscarriages (waste of time - no one can tell you shit usually about why women miscarry - if you ever need to talk about this topic w/someone who's gone through it though, please feel free to e-mail me at my place). I could hardly think of anything else at this time but how to solve this situation.

The day M. was conceived, I woke up and did my pee on a stick test and yes I was ovulating, no time to waste. We happened to be at our friends' house in Raleigh, where we had spent the night and were in a guest room. I ran back in to tell my husband we needed to get busy on the air mattress and so we did. I won't go into the details obviously, but let's just say it wasn't very romantic, sex for us had become a single-minded duty at this point. It was a bit mechanical and filled with trepidation of the outcome.

But the outcome this time, would be a wonderful, amazing son. Who can be a bit serious for a four year-old. And can be very methodical, a tad OCD at times. Who is data-oriented. Who has a serious attention to detail and focus, who loves a challenge. Who is sensitive and emotional. Who is a lot like the way he was created. Here is working on a Transformer.


And then, a year-and-a-half later we had our other son, W., who wasn't unplanned but rather a big, awesome surprise. And who is reckless, silly, unafraid, highly affectionate, optimistic, unpredictable and basically always in search of a good time. His conception was - a little different than his brother's was, and his personality shall we say is a bit reflective of that as well.


So this theory of mine is total B.S. but I'm curious - do you remember when your kiddo was conceived and does anything about the circumstances remind you of that child's personality?





Thanks to Charlotte, for letting me grace her sphere of the blogosphere that is N.E.O. Moms and please know that you are welcome over at my place anytime. Hope to see ya there.

And here's another one of my dudes. Why? Cause I can.