Nigger

I can't even remember what made me think of this tonight. My history of this word. But once I started thinking about it, I couldn't shake it.  Now I have to confess my relationship.

I grew up in California, Northern California, in the burbs. This word was not OK.  But I still heard it.  Unfortunately from family members. I had drilled into those certain family members for years that that language was unacceptable. Deaf ears.

Then I moved to Houston, Tx.  I heard the word Nigger at least once a week.  And I would go nuts everytime. And the Texan would laugh at me and say, "Oh, I am not racist, when I use the word Nigger, I am talking about white Niggers and brown Niggers and yellow Niggers. The word Nigger just means you are scum, it has nothing to do with the color of your skin.". It's just a word. 

 Really so if I called your mom a cunt it would be OK because that's just a word?  That question was not well received, especially amongst Texas men.  And the whole 18 months that I lived in that shithole nobody ever used the word Nigger unless they were talking about a very, very, dark-skinned person. And the discrepancy in "class" in Texas was as obvious as the discrepancy in "class" as we try to avoid watching the royal wedding this week.

I escaped Texas more determined than ever to never hear that word again from any family or friend.  I met my husband and except for a few times when I had to explain what a porch monkey was and a non-aquatic, for the most part I got my family to clean up their act. They knew that I was converting to Judaism and marrying a Jewish man and into a very liberal Jewish family. 

My Dad, I love him, and I am proud of him but he used to watch basketball and yell, "Run, Nigger, Run!." But when it came time for me to marry a Jewish man my Dad was my biggest fan.  He wrote me a beautiful letter about who a man prays to means nothing if he doesn't take care of his family, friends and responsibilites. And that my husband was a "peach", just that kind of man who knew his priorities.  My wedding was perfect, my pregnancies were without strife and my Dad was present at each birth.

It was a couple of years later that the damn N word showed up again.  I was hosting roughly 30 people at my house, and happily, this is the shit I live for. I am standing in front of my sink chopping up a veggie, or turkey gizzard who knows.  It's pouring rain outside and my Dad comes out of nowhere with, "It's raining pitchforks and nigger babies outside.".  I slammed my knife down and a couple of people looked and asked what, my answer of , "Nevermind!!", made them scatter and then it was just me and my Dad. My Dad knew he had blown it.  He grabbed a soda can and chugged it as I stared him down still fisting that knife, my eyeballs left their sockets and just slapped him up one side of his head and down the other leaving trails of slime and shame.  He looked at me and said, "I think I just swallowed the tab from that soda can.".  And I said, "Good, I hope it comes out of your ass sideways.  Because I am telling you right now that you will never use that word again in my presence.  My kids are to be informed that only the uneducated, ignorant and hateful talk like that.  So if you want that love and respect from your grandkids, I would clean up your language. ". 

I haven't heard the N word in 2 years.